Al Murray

And what is your mojo exactly?

I'm glad you asked.

My particular mojo is a bristly semi-aquatic creature with a retractable proboscis that I would describe as halfway between an aardvark and a vole.

I keep it in a hammock I've made out of fruit, but that's not the point.

Now that I'm newly energised as a weirdo with a mojo...

It is I who am making the political weather.

And your point here is that you want everyone to be treated equally?

No, I want everyone to be treated differently.

And how would that work?

What I am calling for is for every single person in this country to be treated by the state in a way that is entirely bespoke.

So Linda from Coventry, say, will have her council tax bill delivered in song by a medieval troubadour...

Kareem from Swansea will be sent 200 metric tons of custard every single day without explanation.

And so on and so forth.

What could be fairer or weirder than that?

Isn't the truth that all this culture war stuff is just a desperate attempt to win back voters who've defected to reform?

Right, you've just asked me a serious political question there, which suggests you're now treating me as a serious politician, which has thrown me a bit, to be honest.

LAUGHTER

But I suppose it proves I really have got my mojo working.

And what's it working at?

It's eating the hammock.