Alain De Botton

The number one way to unwind a particularly tense standoff is always to give your partner or friend, colleague, whatever, a sense that you are listening to what it is that they're saying.

You don't have to agree, but you have to listen.

And

a very simple way is to go, I hear you.

But an even better way, this is what they teach you in class 101 when you could try and train in psychotherapy, is you reflect back to them what they're saying.

So they're saying, it's all terrible because of this, that, and the other.

And rather than going, okay, yes, I hear you.

You say,

okay, so I'm hearing that when you went to work, your boss did this, and then they did that, and you felt this, and that way it's left you feeling, and they go, yes, yes, you understand me because you've paraphrased their feeling.

And I can't tell you how satisfying that is.

So paraphrasing what someone has just said to you, asking them what it is, and then, you know,

massively lowers the temperature, because immediately someone feels hurt.

And the moment they feel hurt, they're then ready to hear you.

So if you do this for somebody, they will then do it back to you, and then you're in a virtuous circle, and off you go.

Alain de Botton.

Okay.

Alain de Botton.

If you please.

Alain de Botton.

Who's Alain de Botton?