Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa

Because I also don't like this idea of thinking that you need closure from someone else, you need closure, you need closure.

But closure is what is going to help you start to process it in a healthier way and begin to heal and then move forward.

You've got to decide, is closure something that I can give myself in this and stop hoping and think, will this change?

Because everything was so perfect and will that, you know, because you're saying you've come to terms with the shock.

Now you're in the processing, right?

Or is closure something that like, can I have a conversation with him where I feel like I could get some understanding as to maybe like really the reason that it's ending is because he actually doesn't want to be in this relationship.

And while it's painful to hear, then that is a form of closure.

Ideally, you want to be able to provide the closure for yourself, ideally.

You want to be able to say, you know what, I can look through these things, I can look at that and ultimately no matter how shocking and horrible it is, I don't see this ever getting back together.

I don't see it ever healing and I don't see him ever wanting to return.

And if I can get to that point of like real, I'm closing the chapter as painful as it is and as sad as it is and as much as you're going to miss him and as difficult as the next chapter is going to be, at least you can start on the next chapter because while you're in this headspace of can't believe this has fucking happened,

does this mean that he could actually turn around and do the healing work and then come back to me then you're not going to be healing okay so i don't know if that's exactly what your question was but that is kind of my advice to it ask yourself what does closure look like and is it possible that i can give this closure to myself and closure is you saying this chapter is closed closure isn't oh well i think they actually want to be back with me but it'll be in a year's time no no it's closing

The chapter, hence the word closure.

Can I close that chapter or do I need someone else to close it for me?

The moment you can do it for yourself or the more you can do it for yourself, the more in control, the more autonomy, the more control over your circumstances you're going to feel, even in a really hard time, even in heartbreak.

If you can provide that closing of the door, you start to, maybe not instantly, but you slowly start to gain a little bit more control over your life.

right and then a bit more the next day and a bit more the next day and then that's how you start to steer it so yeah I really hope that that helped and I hate that you're going through that and this is just one of those situations in life where it's you can just say it's fucked unfair and it's fucked and it sucks and that's unfortunately what builds resilience and it's no one wants it but it's what

makes you grow it's what steers you in a direction that maybe you never even thought of in your life and maybe it steers you in a better direction later down the line okay um well likely in a better direction because because you grow so much from it anyway thanks so much for sending in your questions guys that was awesome and i look forward to the head noise next week

and we're doing the email head noise.

Anyway, that is all for today's episode.