Alfie
👤 SpeakerAppearances Over Time
Podcast Appearances
Oh, g'day, Kyle and Jackie.
I just want a big thank you for coming down to Frankston.
An absolutely fantastic promotion.
I had the best time today.
And Alfie, you are so brave for being so high off the ground.
I really appreciate it, bro.
Especially being this small, that high.
How small are you?
Five foot three, cuz.
Hello, my name is Alfie and I'm not quite dead. No. I'm Alfie and if you're listening to this tape, I'm probably dead or not quite dead, but in a different kind of way and... Jesus, this all sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Did I think it would be easy to write my own obituary? Is that what this even is?
Hello, my name is Alfie and I'm not quite dead. No. I'm Alfie and if you're listening to this tape, I'm probably dead or not quite dead, but in a different kind of way and... Jesus, this all sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Did I think it would be easy to write my own obituary? Is that what this even is?
Honestly, I didn't give it much thought before I sat down. I just knew I had to say something. Leave a little piece of me behind, you know? So, the basics. I'm Alfie. I used to be an A&E nurse, but now I'm just me. I haven't left my flat in days. I think I'm dying. I know I'm dying. I should be dead already. But I'm not. There's been a lot going on, honestly.
Honestly, I didn't give it much thought before I sat down. I just knew I had to say something. Leave a little piece of me behind, you know? So, the basics. I'm Alfie. I used to be an A&E nurse, but now I'm just me. I haven't left my flat in days. I think I'm dying. I know I'm dying. I should be dead already. But I'm not. There's been a lot going on, honestly.
And I just need to say all this now before I make any decisions. Because whatever I choose, I'm dead or undead. And either way, I'm pretty sure none of this is going to matter to me so much after that. Whatever it is that's happening to me now, it's important that people know. Not because I'm important. I am really, really not. But this is. So yeah.
And I just need to say all this now before I make any decisions. Because whatever I choose, I'm dead or undead. And either way, I'm pretty sure none of this is going to matter to me so much after that. Whatever it is that's happening to me now, it's important that people know. Not because I'm important. I am really, really not. But this is. So yeah.
If you could just make sure my mum and my sisters don't hear this tape, that'd be great. Anonymise me or whatever. Call me, I don't know, Ben or something. And Casper can be Bill. Wait, no. There's already a vampire called Bill, isn't there? Wasn't he a confederate or something? Oh, I'm really waffling, aren't I? Mum always says I worry too much about whether people like me.
If you could just make sure my mum and my sisters don't hear this tape, that'd be great. Anonymise me or whatever. Call me, I don't know, Ben or something. And Casper can be Bill. Wait, no. There's already a vampire called Bill, isn't there? Wasn't he a confederate or something? Oh, I'm really waffling, aren't I? Mum always says I worry too much about whether people like me.
She'd say, like, Christ, Alfie, you're picking up your antidepressants, not doing an improv bit, and I'd be like, why not both? Ah. Well, poor Darla the pharmacist won't have to deal with my terrible customer service stand-up routines anymore, so there is good to come out of this situation after all. I think I got this dictaphone to do poetry.