Ali Shahalom

I look around desperately and spot a brother who has a wheelchair but isn't using it.

He was literally stood up.

I don't know if Hodge healed his limbs or he's taking a break from benefit fraud.

Either way, I shout, brother, is it okay if I use your wheelchair?

My wife just fainted.

Yeah, bro, take it.

I just wanted good parking, innit?

My unconscious wife is now in this wheelchair and all four of us slowly get to the front of the queue just as a bus pulls up.

Now, in true Bollywood style, I have to carry my wife up these mahoosive bus steps.

My wife is skinny, but for some reason, that day she weighed heavy.

As I'm climbing these steps, my knees are popping like bubble wrap left, right and centre.

I'm there praying and hoping that my haram doesn't come off.

I don't want to traumatise two million Muslims.

And I definitely don't want them to think they've sighted the moon for Eid.

Finally, I lay my wife down on the bus and hear the doors slam shut behind me.

And that's when I realise my parents are not on the bus.

Panicked, I start banging on the window.

But it's useless.

I'm shouting at the driver, where are my parents?

But the guy doesn't understand.