Alison Cheperdak
Appearances
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
She's so beautiful. It's a pleasure looking at her. Thank you. So happy to be here.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
So it actually started when my husband and I were engaged to be married. We were 22 and I had all these wedding etiquette questions like, do all my cousins get a plus one or how do I invite a same sex couple on an invitation? And so I got myself my first etiquette book, which was the Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And I thought I would just turn to the pages that I needed to figure out the questions that I had. And I ended up reading it cover to cover. And at the time I was working as a television news reporter and an anchor, and then I went on to law school and I just kept reading about soft skills and emotional intelligence. And eventually I got a certification and got into it even more.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Exactly, because then it's not like it's my opinion that it should be done this way. This is the way things are done, so it can be less offensive or controversial.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
you found that out i mean for me but i don't i don't know my like people it's hard sometimes but allison what do you what do you say i agree with grandma i think it's a rude question because implicit in it is like what's wrong with you please explain to me why this hasn't worked out yet right so that's not a great setup and then if you ask them something like are you seeing anyone i think that's appropriate if you're close with them i wouldn't necessarily ask someone in a work setting i think that could be awkward but
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
You want to be sensitive when you're asking these things, even though I think you're right that a lot of people do ask it and they think that they're being complimentary. It's not usually received that way.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
exit a date politely so i would say it starts with also setting up the date well so if you're doing something that doesn't have like a fixed end time to it that's when it can become more awkward i think if you agree to a coffee or if you agree to a dinner there's more of a traditional cadence to the meal where it's like the dinner will be over and then you go along your way but if you're like
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
having drinks or you're hanging out on the couch then it becomes a little more awkward so I think in the beginning say that you have something or say that you can stay for a certain amount of time and just commit in your mind to I'm gonna stick it out until that time and then you leave regardless of how it goes that's a good tip in other words on a first or second or even a third date say you know I really I'm working the next day I'd love to have dinner with you but I really have to make it an early night well I don't know do you have to preface it before you even get there or I don't think you have to say I want to have an early
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
So I agree, whoever does the inviting or the initiating or coming up with the idea, they should be prepared to pay because they're setting the budget for whatever the activity is going to be. But then once you have that first date, if things are more serious and you're going to start seeing them, then have an open conversation about what works the best for you.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Because what works the best for one couple isn't going to work the best for another. So that's how I would approach it.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Yeah, I think so, too. And I think it comes back to communication.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
I agree. And I think it depends on the size of the party. And you want to, let's say it's a really large party, connect with the host at some point during the party. And if you know that you need to leave a little bit early, you could let them know. You also want to be careful about when you leave. So you don't want to leave and create this domino effect. That everybody leaves. Exactly.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
So you want to be really discreet. Maybe make eye contact. Maybe you say, thank you so much. We're going to slip out now. So just be sensitive. And if you ever in a situation where it's a small party where people would be concerned or worried about you, then that's definitely the moment where you do say goodbye.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Spend the evening and enjoy it. And on the other side of things, you don't want to be the people that are always the last to leave. Right.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Okay, in a perfect world, every adult gets a plus one. Financially, I think that can be difficult for people, so you have to make some decisions. Also, if you know someone is single, but you also know that they know a lot of other people, like maybe it's a cousin and all their family is going to be there, they're not going to be lonely if they don't have...
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
someone with them and they're not seeing anyone so it's like they have to go through this effort to find someone right so that kind of thing could be worse yeah so i think there's a lot of factors to consider also is this a destination wedding and you're expecting them to travel all by themselves without a date so that's a factor too but it's a tricky one.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Right. Like if you're, let's say you're inviting like two tables of college friends and they all know each other. Then they don't need a plus one. They don't need a plus one. But if you're inviting like a mentor who doesn't know anybody and they're maybe not in a relationship, give them a plus one. Right. If they want. Yeah. And then it's up to them. Give them the option.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
But very, very traditionally, if your budget allowed, everyone who's 18 and older would be accepted. That's interesting.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Because people look back at their wedding albums and they want to be able to recognize everyone. They don't even know the people. Exactly. And they want to feel like these people are still in our lives years and years later. And it's like, oh, this was this person that my girlfriend was dating for a hot second. For five seconds.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
So it depends on the event. In general, flowers are a lovely gift. But if it's something that, let's say the decor is already really dialed in and they already have flowers arranged for the event, then it's probably not the moment to bring flowers that day.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Even if it is an event where it would be appropriate to give flowers, like it's a small dinner party, they'll have a centerpiece, but they can put something on an end table or a counter or something like that. Bring flowers, but make sure that they're already in water because if you don't do that, then they're looking for a boss.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
You can just tell them that. And also with flowers, you could say, like, let's say you get an invitation to a party and it's a little ways out. You could say, I'd love to contribute flowers and let me know your preferences or something like that. Or you could send them flowers the next day. So there's nothing wrong with that. It's just a matter of your personal preference.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And if you're ever the one who's having the birthday and some people give gifts and some people don't, I wouldn't open them in person because then you're getting attention. Well, that's an actual no-no.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
um taboo to open even if it's in your home or something i feel like with bridal showers and things they do this but like open up the presents everyone got you as long as everybody did it yes that's what you can't do it if some of the people didn't it's also a very cultural thing so in america we have this custom of opening gifts in front of people and like being so effusive with our praise and saying how much we love it whereas like in many asian cultures that would be so embarrassing and it would come across as like you can't control yourself and you need to open something immediately
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
yeah so you want to read the room but if it's a baby shower if it's a bridal shower where it's an expected thing do it and be aware like move things along like not everybody wants to hear every single detail every single uh item of uh of clothing lingerie that you've got for your bridal shower who cares exactly and the other thing i was thinking for a hostess gift
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
I think what's key if you give wine or drink or something like that is that it's a gift for the host and they can choose to serve it then or at another time, because otherwise it can come across as like you don't trust them to pick out good wine. And so you're bringing it for yourself.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
I'd be really direct about it. And I would start with like, I love spending time with you. I'm really happy that we have this time set aside and I've been really looking forward to this date. Let's try to be present with each other and just leave it at that or create some parameters and whether you're on a date or you're with a friend or whatever.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
if you need to keep an eye on your phone, I recommend letting the person know in the beginning. So I have this important call that I'm expecting, or I need to keep an eye on this specific thing. So then you're not, it doesn't come across like you're looking at every single notification that comes in. It's one specific thing. Yeah. I agree with that.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
eating once everyone's served everyone unless someone says go ahead and begin like especially if you're at a wedding if you're at a big thing and it's like four people have been served or six people have been served and they're waiting for some others then the people who haven't been served should say like go on and get started okay so you always should say get started i think so and then also if you're ever at someone's home and the host says go right ahead and get started they really mean it right because the food gets cold exactly that's the issue yeah it used to be the rules if two people get served two
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
I think what happens often with dinner parties, especially buffet ones, is the host is doing all this work to get everything served at the right temperature at the right time. And then she says, dinner served, help yourselves. No one wants to be the first one to get into the buffet. Everyone keeps talking. Then the food gets cold. And then people finally get their food. They sit down.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And even though the host says, go on and get started, no one wants to. And then the host is like, we're doing all this work. Exactly. That is true.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Yes, not take it personally, and then also recognize that tone can be different. I remember once my sister sent a picture, and it was her in a beautiful gown with her boyfriend, and my mom said something like, you look beautiful, hope you had a nice time. And I sent a ton of fire emojis, and it's just the generational difference.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And my mom was probably just as excited, but just communicates it really differently.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Her basic one. So by looking at your table setting, you can see how many courses that you'll have. So here we have an appetizer course or salad course, and then we have a dinner course.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
and we have our napkin on the left it could also be on the center if you're ever tight for space you can do that so if you are at a restaurant you want to put your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down okay if you're at a private home you want to wait until the host does so first and the reason for that is because you don't want to come across like you're rushing the host along and like they're serving you so you want to act like you don't have a care in the world with your utensils you want to work from the outside in so that means we have our salad
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
fork and knife here, and then we have our dinner fork and knife here. The way that you hold them is you want to make sure that your pointer finger is always straight. That's very important.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And then when you're cutting things, you want to cut just a piece or two at a time. Unless we're cutting for a child, you don't cut an entire steak and then eat it one piece at a time.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
You'll also notice that the blades of the knife are always facing in, and that comes from a time when we were showing that we came in peace because knives are like a weapon, so to point them towards people that were beside you.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
No matter what. So when the table is set, you always have the knives facing in, and then also whether you... So this is your resting position, so let's say you're enjoying a meal and you're just taking a break. This is what you do, so for those who are listening, it's your fork is...
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
placed with the tines down so like the pointy part of the fork is the tines and it's crossed over the knife just like that in the center of the plate in the center of the plate and then when you're finished you would go like this and this is what we call the silent service code so the server doesn't need to come over to everybody and ask like are you still enjoying are you finished they just see that you're
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
if you had a sauce or anything like that you would want to put it towards the bottom of your plate and it's practical because then you're less likely to spill because it's closer to you and any discards you have so that could be like a lemon rind or like an edible flower that you're actually not going to eat bones anything like that you would put them like on the side on the side to the top left corner
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And so we see here we have our appetizer plate and then we also have our dinner plate. In a more formal meal, we might have a charger. We don't eat off of chargers. They're just beautiful things that look like dinner plates, but they're the first thing that you see when you sit down for a table. And we have our wine glass here and our water glass.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
When you're holding anything with a stem, you want to hold it by the stem like this. And there's a couple of reasons here. First is that it preserves the temperature of whatever you're drinking. So wine in particular is served at a very specific temperature and the oil and the temperature of your hands can impact that.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
It also creates fingerprints over the glass and it just doesn't look very good compared to holding it like this. And the same principle would apply if you were holding a water glass like this. with your fingers together because it's... Changes the temperature of the liquid. It changes the temperature and it's just more elegant than like the clawgrass or something like that.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
No clawgrass. But with that, what questions can I answer? Okay, so that's great. That's easy.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Your napkin would go on your chair if you were getting up and you intend to come back. And ideally, in this situation, we have an arm to our chair. So then I would put it on the arm of my chair because it's slightly more sanitary than where you actually sit. But if not, I would put it on the seat of the chair. And then when you're done, I would put my napkin to the left.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And you don't need to fold it. Let's say you are at a restaurant where they have a really lovely fold. You don't need to recreate that fold. Just put it to the left of your place. Okay, the left.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
No, and when you think about that, someone needs to clean the napkin eventually. But that also brings up a good point about... If you're ever hosting something, you never want to use anything that's so precious that you're not able to enjoy yourself while your guests are going to feel on edge.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
You never serve yourself first, so that's good.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
it's a generous posture to just always offer other people so like even if that's water like let's say there's a pitcher of water that's right in front of me i would offer it to the person on my left first and then if they would like some i would pour it for them okay and then i would pour myself and then in the u.s we pass to the right and so you would go along like that and you always want to take one portion even if there's a lot there take one portion for yourself and then once everybody else
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
If you're on a date, only I think if they were to your left. So if you're seated right beside each other. But not straight, not across. Oh, if it was just the two of you, actually I would. If you were going to, I think it's very nice. I don't think there's a right or a wrong there. And also, if you're ever the host, you serve your guests before you serve yourself or your family.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Right, yes. So if someone is right-handed, we would put the handle of the tea cup or the coffee cup is on the right-hand side. So if we imagine this is like a clock and we have 12 o'clock at the top, it would be three o'clock. Here is where we put the handle.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And the way you hold a tea cup and the way you hold a coffee cup are different, mostly because coffee cups are heavier, so they involve like just more weight. If it was a coffee cup, I would hold it like this. And then if it was a teacup, I would pinch my pointer finger and my thumb together and I would support it like this. Okay.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Can I try? It's very specific and honestly a lot of teacups are heavier these days. No, this is wrong. You're close. You would just extend. So pinch your pointer finger and your thumb and then extend your third finger to support it there. Exactly. Yeah. It's just a little more ladylike. It's a little more ladylike and it works if you are really having like a proper afternoon tea on a high.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And then when it comes to stirring coffee or tea, we don't swirl like this. You go back and forth, back and forth, like 12, 6, 12, 6. Oh, okay. Great. And then just as a general matter, you don't clink like that because you want to protect the glass and you just kind of shake it to the side like this.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
The same would go, and a lot of people do this, when you're ever doing a cheers, you don't actually clink the glasses.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
But you make eye contact. You make eye contact. And then another thing that people often don't know is that if anyone is ever doing a cheers in your honor, you actually don't take a sip. So you should just smile and say thank you. to take a sip when someone is giving a toast and your honor is sort of like giving yourself a round of applause or singing happy birthday to yourself. Even at a wedding?
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Even at a wedding. Wow. That's great to know. So like the two big things that happen at weddings all the time are the clinking of glasses to get everyone's attention. Oh yeah.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
Get a mic. Yeah. That's a good solution. And then, yeah, you say thank you, you smile, but you don't actually take a sip.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
I would say don't be too nervous when it comes to etiquette. Oftentimes, I think people think people are paying more attention to them than they actually are, and I mean that in a good way. So I would think about that if you're ever feeling nervous, especially at any sort of like formal meal or big event or wedding.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
And in terms of connecting, I'm at Elevate Etiquette on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, threads, all the places. And so happy to be here. Thank you so much. I actually do have a book. coming out. It'll be out next year.
Excuse My Grandma
Excuse My Grandma's Guide to Etiquette
So I am working on my manuscript now. I'm excited. Thank you.