Alison Wood Brooks

It goes back to this idea of our instinct says that I'm right and I'm going to prove to you that I'm right. And to do that, I need to say it in such a compelling and strong way that you can't possibly deny that I'm right. We forget that it's really hard to be on the receiving end of that, to be the listener and to be receiving such like strong words. statement, righteous sort of language.

And so this point about qualifying your language, expressing the points that you're uncertain about, like, I actually was wondering if this or I think I'm pretty sure this or I wonder about this. Those qualifications, that qualifying language goes against our instincts to be strong and resolute and decisive.

And so this point about qualifying your language, expressing the points that you're uncertain about, like, I actually was wondering if this or I think I'm pretty sure this or I wonder about this. Those qualifications, that qualifying language goes against our instincts to be strong and resolute and decisive.

And so this point about qualifying your language, expressing the points that you're uncertain about, like, I actually was wondering if this or I think I'm pretty sure this or I wonder about this. Those qualifications, that qualifying language goes against our instincts to be strong and resolute and decisive.

But being on the receiving end of it, it makes that person sound so much more reasonable and realistic. And it's so much easier to engage with them. So you're probably detecting a theme here, which is... All of this stuff goes towards the goal of being able to continue talking to each other in a way that's productive and, dare I say, enjoyable.

But being on the receiving end of it, it makes that person sound so much more reasonable and realistic. And it's so much easier to engage with them. So you're probably detecting a theme here, which is... All of this stuff goes towards the goal of being able to continue talking to each other in a way that's productive and, dare I say, enjoyable.

But being on the receiving end of it, it makes that person sound so much more reasonable and realistic. And it's so much easier to engage with them. So you're probably detecting a theme here, which is... All of this stuff goes towards the goal of being able to continue talking to each other in a way that's productive and, dare I say, enjoyable.

Because if we go along with our instincts to prove to people that we're right, it's very hard to continue to have that conversation and it's going to spiral into a place that's not enjoyable. Yeah.

Because if we go along with our instincts to prove to people that we're right, it's very hard to continue to have that conversation and it's going to spiral into a place that's not enjoyable. Yeah.

Because if we go along with our instincts to prove to people that we're right, it's very hard to continue to have that conversation and it's going to spiral into a place that's not enjoyable. Yeah.

You know, I was talking to another guest on Hidden Brain some time ago, and he used to be a champion, you know, debater in high school. And of course, when you're having a debate, you know, you present your strongest argument and the other person presents their strongest argument. And then a judge decides whose argument is the best. And he was pointing out that in many ways,

You know, I was talking to another guest on Hidden Brain some time ago, and he used to be a champion, you know, debater in high school. And of course, when you're having a debate, you know, you present your strongest argument and the other person presents their strongest argument. And then a judge decides whose argument is the best. And he was pointing out that in many ways,

You know, I was talking to another guest on Hidden Brain some time ago, and he used to be a champion, you know, debater in high school. And of course, when you're having a debate, you know, you present your strongest argument and the other person presents their strongest argument. And then a judge decides whose argument is the best. And he was pointing out that in many ways,

we conduct difficult conversations the same way, which is we try and prosecute our argument and expect the other person is going to prosecute their argument. And then imagine that there is some kind of imaginary judge who's going to come in and give us the prize for coming up with the better argument. But of course, in real life, there is no judge.

we conduct difficult conversations the same way, which is we try and prosecute our argument and expect the other person is going to prosecute their argument. And then imagine that there is some kind of imaginary judge who's going to come in and give us the prize for coming up with the better argument. But of course, in real life, there is no judge.

we conduct difficult conversations the same way, which is we try and prosecute our argument and expect the other person is going to prosecute their argument. And then imagine that there is some kind of imaginary judge who's going to come in and give us the prize for coming up with the better argument. But of course, in real life, there is no judge.

There is no third party to adjudicate and say, your argument was better than the other person's argument. Your goal, in fact, is to get across to the other person and to sort of find common ground with the other person. And that's very hard to do when you're trying to beat the other person into a pulp.

There is no third party to adjudicate and say, your argument was better than the other person's argument. Your goal, in fact, is to get across to the other person and to sort of find common ground with the other person. And that's very hard to do when you're trying to beat the other person into a pulp.

There is no third party to adjudicate and say, your argument was better than the other person's argument. Your goal, in fact, is to get across to the other person and to sort of find common ground with the other person. And that's very hard to do when you're trying to beat the other person into a pulp.

That's exactly right. And there's this sort of thought experiment that I like to do that I think of as my way, your way, the right way. For almost any task or any topic or any issue, let's just call it loading the dishwasher. I have my way of loading the dishwasher. You have your way of loading the dishwasher.