Alison Wood Brooks

When we come back, why seemingly innocuous comments can deeply hurt another person and a magic key to disarming someone who is very angry with you. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

When we come back, why seemingly innocuous comments can deeply hurt another person and a magic key to disarming someone who is very angry with you. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

Have you ever noticed that when you're having a difficult conversation, or even a conversation that wasn't supposed to be difficult, something you say can set off another person and send the conversation haywire? You are not trying to give offense, but the other person is deeply offended. At Harvard Business School, Alison Woodbrook says she teaches her students an exercise to avoid such landmines.

Have you ever noticed that when you're having a difficult conversation, or even a conversation that wasn't supposed to be difficult, something you say can set off another person and send the conversation haywire? You are not trying to give offense, but the other person is deeply offended. At Harvard Business School, Alison Woodbrook says she teaches her students an exercise to avoid such landmines.

Have you ever noticed that when you're having a difficult conversation, or even a conversation that wasn't supposed to be difficult, something you say can set off another person and send the conversation haywire? You are not trying to give offense, but the other person is deeply offended. At Harvard Business School, Alison Woodbrook says she teaches her students an exercise to avoid such landmines.

My students find it helpful to use a model to think about why these difficult moments pop up in conversations, sometimes unexpectedly, often unexpectedly. And we use a model that we call the layers of the earth. Above the surface of the earth, this is the content of the conversation.

My students find it helpful to use a model to think about why these difficult moments pop up in conversations, sometimes unexpectedly, often unexpectedly. And we use a model that we call the layers of the earth. Above the surface of the earth, this is the content of the conversation.

My students find it helpful to use a model to think about why these difficult moments pop up in conversations, sometimes unexpectedly, often unexpectedly. And we use a model that we call the layers of the earth. Above the surface of the earth, this is the content of the conversation.

So the words that we're saying to each other, the sound, the way we sound to each other, our nonverbal cues, all the things that are observable above the surface. Right at the surface of the earth are our emotions, and sometimes parts of our emotions are observable. You can tell when I'm getting angry or anxious or upset, and sometimes they're hidden beneath the surface of the earth.

So the words that we're saying to each other, the sound, the way we sound to each other, our nonverbal cues, all the things that are observable above the surface. Right at the surface of the earth are our emotions, and sometimes parts of our emotions are observable. You can tell when I'm getting angry or anxious or upset, and sometimes they're hidden beneath the surface of the earth.

So the words that we're saying to each other, the sound, the way we sound to each other, our nonverbal cues, all the things that are observable above the surface. Right at the surface of the earth are our emotions, and sometimes parts of our emotions are observable. You can tell when I'm getting angry or anxious or upset, and sometimes they're hidden beneath the surface of the earth.

Right below that layer are our motives or our goals. And, you know, maybe sometimes I want to seek your advice, but you don't want to give it. Or I want to persuade you, but you are not ready to be persuaded. When we have incongruous motives, it's another way that difficult moments can erupt. And then at the very core of the earth, of course, are our differences in our identities.

Right below that layer are our motives or our goals. And, you know, maybe sometimes I want to seek your advice, but you don't want to give it. Or I want to persuade you, but you are not ready to be persuaded. When we have incongruous motives, it's another way that difficult moments can erupt. And then at the very core of the earth, of course, are our differences in our identities.

Right below that layer are our motives or our goals. And, you know, maybe sometimes I want to seek your advice, but you don't want to give it. Or I want to persuade you, but you are not ready to be persuaded. When we have incongruous motives, it's another way that difficult moments can erupt. And then at the very core of the earth, of course, are our differences in our identities.

And anytime conversation shoots down to the hot magma of our identity, things are going to feel really hot and heated and difficult. And even sort of easy conversations have a way of shooting down to that hot magma core of our identities in sort of unexpected ways. And my students talk about this a lot. Like, you know, you can even an innocuous question like, oh, where did you get your glasses?

And anytime conversation shoots down to the hot magma of our identity, things are going to feel really hot and heated and difficult. And even sort of easy conversations have a way of shooting down to that hot magma core of our identities in sort of unexpected ways. And my students talk about this a lot. Like, you know, you can even an innocuous question like, oh, where did you get your glasses?

And anytime conversation shoots down to the hot magma of our identity, things are going to feel really hot and heated and difficult. And even sort of easy conversations have a way of shooting down to that hot magma core of our identities in sort of unexpected ways. And my students talk about this a lot. Like, you know, you can even an innocuous question like, oh, where did you get your glasses?

Or, hey, I love your haircut. can feel sort of deeply threatening to people if they're imagining that this question is going to lead to something very sensitive about their identity or where they're from or their race or their gender or their, you know, sexual orientation. And so what we talk about in my class is becoming a little bit more aware of differences at every layer of the earth.

Or, hey, I love your haircut. can feel sort of deeply threatening to people if they're imagining that this question is going to lead to something very sensitive about their identity or where they're from or their race or their gender or their, you know, sexual orientation. And so what we talk about in my class is becoming a little bit more aware of differences at every layer of the earth.

Or, hey, I love your haircut. can feel sort of deeply threatening to people if they're imagining that this question is going to lead to something very sensitive about their identity or where they're from or their race or their gender or their, you know, sexual orientation. And so what we talk about in my class is becoming a little bit more aware of differences at every layer of the earth.