Allie Volpe
Appearances
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
I think that more opportunities to be in a group of other men in a structured way. And I don't know exactly what that looks like. But, you know, adult sports leagues, for example, more like missions and quests for men to do.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
I wrote a little bit about this. And I think the male loneliness epidemic conversation kind of, it spread because it became a conversation kind of about dating. That's how I first heard about it. And that's, I think, why this traveled so far. And I think they were conflating a conversation about singleness with a conversation about being lonely when actually they're kind of two different things.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
Yeah, it's almost like a very easy explanation because it's solvable. If you kind of pin it on loneliness, then there's a solution embedded in that, which is like, talk to them and make them less lonely. And it kind of feels like too easy of a solution to what might be just more kind of ingrained ideological differences.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
women have more one-to-one intimate relationships. If you think about physically how they're relating to their friends, with women, it's more face-to-face talking. And men, they're more doing things together side-by-side or playing a game side-by-side. There are a few studies around just physically how people orient to each other.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
I think men are socialized less to reach out to individuals and more to kind of
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
Coming up, do men need to spend more time with their boys? A friendship is a kind of living thing. You need to water it like a plant. Or after a while, those friendships can atrophy. Stick around.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
I think for men, there's this idea that kind of goes unspoken where it's like when you have a spouse, that spouse will kind of take care of a lot of the life things for you that are not making money. Right. My dad, for example, rarely made social plans. My mom made all of those social plans. Like I think your life kind of becomes very narrow.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
You have like work and then your spouse and your family. And there's really not much of like an outlet for more than that.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
I think men sometimes have this idea that they need to really focus in order to succeed, really focus on the few things that matter. No distractions. Right, exactly. Let me like lock in on this thing. That's the term. You got it. Lock in. Yeah. Right. And then you just miss out on so much.
It's Been a Minute
The men's loneliness epidemic might not exist
And I think also when you're not sort of being in kind of regular touch with your friends outside of your relationship, those friendships can atrophy. Like a friendship is like kind of living thing. Like you need to water it like a plant.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
And he just feels like, how do I get people to trust me? How do I get how do I trust other people? And I get it. It's really, really hard. But I think we have to just like assume that people want what we want.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Like we just have to have a little bit of like humanity and flexibility for people and like to understand like, yes, if I'm an inherently like valued but imperfect person, so is this other person.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Just anecdotally, so many of the single people I know personally are having a hard time with dating. It just seems like nobody is having a fun time.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
And like we're generally socializing less than like even 10, 20 years ago. So it makes it hard to just meet people.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
We're also living in a way that doesn't necessarily promote connection. Like, we stare at our phones when we're on public transportation or while we're waiting in line for coffee. We use self-checkout. We order food via apps and touch screens. We wear AirPods in any interstitial moment.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
You're on the phone. So it just like kind of makes it hard to like naturally or quote unquote like naturally meet people. But like for men in particular, this really seems to be a problem. According to a 2022 Pew Research Center survey, 63% of men under 30 said they were single compared to only 34% of women in the same age bracket. single men were likely to be looking for love.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Like half of them in that same survey said they reported looking for a committed relationship and or casual dates, while only 35% of single women said the same. So, you know, there's a desire there and there's a lot of men looking for this, but they're having trouble.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Yeah. I mean, to speak to the caller's point about like who are creating these rules.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
I'm doing a follow-up story about dating standards and expectations specifically. And, you know, like going back to the 70s, 80s, you know, if you would poll women about like what they were looking for in men, they're often looking for these like provider type qualities of they're high earner, they're going to protect, they're going to support.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
And men just as consistently are like, I just want somebody hot. Yeah.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Nice. And these expectations have persisted, like, from the 80s until, you know, recently. Like, these things have not really changed very much. A recent YouGov poll found that men prioritize sex, romance, and physical attraction more than women, while women emphasize empathy, monogamy, and independence more.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
This is, I think, a good consequence of the Me Too movement, I think, is that there's been like a wider discussion about like what behavior women would consider predatory or inappropriate. So I think there's more of an understanding that like you shouldn't be creepy and harass women, which is great. Like that is wonderful.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
And Richard Reeves, the expert I talked to, he's the president of the American Institute for Boys and Men, and he wrote a book also called Of Boys and Men, Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It. He told me that the men that he works with, like, generally understand this. Like, don't be a creep. But that's getting in the way of them dating, you know?
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Like, they're so in their heads about it. Like, they don't want to come off as, like, a quote-unquote bad guy, but they're just sort of opting out of it altogether. Yeah.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
Something else I've been thinking about a lot is more people are going to therapy, that is a good thing. But out of that has come like the emergence of therapy speak where people are misusing terms that are vaguely like pop psychology that like not even a therapist would use. You know, if anyone has what you deem like a quote unquote red flag, it's a no go.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
And so people are writing people off based on some of these red flags. But I think everybody is going to have something that might give you the quote unquote ick or, you know, might not be your dream standard. And we are more likely to write them off immediately because of that. You got to meet people in person. I think like, again, like apps are fine, but I think it's a tool.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
You got to go to places where there are people and you're doing an activity that like you like. So like you shouldn't go to like run club if you hate running and expect to meet somebody, you know, like maybe you do like like a wine tasting club or like you go to you take some pottery classes or comedy classes, whatever.
Today, Explained
Why does dating suck for guys?
go somewhere where there's going to be people that like you can see week after week. Like if you're seeing them week after week after week, like they kind of get a sense of who you are. And I think we just like, can't assume the worst of people. I feel like trust is really low right now. Again, another young male reader reached out to me. He's 20, 21, and he's just starting to date.