Alza
Appearances
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
66, he's practically a spring chicken. Well, you see, they don't want to vote in them too young because they don't want them to be there for too long because then it becomes like some sort of weird Pope dictatorship. Okay, Jean-Marc, a bit Putin vibes like.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Jo, have you chosen? One of them is quite liberal. One of them is, he kind of agrees, he's willing to bless same-sex marriages and he is willing, he's willing to kind of take a stand. He doesn't believe the priest should be celibate, that kind of thing.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I got it already. What can I say? I've been doing my research.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
The former frontrunner for Pope was also accused of handling a 125,000 payment to a charity run by his brother, as well as a 575,000 fee paid to Cecilia Moranga, a self-styled intelligence expert who offered to broker the release of a nun held hostage in Africa by Islamic extremists. I had no idea there was so much drama in the Vatican. Also... So much. So much drama.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I didn't watch. I just looked at the photos. I didn't watch the funeral. Are you mental? Apparently the funeral was, the queue was carnage. There was like nuns out trying to get in at the top. And it was, someone said, the thing that I read, they were like,
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
it didn't feel sad it felt like a festival there was port-a-loos and I'd say the Trevi Fountain is wildly contaminated I'd say these nuns and priests were living for this like this is a huge this is like Olympic Village writing I would say sorry obviously I know they're all celibate in inverted commas but like come on we know wink wink nudge nudge I don't know I don't think it's right to be asking somebody to be celibate for the rest of their life of course it's not it's insane
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I couldn't get a hold of Vogue for two days. And that's not like Vogue. So I was getting very frustrated. And I was like, Vogue, what's going on? Is something happening? Is something wrong? Like, what's happening? She's like, no, sorry, I'm just really busy. I'll ring you later. And I was like, okay, thanks. She rang me. I didn't answer. But the reason was, I was training.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
And I knew then, I was like, everything's fine. It's fine, it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow. I got needy.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
You should be doing wellness checks on me. Anything could happen. I could be electrocuted trying to change a plug that you're trying to force me to do.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Is that a humbug? You have very strict rules about us eating on the podcast. Those rules seem to not apply to you.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Excuse me, you were out and about with Ross yesterday. Oh, he's taking over all my socials. I'm starting a YouTube channel now. I'm handing it all over to Ross, yeah. A YouTube channel for comedy stuff? I'm going to cut up Prosecco. I'm going to put it on the internet. I finally accepted that Netflix aren't going to buy it. So I've made my peace with that. They're lost. They're lost.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
It's 100% they're lost. I'll tell you this joke. I'll tell you this joke. If Netflix don't get their finger out for Penophile, well, I'll do nothing about it. But...
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
eventually when they come knocking I'll be like well I'll do well I'll do it's too late I'll be like thank you so much for the opportunity I just work in the office I do anything who we'd love to put peanut file up but we're not paying you okay fine take it yeah fine take it I'll actually do you want me to cancel the rest of the tour because I will of course I will I'll do anything it's so funny it's just because Netflix they're such a good it's the kudos of Netflix everyone wants a Netflix special not as easily got as you think yeah
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I say if I get murdered, I might get someone. If I'm the victim of a serial killer, I'll be on Netflix.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Some of them are. Sometimes it's so vicious. You're like, this is personal. This is like to have that much venom for someone that you don't know. You know that person. You can feel it.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I actually think that's better. I think finding out that like you're kind of someone you know is like I'd prefer it to be strangers.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant the Ashley Madison hack. That's what I meant. There will be a hack. I do think that will happen for these websites. I do think that will happen one day. And people will be more at home. If there was...
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Maybe I'll find my trolls and that's how I'll get on Netflix.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Well, I will say I love them because they're so tiny. It's like a child's kitchen utensil. Do you know those children's kitchens that come with tiny frying pans and everything? It's basically like I have one of those to our kitchen. Yeah, it's like that. I feel like Polly Pocket.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
There was another writer, writer Lindy West on confronting her internet troll and reclaiming the word fat. So I remember this story. I don't remember it well enough. I'd have to read it again. But it is an interesting story. She was basically getting absolutely trolled to death by this person.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Her father had recently died and the troll was using photos of her father and like making him say things offensively. And calling her like basically a fat bitch, blah, blah, blah. And your father must be so embarrassed and all this stuff. And she ends up coming off the internet. And then she went back on the internet. And like that, she found him. It was a man. It was a man. Asked to meet him.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah. She actually has a book about it. Notes from a Loud Woman. We all know the anonymity of the internet can often bring out the worst in people. But what if you had to face someone who harassed you online? But in person, that's what happened to writer Linda West. This guy took his internet hate to a whole new level. But then he did something remarkable. He apologised.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
yeah I say that with like kind of regretfully you're happy sadly you're happy big news in aviation oh which you know I'm a huge fan of they found the plane no still looking for the plane okay Well, no, they're not actually. They've stopped looking for the plane.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Sorry, they have. Sorry, I'm sorry. I forgot about that. So again, it's on. I have... Geroad, who opens Pinafile with me most of the time, was like, so every show I've done, I've had one reference to the missing Malaysian Airlines flight. And he goes, I can't believe you've managed to wangle it into Pinafile again.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I just think it's one of the greatest mysteries of our generation and potentially the world. But other aviation news, they think they found Amelia Earhart's plane. Now, yes. Well, how long ago did she die? So she was supposed to be the first woman to fly around the world. And she didn't do it, Amelia. She ran out of fuel, which, I mean, that's something I would do in a Toyota Corolla.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Well, sorry. Do you know what? I went down to the Framers on a Monday. I have five prints, including yours.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
It's not something, I don't know how she managed to do it.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
It was an early plane, but I mean, come on, would you not stick a can in the boot? You're not doing the aviation girlies any justice here.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
So someone thinks they found her plane. She went missing. She crashed into the sea. She pedalled. The plane collapsed. And then she died of exposure and hunger on an island. And then her body, this is the theory, was eaten by coconut crabs. So then, of course, I had to Google coconut crabs. Jesus, I hate crabs so much. Coconut crabs are these, like, it's the stuff of horror movies. They're crabs.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Their claws are so strong. They can crack open coconuts.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Honestly. Imagine getting eaten to death by coconut crabs. Or no, sorry, she starved to death and then her body was eaten by coconut crabs.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
They look like they've just escaped out of a lab. I think there's hair on them as well. Oh, gosh. God. They're wearing ponytails. They've got plaits. Anyway, yeah, that's the latest on Emilia. I was devastated for her. She went out to do something really special and then death by coke and a crab. I'm glad you told me that because I have been thinking about her non-stop. There you go.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I knew you needed an update. Yeah. I have a date. Emilia not so air heart. Emilia island heart.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
No, do you know what we'll do? We'll do one of those things where you push me in a sidecar. Or we could go on rollerblades. Can you do a rollerblade? Can you do it on rollerblades or not? Are there rules, Jo?
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I think the point of the marathon is the running. Have you seen the professional walkers who walk as like a sport? And yeah, the woggle on them.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, we could wiggle our way through the marathon. There was a girl messaged me and she said, I was very confused. She said, and she listened to the podcast and she was thanking me for us keeping her going while she did the, she said, I did the virtual marathon. And I was like, hold on a second. If you can do it virtually, I'm well up for that.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I said, so what are you doing just sitting at home watching it? But apparently the virtual marathon is when you don't get into the real marathon. So you make up your own trail. I thought it was, I was like, I'll do the virtual marathon just sitting on the peloton, eating a pad thai, not moving.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
That'd be a great idea. We could hot air balloon folk. Ring your contacts. Let's do a hot air balloon collab. A friend of mine did the marathon. I was like, where did all this come from? He just suddenly was doing a marathon training. And he said it was a great way to escape family life for a while. I said, do you have fair play? Really?
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, he was like, well, he said it's, you know, I'm at that stage in my life.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Once I'm in there, I'm upsold, you know, I'm sold. And then they have a certain guy in the place that comes and hangs it because obviously I can't do any DIY. Someone comes and hangs it for you? A guy called, what's his name? Norwood or something.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
they could decapitate a human head. You think I like little necks? Look at her necks. You think island life is all good crack?
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
And margaritas, it's not. You get decapitated by a crab.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Watch yourself this summer. I just want to say, let the record show. I'm still using my Polaroid printer. It's been nine days. Well done.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
We said 21. Because today I was like, I think I'm going to start gymnastics. And I was like, no, focus. You're still using your Polaroid printer.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
A show. Before we leave, I just want to say, I added two new shows to Pina Fowl in Lisbon and Barcelona. And practically, I really should go to one of them with you.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
but so and they announced the two new shows now they're not like it wasn't like their thousand seaters or anything but I didn't realise there was a huge internet outage in Spain and Portugal oh yeah oh you must have felt so sad I felt so sad because I was like why is no one buying the tickets it's like there's no internet I was like can you imagine us having to go days without the internet yeah
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
And you can't even announce to the internet that you've got no internet because you've got no internet.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
We're waiting for you. They ghost so bad. They're spinning. They're spinning clients, of course, because they're trying to keep everyone happy. See, you have a drill. This probably is a bit boring for the podcast. I need to borrow your drill.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Honestly, are the people with the most money or the scariest? Me and Joe have learned from you. You've groomed us into these animals. These monsters.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, but there are definitely rewards for being heavily downloaded online as well. Okay, well, once I get a medal for something. You'll get a medal for something. We'll give you a medal.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
just have a medal for everything I think but the book seems to me because it's kind of funny stories about your life I can see that why it would be like if I was a punter I'd be downloading it as an audio from the horse's mouth from the horse's mouth that's actually really rude because you know I look like a horse he said it
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
that's it for this week thank you for listening please like and subscribe tell your mates or tell your mates your enemies yeah tell your trolls tell your trolls I was gonna say there's some people do you know the way some people rage bait online like we'll talk about it in the bonus but Jojo Siwa who I'm currently trying to figure out oh we need to deep dive her yeah I have some thoughts.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
We'll save it for the bonus because we didn't have time today. But I think she rage baits because they, and I wouldn't be mentally equipped for it now myself.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
So you see people on TikTok where they're like, slag me all you want or kind of abuse me online all you want because you're just driving traffic to these videos where, now these are people publicly trolling rather than the anonymous, like kind of private trolling. And then they can monetize these videos. So they're like, bring it. Wow, that's actually kind of clever.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I don't not for any particular reason I'm not sure it's a good idea I'm not sure it's a good idea but I'll let you have a go I've a load of things to hang would you not wait till you own your own place before you start borrowing my drill I think I'm doing an interiors show or an episode or like one episode of an interiors thing maybe maybe on the flat so I'm gonna have to really oh my god that'll be really good yeah yeah shit I should have got you in for my show there is a tool that detects electric cables in your wall oh god I never even thought about that before you drill
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
We need more haters. Maybe we need to be wildly inappropriate on the podcast. Agree. Any more than we are. I think we're actually, I mean, thank God for Joe and the editors. We're going to go heavy on dictators next week. Get ready. I genuinely thought you were going to say heavy on dick and I was like, great, where are we going? We're going to Lisbon. We're no, sorry, I'm a voluntary sell.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
sounds so boring but the amount of stuff you can do your own is unbelievable that's why I want to have a go at your drill just to familiarise myself with the whole drilling system because I do feel as a single woman who lives alone I don't want to be handing over cash for the rest of my life to do very basic things no and you should be able to change a plug all those kinds you know you can get I'm going to get you no I'm actually not getting you anything because I haven't got my presents yet so
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
you can buy yourself a laser I dragged all these things down to the framer and like I say they're away they're closed on a Monday I'll never understand it because they're also closed on a Sunday it's not like they work Sundays anyway what I'm saying is the process has begun but you know me I like to take my time with things
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
the only thing is no one says you can't get a line bike first of all sorry get a line bike do not cycle those things look like a disaster they're like I feel safer in an egg carton on the roads than a line bike are you joking me why unless they want to sponsor the podcast in which case I'm a big fan
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Joe, will you send me an email to remind me to buy you a baby present? Thank you. Do it now. Send an alarm. Send an alarm.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Oh my God, I'm surprised you even made it out of bed.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, it's great when you buy presents for yourself. I mean, it's high-end activity.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
It's very Banksy. Maybe it's an art installation. Maybe he's taken after his auntie Joanne. Maybe he's going to get into the visual arts.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I must go down and have a look at him. I haven't seen him in ages. Speaking of the shopping, this might be boring or might not be boring.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Joe I'll let you decide but I was in so this might be a really obvious life hack when you're in if and when you're in a posh part of any town go into their charity shop I was in I was in Notting Hill yesterday I go there to get my hair done into Larry King the hallway to Notting Hill I go to I go to once you're attached to a hair once you're attached to a colourist you gotta go I'd go to Ghana if Katie moved to Ghana you gotta go I cheat on everyone you gotta follow your you gotta follow your colourists
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I might cheat on both of you in a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get someone new in the mix. But so there's an Oxfam in Notting Hill, and you go in, and it's all, it's savage, because it's obviously Notting Hill. It's like, why am I whispering? Very expensive.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, I went in, I got a load of designer shit for people. Oh, we want to know what you got. Oh, well, I don't know. Just like really well-made stuff. I didn't recognise the name, but you can tell that they're high-end stuff.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, Zara Jumpsy. And I was like, wow. Look at this Jane Norman jumper. I guess it is subjective as to what you think is designer. But for me, I ran out of the place like I burgled it. I was thrilled with myself. And then I got home and I was putting them all on and I had a great day. That's how I felt with Vinted.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
They're basically, if anyone's not aware, they're the kind of city bike. They're electric. Are they?
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
720 pounds whoa 720 for a tank top yep well I got it for 80 and I even thought that was the lot that's a two week holiday 720 pounds imagine that speaking of holidays so did I tell you me and my family are going away for Christmas for Christmas we're going away for Christmas we're going to a we're going we're going to have a tropical Christmas we're going somewhere hot where we're going to Canaries or something
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Yeah, no, you should go. I can't. It's too far. It's too far to go for five days. Oh yeah, it is, yeah. For Christmas. Well, I've only got that in my mind. It probably won't happen. Okay. And I was talking to my mother about it all and I was like, we're talking about the cost and everything. She told me the cost and I was like, well, I'll cover you for your Christmas present, blah, blah, blah.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I don't, sorry, you're right. They're always around Clapham Common. People just toss them on the ground. That drives me mad. They're like pennies or pre-market. You only go in there and if there's a Saturday and it's carnage, there's clothes everywhere.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Obviously, what? No. I said, Mum, we can't be sharing rooms. Has she not met you? I was like, Mum, me and you.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I can't have my system witnessed by my mother. Who would frighten anyone? I was like, I mean, I was like, I, she sounded a little like hurt when I was saying, she was like, obviously I thought we'd share. I said, obviously we aren't going to share. You're, I mean, I think it's too long.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
My mum would have us in twin beds like an elderly couple. Yeah. I was like, no. I also said, mum, I'm a single woman. You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. And then she went, well, in that case, I'm a single woman as well. Maybe I'll bring somebody back. I was like, well, there you go. There you go. We both get the clap in our separate rooms.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Imagine, mum, when you go into the bathroom for half an hour. It just hurt me in the bathroom.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
some hot Tenerifean lad you would do that I was just shocked that the assumption was that but now of course I've offered to pay for the holidays it's going to be twice the price I'm raising because I'm like I've offered it now I said no no no you'll be in your own room your own wing maybe you can actually say to her listen it's Christmas and birthday present birthday present yeah you can double up 100% yeah
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
See, because I've never presented as domestic in any way, I've never identified as such. So no one expects anything from me, which is actually, I mean, I think one day I will. I will get to a point where I will throw some sort of Christmas event potentially on the day, which I guess will be me.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
I found it on the driveway yesterday and I put it back in. Is it falling out again? Can I please talk about something I really didn't think I was going to take any interest in and I have. Yeah. I've taken a break from Married at First Sight. I'm big into The Conclave now. Did you watch the movie? No. So I'm not that big into it. You're getting on board. I'm into the real, I'm a reality TV girl.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
So I'm watching the real Conclave play out. I'm big into the Popes. It's all very Popes got talent. There's six in the running. One of them, his surname is Pizza Party. So I was like, I really want him to win. Oh, he'd be good, yeah. But then, so I was like, Joanne, you can't vote. And now obviously I don't actually have a vote.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
but I was like you can't vote for someone because some of them are quite hardcore these popes priests whatever they are cardinals I feel like that they're not really I think the pizza party fella living in Rome it all makes sense to me there's one from Ghana who it was against condoms even when there was like an AIDS epidemic in Africa so I was like Joanne you should probably read into them and not just vote for one because his surname is pizza party some of them are very misogynistic I don't want to put my vote into one of them because his name is pizza party and then he ends up doing something wild like decriminalising grape
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
Grape is what we say on TikTok when we don't want to use the real word. Yeah.
My Therapist Ghosted Me
DIY, Conclave & Trolls
We could do a sweep. That's a fun thing to do. We could do a sweepstake. Okay, let's see. Let's see who the popes are in the running. And then when they win, when they release the white smoke, I'm going to go out on my balcony and kind of puff on a proud Mary just to mark the event.