Andrew Dice Clay

Yeah, getting out, getting out there, barely getting by doing comedy, but getting by. Going on dates and stuff. I actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled. Whoa. Yeah.

Now I get pulled on Kill Tony.

Way better than it would have gotten. Amazing. What would you have done on the date? Who was it with? Just some lady on Hinge.

I just get drinks at Las Perlas. Okay. Talking, chit-chatting stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, that happens. I'm an acquired taste.

You got like a milk carton face.

Thank you, thank you.

Going from a canceled date to being gangbanged by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was going to go. Hey, that's how we met Rogan.

Just opening up for a couple of local people, opening up for a couple of... Going on the road?

Oklahoma City, Tulsa. I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me. Can't exactly be picky.

Yeah, yeah. Then, like, San Diego, where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there.

Oh, all the time, but I've never heard the one retard. I don't know how I'm just now hearing that after 30 years. It'll happen from now on. This is a pretty popular show. Juan Retard. Juan Retard. Oh, cool. I got a new credit. You might know this guy as the Juan Retard from Kill Tony.

No, the last time I was on this show, you didn't have the joke books yet.

Yeah.

All right. I saw the movie Oppenheimer. During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jew science. And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right? He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom.

What the hell is wrong with these people? Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut it in half. We have to do something about this. Now, I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out. And everybody's parents were like, ah, it's going to make the kids gay. And now, Everyone's gay. They were right. They knew exactly what they were talking about. Okay.

Trying.

I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time and waiting in the back. I heard all of it. I was like, fuck, should I do something else? It's like, screw it. We're doing it.

Hello. Thank you for having me. It's my birthday today, if you can believe that. So I was gonna try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up, but I had to let karma work its way out, and I can't believe I'm the last bucket bowl for tonight. I only have one joke prepared, and it's about Michael Lehrer. If we could all just bow our heads for a minute.

I'm ugly Jesus, sorry. So it'll be about a year since Michael passed soon. Actually, the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide. That was Halloween two years ago, I think. And then he didn't do it. And I blame him because this is the joke that I had prepared. In honor of Michael Lehrer's life, I want to take all of his performances.

And I want to press them to vinyl. And if you want the authentic experience, you just listen to them at 33 speed, that super long drone. But if you want to hear him tell his jokes at a regular cadence, just play it at 78. That's my joke.

I did a full career in the Navy.

Okay.

I am Old Navy.

It is hot in here.

Yeah, I know. I come across as a jerk, and that's what I know is going to make this super hard for me.

Funniest thing?

Well, it's a super long story, so it would be really... Eh, let's save it.

It is.

I just think she has a lot of guts to walk out here.

I'm looking at him right now. With everything you're going through, you know, with all the sickness and all, you know, I get sick a lot. And I had some stuff taken out. You know, through the years. What's the thing you don't need? Testicles. The gallbladder? The gallbladder. See, she's like a dog. She's medical. You had the gallbladder taken out? Yeah. Okay. I gave the guy cash.

But, yeah, to have the guts to come out here and just... I saw you were nervous. I get it. I was nervous coming out. I've never done Kill Tony, but you did a great job.

What was your question, Dice? Houston's like your neighborhood? Well, I mean, we live in Houston. Like if they're in Dallas or San Antonio, like you're not interested in the kidney? I don't get that.

I mean, the girl has FNTS. Isn't that what it, what's it called? FSGS. What's that? FSGS. Oh, I'm thinking FNTS. Friday night talk session. It's a whole different thing.

He's been working the asshole thing out. I mean, that's a lot of stuff to get out. I'm your asshole. Do you know what I mean?

It's like you should pay a toll to go into that.

That's a lot of stuff.

You never even thought to maybe go, Paul here? No. You just stuck with Steve.

You realize millions of people are going to see this.

AA isn't millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, he never mentioned if he got back together with Steve.

This is a test. A very exciting moment for me, because Tony's been asking me since day one, and, you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah. I used to think that he was doing this show about murder. You know, like you see on TV with the, you know, I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand-up, and he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice.

This is perhaps... He's trying to look good in front of the fiancée, right? Oh, yeah. Well, this isn't going to look good in front of her. But you don't. Yeah, she's going to be upset with me. You don't.

Maybe that's what the aim was. I don't know.

So I figured it out now.

Yeah, yeah. With baggage, other fucking kids, the whole fucking thing. Get the fuck out of here.

Let me tell you something, Tony, one thing. There are no two Dice fans anywhere in the world, anywhere, that would ever argue going, oh, what college you think Dice went to?

33.

Where is she?

He made the guy before him look like an absolute fucking genius. Yeah. Like I would buy a ticket to see the guy before him. I mean, that was... At 40 years old, why in your right mind would you go, I'm going to go out and talk about sucking cum out of another guy's dickhead? You understand?

See, you never know what's bad until you just see something way fucking worse. Yeah.

We don't even know what kind of Indian she's talking about. You know. Are we... Thank you. Are we talking TP or are we talking 7-Eleven?

Amazing. But she kicked ass tonight. Yeah.

Thank you. It was unbelievable. It was un... And truthful about your, you know, the Ozempic thing. Yeah. I mean, me, I like them thick and beefy. Well, all right. You know what I mean? Thicker than you. I'm talking two feet deep from belly to back. With a triple chin on the back of her head. Oh!

That is incredible. I've never even seen one like that. If you think of being in the 7-Eleven, you're never looking at a tall guy. Which is the reason I steal. I'm not afraid.

Oh, thank you.

Couldn't avoid the sexiness.

He might be the Indian husband.

You went to Bangkok for this? I did.

There's no other dream you have. Damn. You play an instrument, something. Are you killing my dreams right now?

No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Step back a little. Step back. Yeah, all right. All right, now go. No, that's... That's not how he did it. He had that foot in front. The right foot. I want to see. Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen.

I saw, like, if he had, like, a little wig on, like, he could... Remember when I said the part about doing impersonations?

Like, picture this. I'm just gonna... You tell me what it's from. Red Band, I don't know.

Just listen. I am Kane.

Put those two together, he's got an act. I don't know. I mean, I thought he stunk. I just got to be honest. He told me, like, be nice. I don't know. Todd. Todd. Trying.

He's got the Dice starter kit on.

But you like girls. Do you watch The Godfather Christmastime? Uh, yeah, well, I mean, like... You remember with Santino? He brings the chick upstairs during the wedding. You like that scene? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's one of the best scenes. I mean, does it excite you when he's got that chick with her big pig tits nailed against the wall? Take that!

Let me see you do Marlon Brando like the Asian. No, that's not it. That stinks. That's terrible.

No, that's you. Jesus. You didn't even do this part.

See, isn't that a little better when you do that?

I don't understand the whole bundling. It is crazy. I'm cold. You are. How cold can you be? What's the weather mean? He said it's a little cold outside. He lives in his car.

It's not even that Asian. I don't even believe you. Try it. Say, hey, bro. If you're going to do it, go all the way with the shit. Hello. No, see, that's not... You're never going nowhere with that. All right, all right. It's not what the people are looking for.

He's trying to help you.

It's exactly what I'm teaching him here.

And you're half Italian. You know, you come out to a crowd. You go, hey, how you doing, everybody? My name, what's your name again?

Shit name. That's not an Asian name.

JP, I know a JP. He's doing 20 to life. You understand? Ying. Ying, all right. Hey, what?

I'm Ying.

Whoa. Hey, look, if I dish it, I could take it.

Yeah. That's right. No, no, you got the wrong guy. I like your glasses. Not fart, man.

All right.

I loved it.

I would never.

Not everybody was like that tonight.

That was great. That was great.

Dice. That's great.

It's DiceClay.com. Instagram, andrewdiceclay.com. TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. Andrew Dice Clay. And maybe they'll get a picture one day. Who knows? Yeah.

Now, this has been an incredible experience for me.

Tony and Redman are incredible for real.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, it's not even about upstate New York. Can I say something about him? Yeah. I did have a little talk with him New Year's Eve. Yeah. And I want to say to all you people, people watching, that I really feel, because I've been watching him and he's only doing it, what, three years, you told me? Three years, sir.

And this guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience and how to perform and create new material every week than I've seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years. So I really... I just really think that, you know... In a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just going to get bigger and bigger for him. That's what I believe.

I completely agree. I'm not even kidding.

He just understands performance. What's that? No, like, you know yourself, like a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just do that. You walk out of, let's say, at the comedy store in two minutes. He works the room. He works the stage. He's a true, true performer.

Ugh.

You know what, Tony? You know what, I should have, I mean, number one, let's hear it for Tony Hengecliff, he's unreal. But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve. I mean, I saw The Undertaker. I fucked them. But the thing is this, Tony, I am a little upset. I'm just kidding. I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because...

You know when you carry something, you know, Joe? When something's bothering you? And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really gonna bother me, and I won't be able to do anything for you, because I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list.

I put things like, fingerless gloves I stole from Dick's Sporting Goods. Check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise. And I come over and I tell her, it's nice as you, shut up. I go back to the list. Shoes by Ferragamo. She makes another noise. It gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth.

You know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go, you know, shut the fuck up. I mean, you understand. If somebody said that to you, you would understand it, right? She makes another noise. And I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been sitting backstage for a while. And I come over to her and...

And with one hand, I'm just, I can't lie, I just can't do it. And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash her on the fucking ground. And now she's in fucking pieces. You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical. And everything was beautiful back then. I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I'd go, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio.

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away. Thank you. Alexa, check the coffee timer for five minutes. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky. And about eight months ago it starts, right? I come out, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some fucking rock and roll shit.

Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Nothing. Tell him in the shower, 20 minutes later, and she starts, beep, beep, beep, beep, hoping I slip and break my fucking hip. Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys? I know that would have never been a problem. Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.

Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Dice, you only gotta tell me one fucking time. I'm not fucking Alexa, me and you, we're the same. Go take your fucking shower, and if you wanna know the weather, look out the fucking window. And here we are, fucking New Year's Eve. This is the night. Let me tell you, this is one load at a time, fellas.

Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice all over you tonight. That's what it's all about. And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic. Walk around the bed, pal. Take a good look at her and what she's wearing. Be a mechanic. Move the tongue to the side. Nice beefy clam chops between her legs. You get on missionary. Why? Why would you get on missionary?

Just to break a sweat. Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs, get on your toes, dig in a little. Now when you break a sweat, you grab it by your ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed caddy corner. It's the best fucking workout in the world. You're doing the screwdriver. You're working your shoulders, your tris, your bi's. It's incredible. Now you're gonna do your fucking squats.

Hold on to that fucking ankle. But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon. On the sixth time down, my friend, you missed the pink lip lagoon and your tongue goes in a whole other area.

And when your tongue goes in her asshole... By the way, the asshole they used to hide from us with extra long pussy hairs, and today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little studded fucking earring in there. So when your tongue goes in there, what does a chick do? They all look to the left. They're all like... Did he do what I think he just did?

And then the show begins. Ass, putty, ass, putty. Tick, tick, tick. And go putty, putty, putty. Ass. Ass. Like you're honking a horn. Ass. Ass. Then you pick up the tempo. Ass, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Putty, putty, putty, putty, putty. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass.

And I learned all of that from all of my mom's best fucking friends. And that's where you are on New Year's Eve. I just came out. And I heard when you yelled that out. I heard it. But I don't know if these people would know the Mother Goose stuff. So, you know. I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet.

Eating her curds and whey. Long came a spidey, sat down beside. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! Jack and Jill went up to hell, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50. Oh! Little boy blew. He needed the money. Oh! Hickory dickory dock. This chick was sucking my cock. The clock struck two. I dropped my goo. I dumped a bitch on the next block. Oh!

Oh, mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over. Rover took over. Oh, she got a bone of her own. You've been a great crowd. God bless. Happy fucking New Year's. I love you, Austin. Thank you, Tony. I love you. Good night.

What are the drones? There were no drones. It was Snooki's Uber Eats order. It was your son, wasn't it? Where are you from? Austin. What's your favorite movie?

Thank you.