Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Three, two, one. Happy New Year, everybody. I'm feeling me, I'm feeling me. Oh, shit.
Oh, my.
I'm feeling me, I'm feeling me. Oh, my God. Fucking 50. My grandma hates you, nigga. She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the fuck she does. Is that fucking Tony Hawk? Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! What the fuck? Drew Nickens! Oh, my God. Do you like to be on The Secret Show Thursday? All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Toni Hinchcliffe. Let's go, Toni.
She doesn't eat pussy. She all hell gnaws on it. Earthquakes on his feet. I'm killing. Oh my God. Fuck you, Tony. The Roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy shit. Ever.
Coming to you live from the Kia Forum here in Los Angeles. Coming to you live from the YouTube Theater.
I'm not built for this. I'll admit it. You gotta be mean when they suck. Autism runs in my family. It's sprinting in your family. Oh my God. Let's see that.
I used to get high with the Night Stalker.
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Chapter 2: How does the show celebrate New Year's Eve?
Actually, I think that's Tony Hinchcliffe, which is super disappointing.
A so-called comedian made a number of racist comments.
Tony Hinchcliffe.
Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. This is about human rights, people rights, and this is about my people. Tony Hinchcliffe, go f*** yourself. I apologize to absolutely nobody.
Trump loses, and it is totally false. And because of that, World War III does take place.
The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.
How do you like my garbage truck? You won't hear from the vice president tonight.
Donald Trump has won the presidency. Among the key factors in his win, support from Latino voters.
He expanded his support among Latino voters.
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Chapter 3: What insights are shared about the comedy industry?
I said, let's fucking go Renegade style. Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So, I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests, two of the funniest comedians in the world.
First, I'm gonna bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year. He made his first appearance this year. Make some noise for him, Austin resident. You know him from the Shane Gillis crew. This is James McCann, everybody. Hell yeah, oh yeah. On panel, on New Year's Eve, in a fucking arena. Once a little Australian swordsmith, now living his dreams. Fuck yeah, welcome James.
I'm gonna jump right into it. Yes! Thank you for having me. And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden. Truly a brother who I have fucking... you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel, one of the funniest humans in the world. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody.
Hell yes. We are having fun here tonight. Veteran of the show. Multiple time guest. Very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth. Two of my favorite drinking buddies.
We do. And I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choice. Yes.
Shane is sick. Uh... RFK Jr. even has COVID. You can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr., somehow has COVID.
My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, sometimes they're not famous.
They were like, yeah, I guess. What the fuck?
Look, we're going to have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funniest. Who needs fame when you got funny?
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Chapter 4: What personal stories are shared by the guests?
MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly two of my favorite humans. We're going to have a blast. I promise you. I'm going to pre-pull a name. You guys know how this show works. Yeah. The bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here.
Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Woo! Or else they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry... Wait a second. Wait a second.
Wait a second.
It's The Undertaker!
Austin's own The Undertaker, Mark Calloway. The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done. Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful. What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight. I'm warning you right now.
I'm fucking itching to take somebody's head off.
I love it. I haven't seen you since WrestleMania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream. For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows, The Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the Bucket of Destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real actual Undertaker here.
I don't know if I'm going to fit on the bucket, but stick me in it, motherfucker. I don't know. Hey, before, I just want to say this. Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world, and you, my friend, are making it the comedy central of the world. Tony Hinchcliffe.
Don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight. Super surreal fucking moment. I think for everybody I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when you came out. There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. I love it. We shocked the world with this one.
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Chapter 5: What humorous observations are made about New Year's Eve?
They might have to rename this place the H-E-E-B Center after what... All right. There's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that? Can I just say one more thing? Absolutely.
Finally, someone with a disability on this show that can fucking enunciate.
Wow, just insulting some of the greats. Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belisle are about to officially jump you when you get off stage. They have the ability to put a... They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels.
Chapter 6: How does the audience react to the stand-up performances?
Bucket pool number five. It is that time, ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket full. Make some noise for her. It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata. Brittany Ogata. Here we go. Brittany Ogata. One more time for Brittany, everybody. I don't know what was going on out here, but I don't know how the fuck I'm going to follow that shit.
So the other day I went through my 18-year-old cell phone. I know, non-progressive mom. And I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy. And I'm over here thinking, most parents would be gross the fuck out by now, but I'm over here like, yes! He's finally sexually talking to something.
I need to get this shit dick out of my house already. But the joke was on me because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to was from a group chat that was called boys who secretly want to fuck their moms. Boy, I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks for my bedroom door that night.
Just the other day, I went to go pick him up from school, high school, and I'm sitting in the car, and he comes out, and he's got, like, one glove, just one glove on his hand. You know, one of the gloves with the tips cut off, like, how they wear, like, sticky band-aids in Home Alone. And anyway, I'm looking at him, I'm like, what the fuck is this homo doing?
And he gets in my car, and I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing? All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to save you again. We're saving people tonight.
Oh, nice.
There it is. Oh, boy. You came out guns a blazing with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that. And I knew right then and there that you were going to fucking suck. Oh, it's OK, though. I had some laughter. Yeah, it's OK. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like.
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Chapter 7: What personal stories do the comedians share about their families?
I had some laughters. Okay, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up, Brittany? This is my first time. What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay, got him back on your side. Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans. What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing stand-up comedy? Honestly, it's my husband's birthday.
He's out there. He's been watching Kill Tony.
Are you booing husband's birthday?
It's because they're not on stage right now. That's all. Whoa. Straight up attacking the comedian section. The comedian's attacking me. It's all right.
My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.
I said tips, cut off.
I know it was tips, but that was fun.
It was going to be a good joke.
Can I ask what that was? Why did he have a glove with the tips?
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Chapter 8: What is the significance of the final performances in this segment?
Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused. What were you doing to the comedians during the show? I wasn't even sitting over there. I had my own ticket. Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband? I keep saying The Undertaker. I'm not bringing up The Undertaker.
It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed. I know, right? People really want to see it, though. This is incredible. Okay. I'm going to save you. I'm going to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very... Good on you! This is the smallest joke book I could find.
There she goes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch how fast the energy in the room changes as I bring up a comedian who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold-out shows all around the world. A man of true mystery, an anomaly, if you will, in the history of Kill Tony, as one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.
a freak, a man talked about. Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of KC Rocket!
And yet I find, yet I find, there's no one left to call.
God, senior year is gonna be nuts. We're gonna run this school, man.
Marble, marble, hair. The ritual's almost complete, Tony. but one of us has to die for the other to truly be free.
Alexander wept for there were no more riffs left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up, because seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Miss Garlic, Carly Garlic, she, heir to the garlic fortune, she, old garlic money, you guys would have loved her, but
She pulled me aside and she said, Titty Boy LaCroix.
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