Andrew Hawkins

Now, looking back on it, I can see that when you're in it, you don't see it as anything is a situation to quote unquote manage. You feel like you're in a small boat in an ocean with waves bigger than your mat. You can't see over the next waves. You're just dealing with the wave that's in front of you without a long term plan. Um, it eventually led me to losing my home, being evicted.

Now, looking back on it, I can see that when you're in it, you don't see it as anything is a situation to quote unquote manage. You feel like you're in a small boat in an ocean with waves bigger than your mat. You can't see over the next waves. You're just dealing with the wave that's in front of you without a long term plan. Um, it eventually led me to losing my home, being evicted.

Um, and by the way, I, I was enjoying a very successful career in New York city before my drugs and alcohol absolutely made me unemployable, which is about a year and a half before I went homeless. Um, and I wound up, you know, squatting a building in lower Manhattan, uh, no, just casements in the windows in the, well, in the space where windows would be. Um,

Um, and by the way, I, I was enjoying a very successful career in New York city before my drugs and alcohol absolutely made me unemployable, which is about a year and a half before I went homeless. Um, and I wound up, you know, squatting a building in lower Manhattan, uh, no, just casements in the windows in the, well, in the space where windows would be. Um,

Pirating electricity from the brownstone two or three over from the one that we were squatting. And, you know, my biggest issue was stealing comet cleanser to sprinkle around the dirty pile of clothes I passed out on every night so the rats and roaches wouldn't crawl all over me. You know, I would steal purses to survive. I would roll bums in alleyways.

Pirating electricity from the brownstone two or three over from the one that we were squatting. And, you know, my biggest issue was stealing comet cleanser to sprinkle around the dirty pile of clothes I passed out on every night so the rats and roaches wouldn't crawl all over me. You know, I would steal purses to survive. I would roll bums in alleyways.

I would roll bums in alleys for bottles they had. I would roll rich guys coming out of nightclubs downtown, one in particular that was right by a very choice alley for it, because I knew that those people would have cash and credit cards, and I would just wait across the street for someone who was stumbling and push them down on the ground and take their wallet.

I would roll bums in alleys for bottles they had. I would roll rich guys coming out of nightclubs downtown, one in particular that was right by a very choice alley for it, because I knew that those people would have cash and credit cards, and I would just wait across the street for someone who was stumbling and push them down on the ground and take their wallet.

And it was, that's how I lived, day to day, and I saw nothing wrong with it, I was just trying to survive. Ultimately, realizing deep inside that I was losing this game of life, and rather than work to get out of the hole that I was in, I wanted to quit, right? And the longer I dwelled on that, quit life. The longer that I dwelled on that, the more that turned into suicidal ideation.

And it was, that's how I lived, day to day, and I saw nothing wrong with it, I was just trying to survive. Ultimately, realizing deep inside that I was losing this game of life, and rather than work to get out of the hole that I was in, I wanted to quit, right? And the longer I dwelled on that, quit life. The longer that I dwelled on that, the more that turned into suicidal ideation.

Eventually, I acted on it. I woke up one day in a in a flophouse hotel that I had gone into with a fistful of barbiturates and a couple of bottles of, you know, warm pop of vodka. And. I chugged them all and I woke up and I wasn't dead. And apparently I'd been out for a couple of days. And my intention was not to wake up. And I don't know why.

Eventually, I acted on it. I woke up one day in a in a flophouse hotel that I had gone into with a fistful of barbiturates and a couple of bottles of, you know, warm pop of vodka. And. I chugged them all and I woke up and I wasn't dead. And apparently I'd been out for a couple of days. And my intention was not to wake up. And I don't know why.

I mean, I took enough barbiturates to kill someone twice my size. I don't know why I survived that day. But I did. And I picked up the phone and I did something that I had never done my whole life that everybody had told me. was sort of the key to growing as a human being. And that was to look someone in the eye and say, I don't know how to do that. Can you show me?

I mean, I took enough barbiturates to kill someone twice my size. I don't know why I survived that day. But I did. And I picked up the phone and I did something that I had never done my whole life that everybody had told me. was sort of the key to growing as a human being. And that was to look someone in the eye and say, I don't know how to do that. Can you show me?

Because you couldn't tell me anything about me. I knew more than you. Everything was self, self, self, self, self. I was better. And not only did I reject your opinions and your advice and any wisdom, and I was a terrible listener, but I... I also blamed you for all the problems that I had. You got the pretty girl. You got the better grades. You stole the attention of this group of friends.

Because you couldn't tell me anything about me. I knew more than you. Everything was self, self, self, self, self. I was better. And not only did I reject your opinions and your advice and any wisdom, and I was a terrible listener, but I... I also blamed you for all the problems that I had. You got the pretty girl. You got the better grades. You stole the attention of this group of friends.

Whatever it was, other people were the problem. It was always me not getting things at the party as opposed to what I was bringing to

Whatever it was, other people were the problem. It was always me not getting things at the party as opposed to what I was bringing to

So that's what I'm asking you. How no one noticed. Because there was no direction. I had a sick mother who was basically invalided by a surgery in a hospital gone wrong. And a father who was living in an apartment downtown far away. I've learned today that my father, who's my hero, ultimate hero in life. uh, was, was also the person who abandoned me into that situation with my mother.

So that's what I'm asking you. How no one noticed. Because there was no direction. I had a sick mother who was basically invalided by a surgery in a hospital gone wrong. And a father who was living in an apartment downtown far away. I've learned today that my father, who's my hero, ultimate hero in life. uh, was, was also the person who abandoned me into that situation with my mother.