Andrew Santino
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Hello, Los Angeles! We are paper airplane!
Give me that baby oil. Put it on my body. Alright. Good one. Next one. You know what I like.
Put some diddy oil on them. Get it nice and slippery. Yeah. So good. Finish it, take it home. Yeah. Wow.
Bobby, where are you from?
Does anybody know some dwarves here? Does anybody know some dwarves in the room?
Oh, so gut. Swimming through the ocean. How do dwarves touch themselves?
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.
Be gentle with those balls. Put one in your mouth. Put the second one in your mouth. And take that index finger and stick it in my...
I'm aided up. I got so much AIDS. I found this podcast going Hamas, AIDS.
Ja, mach das noch einmal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know how it works. You little fucking Italian bastard. Bulgy eyes, big teeth. Just like a cartoon character from Disney. Das ist lustig, oder? Nein. Willst du es probieren? Oh mein Gott. Du musst es näher machen. Du musst es näher machen. Du musst es näher machen.
Okay. Hey, what's up? Yeah. Back to the show. That's awesome. Yeah, it's so good.
Yeah. Welcome back to our show, idiot guest.
No. Do we produce TV shows? After Endgame.
South by Southwest. Mike farts.
That's why the ghost of girlfriends past.
Jacob, it's because of your gas your girlfriends are gone.
I'm not going to answer that. I'm not going to answer that. Look to the board. It says yes.
It was accidental. Welcome back to the game show. It's called Look at the Board. Yeah. Broad, look at the board. Look at the board, Broad.
Lisa wins a brand new car. All right.
Yeah, yeah. Listen up, Toot Tootie.
You really want to double or nothing my P-Stack?
P-Stack. Here we go. Hands on the buzzer. Hand behind the back.
Well, that's it for us tonight at Look at the Board. We want to thank Lisa Gere for being a part of here and Lou Tagani. In fact, in fact. Uh-oh. Oh!
Could I do it in this voice?
They made a movie, guys. Tabi tabi po. Tabi tabi po. Go back to the list. Go back to the list. There's one more.
I don't know. Mythical things.
That's interesting.
Yeah. Well, let the flavor sink in. Let the flavor sink in.
Could I put carpaccio on there too and just eat it afterwards?
Do you think Paul Hollywood just goes eat and then says it? He does this. No, sometimes he does this.
Well, that was in the movie Drugstore Cowboy. Drugstore June? No, Drugstore. You ever see Drugstore Cowboy?
Gus Van Sant directed it with Matt Dillon. And there was a scene, they steal drugs from pharmacies. It's just like Drugstore June. Yeah. And Matt Dillon, I think Heather Graham sticks a fucking hat on the bed. And then Matt Dillon goes all apeshit because now they're going to have like six weeks of bad luck.
Yeah. And I went to Buckwild last night.
Because the club that I played, they knew the manager. I bet they did. And a Samoan guy showed up, and he drove me like 45 minutes outside of the city, and I went to Buckwild, and I drove 45 minutes back really quickly after that. How long were you there? Five hours.
Ho hum, down in the bayou, we got legs that are tired, lights that flicker in the night. Ho hum, my old black legs are skimming through the sand with my weepy eyes and my sour soul, and I'm coming around.
I'm going to go in a couple months. I'm going to Hawaii Theater. I'm going to do a show there. You're doing a stand-up show? Yeah. Wow. Come out. It'll be fun. No, thank you. Why? You know what's so funny? I drive to your fucking shows and do guest spots. Yeah, because they're great. I don't think you would ever go to a different city for me.
Who's here? What's that? You know who it is. Crazy.
In titty milk? Dude, a lady last night, a 68-year-old lady pulled out her titty in my show.
Corporate comedy is coming.
You ever see America's Got Talent?
Do you like that show? You like that show?
Yeah, I know. Me too.
Whoa. Please, sit down. Please sit down, Howie. Guys, Howie Mandel. Howie Mandel is here, everybody, ladies and gentlemen. Howie Mandel. Yay.
Yeah. She's the best. Are those Rick Owens? What are you wearing there? What are you talking about? Your shoes. Skechers. These are Snoop Dogg's Skechers. Oh, really nice. I have a Skechers. I'm an ambassador for Skechers. Why are you laughing at that?
Let me think. Not or not. Sketchers. Sketchers. These are actually, these are called sketchers and they're slip-ins because you don't even need, the laces are nothing. You slip in, you slip out.
Howie Mandel is here.
No, I didn't bring my daughter. Who did you bring, Alex? Your wife. Alex, who did you bring? Your girlfriend? She's his friend. Are you seeing her? No. Hmm.
and I go I thought the joke I said was what comes out of their cottage shoes and it got nothing and then my second show that's in Houston I hear a thump like a big thump and I looked to my right and there's a 600 pound man I'm not kidding you laying on the floor, face first on the floor like this. Going, home. Home. This comedy sucks. I'm taking a nap.
Alex, are you married? No. Is she married? I live vicariously through my son on Instagram. Oh, you do? Yeah. He's got a model rescue service. I've talked about this before. I mean, what do you have to do? He's really nice. What he does is he takes in like wounded models and nurses them back to health. Yeah. And once he feels that they're able to talk about commitment, he kind of just...
Yeah, yeah. Sends them back. Andrew, Andrew, Howie Mendel Mastery must be such an ordeal.
I mean, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, I use a glory hole on myself. Wow. I have to reach around the wall. Wow. I don't want to get any. Do you still, old man, do you still master me? This is like a bad episode of Kung Fu. Old man, do you still masturbate? Old man. Howie, do you still or no? That's why I got my legs crossed right now. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do.
Wow, that's incredible. I do. Son, I still masturbate. Are you glad you showed up with me? Yeah.
Yeah, I watch videos of people washing their hands. Very good, very good. Did it bother you that I brought a whistle? Yeah, no. I like the whistle. I love the whistle. The whistle's my new thing. I'm going to make that my thing. Because there's so many people out there.
What are you concerned about?
It's hard for a man to... It's a whistle.
You blow it. You blow... Yeah, yeah. Now do you understand? No.
What do you mean? Why do you look like you're in pain? I don't know. Are you in pain? You're really enjoying me.
Really? I know you live with her. I met her at your house. But the thing is that you have a very pained look on your face like there's a problem.
Well, it isn't normal. I'm telling you it's not normal. Julia, is there like a Filipinos got talent? No, but we have a lot of Filipinos on the show who have talent. I know. The guy that can sing with two voices. That guy's the best. Wait, what's his first name? Marcelo. Marcelo. Do you know who he is? Oh, yeah, I love him.
No, he does. No, no, no. Dude, he is the most talented singer you've ever heard in your life.
But there's two voices. He does a duet with himself. He will fuck you up, this guy. Yeah. The greatest singer. Kills Freddie Mercury, kills anybody. Wow. What do you mean wow? I'm telling you right now, the Philippines rule. That's a bold claim. Play some. All right, there we go. Just do the first one. See how Zanz are on the table? This is how he jerks off. Oh, wow.
He sings to himself like a pretty girl.
That's the same guy. These are your people.
It's good. What? Oh, you're not impressed? I think Andrew can do it. You could do it? Try it, Andrew. From where you're from, they have leprechauns jumping up and down like a fucking rainbow, and you think that's not good? It's not good. Are you kidding me? Can you do better? Yeah. Do it then.
Here we go. We're all going to sing it.
Are you doing the female part? Give me the lyrics, dude.
I got it. I'm tone.
Here we go. Zoom in real good. All right. What the fuck? Right? Yeah.
No, no. Gotta do the girl. Small, too small. That is the girl. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? You're not even in tune. Oh. You're not even in tune, dude. You're perceptive. You're playing the Russian boxer. Yeah. I didn't realize. Women can't sound that way? Oh, I know. Oh, dude, yeah, you're right. He can.
See what you did. Way to put yourself in the corner. The worst singer here is you. Can you sing? Sing one of them. Sing one line.
Yeah, yeah, here we go. Here we go.
Not bad. Horrible. It's not bad. It's not bad. I'm a professional talent judge. That sucks.
Whenever I'm watching that show, what gives you the right to go, oh, that's a good sing?
you're a comedian I say I like it maybe it's not everybody's taste I like it I just heard her I don't like it I don't like it I'm telling you I don't like it the other judges two people in the room you guys like it and I'm being honest with you and this is not television and it's not network you sing like shit oh my god don't cry Jules don't cry no I know
You sing like shit. I'm being honest with you. And I don't want you, because I care about you, I don't want you to think you're good and then go out into the world and be disappointed. And I feel like I'm doing a service.
Yeah, but he's moving out in the next couple of weeks. We are so excited.
But you're a great father. You've been a great father. I have been a great father. And I know a little bit about you. We've been friends for a while. Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. You're a great guy. I'm a wonderful person.
You're such a nice guy. No, can we just keep this going? Yeah. I'm a wonderful- You really are. And how fucking lucky are you guys and you to have me on this episode? Huge. This is- Huge. Wait, wait, wait. Huge.
Yeah. So this guy is laying on his, like, he's, I think he's dead. So there's two choices, right? Yeah.
It's about the soul. Well, it's like, you know, guy, check this out. There's some arthouse movies that no one watches, but- You know what I mean? This is an arthouse episode. Yeah, yeah. You know, like the new movie Companion. No one saw it, but people love it. People love it. Like the critics. So that's good. We're going to lose money on the YouTube. It's not about making money.
It's about doing quality stuff. And this is quality. This is what it feels like. You've done a bunch of these episodes of this one. How do you feel about this one versus some of the other episodes that you've been a part of? You're completely honest.
And then what you're trying to say is you were ready for Simon Cowell. And then when I showed up, you went, fuck, this is like a surprise. They went, they lowballed me. Waco, Simon, Heidi. Who's on the show? Heidi's not on it anymore. Yeah, but still Heidi still. Before you. Mel B. Mel B. And then Sofia Vergara.
Oh, my God, and you're still there. You're still there. You know who I replaced? You're the Kenan Thompson of APB.
Pretend it's not happening. Right, yeah. Just keep going. Right. Because it was off to my right, so I see staff, the managers trying to revive them.
Those aren't judges. That's our executive producer. Regis was the first host. He was? He was the first host. Then he was followed by Jerry Springer, became the host. Who's Jason Raff? He was executive producer. And then Nick Cannon became the host. I think the big black guy. Harry Cruz. Yeah, I like him. He's my favorite. He likes to be called what you just called him. Is he not a big black guy?
He is. Okay, good. But he likes his name. And if I was on that little fat I don't know him guy. From White Chicks? No. I've never met him. He was in White Chicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who's on still now? You. Me. Simon. Simon. Cardi B. That's Mel B. You can't mix Mel and Cardi up.
And? No, that's it.
Terry Crews is the host. Terry's always been the host.
Nick was the host. And then it was Tyra Banks.
What is that? What does that mean? Enough of that, you know. It's amazing what you're able to do.
If people just tuned in now and didn't know they were watching this, if they're watching on YouTube, that's uncanny. Because I sit with them daily. There we go. Look at it. Do that and then look at that. Put it side by side. I know. I got it. Yeah, yeah. We know how old you are, dude. I'm old. Yeah, but you look good. And you've had no face work. I have no face work. Exactly.
Because we like natural beings. Yeah. Right? Believe it or not, no face work. I had testicular liposuction. You know? I had testicular liposuction. Yeah. Really? You got them sucked? I try. I try. I want to. I'm old. I'm going to be 70 this year.
That's incredible.
And they go, we don't know, man. It's packed. Sold out. And it's now people are just rumbling. Oh, there's rumbling. Yeah, now people are rumbling, right? And I'm going off to the side looking to see, you going to be okay, man? He's 600 pounds, right?
Alex, I want to say about your dad, though.
But he's also fashionable.
Why do you dress all Midwest?
Look at my son and I know he's off camera, but if you look at him, he's dressed exactly like my wife. Keep it in the family. Yeah, that's what he does. Howie. Yes. So if, I've never seen you buzz somebody like it's not good. There's an X buzz. No, I do it a lot. Really? Yeah, probably more than anybody. Like if I went up there. You don't watch the show. Like if I went up there.
You really watch the show. Like if I went up there and like no music and I was just like. Buzz? You know who you just did? No, I won't buzz because there's a... Find this. Urien Retriever. Very good. Urien Retriever. It's why you are... That was embarrassing. Urien Retriever. Dancing. Okay. Maybe she does it. This is what you just reminded me of. Did she make it? No, but it's so fucking funny.
This is what you just looked like when she was dancing. Go to the dancing. Go to the dancing. Tell me this is not Bobby Lee dancing.
That's exactly what you just did. That's what I just did. That was... I believe. Dude, that's... Yeah. Oh. Oh, Simon. Oh, really? I'd bust your face, Simon. I know. We're dancing. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Isn't that you? It's incredible. So why don't you come on and do it? You can make a... And at that season, Julianne Hough was there, who is a dance expert, and put her through.
Oh, is that the big black guy I like?
Golden Retriever is an animal.
Oh, no, she looks very different. There she is. But you're looking at shots of her not dancing. When she dances. I like to dance. I think she's cute. Take it away. You should have her on the show. Yeah. She lives here.
I think you're thinking of Grace VanderWaal. Yeah, that one. Yeah, Grace. Yeah, yeah. Grace VanderWaal. She's so good. You want to talk to Urien? Howie, what are you going to do for your 70th birthday? I was kidding, Howie. Don't call her. I'm going to call her. Oh, Howie. You're single. Howie. What? Here she is. Howie, don't call her, dude. I'm going to call her. Oh, my God.
oh right right and then um they got a forklift in the and then um you hear him breathing outside you know how hard it is to restart the room oh yeah bro dude i had a guy had had like had a stroke in nashville in the balcony at zany's no i was like am i gonna do this show now in the middle of your act yeah and you stopped
I'll tell her to go on. She's on FaceTime?
I'll see if it won't go on. I'm going to do an accent, though, for sure. 1-800-Flowers.com Hey.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, stop that. You stop that. Watch. I'm just practicing. Let me leave a message. No?
I didn't have, because other people didn't get it. I get it. Because of fucking Simon.
He doesn't understand dance like I do.
You should have her on.
Okay, dude. Why are you making fun of somebody that looks exactly like you? Yeah, that's why I can do it, right?
If it is you, you can do it.
If they look like you and it's not you, you can't do it. What are you saying?
It's gonna be a surprise. Are we invited to your party? I'm not telling anybody. No, I'm gonna plan it, but I'm not gonna tell anyone. I'm going to park way down the street and then I'm going to hide behind my door and wait for nothing. I don't want to celebrate. All kidding aside, I'm not celebrating. Do a party. You're not going to celebrate your 70th birthday?
I don't like birthdays anymore. Why not?
23. These people go fast. They go fast. I was more than a decade older than you when you were born. Yeah. You know, the thing about me, look at me. You look young. Yeah, you do. I'm going to die soon. No, you're not. I am. You're going to be like that one guy. Who's the one guy that didn't die soon? He's 99. What's his name?
Dick Van Dyke! But even that. You're going to be like that. 29 years. 29 years, which is even older than. So I've only got another 29. You've got a long time.
How many more appearances on this podcast do you think I've got left in me in the rest of my life?
Yeah, ask how much longer will Howie Mandel live? And then three years from now, you're going to be still doing that show and the androids are going to be... Are you going to wait to air this to the day before this says? And then that way... We usually hold this stuff out.
Wouldn't that be great for you?
Think about how great...
So then this morning, I get a direct message from some guy. I want to let you know, dude, that guy died last night.
No, what is that? The Blue Zones, I know what it is. It's the areas in the world where people live the longest.
What happened? Godzilla.
Yeah. Yeah. They don't live long, but they complain about everything. Yeah. But, Howie, I want to say something. Don't. I do. No, I really don't. I really do.
I think so. May I?
You didn't brush your teeth for this fucking thing? I just want to say that I'm just a- You didn't even brush your teeth? How big a fan could you be if you got- You're just like, you don't even- You wouldn't even take care of yourself?
Are you sending me to bed now?
Yeah, what time do you, at night? I feel like you don't get good sleep. I don't.
Yeah. Because I don't. You think too much. I can't sleep. You think too much. I don't know what's going on. I know what it is. You've told me. I'm a mess. You're a mess. I'm a mental health mess. Can I tell you what it is? Yeah. Fuck. What it is is this. It's you keep going. You can't sit down because when you sit down, you start thinking and then you get all fucked up. I get fucked up.
You keep going and you have to constantly work, work, work, work, work. You need a fucking therapist. I know. And you didn't make me happy thinking I'm going to live for a long time. It's too tiring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you need help. I do. Do you think or no? Alex, do you think? I get help. As I sit here, I'm incredibly medicated. Okay. Yes. What are you on?
I don't tell my, but I am on medication.
Howie, back in the day, at the Comedy Store days, because him and I still go to the store a lot. Yeah, I go sometimes. You see me there.
Let me throw some names out. Okay. Dice. How was Dice? He was nice to me. And he came on my podcast and talked about how he took some of my material. He stole from you. Roses are red. Violets are blue. You are schizophrenic. I am schizophrenic and so am I. It was mine. Wow. And then he did it. But he says that. I love him now. Have you been watching him lately? Who else stole that?
Have you been watching him? Yeah, he's great. Yeah. No, but on his Instagram where he goes up to people and he says, take a picture with me. Yeah. And they don't know who the fuck. He's hysterical. He's hysterical. And now he's got John Lovitz with him where he...
Can you sue? No. You know, I tried to make suits. Originally, one of my. Look, they made a fucking meme. Oh, my God. I remember that so vividly. They stole that from you. He heard me do it, and then he did it. Now, to put it in a movie. He came on. Well, this I don't know. I didn't know it was in a movie.
You're evil, Carlos. Right, so I get it. Then I start calling the management.
I feel so bad. I feel bad. He told me to go fuck myself, and people want to beat me up for it. Why would you go to the king and trap him? You want me to be honest? What are you trying to do, dude? I tried to do something nice. I thought I was doing something nice. Don't you think it's nice to bring family together?
It's a surprise. That was a whistle.
Billy Corgan came on my show and told the story that he'd never told before. It wasn't even a bit that I planned. The plan was, Billy Corgan was going to do my podcast. And I said, you know, this will be funny. I'm going to just say that Bill Burr is doing the podcast and will never cop to the fact that you're Billy Corgan. And we'll talk. You'll answer questions as Bill Burr.
He goes, nah, I don't want to do that. But do you know my Bill Burr story? And I said, no, I don't know your Bill Burr story. He said, I never told it before. Can I tell it on your show? I go, go ahead. Tell me your Bill Burr story. So he told me that his mother or stepmother told him that there's a famous comedian who has a really good chance of being your brother. You heard the story.
I'm not going to repeat it. But maybe the audience hasn't. Do you want me to tell it again? It's Billy Corrigan's story. Billy Corrigan said that his father was a flanderer, a musician who had fun. He did meet and greets. And he, like me, didn't shake hands. He just put his penis in me. But it doesn't make any sense because Bill Burr and Billy Corrigan both knew their dads, right? I don't know.
Individually, do they know their dads? They know who they think their dad is, yes. Oh, they never physically saw their dad then? No, they physically, just because a guy lives in your house with your mother doesn't make him your dad. Very nice, very good. I never thought, yeah. Let's see somebody steal that. But is Bill mad? Is Bill still mad? Not Corrigan Burr. Yeah, Burr's mad.
I know. He's not mad?
He internalizes it. I think he's mad. He talked about me on the Rich Eisen Show.
Dude, I'm off today. I'm off. What the fuck are you doing? Is he ironic or what? Oh, very good. Because he's really not that. Yeah, he's always bad. Are you going to cut out the part where you told us that we didn't react properly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so good. You edit that out and then you just get the line.
So then Bill Burr was on my show just to promote his upcoming Hulu special and the fact that he was going to be on Broadway and all that. Gay.
so then what so anyway what i was uh so i said i called up billy who does work in my space because he said he was going to anyway i called and i said uh billy corgan works in your space yeah what is he doing there a podcast
What's OMG mean? Oh my God. I was oh my God-ing. And then it took me a while to get up and then the manager goes, no, he went and got a pizza.
It's called The Magnificent Others. Is that what it's called? Is it going well? I don't know.
My favorite album of all time, Gish. The Gish. You remember Gish? Oh, yeah. The very first one. Smashing Pumpkins.
Can you ask him if I want to do it? Okay. I'm sure he'd love to have you. I would love to do it. I'm sure he'd love to. You want me to phone him now? I'd be so nervous to meet him.
I'm a huge fan. Yeah. You know, it's like... I phoned... I can't believe... Anyway, the point is, he was in my building.
Yeah, we get it. But anyway- I know, you went to Vegas.
No, there was a pizza place. I guess the medics came, he stood up and went straight to the pizza place. No, I'm not kidding. Could smell the cheese. Yeah, so I'm like, oh, so you just went to the pizza? He goes, yeah, yeah, the pizza with plates that you went to earlier. Oh, it's good pizza, right? Thanks for fucking up my show. I hate when I was in Phoenix, the sirens went off.
You know what's funny about that? Fucking disgusting. I know that. I might not back me up. I asked you to be on the podcast this week, and you could have said, no, I got things to do. But you were very specific about telling me I'm going to Vegas to see the dead. I said I'm going. That's what he does.
I saw him three times. Yeah, yeah, three times. Had lunch? Meals? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Nothing. Did you get in for free? Did you get in for free?
No, I pay. Are you out of your fucking mind, Howie?
This guy is the Celtics in front row. With Shaquille and Humphries and all those guys.
I know you're a good seed if you're sitting in Tracy Morgan's puke. Yeah. So my point is, is that he went, had a jolly time. Had a great time. Yeah.
He's jealous. Who's the most famous person you know? Everybody.
How come the guy doesn't come? Oh, there he is around the corner again.
No. You know how I got the deal, really? I think I've told this story before, but I'm going to tell you. I don't want to hear it. Okay.
Yeah. I'm sorry, Howie. I went to Skechers because I like, I'm not plugging. This is the absolute truth. I like the slip-ins because I don't like to touch laces. I don't want to touch the fucking shoes. So when I'm not doing a show, I go there and I bought the slip-ins. I walk up to the counter. This is in Marina del Rey. You could check all these. These are facts. I walk up to the counter.
The girl at the cash register says, are you Howie Mandel? I said, yes. She goes, oh, you're obviously an ambassador. You get 30% off. I went, obviously. Wow. My wife was standing behind me. She kicked me. She goes, you don't fucking bullshit for 30 bucks whenever I was getting off.
But then she goes, so she gives me, I pay for the shoes, she gives me 30% off, and then she says, I can't find your name in the computer. That's what I said. I went, oh my God, I don't know what the fuck is wrong.
They give it to you anyway, right? What? She goes, I'll give it to you anyway. There we go. Here's what you gotta do. You gotta take the shoes, hold them up. I'm gonna take a picture of you and send it to the head office. My wife is kicking me, you fucking idiot. You're so embarrassing. And then they take a picture of me, they send it. So wait a minute, 30% off?
You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean.
It's a riveting story and I'm finished. There's an ending to this riveting story.
Sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Okay, so take the photo. You can edit it out. With this. And then what happens? Two weeks later, I get a call from my agent that said, Skechers called. And I go, for $30 fucking dollars, they're calling. They found me. They tracked me down. And they said they want me to be an ambassador. And they made me do a commercial telling this story that I told. Wow. See?
It's not a great story. It is. I love it. I love it. It feels so good. What? I love you so much. He interrupted you with the fucking photo and then it fucked up the fucking rhythm of the story. No rhythm. Look at his shirt.
Who did you go with? Oh, let me guess. Jason Bateman, Ryan Reynolds. Who knows, Howie? That's where he's in line with. Who did you go with? I went with Armie Hammer. You know, I just had him on. Did you? Yeah.
What's up? That was improvised.
thanks man yeah my rhythm's off i was trying to sketch or zing my rhythm this is not live guys you could re-edit this in post it up all the time no post my rhythm's off was that irony again just for my thank you thank you you got it so last week i had army hammer on and my daughter who i do i have my daughter i like your daughter she's sweet i think she's hot she wouldn't do the show fuck are you doing she wouldn't do the show yeah
Say your daughter again. I'll start it over. My daughter, who I do my... She's ugly.
That doesn't sit right. I hear it when she talks. Rawr! That doesn't sit right with me. See? Look at that piece of shit. No. What do you want then, guy? Say nothing. All right, say it again. My daughter, who I do my podcast with. Yeah, yeah. Better? Go on. I don't have it. The timing was ruined. No, no, but your daughter? She wouldn't sit in the room. With Armie? Yeah. Right.
Oh, she's one of those. Oh.
What? Yeah, bitten. He's Spanish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If he wasn't, it was like a speech impediment.
I also think he has podcasting chops.
He has pork chops.
I would imagine that if people, you know, some people don't watch a whole podcast. So if you tune into that episode halfway through and you don't see my daughter, you're going to assume he ate her. Right. Right. That's what we'll show clips without her there with no explanation. And people will go. I want him to hear the show and be like, why would he talk about me like that?
That's exactly it. I was on the movie with Johnny Depp where he plays the Indian. Perfect.
That's a Lone Ranger. Chancho.
Chancho? Chancho. I'm off.
Yeah, I have a sleep impediment. It's Chancho and the Lone Ranger. Chancho is when the Lone Ranger had a Chinese sidekick. You know, fuck you, man, making fun of the Chinese. I don't know what I'm doing. You said Chancho. Oh, you're right. I love you so much. I put the C-H for the Chinese.
You know what Johnny Depp looks like? Go back to the Tonto one. Argus Hamilton in the 70s. Can you imagine that guy walking into his bedroom? It was a cocaine joke. It was a cocaine. Oh, I'm laughing. Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing. Can you imagine him walking into his room looking like that and saying to his ex, you made a poo-poo. Yeah, yeah. You know what that is, right? No. His ex-wife.
Look at that photo. What's that Argus Hamilton joke?
That was Argus. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. His ex-wife, Johnny Depp's ex-wife made a poo-poo in the bed. Have you ever done that to a boyfriend's bed?
Do you remember when I... You've seen my poo. You pooed yourself in the car? Yeah. Howie. You know, it's Uber, not pooper. He's seen my poo. He's seen your poo. Yeah, yeah.
With that accent, it sounds like senior pool. I imagine that was a sitcom. Senior pool. It's always like a bad line reading. We'd have to get that over with. Who has it? Do another one.
That's exactly what it is.
Tommy Wiseau. Yeah, Wiseau. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's seen my poo. I've seen it. He's seen my poo. Who hasn't? It's a good reading.
Who hasn't seen your poo? Yeah.
Well, talk about missing. That's true. That's literally true.
Is that you and Bobby in Cancun, that picture right there?
Is that your poop on the wall?
He was the man from Uncle also. Oh, yeah.
The Winklevoss twins. Call me by your name. Timothy Chalamet. He made that movie too.
I love Timothy Chalamet.
What the fuck does that have to do with anything we're talking about?
Okay. You never shit your pants, Howie? Yes. Yeah, there's no way. But she's saying it like it's always in the car. Yeah, I'm 70 years old. I've done it many, many times. I can do it on command.
Good question. Very good question. Are you serious? Yeah.
Yeah, I got a tight ass.
It's a gaping hole. It's like being on 60 Minutes. What are you doing? What are you eating? What are you doing there? Donut. What is he doing to it?
But what are you doing to it before you eat it? He chops it up. He chops it up. You chop up a donut? Yeah, yeah. Try the other one. Who eats a donut with a fork? I've never seen that. People who are friends with John Mayer. But I've never seen somebody eat it with a fork.
Why touch it? So, Andrew, can you teach me how to do this?
So I did a movie with Billy Armstrong from Green Day. And we're talking, you know, we're going to get makeup together, right?
Like hint. If you held up fingers. Like if you just, when you're talking to him, you just go, you just keep talking. Hey, Billy, I love the stuff you do. Really? And he'll go, what's with those numbers? And you go, what? Those numbers aren't yours? And he goes, no, my number is. And then you get it. No. Really? Let me try that. That's how I would do it. All right. Hey, Billy, man.
I love your music. Good? Thank you. No, check it out. If I'm saying something wrong, stick your finger up. You got it. Right? Hey. Hey.
No? Yeah, what's up? You never say that. I know. I'm not being myself. Are you sitting beside him in the makeup chair?
What's the movie? What were you doing? Shit, dog. What's up, bro? Oakland. No.
Okay. hey man, thanks for putting me in your movie. Oh, you were in his movie? Yeah, dude. What movie was it? He wrote a movie. When? Some of these are first.
But he called you. You don't have call. He went to my agent. Oh. And then the agent goes, yeah, Billy wants you in the movie. So I said, yes. So I show up. So I'm like, what's up, Bill? Thanks for putting me in your movie, man. You're welcome. Okay, cool. Anyway, I haven't seen you in like 20 years, dude. You and your wife were so nice to me back in the day when we used to hang out.
That's how you do it. Yeah. That worked. It worked, didn't it?
I'm going to need you guys back on set. Yeah, yeah. How'd you get John Myers? His phone number? Yeah, I know how. Are you good friends with John Myers? What was that? Yeah, gay guy. Did you just go on AGT right there?
How was your experience here, Howie? Did you have fun? That's a goodbye, isn't it? What's that? Do you have time this week to come do mine? I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Fucking liar. Howie, Howie. He's never coming back. Let me be your agent here. He's never coming back. Where are you going tomorrow morning? Miami. He is. A golf thing. With John Mayer.
And I'm busy too. We come on.
You're not getting rid of whiskey?
So why won't you do mine? I'm going to do one too, then. I will do my Star Trek one. Andrew, you didn't say that. You're more than welcome.
Fuck, do everything you want. But Andrew.
You said, I will in July when I'm back from the tour. What is that? I said, you want to do the tour? You said, I will soon. Then I said, okay, give me a month or times. And you go, I will in July when I'm back from tour. And then I read, are you ready for a podcast? Hey, brother, I shall in a bit. We're playing catch-up on our two shows, but I will. It's true. I will.
And then I come here and say, so, you ready? You go, I don't do podcasts. Yeah, sometimes he has to be direct after a lot of my kids.
I just got a DM. It says, I don't do podcasts. I don't do podcasts. So anyway, I got to tell you, all kidding aside. I love you. I love you. I love you. I think you're really funny. We love you. I watch everything you do. You're also really, both of you are really good actors. No, no, no, no. He's better. He's a better actor.
You got to potty train yourself, young lady, and then you'll be somebody I'll appreciate.
Okay? No, I'm serious. You got to stop pooping.
Yeah, but there should be no time. Is it weird that Howie Mandel's sitting next to you or no?
Okay. She's used to it. You're used to it, right? Because my assistant, my assistant Melanie, the first time you called her, she called me freaking the fuck out. She goes, what the fuck? Howie Mandel just called me. I go, he's a piece of shit. And do you remember when I came and did your show and she sat right beside me? Yeah. And you said, do you know who he is? Yeah. And what did she say? No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I spent the next 20 minutes explaining deal or no deal to you. That's what I remember. I remember that. And at the end of it, she was like, no deal. Howie, can you look in the camera and go, thank you for being a bad friend? Thank you for being a bad friend.
Oh, I love this game. Yeah. I love the tone coffee game.
Oh, hum. Where your porridge is cold but your anus is numb.
No, I've seen her face before. You know her? No, in my TikToks, my algorithm shows her sometimes. Really? Yeah. I love her. Yeah, I love her.
Hot, yeah. But the one on the right. The one on the left. Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, do the accent.
Right, so if you got a little pin, you would start pulling it out?
Yeah. Like back in the day, they used to use like some whale extract from like a- Whale blubber. To make cologne or perfume for women. Oh, right, right. You know what I mean? Just different ways. Makeup was what back in the day?
Yeah, berries. No blood, no? In Transylvania, there's blood. I'm kidding. I don't know. How is my rude? See, that's why I set it up. It's good. I'm a bit slow today.
Jump like 10 times or what?
Is the cork up there? You need to cork a wine bottle?
But you jump up and down for what reason?
Yeah. Koreans believe, and this used to work, when you had a Charlie horse, right?
It's easier to say Charlie Horse. Thank you, Kyung-yook-kyung-yong.
But you do this, my grandma would go, I don't know how to speak Korean, but she goes, lick your finger, tap your nose three times. That would get rid of a charley horse? It really did. No way. Yeah, when you have a charley horse, anyone listening, right? Do that, it gets rid of it completely. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My dad said, you know, if you watch TV too close, grandpa gonna die. Stuff like that. You know what I mean? Grandpa died already.
Yeah, that's one. That's a wives' tale.
That's a wives' tale, yeah. Do the Philippines have wives' tales?
Wow. Never heard that before.
What does sweeping at night do?
Let her guess. That's a fun. Sweeping at night. What is that?
But anyway, thanks for the donut. Have you had one of these? I have. No, you haven't. Let me see. No, you haven't. I didn't eat it today. Get a pistachio, dude. Man. I'm going to prove a point here.
Okay, well, yeah. Itchy palms.
Two more. Biting your tongue.
Give me an example. Give me an example. Give me an example. I told you this before. It's Halloween. We're trick-or-treating. You know what I mean? I'm dressed up as like a fat minion.
And you're at what?
Okay, we're in the forest. We're lost.
Where does this tabby tabby...
Tabi tabi po. Tabi tabi po. Tabi tabi po. But if we don't, what happens?
This studio, you guys. Okay. Yeah, you first. Okay.
I don't know. See, you know, and who knows if we could get a hold of anybody. You know how they have cell phones crash when all that stuff goes down? Like 9-11, no one could call anybody and the phones are down and all that.
100%, yeah. Right away. Are you okay? You good? No, I would text you, are you going to sell your house? Yeah, yeah. You going to keep your house?
Let's meet somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Let's do heroin in Missouri.
You know what I mean? If that's the end, that's the end.
I want to go out like a foe. Dude, I had to do my will today this morning. I had to do like my living will. I've done that.
And when you have to decide like, he literally was like step by step. He's like, if you're, if you are in a tragic accident and your brain is incapacitated, right? Like your brain, your brain dead, essentially. How long do you want to be alive?
I had to do it today. How long do you think I said? I'm brain dead, but I'm in a vegetative state. But there's hope that I might come back. You know what I mean? But they ask you how long. A month. Interesting. What do you guys think? Zero minutes. Jeremy, what about you? One week. One week. George is actually right. You know why I did a week? So family could come say goodbye to you.
Just one week. I said one week they can come say goodbye. Because I don't want to put the burden of me being in a vegetative state on other people.
I know. I said one week for the family to come say goodbye. And then after that, it says drug-induced disability.
Well, that was the next question. After all that stuff was like, who gets your funds and all this bullshit?
Well, first of all, my wife gets all of it. And then in the. All. Yeah. In the event that she's not around.
Okay. She's out. Let's say both of us died tragically together. Yeah. It goes to my parents. And let's say if my parents aren't alive, then it goes to my sister. And if my sister's not alive, it goes to my dog. And if my dog, no, my dog's not alive.
And if you haven't eaten my dog by this point, no. No, no, no. It goes to then my sister. And then after that, it goes to three or four different charities, one of which being Children's Hospital.
they don't need the money yes they do kids having cancer is the worst thing in the fucking there is literally no greater crime the universe commits than giving children cancer interesting you wouldn't need my money interesting interesting you would never give me any of your money when you're dead you're in my fucking will you don't get a lot but you're in it well then I'll change it am I really yeah how much do I get everyone's in it well tell me how much I get
Fuck you. 20 fucking grand for all I've done for you?
The privileges of the very privilege are no longer exclusive. With Robin Hood Gold, your annual IRA contributions are boosted by 3%. Plus, you also get 4% APY on your cash in non-retirement accounts. That's over eight times the national savings average.
The new gold standard is here with Robinhood Gold. To receive your 3% boost on annual IRA contributions, sign up at Robinhood.com slash gold.
Go to Robinhood.com slash boost over eight times the national average savings account interest rate claim is based on data from the FDIC as of November 18th, 2024. Robinhood Financial LLC member SIPC gold membership is offered by Robinhood Gold LLC. Talkspace.
Well, you know what? Therapy can be costly. I'll say that. And Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers and most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Bob and I are big into therapy at all sorts of levels, right?
Well, the best part is you can get yourself help from the comfort of your own home, which we think is a big deal because these days we're very busy. We're on the go. We're on the move. You might have kids. You might have something going on. And why not try Talkspace? Because Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable.
To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash badfriends and enter promo code SPACE80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash badfriends. Promo code SPACE80. Rocket money.
I'm happy right now. You know why? I get it. Because I canceled a bunch of unwanted subscriptions. Exactly. Thanks to Rocket Money because I had a whole bunch of money going out there.
I'll tell you, I had to, I got a good feel. I got a good cry this morning. Big time. Whenever I want a real good cry. What do you see? I watched that Ian Wright video with- With the teacher. With Mr. Pigden.
Thousands of thousands. With Rocket Money, you can easily create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track. See your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money is going.
That's right. Rocket Money will even try to negotiate to lower your bills for you. You don't got to do it, okay? They automatically scan your bills to find opportunities to save. Then you can ask them, negotiate for me, please. They'll deal with customer service so you don't have to.
And Rocket Money has over 5 million users, has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features.
That's rocketmoney.com slash badfriends, rocketmoney.com slash... Bad friends. That's my point, though. That's why I'm going to give it to a charity, because what do I fucking care? I care. No, give charity. Okay. We should give it away. Well, can I have something of yours? You actually do. What? I can't tell you. I think you're lying, dude. No, you do get something.
It's not death. No, no, no. It's just a beautiful way of, you have to frame your life while you're here. And they tell you, you're not young anymore. You got to fucking set up a thing in case you go away. So in case this World War III happens in 2025 that we're in.
Which never fucking happened. Maybe he had pre-existing conditions, something else. So Bobby, this guy, the way you love football players, soccer players, this guy was the man. For you? Well, I mean, he didn't play for anything that I loved. He was just, back when I was a kid, he was incredible. Ricky Henderson was the fucking man. So fast, yeah. Like a supreme athlete.
Literally never heard of him. Look at the size of his fucking legs. I'm not joking. That's bigger than your body. That's bigger than your stomach. I'm not kidding. But 65 is so young. That's what scares me.
I mean, that's so young. How old was Bob Saget? Well, Bob was a tragic accident.
Whoa. Yeah. That fucked me up. Well, that was a horrible accident that should have never happened. So he would have lived significantly longer. He wasn't sick or anything. It was just a bad accident.
And he goes- Someone told me you used to. Yeah, that's a great fucking thing. I cry every time. Yeah. I watch, if I need a good cry, watch Ian Wright reunited with his primary school teacher, Mr. Pagan.
Let's talk about life. Let's talk about the birth of life. Let's talk about a birth of life. The ancient big head people, scientists uncover a lost human in Asia with an abnormally large skull that lived alongside homo sapiens.
He looks, what the fuck? That looks like, what's his name, who works at the store? Yeah, yeah.
Dude, we don't know anymore. We don't know anymore. We don't know. And we know. No, we know. We know. How about that? How about we know?
What do you mean you were embarrassed you were with a girl?
Have I seen this? Have we seen this? Mexican Dynasties?
Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah. Now I have to watch that. Yeah. Because rich Mexicans are my favorite.
Well, he's the most prolific goal scorer in Arsenal's history.
It's interesting when people, it is funny when the more mixing there is as time has gone on. Yeah. Like Tiger Woods, look at his kids. He's playing in this thing with his son, obviously.
He's got a daughter and a son, but it's like you couldn't tell what that kid is. You'd have no idea what that kid is.
They always look Hawaiian. Pacific Islander.
And he said, you know what he said in it that was so powerful, that really moved me in a way? Two things. He goes, he was crying and Ian said, Mr. Pigden said... it meant more to him that Ian Wright played for the country of England than when he flew over Buckingham Palace. That was more important to him, that someone he coached played for England. Wow. And then he said he turned to Huggum
That's a big thing. People now, celebrities, they put their kids up on the internet, but they cover their face with like a smiley face and like ice cream cone. It's weird. Then why even have the photo itself? Do you know what I mean? Like, why put up the pic? If you don't want to have your family on there, don't put them on there. But then why put them on there and then cover up their face?
That seems so strange. It's like, just do it or don't do it.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know him. I don't miss him because I don't know him.
Well, I stayed on the phone last night with Jay Larson for like an hour because the story- I love that guy so much.
So funny. And dude, we called each other because it was like the old days. The hallway was like-
It felt like the old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Jay called me and I called Jay and we both said the same thing. I was like, dude, that felt like it used to feel when it was like, I don't know, when the store had people coming and going more and everyone was finally in town.
But I miss, there are some guys that I miss.
No, I know, because it was quiet in the room. But when I see you at the store, we always say that. What do you mean?
No, I'll tell you what it really was. Your back. Yeah, I was in the middle of a little pain moment and I was sitting there in pain until the drugs kicked in.
It was great. I thought they were good. Yeah, they were very good.
They were very good except that girl who left in your set also left in my set.
Yeah, yeah. Or sit it out in the middle of the set. It's a joke, joke, joke. And then when there's a little break between jokes, then get up and get out as fast as you can. But not when you're in the middle of a setup. It's like right when you're starting to tell a joke and someone's like, And you're like, I wouldn't do it. Because then everybody goes, what's that guy doing?
And he was like two steps down. They were in the stadium. They were up in the stairs. And when he hugged him, he was below Mr. Pigden. You know, like he was hugging his waist almost. I saw that.
Hey, Candace. I live in LA. I make fresh pasta. You do? From scratch. That's crazy. I would love fresh pasta. Oh, throw it in. You're fine. Fresh pasta? She didn't say I like hand pluck goose feathers. She's not like, I fucking kill geese in my backyard.
As long as the arbitrary information is something cool, like I make something neat, I do an artistic thing that's cool. But if she said- Okay, I'm going to say something. Okay.
You like that. My house is filled with lamps.
And he goes, and I felt like I was seven years old again. I was a young child being embraced by someone, a father figure. Dude, I was, it gets me. Wow. Every time.
That's my mom was a chandelier salesperson. Okay. My dad's name was Andrea.
My name is Shandala. Yes. Okay. I live on the West side.
If we have a nuclear bomb, it won't get to us.
What do you say? That's fine. That wouldn't turn you off. I don't think that would turn me off. She takes her hair, flosses her teeth, puts it back. Yeah, I know that. Like, when women do that... That wouldn't turn you off? That turns you off? If she would use her hair to floss her feet... That turns you off. Me too, then. Wait, way more than... Me too, then.
More than sucking on a lamp fucking thing? Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's pretty normal. If you floss with your hair and then put your hair back like it never happened? This is every day.
I would have to get in and get out. I'd be like, look, let's hang out once. But if you start with pigeons, where else does it go?
I know. You got to be careful. You're out there fucking hanging out, having fun, being single. And it's like, you never know. Some girl could be Miss Lee.
Do you do that? I have. Yeah, but you know edging still leaks a little bit. I know, why does it leak? Your pipes aren't closed anymore. Why does it leak? Because we're getting older, you're gonna leak. Yeah, yeah. Like after you go to the bathroom, after you take a piss, you piss your pants a little bit afterwards. I do. I know. How do you know? We all do. Okay, good.
But as you get older, it gets worse. My dad sometimes will piss his actual pants.
Oh, I've seen you do that. You've seen me do that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you want to make sure you're not leaking too much.
You leak, don't you, Carlos? Yeah, those pipes leak. George leaks for sure.
Well, look, if you're starting a business, because we've been doing a little business, we like getting you guys merch and all sorts of fun stuff from The Bad Friend Show. Without Shopify... We couldn't make that possible. They make it easy to manage your growing business. They help with all the details like shipping and taxes and payments all in one dashboard.
It's totally built in to help you focus on making the art and growing your business or whatever it is you're doing. So you got to act now. You'll regret it if you don't.
Established in 2025 has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash bad friends. That's all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash bad friends to start selling with Shopify today.
That's right, dude. After those New Year's festivities, you might not love everything you see staring back at you in the mirror. That's where we come in. The beard and balls bundle. BBB. Help you kicking off this year's ass right out the gate. Say goodbye to that winter beard or keep it sharp with the beard hedger.
That's right. Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy had too much hair. So he used Manscaped's Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra. Your balls, make them your new best friend. It cuts through the New Year's forest with ease. They got two skin-safe blade heads for a fresh start. I love it. I use it in the shower. It's waterproof. It's got a little light on there, and you can yin-yin-yin without nicking your nuts.
Start stacking those new habits now and head over to Manscaped.com and join over 11 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped. Use the code BADFRIENDS for 20% off plus free shipping.
Manscaped has a 30-day money-back guarantee, so you can try it risk-free. Join the 11 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped and revamp your grooming routine with the beard and balls bundle. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code BADFRIENDS at Manscaped.com.
That's Manscaped.com. Code BADFRIENDS. ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. Look, I moved into a new neighborhood. I needed ZocDoc bad, bad, bad, bad, bad because I wanted to find a new doctor and dentist to get my new pearly whites.
And the best part is they filter through to find in-network doctors for you with over 100,000 doctors across all specialties. They got you covered.
Yeah, once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings, choose a time slot that works for you, and click to instantly book a visit. And here's the best part. Appointments made through ZocDoc can also happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments, and I did that myself.
That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bad friends. ZocDoc.com slash bad friends.
Dude, when we're traveling, that's what you're doing. You go wipe off the leak and spray, spray, spray.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, did you see the guy that snuck into North Korea, took video of the traffic cop with his phone? Did you see this? No, I didn't see it. By the way, they're going to get this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what I think about these guys. You're off your head. They're going to get you, dude. They're going to come find you and kill you.
We're not over 50. Oh, that's true. No, it's just, I think that's hereditary. I think that's your family. I think it's your dad.
you should start walking around with it in there just in case. You know?
That's divorce. Yeah, yeah. That's how marriages end.
It was so much trauma. My parents never cooked. My mom wasn't a big cook. My dad's favorite meal of my mom's is called burnt chicken.
really it's called burnt chicken no sauce no there's a fuckload of sauce oh yeah everything is sauce what kind of sauce she does like a she does like a homemade it's like a honey barbecue with it's got a homemade barbecue with a teriyaki base you know it's like a teriyaki base that's a good that's a good but it's burned chicken yeah it's chicken that they burned did you ever do hungry man
He didn't have to do that. Doctors fed you.
In college, I did a lot of bag of Stouffer's. You know the Stouffer's meals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do those. And one time I was visiting my buddy Tyler in DC and I had a late night flight and it was, storming outside, storming. And Tyler and I, you know, we used to get high together all the time. That's how we met in high school, smoking weed at lunch. And I have a late night flight.
No, no, no. He left North Korea and went somewhere else. I don't know where it is. It was on TikTok this morning.
He makes one of those Stouffer's, look at the Stouffer's two-for-one pasta bags. He makes one of these Stouffer's late night pasta bags, right? One of those right there. That bag, it was a bag, right? Exactly, like grilled.
Asiago chicken, right? So he grills up one of these things, you know, feeds me before I catch my flight. We're in college. And I'm sitting there and I go to the bathroom and I'm like feeling kind of out of it. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing? I go back and sit down and I'm like feeling funky. And I'm already kind of anxious because it's a midnight flight or whatever, pouring down rain.
Did you get high? So fucking high. Were you mad? No, I couldn't be mad. I was scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, how am I going to get to the airport? How am I going to get home? He's like, oh, what do you mean? You'll catch a cab. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Panic. That was the worst flight.
I'll be, yeah. No. It's a free one. No, dude, I got way too high.
Imagine you dose his pasta, but because you're Ozempic, he can't finish it.
I know. Wow. Dude, so many of our friends are on Ozempic.
It's crazy how many people are talking to me about it, or whatever the other one is that you're on.
The amount of people, and I can't name names, it's not my business to say, but the amount of people that have told me privately are on it.
I'm blowing my mind. I feel like it's like a thing, it's almost like a thing I'm finding out that, you know when you find out as you get older something your parents did that you're like, everybody did that? Yeah. And your parents are like, yeah, we just didn't, don't worry about it, shut up. I had no idea that many people took this shit.
I know. I can believe it. It's supposed to help people stop fucking eating, and it's working.
What about, yeah, in the middle of the night?
I like Cinnamon Life. Cinnamon Life, my friend. Well, here's why you like it. What? Because the milk is phenomenal. I want to do Cinnamon Life and just bottle that milk afterwards and sell Cinnamon Life milk. Dude, you're so smart.
Why don't they do that? Yeah. What's your least favorite cereal?
Because it cuts your tongue and your mouth.
But the peanut butter Captain Crunch is pretty good.
Wow. I'm going to tell you right now what I like. Count Chocula.
No, Count Chocula is like an iteration of Captain Crunch. Hate it. Okay. Fruity Pebbles.
We don't think about you ever. You say that until they start some shit. What if they start some shit?
Yeah. Well, you're doing a great job because he's just as shitty as you. That's the same bomb.
No, let's keep moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Cocoa Pebbles is the same as Fruity Pebbles.
So Apple Jacks are out there. Wow, that's crazy. Apple Jacks are so good.
Yeah, okay. First of all. It absorbs the milk. It's great. It's the best. They need more frosting. No, I like the one side. The frosting should go all the way around.
Frosting should go all the way around. It's too much, it's too much, it's too much. No, then you're eating just shredded wheat. Because by the way, sometimes, I'll say this, listen up. Dude, those things are the best. Listen up, Kellogg's. Yeah. I'll tell you what pisses me off about frosted mini-wheats. Lately, they've been skimping on the frost.
A lot of times I'll see a mini-wheat there, the whole thing, the whole one side isn't frosted. It'll be a little piece of frost. Look at that long piece of fucking... Sometimes you get a double down. I don't want a double one. No, I love that.
All right, give me the initials. I can guess it.
Oh, you told us about this. Yeah, yeah. Right, the breakfast bar.
Is Carnation still a company? Look that up. Do they still exist? Yeah, they are. They do? But they don't make those bars anymore. Somebody owns them now. Somebody's got to remake that. Why don't we fucking, we should do Bad Friends Carnation breakfast bars. Who owns Carnation now?
Oh, Nestle. Parent company. Frazier and Neve and Carnation.
Well, the magic is gone. It's gone. Isn't it funny when you find out who owns something? Like the other day I looked up JetBlue because I was like, they were booking me on a JetBlue flight because I got to fly for this gig. And I was like, oh yeah, JetBlue. And then look who owns JetBlue, by the way. Because I was looking up what the- Oh my God.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on before you get to it. I was looking up what the flights that like, are they owned by United? It was like they had a partnership, right? That's what I was looking for, for their points or whatever. And then I accidentally looked up who owns it. Zoom in, look at this. BlackRock, Vanguard.
black rock dude i don't know who that is one of the largest fucking like venture capital conglomerate they own the world wow they're probably the fucking they're probably the biggest purveyors of like war black rock is basically fucking i mean they make everything look what they own as of december black rock's market cap net worth is 159 billion dollars the world's largest money management firm they own everything wow
It'd be like- Yeah, but Russia and China give them- No one acts alone other than Germany. And look how that turned out. So now the axis of evil could reunite and start another war. And why wouldn't they? Honestly, why wouldn't they? The time is now.
Trillion in assets, which means they're fucking. Trillion. Yeah, because they're military. They make military. Trillion. Yeah, oh yeah.
Put yourself on billboards all up and down the planet. Clouds.
Is that a cloud seeding? You would look up, all the clouds would be. Oh, they're Bobby seeding again. So fucking rad. Yeah. Private military companies, Black Rock, not Black Water. That's Black Water, right?
Yeah, they do contracting, right. Trillion. Well, dude, you saw what happened the other day to fucking Elon Musk, right? Since Trump's election, he made $40 billion. $40 billion? Because of his stock options and everything like that shot through the roof. Between X, SpaceX, X, Tesla, $439 billion. $439 billion. Billion.
Yeah, look at that. Jeff Bezos, 237. Nice try, bitch.
We should all get invited for how many Amazon. My house is an Amazon fucking factory. The amount of shit my wife gets up from Amazon. Comical. No, it's honestly at this point, the fucking driver the other day goes back again. Wow. Back again, that's what he says. Is she addicted? I'm addicted. Is she addicted? She's bad addicted. Yeah, yeah.
Just bullshit. It's all bullshit for the house. It's stuff. It's small stuff for the house.
No, she doesn't spend. It's not like that. It's just small stuff.
They're ready. I'm ready to go, dude. Let's go. Blow this whole thing up. Let me ask you something. I want post-apocalyptic shit.
I'd be like, what was it? What? What was it? Did you buy heels? Baby, you bought $22,000 high heels. No, I bought like 14 of them that led up to 22,000.
No, well, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of money. Why are we spending $22,000 on shoes?
I know that you like them, but could you get less than 14? No. You need them. Yeah. You promise? Yes. All right, it's fine. And you're fine with it? I guess if you say you need them, what am I going to do? If you say you need them, what am I going to say?
Because then it's like, then I want to go buy something fun for me. Because she could be like, why do you want that car? I really love cars. What's the justification?
We all have our bullshit that our partner could go,
well that's stupid as fuck yeah and by the way it probably is shoes are dumb clothes are dumb cars are dumb toys are dumb but like i want we want them so fuck it guess what the number one thing i buy off of tiktok and instagram and i get something every week sex toys no pants no shoes slides what's the slide mean sandals flip he's right that's comfy sandals no oh oh um A thing for the cats. Yes.
Yeah. Stuff for the animal. I'll buy anything for the dog. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But when I say she, if she spent like, look, if she had a problem, if it was bad and she spent too much money where it was like scary.
We'd have a conversation about it, but you know what I mean? It would have to be like, what the fuck's going on. But that was the thing I think about sometimes. Like you hear these stories later in life, people that are like the spouse was spending crazy money and they didn't know.
Do you know what I mean? Like you know those fucked up stories where they're like, they had a gambling addiction and they were, you know.
Yeah, I know. Have you seen a couple of those? They kill them because they don't want to have to tell them.
You'd rather kill me than tell me we're in debt? Yeah, I know. Fucking tell me. Or the worst. And then what happens when you tell me that we're in debt? Yo. Then I kill you. Yeah, yeah. That's why.
It'd be kind of hot though at first. You'd want to fuck it out. What do you mean? Cause you'd be like, you tried to fucking kill me?
If I found out my wife put a hit on me, it would turn me on for the creativity. It'd be kind of rad. Where'd you find these guys?
What are your kids though? Kids? What kids?
You're a real man, dude. He doesn't want these kids or his wife. He's gone. This guy's dreaming of the mountains in his mind.
Yeah, make his own clothes. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. You'd be so weird. Carlos, what would you do if your significant other put a hit on on you?
Thank you. Snitch. Fucking rat. Snitch. Brat.
Oh, I like that. If I find out she put a hit on me, I'd slowly poison her.
tommy come here just come here let's talk fuck you come here tommy no seriously what the fuck is going on tommy tommy's like fuck off right yeah but it's like what do you think is gonna happen lady yeah but she probably was trying to manipulate him that's by the way she's probably she's probably good master manipulator she's probably a sociopath and she probably thinks there's i didn't do anything wrong she wasn't doing that
If you're going to kill me, you better be hot. You better be hot. You better be so hot. Margot Robbie. Yeah, you better. Margot, kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. Oh, my God. Hey, Sidney Sweeney. Murder me. Murder me. Yeah, yeah. Slit my throat in cold blood. But it's like the gall. To have you put a hit is crazy.
If you were going to put a hit on somebody, how would you go find someone to do that, though? You can't Google it.
I'd get a homeless guy because then it's, you know, if you get a crazy homeless guy and you hide the money, you give him like two couple of tasks. One, he's got to go kill someone. Two, I've hid the money all over the place. It's a scavenger hunt for him to get the money. Then it gives him an adventure, you know?
I was going to say, like Notre Dame football, they slap a sign that says play like a champion as they go out onto the field. They all smack it. It's funny, every soldier before they go to war, they just get to stick their cock in Carlos's mouth. He's just standing next to you. He's like, go ahead, boy.
Right. Get the cash. That's how I get the cash. Right. There you go.
You think someone's going to kill someone for 10 grand?
No chance. It's got to be way more than that. Someone's not going to kill someone for 10 grand. You can hire a hitman on the dark web.
Oh, so he printed his own gun? Oh, that's cool. That's kind of weird. He printed his own gun, but didn't cover up any other parts of his tracks. He literally was like, huh?
Yeah, so it's like he left all the other evidence. He went out of his way to get a 3D gun.
To shoot a gun at a raccoon? Yeah, it's 100% illegal. But it was so quiet, nobody heard.
I don't think they would put us in the same platoon.
Dude, that's so dark. Who would you run up to and kiss on the face? What famous, what CEO would you run up to and kiss on the face? Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's it.
You'd go kiss him on the fucking face, huh?
He's on a wheelchair. He's so kissable. Some of these guys are so kissable, man. He'd kiss, wheelchair.
Wouldn't you? Back of the head? Yeah. Back of the head.
Oh, just no, no, no. Strength and skill. Strength and skill. Strength and skill. No, dude. You'd piss me off today, dude. Am I? I'm just... No, I would call my agents. No, dude. You'd never get in this. We'd never get in the same category. That's crazy. No, dude.
It's a new year. Any resolutions that you got coming up?
That's an attack. Yeah. That's an attack. But by the way, to be fair, you still got laid. But it didn't ruin your night, but it is a little, that's a little war. That's a little baby. She's throwing up a flare.
Yeah, you did too good. Well, no one, also nobody wants to be wet.
But if she did... What would you do? I would go grab water or a drink off someone's table and throw it right on her in front of everybody. That would get the laugh. If she threw it at me, then I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Laugh it off a little bit. I don't think... I think it would be uncomfortable in the room. I'd grab a drink off somebody's thing and throw it on her.
So Jesus Trejo's got to go up and wait for you to come back. Yeah, yeah. It was terrible. Got to wait for someone to clean up the water in front of him. Yeah. So what's your... Are you going to respond to this war now? Are you starting a little war back? Seems like you might. You know me. Seems like you might.
Yeah, yeah. You guys have beef or something?
see how that plays out yeah anyway what's any new year's resolution for you yeah i've got resolutions go ahead i'm leaving the state of california as a permanent resident i uh i can't do it anymore is that true i paid too much in taxes i gotta get out of here i'm done i can't support this place i gotta go so we're gonna go we're moving the show
We are officially- Where are we going? We are moving- Where are we going? To Nevada, Pahrump, Nevada. Oh, I love that place. We'll go. We're moving to Pahrump. We'll go. We gotta go, dude. Yeah. We gotta set up a studio in Pahrump. So we're gonna be setting up a studio in Pahrump, Nevada. We gotta move there. State income tax, we'll save on that. We'll still pay our Fed, but no more California.
What the fuck? We would do great. We could move to Vegas and have the most fun. Do shows all the time.
We'll move to Vegas where we'll open up a club called The Brothership.
Yeah, The Brothership. Only for black people. Have to be black to get in. Welcome to The Brothership, y'all. Wow. And we only play George Clinton in the hallway. I think if we did move to Vegas... If we did move to Vegas, what?
See, I think a 100-seater would be great. That'd be great. Just 100 seats. A little 100-seat little place. We should do that. Should we do a Bad Friends Club in Vegas? The problem is there's too many clubs in Vegas. There's Jimmy Kimmel's room. The Cellar has a room.
They're a headliner. No, no. The Cellar is a split showcase. It's a split headliner.
Maybe we should do that. There's a Laugh Factory, a comedy cellar. It's called LA Comedy Club. There's Las Vegas Live, Brad Garrett's room, Jimmy Kimmel's, Wise Guys. God, there's so many. There's so many. Carrot Top has a club out there. But you can't just call in.
See, that'd be fun to make a fucking, but is there enough local comics in Vegas that you know that you know you could create a system?
All right, well, we'll start the brothership down there. The brothership, yeah. In Las Vegas, and we'll have- Happy New Year, everybody. And our premiere show, our premiere show there will- Be me, me, you, Nate Bargatze, Bert Kreis, we'll call in all our favors. We'll have to have a weekly show there hosted by someone. It'll be called Murder Anthony.
I say things, you know what I mean? I don't know. What do you think? I know you'd be one of the crazy boys in the bunch. Yeah, but would you not push for that? I wouldn't want to. There's no way that I could. I wouldn't want you in my platoon. But the whole time I'm at war, I'm like, what's Andrew doing? I have to write you letters? I'd be missing you. That'd be so much fun. I'd see you from afar.
Also, if we're in the same platoon, think about that. Then we're going to see each other die. I'd rather sit in a tent at night hoping that you're well, writing you letters like a long lost love affair on the other side of the battle. And I want to find out that you die from someone that goes, soldier. No, no, no. The dumpling was killed at 435. They wouldn't call me the dumpling. Yes, they would.
They wouldn't call me, no. They all get nicknames in the army. That's what you fucking get. Everyone gets a nickname. If somebody called me dumpling, I would pull them a cycle.
Do you imagine you call your mom? She's on an iPad. She's like, leave me alone.
you go mom andrew and i'd come running you're right morphine morphine bob bob that's what i want you there all right i'll be there with you i you know what you know what the fuck you i'm not i don't want to be in a platoon with you yes i just carlos you want to be the same platoon hell yeah no fucking way is he gonna get in there dude he's never gonna pass any of the tests oh yeah no we're in a situation they're never easy dude they're gonna take his blood and be like this kid it's a long war
Seventh-day Adventist. Adventist? Adventist. Adventist and Adventist. Do you know these? No. Let me ask you something. That thing that Trump, like, is there flat foot? Oh, Protestant Christian domination. Flat feet. Yeah. Well, but that's back in the day. That was like back.
He's just not aerodynamic. Yeah, I'm not aerodynamic. The wind is just gonna bounce right off of this guy.
Impossible. In fire. Yeah. I'd have to be a fireball. Yeah, yeah. That is amazing. Yeah, yeah. Rambo in all mud. Yeah, dude. Remember that? Yeah.
How could they? Yeah, yeah. I saw some of the things. Something was showing out all like the tricks of the tunnels in Vietnam that the Vietnamese would dig, and they were super intricate.
And how they would try to trick them to get them in or out. But what they would do is they'd try to like flood them out. A choo-choo tunnel.
But look at the tunnel system that they had. And they would flood them out with water and bombs and all sorts of shit. But then the Vietnamese had counteractive shit for the weapons that the Americans would use. So the things that they would have, they would like, if it was a rope or a pole, they would pull on the pole and it would get caught in a machine.
So then it would pull the soldier in with it while they were down there.
And they would have rotating spikes and shit. Mm-hmm. Or they'd have to crawl in backwards or like upside down because it was head first. And they would fucking drown them upside down and backwards. Imagine.
I had an MRI yesterday. I was claustrophobic. I was fucking freaking out. I hate the machine. And all you hear is like, one, one, one, one, one, one.
Top trail. Don't you think? Look at that girl. I'm on vacation. She's on vacation.
I mean, yeah, structurally it is. Structurally, yeah, yeah. Then I would just be worried about fire or, you know what I mean? Something trapping you down there. Look at that thing. That's insane. That's so crazy. They created an entire network. They could like hang out. Yeah. They could sleep for days and days in those things and just hide out.
Oh, you're saying use what we have. Don't you think we would? Yeah, go get the Crips and stuff, blood. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but who would they fight for? That's what's interesting. Who? Who would these gangs fight for?
No, I mean, I think we would never be in a war. Those are our dogs.
No, you say that. But like, think about it. Some of those gangs have drug ties and those drug ties. They don't want the fucking federal government telling them what to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd get in bed with like the cartel and whatever government agencies they have power over.
Can you imagine if they're like, we're going to bomb LA and they bomb downtown and you're like, nobody's down there. They hit the wrong part of the city first. They're like, and then we're going to bomb North Hollywood. Yeah, no one's up there.
They're like zombies. No, they're undefeated. What does that say? Newsweek thinks that's where the centrifuge of war would be?
this is a nuclear bomb oh my god forget it but it wouldn't even hit Santa Monica oh west side safe west side best side we're fucked where we live no dude we're just yeah no we're fucked we're in the fucking center of it oh yeah yeah what are you gonna do no no don't you think that because we're on the other side of the hill you don't think the hill would protect us a little bit some of it I think the hill would get some of like the radiation fog and smoke but I think we'd still we'd get a bad leg I'm in the yellow
Yeah, you're in the- Oh, you're done. You're done. Yeah, yeah.
But that's what it says, nuclear bomb shows the impact of new gravity weapon of the biggest U.S. cities. Wow.
I'm like, oh, well. No. I got two more sets tonight, so I got to.
This podcast is powered by Huel. H-U-E-L. New customers can use code BADFRIENDS for 15% off plus a free gift.
And the name is, the cast speller is Andrika.
Should Andrika Kester spell twice on your behalf to increase the chances of success? Yes!
You drive a hard bargain, Andrika. I would love to know who this person is and what they look like. Oh, hi, Carlos. Thank you for your order from Andrika, one of the founding members of the California Astrology Association, CAA. I was with that agency for a while. We are writing to let you know what you can expect next. Your order will be processed shortly.
Rush quote-unquote orders are processed within one business day. All other orders within a few days. Please allow extra time for order processing over holidays and weekends. Dude, they're acting like this fucking spell has to go through a corporate system. Yeah, yeah. But this is how you know it's real. Yes. Yeah, it's true. Imagine without it. I know. Like, thanks, dude. 25% discount.
Did we not get the fucking discount? We're first-time user.
By the way, guys, if you're looking to cast a spell on a friend, hit up Andrika and use promo code BADFRIENDS for 15% off a spell cast by a psychic consultant spirit channeler. Yeah.
Three rules caring for a mogwai in the movie are don't expose them to bright lights, never get them wet, and never feed them after midnight. I remember the water one. I remember that you can't get them wet.
Bears? Yeah, but they scratch their backs against the fucking tree. Mogwais might scratch.
Mogwai gremlins do not clean themselves. They're creatures with specific rules and weaknesses, and their cleanliness is not a factor. The core rule is to avoid getting them wet. So maybe they smell like shit. That's what I think. Fuck, you see a mogwai, you're like, oh my God, oh my God.
By the way, it kind of looks like a stinky little fuck.
Mogwais wouldn't because they're- Look, look, they're so scared. They're made in China.
It must be tough. Well, there's the gremlins eating popcorn watching a three-day movie.
They are more rad, dude. They have more style. Their fashion's better.
Yeah. I think I saw that guy in the lift at Metallica.
And the not so secret secret with ShopPay, it boosts conversions up to 50%. That's 5-0%. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, Bob loves Skims. I love Skims. You think about a good product, don't you, Bobby? I do. But beyond that, beyond the marketing and all that stuff, there is a business behind the business, and that is Shopify.
That's right. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase.
Ridge! Hey. Yo. I'm telling you something. I'm telling you something. Look at how compact, sleek, and cool, and unique that this wallet is. A lot of people carry around the same big leather wallet, the George Costanza that you've seen. This ain't that, okay? This is a Ridge wallet. You've heard about it. You've seen it. It's durable. You can hear how solid it is.
Plus cash, over 50 plus colors and styles to choose from. You should see on their website. It's pretty impressive how many colors they have. More than you expect and everything you're looking for. Losing your wallet is the worst, but with Ridge AirTag attachment, you'll always know exactly where it is before that panic mode sets in.
I don't really like regular pickpocketers. I don't like those even more. Right now, Ridge is having a huge Memorial Day sale. Get up to 40% off at ridge.com slash bad. Just head to ridge.com slash bad to see their biggest sale of the year.
I think Andrea is crossing the line here by being a Chinese woman in Korean garb, though.
Although you know who should wear glasses and cover up his eyes is Gene. I mean, look at those things.
I got to be honest with you. Your nose doesn't look small in that photo either, bud. You both got Asian snows.
You look younger in real life than you do in this. This photo's a weird photo.
Yeah, yeah. I look tired. A guy told me when he ran into me, a fan, he goes, oh, you're better looking than I thought you were going to be.
You thought I was ugly because you see me on the internet?
So many good movies in the 80s. By the way, I rewatched In Bed the other night at the hotel. Lethal Weapon. So good. So good. What? What is that? What's that face you're making?
What do you mean that's the movie you have for us?
Too old for this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny Glover is the man. So I'm Danny Glover and he's Mel Gibson?
I mean, it's got to be. No, I've got to be Danny Glover.
Okay, let's go through the history of the actors that played them.
But you got to flip it on its head. Otherwise, it's too on the nose. That's the whole point. Oh. Like, look, when they did the remake with- Pesci. Pesci was so good in that movie.
Of having a kid? Yeah. Yeah. Come here, come here, come here. You know what I mean? It's a lot of that.
But see, our parents never did that. They just let us disappear.
Wow, I actually like that a lot. Yeah, yeah. That one's very pretty. Let me see.
Stoked. If it's like, meh, meh, meh, boot, boot, national alert. A nuclear war has started. Just sipping my coffee and my little breakfast nook on. Good. You're not going to call anybody?
who your parents i just talked to him an hour ago yeah love you you know yeah yeah for this huh there's steps for this when a nuclear seek immediate shelter i'm already inside go underground can't no basement stay low my chairs are low i have a i have one of these like little lounge chairs yeah cover your mouth and nose yeah what is this covid fuck that dude ventilation needs to
shut off the ventilation. I want to keep it cool inside. Okay, well, let me ask you this.
Like, imagine, though. Yeah, body parts just start falling off because of radiation. Like, fuck that. Just kill me now. The big blast just shocked me.
I have no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Because if you and I were sitting there, right, and if I stood up... You're saying if I go down, if you and I go down, if they go Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, you must do this for country, and it would save the country.
No, I wouldn't do it for country. That's crazy because it's guaranteed that I'll die, right? But it's not guaranteed it'll save the country. It is. It's a literal guarantee.
No, it would definitely reach us first. Yeah. We're much closer to that than Spain.
Do we have to make a decision now? The commander's standing there. Okay, commander, can I ask you a few questions, sir? Yeah. Sir, commander, sir.
Just because I do this. Yes. What if in a few days something else happens and then it's.
How do we survive? Eat the money. So you wouldn't do it? No way. Yeah. By the way, you just reminded me of that old, Richard Kind told me this, an old Jewish joke he said. A Jewish kid asks his Jewish father for $100. And the dad says, $60? What do you need $20 for? What?
I would never do it for country. You're not doing it for country either, and you know that.
We don't have any fucking kids. No, but in this scenario. Okay, but I don't. Okay. Okay. How many kids? Do I have weigh-ins kids? I got 10? No, you have more raw kids. You have six. Seven.
Yeah, but then I won't be with them. I'll be with them in the afterlife.
20,000 rubles. 20,000 rubles? Is that right?
I don't know if it's supposed to look like that. It's supposed to look like that. It is.
Oh, these are... Right. Without effort, you can't even... Do it in a Russian accent, though. Without effort, you can't even pull a fish out of the pond. Don't have 100 rubles, but have 100 friends. Thank you. By the way, that's government fucking propaganda. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, so you're poor, you eat your toenails for breakfast. Big fucking deal.
Look, it's all about friends. Measure seven times, cut once. What does that mean? It's saying if you're making something, like it's diligent. That's Japanese shit too.
Work is not a wolf. It won't run away into the forest.
You know, Yakov Smirnoff was telling me about that, how accustomed you get to hearing, when he was a kid, on the speaker systems, just constant propaganda. And I said, what was the main theme of the Soviet Union as a kid? What were they trying to say to kids versus adults? Yeah.
And he was like, they constantly put it in children's heads that Americans specifically were the worst version of humanity alive.
Bad, bad, evil people. Yeah. And they paint this picture over and over and over. And you inherently will, you just 100% believe it.
And I was like, how did you have the wherewithal to not? He's like, I guess something just didn't make sense about it.
Dude, he's a great joke writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, when I got off my plane today... The pilot, you know, pilots are saying goodbye. What do you say? The pilot goes, one cacti. I'm not kidding.
It was something I said on this show years ago.
Yeah, you said something about cactus. You were like, it was only one cacti. And I was like, one cacti.
Of all the Bobby Moms that I get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one, I literally go, yes, dude. Cacti?
Don't. One Kakatai. But the pilot goes, one Kakatai. By the way, this is going to haunt me. Did you laugh? I cried. I thought I'd go right on. Dude, one Kakatai.
Now, do they speak in tongues and languages? How do they do this? Italian. It's kind of Italian. Yeah, yeah. So, here's the... So... Wait, here's the funniest thing.
That one's because the Bobby mom doesn't get me anymore.
No, it was. Yeah, of all the Bobby Moms I get, I got them. I was in Vegas this weekend. It's a million Bobby Moms everywhere.
Yeah, he goes, hey, Bobby Mom. They call me Bobby Motley. Yeah, yeah. I think some don't know. Some guy said Anthony Santini. Yeah, yeah. Just call me Bobby Motley.
You know, it's interesting. I talked to, as we were going to the airport in the Uber, I was asking the guy, how long have you lived? I'm always curious about the Uber drivers in Vegas. I'm like, how long have you lived here? Where are you from? Because most of them are foreign. This guy lived there for like 30 years. And I said, how much of the strip is like, because I don't remember it really.
Like I just go to my fucking hotel, do my show or gig and then go home. And they're knocking down the Mirage. They're putting up the hard rock. They're putting a big guitar up there.
I read this thing the other day, literally the other day, that Excalibur and those other ones are no more valet, no more room service and shit. Yeah. So the ones that are thriving are thriving, but the ones that are diving are diving bad. The dispersion is insane.
Well, yeah, right. Like we said, Excalibur, those ones at the South Strip are sold, and they're dilapidated.
Hello. What's up, buddy? Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.
And apologize for fans at home. I've lost my voice a little bit. Go out. Go to the other photo to the far right. Yeah. Now zoom in. The best part is you guys are dolled up. Yeah. Head to almost toe. Now zoom down to the feet and just sneak. It's just like the outfits are amazing, and then he's wearing Hoka running shoes.
By the way, I've never not seen you with four layers on. It doesn't matter what temperature it is outside. Guy wears two undershirts, a pullover, a quarter zip, a jacket. How was the flight going there? Good, yeah. What do you mean? What does that mean? What do you mean? It was nice and easy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you see it out of order? You mean on TV?
Factor! Make this your best season yet with Nutritious. Two-minute meals from Factor. Two-minute meals.
Bobby used to be the two-minute man. Now it's factor meals. Eating well has never been this easy. Just heat up and enjoy giving you more time to do what you want to do.
Factor powers your day with satisfying breakfast, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. I do love their guilt-free snacks.
I'm a little snacky boy. If you're interested in having something quick, convenient, and simple, you got to try Factor Meals. Get started at factormeals.com slash badfriends50off and use code badfriends50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.
Well, I'm so happy that we got you to Japan and you shared a video and thank you. Thank you. Is there any way, it's 11 hours, it's a long flight. Is there any way we can continue to do this as the year goes on, just start sending you more places?
What is it like? Oh, it's beautiful. It's northern Africa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that country? Wait, hold on. What's that one? You want to go there?
Mark is just north of us, dude. Yeah, yeah. How about Burkina Faso? Look at that. Have you been to Africa?
I have it. I know where I want him to go.
I'm so excited because I've been watching a lot of videos about this on the internet.
Okay. Okay, so here's what we need, Carlos. Give me, put up a picture of the United, I'm sorry, of the world, of the flat earth that we live on.
And I'm going to just throw, I'm going to throw something at the TV and wherever it hits, I'm going to close my eyes. There you go.
Can you swim, swim, Dax? Yes. Okay. His uncle cannot is something we learned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me something light that's not going to hurt the TV. You look good, bud. Thank you. Thanks. Hold on. Oh, yeah. All right. Here we go. Let's toss it sideways. All right. Ready?
Oh. Zoom into that. Zoom in the bottom right corner. No, I got it. Bottom right corner. Up. Up. I know exactly where I hit. Up. Up on the map. Up more. Right there. What's that town with that little outlet that kicks out there?
You're going to Jesus Maria. I'd go there. Let's bring up a picture. Just click on one of those little icons and you'll see what the street view is. Yeah. Yeah, there. Check it out.
You have to go to that pizzeria creperie.
You have to go to this creperia pizzeria. Yeah, yeah.
That looks so good. It's like a cheese-wrapped burger.
This is Spain. I know it's in Spain, asshole. You think Jesus Maria is anywhere other than Spain? All right, you're going there. When can we send you to Spain? May? May.
Do you have pictures on your phone you can share with Carlos? You can text him. You can bring him up on the screen there.
No, there are you ever looking for love tax? Yeah, are you in love right now? No, can I ask you a personal question? We can cut it Yeah, that girl you do videos with that cute young lady your girlfriend.
He has. I watch him. It's in my house. Very strange. All right, Dax, send Carlos some photos that are in your phone. Just everything. Just dump everything. Even a couple of nudes that you have in there or whatever.
As you search for those, we are going to continue to send Dax on a world tour. We'd love to. Yeah. But here's what I actually want to enact in Spain, in Jesus Maria. Yeah. Or should it be to a closer, bigger city? I want him. You got to do a meetup, Zach. Dax. Okay. What's your fucking name?
Yeah. No, that's not your real name. No. Theodore. Theodore. Yeah. Teddy. Teddy. Teddy. My favorite president. Yeah. I want to do a fan meetup. Can we do that?
Yeah. That'd be fucking rad. That'd be cool. Do we have fans there?
I would assume you have fans all over the world.
Now, who says hi to you? Is it mostly men or women? I feel like women recognize you more.
Because you know on the internet, you're kind of a heartthrob. Do you know this? No.
There's women that comment all the time that he's a heartthrob.
I don't know if you know this or you're just playing coy, but you are. I've had many, many women come across my way that say, I think he's so sexy.
And what would you like to say to those women that say that?
Loved it. So tell me, day one in Japan. Take me through the day.
We can't get that here. It's a delicacy. Yeah. By the way, you take pictures like my dad.
Pork and chicken and beef, the kind of the standard run. The trifecta.
That's good. I'm glad they got rid of that because they used to do that a lot.
Oh, sorry. Wrong Paul. Retake the joke. Was Logan Paul there?
Just a regular old forest. It is beautiful.
You know you were in cherry blossom season, right?
Because I went there during cherry. It was beautiful.
I do think it's early in the April, right? Yeah. March 8th. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. You got him used underwear. Yeah. I appreciate that.
Wow. This is what Carlos wanted. Imagine the guy that put these on. Oh, my God. It's a big fat dude that puts us. They put these on sumo wrestlers. Wow. What do you think, Dax?
They look pretty. Can you smell the part?
What does your dad do? He owns vending machines. Oh, like candy bars and stuff? No, panties. Yeah. Use panties. Yeah. Wow, that's kind of embarrassing. He makes $800,000 a year.
It does. It does, but it does, yeah. So you're really soaking in the culture of Japan.
Now did you get lonely at night? Because you're far away from home.
Yeah. It's really nice. Japanese people are the best, man. Yeah. Some of the nicest people I've ever met in my life.
So you didn't go looking for other people your age or anything to go hang with? Scope out some friends maybe? No, no.
I saw that. Would you connect on TikTok? Are they a big pop group?
But if you were, if you were in Chernobyl. We're back in Chernobyl. Would you have sex with all these women for country?
So. Girl with a. You want to fuck the girl in the. All right. Stop it. We're going to bank it. We'll blank it out. We'll blank it. We'll blank it.
I got to tell you, they're all gorgeous. Yeah, they're gorgeous. They're gorgeous. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Now. My pick would be. Be honest. Yeah, I'll pick. Did you develop a little crush? Perhaps. Do you communicate with them still?
I'm saying, we're not sharing with the crowd. Do you have a crush on one of them?
What do you think they were saying? What do you think they were saying? What? Oh, they're saying hello to the baseball players.
You're booking me in Life and Feta Chaney?
I've done that before. Did you talk back?
You got to take advice from this guy when it comes to dating.
thank you what the fuck i didn't there wasn't a shot yeah i said he's been you gotta swing the bat well let's get to the gifts maybe okay wait time out let's go back yeah you had a crush on this girl that's right you didn't continue any of the no why uh i don't i don't know scare your fear yes and you have fear of rejection um or i i didn't want to make her feel weird
I really want to set you up on a date. We've tried that. He doesn't want to. You don't want to.
I get nervous, but... Did we get any submissions to Carlos in the booth to date Dax from last time? Didn't we plug that?
No, I know, but we didn't get any new ones?
Well, then let's plug it now, guys. Let's plug it now. You want to fall in love with that. Dax, look in the camera. Yeah, yeah.
Let's do a spell for you, bud. Okay. Which one would you like? Amazing. Amor. Amor spell. Andrika's blood, new moon, new.
It bothers me so much. What does that even fucking mean? It means no. It means they hate you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so who got the role?
Forever love. Retrieve your lover. Sunburst love spell. Which one of these jumps out to you?
Okay, irresistible allure spell. So this remarkable spell highlights your very appealing characteristics, bringing them to the surface so others will see your true and undeniable beauty. Once the irresistible allure spell is cast, you can feel more confident, be happy in your skin. You like your skin, Dax?
Yeah. What's the other person's name? I don't have a specific. If known. You don't know. So just say. Yeah. Women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women of California.
We got to double it. Double down, dude. You got to hit, dude.
This came back from Vegas, dude. You got to hit.
Oh, my God. There's rush shipping and handling. It's a spell.
Okay, we're confirmed. We're confirmed. Yeah. So Japan as a whole, give it a rating. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10. Yes. Yeah. Hey, can you do it?
Okay. Okay. So you know I'm going... By the way, I'm going to Italy in May. Maybe you should come with me to Italy. Meet my parents.
That'd be so fun. Yeah. I'm hoping to be there when they elect a new pope.
But wouldn't that be crazy if I'm there when they're smoking out the Pope? Yeah. You know when they puff the shit out the thing? You would know, you Spanish piece of shit.
Boo. 72-year-old. Dude, they elect these guys just so they'll die in a year and a half.
Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back to the tarot reading and tell in that photo.
Oh, man. Oh, let me see. I like that. Give that to me. I can wear that.
Tell me this isn't right after you got the phone call.
You know, look up Uniqlo locations. I think there's one in the mall. So you got me nothing. Dex, thank you for this. This is very nice. Shop Uniqlo in the USA. I can get you something else from here. Thank you, Dex. This was very thoughtful, bud.
Yeah, there's one in Century City Mall. And there's one in the valley. Should we just return these and we can get something else? No.
Okay. No, what is it? Does it say anything on it?
So you didn't buy any gifts and then you thought, these guys sent me to Japan. So that's your change. I'll just get your change.
Look at you, dumbfounded. Yeah, dumbfounded. Andrea Jin. Andrea Jin.
I want you to give him another gift. You keep giving me change. You keep giving me loose change from wherever you go. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine with this. Yeah, yeah. Loose change is good for me. Give me loose change. I do have- I don't want them. I have- Because they're not from him. I think this is very thoughtful. Thank you. Okay. I actually appreciate this.
And I got to tell you, you do normally do this. What? This is par for the course. You do do this.
Look, you only fight when somebody tries to fight you.
Zoom into that photo in the background. Go ahead. No, no, no. The people.
I got to tell you, dude, I'm fascinated with this world. The fact that they get to escape like this. I don't get to do this.
I'm not interested in being there. I know, but we talked about you. I would go with you, but I mean... You would laugh so hard. I would go with you, but where do you get the outfits? Do I have to buy it?
Yeah, I used to fuck that wench. Yeah, yeah. See that woman stewing over a double-double toil and trouble over there? Yeah. Making a bubbly stew?
really yeah zoom in in the background again yeah yeah what are you gonna say dude i'll say this yeah we have this is proof yeah this is proof that everyone is gonna find someone that has their weird fun interest this is proof look at all these people by the way that guy with the cool hat and the glasses on the hat yeah he's fucking that's his chick dude that's his maiden or his whatever they call him yeah yeah
They all got a chick. And yet I'm alone. I know.
That's what bothers me. Well, I see the hottest chicks. But you should have just gone and walked around you and dumb if you wanted to get a chick. Because then you brought a lot. Look at Gene. Look at Gene's fucking face. Like, where are we?
Why the fuck didn't they cast me in Death and Ramen?
Okay. Is it my wicked revenge spell? It's a formidable spell. It's powerful. Yeah. Lasting.
Wait, you seriously don't know his birthday? And he knows your birthday?
No, no, no. You're getting spellbound. No, you're going to get spellbound. Let me see. What spell could we cast on him?
Carlos. No, no. Spell would be negative. But like everything I think of, I'm like... I'll do one.
Well, what is this family story as we look at this photo? Can you describe to me the family history and the story?
When I was singing and yelling, I do lose my voice.
It was such a loud night. It was such a loud.
Wow. And we sung a song that I absolutely hate. Yeah. We knew, there I am. There's my boy. Who's that? Travis Kelsey. Never heard of him. Yeah. I sang with Peña and Peña was like, what do we want to sing? I said, it's got to be something that everyone knows that people like. And so then we're sifting through cool songs. At first we're pitching around songs.
No, shut up. Who cares? We sung La Cucaracha.
He did. Yeah, on that plane. We sung that song. Pour me up another double shot of whiskey. Everybody had to bargain. And it was a hit. Bronco, Bronco.
Rival Be Gone spell. By the way, I love that you put out a spell. It costs $30 and you get an order number. But what the fuck does that mean?
The guy who runs this is just wiping off the pizza from his finger. He's like, oh, we got one. Wait, wait. Hold on one second. Oh, my God. We got one.
And he looks that way. He looks tired from all the murder.
We were going to charge $10. You're right, man. Idiots will do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So we put in his birth date. We put in the other person's name, Death and Ramen.
That part's too late. You already said that I can't make a woman cum, dude. That's too late.
Sensai McCone, I told you he's the dumb-dumb.
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.
Say it right! In my mood, I'm in a good mood, I'm in a love mood. Say it right!
hello hello there mate bye i'm being so tight and we're going to london england july 18th and then july 19th we'll be in dublin ireland tickets are available right we never go to these places never go to these places once the show's done you we know come back we know come back yeah yeah so you gotta go you gotta go so go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets badfriendspod.com youtube
Yeah. Like, if you're dating celebrities, like, you can go way higher.
He's shooting today. I can tell. He came with a couple loaded. He's ready. Oh, God.
Timothy Chamolay is, like, such a handsome guy.
Have you ever had Chamolay's, uh, uh, pancake batter? No, I would.
Also, first of all, you're in a pool. You're in a pond. Let's be very clear.
Thank you so much. But also, you flew to New York to go see somebody? That's why you went to New York. I wonder why you left.
Yeah, exactly. Well, actually, I told you before.
Wait, no, you told me you were going out there, but not to see somebody.
So what you're doing right now. What you're doing is hiding in plain sight.
That's right. You can save hours of money every month by shipping from all your stores with one login, automating repetitive tasks, and finding the best rates among all global carriers. We have merch on the show, and we get it to you thanks to ShipStation. If it weren't for ShipStation, you wouldn't be able to get it so quickly and conveniently.
Check it out. It's the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers. Discounts up to 88% off UPS, DHL, Express, and USPS rates, and up to 90% off FedEx rates. That is incredible. If you own a business of any kind, no matter what the scaling is, Tiny Tiny, Tiny Tim, or Big Biggie Biggie Biggie, you got to be able to use them because they are going to help you
And you never need to upgrade. ShipStation grows with your business no matter how big it gets.
Go to ShipStation.com and use the code BADFRIENDS to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com code BADFRIENDS. Talk space. Therapy can be costly, okay? But talk space is affordable and in network with most insurance providers and most insured members have a $0 copay. Bobby and I both like to talk to somebody.
You want to talk to a therapist from the comfort of your own home, your own couch, your own bathtub, your own patio, your balcony, your rooftop, your front lawn, your car, your truck, your van, or your favorite little coffee shop? You can do it from all those. Hovercraft. And your Hovercraft, by the way. They're Hovercraft friendly. Talkspace is the leading virtual therapy provider.
They make getting the help that you need easy, accessible, and affordable. You got to try it.
To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash bad friends and enter promo code space 80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash bad friends promo code space 80. True classic. Look. I'm not somebody who likes to go shopping a lot. I don't like to pick all these new styles and all this stuff.
Sometimes I like to get back to the basics, the good old basics, the tried and true, and True Classic has that in spades.
How are you dissecting earthworms? Those are so small. You're using the tiniest little knife?
Classic men who love basic stuff. Simple, clean, spring essentials. You know, the Pima Crew, the short sleeve comfort knit button up. The Chino shorts are great too. And the six inch swim trunks. Look, I have so much of this stuff. I wear it to the gym. I wear it during the day. I wear it to a meeting. I wear it to a dinner. You can dress them up, dress them down.
Premium clothes at an affordable price. You can build the perfect outfit in five minutes or less and everything goes great together. That's the best part about simple, clean classics.
The more you bundle, the more you save. The best-selling t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more come in three, six, and nine packs. Get it as a group. Why do you need to keep going back to find new stuff? Cut it out. Get something trusted, simple, clean, and wonderful. Whether you're building up for the cold or getting ready for the spring, level up your style with clothes that actually fit right.
Just go to my exclusive link here at trueclassic.com slash badfriendstosave.
Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. You're jet-setting now because of the show.
And it's great, and I'm proud of you.
I do want... It can end. Oh. Bob, what are you... Well, let the emperor speak.
This is Trump and Zelensky. I'm Zelensky.
Well, as soon as, here's what really happened. Tell me the science behind it. As soon as she left this show and you and Kalilah broke up and she started to get away from our show.
But it could end. The dream could end. I'm aware.
Me? He's actually been good. He's great. And also, let's be real about the Patagonia jacket. You fucking loved buying that. You love that. You know you did. Because it's a power move now. Now you have that over that kid. Remember when I bought you that fucking jacket?
That's what I'm saying. You're going to use that. You play chess. A lot of people look at you and think checkers. Chinese. No, no. No one thinks checkers. Everyone thinks chess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or my gal or whatever. Pie gal.
A lot of people look at you and they think pie gal. Pie gal. Yeah, yeah. But you're actually playing savant level street.
Yeah, yeah. Seriously, you are. Because he's done this since I've known him.
En passant. And you have little pawns all over the place, right? And you're the queen. You are the queen. And you've always been the queen.
The queen is by far the most powerful piece in chess.
You should know that. You play chess. I'm the king.
He's a rook. All ricks. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. McCone is a pawn.
Precised attack. Watch this, watch this, watch this. That's how good she is at attacks and angles.
It's an attacked angle. You little fucker.
That's when she was like, I don't need to talk to Tito Angelo ever again.
So we have it all figured out in the studio.
Look at how red his face is. You know what's funny?
I know. I could never be mad at you. It really, it kind of sucks. Yeah, it sucks. Like if one of the clowns did it, it would be a fight.
Yeah. Yeah, it just settled. Yeah, it just settled.
It settled, right? Now I see the river is. Yeah, yeah. I'm mad. It was. I knew.
That was good. No, never in a million years.
And that's okay. Did I show you nothing but love for four years?
I got to stop. My TikTok time is bad.
One day, I'm not going to lie, I did six hours.
Anytime I'm on a flight and it has Wi-Fi, I'm TikTok-ing.
Well, the good government, the Chinese government, the good one we love.
Now they're doing it with TikTok.
Get ready with me to become a Chinese slave.
He recommended Nezha. You didn't watch that, did you?
You better watch it before they make a third one.
What did you say? Did we ever what?
It's named as Cao Qiong Qu, a Chinese social media app that allows users to share and discover different content about fashion, travel, and more. Similar to Instagram, with a layout similar to Pinterest.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Giuliani is back. Rudy Giuliani is back in the studio. Are you happy to be back?
Like he was like, I don't know what's going on. Imagine a Mongolian guy who's like literally never been to the United States. That's his first trip.
Dude, zoom in. That's so funny. I just realized, look at his hat. I realized why they like Spider-Man.
Look at those eyes. That's the closest superhero they have. Yeah.
This is Mongolian Spider-Man. That is kind of, it does make sense when you see the mask now. I've never even thought about that.
Who of the people here are you happiest to see? Let's go in order. Happiest to least happy to see. Go ahead.
And it was Chinese Spider-Man. Yeah, Asian Spider-Man is out there.
All right, so what else in your life, Jules? I want to hear what's going on besides you being tired, which is the narrative that's been happening for the five years I've known you.
Well, I could see you working at like Chick-fil-A and that would help us because I'd like to eat it more often for free. Yeah.
Well, then go get a job at Chick-fil-A. There's one near here.
U.S. will sell five million dollar. Wait. Sell five million dollar gold card to wealthy foreigners. So you have to pay $5 million?
But apparently it's not even that much money for a lot of people, so it's going to attract like grifters.
Well, I understand that, but this is just your outright buying a visa for $5 million. If you're an entrepreneur who's invested and has work here, then it's different. But this is, you just pay $5 million.
If he had a dollar for every grain.
We're going to be selling a gold card. I love that. It's a gold card.
If you have a green card, this is a gold card. I love, dude, he puts everything in toddler perspective. You have a green card. This is a gold card.
Yeah. You mean all the Doge shit?
All the Doge stuff, like the Doge employees that are clearing out the government? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
$5 million is insane. So you're telling me enough people... That's a very limited amount of people that have $5 million laying around.
But I mean, but then it's like a tease. No one's ever going to, how many people can really do it? I mean, I guess Chinese money, maybe a lot. There's a lot of billionaires in China. Doesn't China have the most billionaires in the world? Of course, yeah.
Love that. And Bobby's separate. You're separate. It doesn't count because she sees you all the time. She sees you all the time. I'm not even on the list. What?
I know, but no, but even so per capita, they have the most billionaires.
By far. We don't even have that many. We have the most billionaires. We do.
What? I am the Cody King. Yeah, that's it. I will be a billionaire. Wealth and technology, pharmaceuticals and energy. Wow. Wow. Germany. We made a lot of mistakes. But we're back. Yeah. Russia. Of course. We stole this money and killed. They killed for all that money. Yeah. Wow. Russia will kill you. Yeah. Well, 813 billionaires.
That's like you would buy a human, which by the way, you know this is going to enact human trafficking for sure. That's inevitable of what this is going to do. There's no way this is a positive program. So what could you even offer us? If Bobby and I got a bunch of investors to give us enough money to pay for you to become a $5 million gold card citizen, what do we get in return?
You cook bacon and don't leave extra? No. That's insane.
You're a burden. Trust me, Light. Let me ask you something.
Everyone in the room, when you cook bacon at home, you cook the whole package.
What? What the fuck are you talking about?
I know. Three. No, what you do is you cook the whole thing, and then you have some for the dogs, and then you have some in the fridge that you make later with a sandwich, so it's cooked already.
It's the best. Okay. Every time I do it, you cook the whole fucking, you don't do this?
Maybe this is some Midwest shit. I've never been into a house back in the day when we were growing up. Yeah. You always had to have extra bacon because what she's doing is violating you. She's cooking in your home, not leaving leftovers for you. It's a complete violation. It's a complete violation. I agree. It's a complete violation. You cook the whole fucking sleeve. You leave some for Tito.
You piss, you squat on his chest and you piss on his heart.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Right, very bright. That is a bright star.
Well, I'll say this. I'm glad that you're back. I love that you put McCone last. He is the least important of the crew. Although, he did have a fun time at my special and then he went and jumped in the, what'd you do? You jumped in the lake?
He did a polar plunge and all the proceeds went to... So all the proceeds went... It was for Special Olympics. So here's what they do. All the money they collected, they rounded up all of these strong people to throw handicapped people into the lake.
Yeah, people with Down syndrome. They threw them in the lake.
You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends.
He does. Well, he does after he gets out of that lake.
So what? The money I donated to you went to where? I hope it didn't go to you. And how much did I donate?
I'm sorry, was that funny? No, no, it was funny. Every time he makes a shot at you, you have to take one back.
How can I ask you in that movie, would you like more the Express or the Pineapple?
I don't, I have no idea what it is.
So Dave's even seen that. That's how much he loves and respects you. And here you are shitting on him saying he eats cell phones.
It's for Special Olympics. Go ahead.
You're not good at this game. You've never had Chipotle? Nah. That is shocking to me. I've never met someone that hasn't had Chipotle in my life. Do you like tacos? Nah, not really.
Yeah, see, he's pretty good at this game.
It was all for Special Olympics. I said that in the text.
Hell yeah. At night, he turns into one at midnight. Yeah, I do.
this is funny if you say fucked up shit in your on your like in your raps and on YouTube but you're a very reserved calm sweet guy in life you don't have that I only use it when I need to you know I don't really feel like I don't see Bobby Lee as a threat
Well, we're not going to cut it out.
Because you asked a real question.
But let's have your character name for the show. That's Sheila. Yeah, yeah. That's Marmaduke. Okay. I'm Marmaduke. That's Marmaduke.
Jerome. Okay, that's good. I'll take it, man. Fuck it. All right, I'm Uncle Bub. That's Marmaduke, and that's Sheila. Hi, Jerome.
I've already- Let me stop you right there. Yeah, I got it.
But, whoa. I am happy that that money went to there. So you jumped in the river. I told you not to jump in the lake. I could have just given you the money.
Hey, Uncle Bub here. Kids, get your stuff. We can finally get out of these housing projects. We gotta go.
I think it's... What's that, Lee? That's Sheila.
Very good, Sheila. Very good. Very good, Sheila.
You made 10 waffles. How many did you eat?
All right. Nine for you. I'm going to make 30 more. All right. Marmaduke.
Well, listen, I want you kids to work this out when I go to work.
Let me tell you something. You texted me today and you said, are you mad at me? Never.
I love you the most, Jamal. You know that.
Well. In this house, you're Jamal.
You get your own house. You can call yourself whatever you want.
Sony. Call your friends at Sony. There's a show somewhere.
Yeah. Inglewood. You start here in Inglewood, California? No, no. I started in Phoenix, I believe. Phoenix.
Love it. And how long did you stay in for? No chance you lasted.
Yeah, Santa Ana. We should do that in May. Yeah. Let's go to the Santa Ana show, dude. Hell yeah. That'll be fun. It's a consolation room. Are you selling good tickets right now, huh? You're killing it.
Yeah, they want to see you crowd surf.
Signs right there. I do think I am curious to how the mechanics are going to work. Of what? On you surfing in a crowd.
Tell me this. Have you ever crowd surfed before?
Have you ever done a polar plunge? Have you ever jumped in a freezing cold lake or body of water?
Okay. But you are going to do it at one of these shows. Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. What is he? Okay. What is he saying? He's asking me to talk you out of doing that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. What the fuck? That's crazy. He said, talk him out of it. Nah. Nah. There's no talking me out of it. He's saying, please, dead serious, please talk him out of it. Someone's going to die.
Someone's going to die is what he's saying. They can hear you in the mic now. Dave, you're going to pick a show to do this. You're going to crowd surf. You're going to jump from the stage. Yes. Yes, sir. Wow. Brave man. I mean, I don't want to crowd surf. I'm afraid I'd break a neck. You don't want him to do it.
All the Special Olympics kids were naked for sure.
Here's what it is. Yeah. You feel like society is going to move you to the back of the bus.
Better than Lynch. That's better than Lynch.
That was a good one, but it was better than Lynch. You feel like the whole country is going to see this and they're going to sick dogs on you. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. You feel like people are going to watch this show and go, Andrew seems to be getting along with Dave. Bobby, we should hit with a fucking fire hose.
I haven't slept. But let me say something. You're tired? It's 7 p.m. We did this. We moved this shoot till nighttime. You got back from San Francisco at 9 a.m. What'd you do today?
He was actually a Yellow Panther. He was around back then.
Bitch ass N. Yeah. I've wanted to use those three words so bad in conjunction.
That he needs to be in? A sequel to a movie that he needs to be in. Fences. Wow.
Okay, I'll take that. He's bonding you as minorities as well. Yeah, we're other, dude.
Well, for your reference, I don't know if you know, Bobby is a... A recovering alcoholic.
What happened that made you go to the hospital?
You know you can set that right on the thing.
You're fine. Did you have a serious incident that made you go to the hospital?
But what he's saying is we want Dave Blunt's around. I appreciate that. I think you're very talented.
Another thing you have in common.
Dancing in the air. You know? Now, did you have a hotel with a bathtub?
Never know with Sprinter Vans. But now you're going to be on a tour bus. Yeah. We did the tour bus, him and I. Yeah, we did.
That's what I've heard. You can't shit on the bus.
I've seen that in the show. Well, you physically can't. It's also an uncomfortable. It's the bathroom is small. The toilet's against the door. You can't do it. Yeah. You cannot do it.
Really? Yeah. Okay. Because ours did definitely not have a big bathroom. We had to put shit in the shower because we ran out of storage space.
I'm going to guess. Yeah. As a comedian. Okay, good. I'm going to guess that it had something to do with the flight.
It was like a mutual thing. You like the white stuff. What flavor? Yeah. What flavor do you like?
Chatsworth? What's that? You mean surrounding Los Angeles? You mean out of California as a whole?
I did that last time. I didn't this time, but it's a combo tub shower.
Are you putting him up first class? Nah. No.
And what if they, because he likes to, he often, sorry. Sometimes Bobby has friends that fly out. Okay. But I'm curious to know, do they stay in a hotel or do they stay at your house? They stay with me, man. What if they say, I want a hotel? Would you get them a hotel?
I've never been mad at you. You have. Dollywood. Do you cancel sessions that are important to us?
Damn. He's gone through that. And so do they ask for money and shit?
And they say, will you buy me shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know this was a song. I put my life on the line. I'm going to break up with you. Don't do it white. Do it like they do it.
I put my life on the line. I'm going to break up with you, ho. It's over. You've been disrespectful. I hope Crazy House come get you, ho. Pistol by the dresser because I'm sleeping by my pistol, ho. I don't tongue wrestle when you speaking on my bitches, ho. I can't put my bitch before my bro because my bro, that's my bro. But my bro, he got to know. Then he can't disrespect my ho.
She ain't just know. Wait. She ain't just know any ho. She's something like my mind, ho. Even though she my side bitch, I buy her a Range Rover.
And he didn't even do that. I wrote that for you, Black Youngster, so reach out. Can I see a photo of a trench hop? Wait, hold on, hold on. The next lyric literally says, trench bitch. Trench bitch. You don't give a fuck about rich bitch. I keep my, oh, so you like a trench bitch. This means she is. She's from the trenches. She's from the streets. The trenches. Right. The trenches, yeah.
She's not used to like luxury lifestyle. Our generation calls them real ones. Right. yeah yeah the real ones trench pitches yeah anyway we'll listen up Dave Blunt you gotta come back here you gotta come back we love you do you have any burning questions to ask us before we wrap up the show anything that you wanted to say
Like, come on. No, it's done. That was one of the things. That's one of the requirements when Hamas returned the Israeli high. All right, all right, all right.
That's a true story. No, no, no. When Hamas returned the hostages, they said, but no more day. No more day. And that was part of the deal.
I mean, I can give you the answer. Go ahead. We really only worked with people that really kind of were, you know... What? That was like legit actors. The show was filled with really good actors.
Yeah, no, that's right. I was being facetious. Now, you know, I had no control over the show. I wish I could have got Bob on the show, but he... Dave doesn't like me. Dave doesn't like you, that's right.
No, dude, no. Hollywood doesn't really work that way.
Well, I wish it did, but if it was my show, clearly, we're making our own shows together, but when you're on somebody else's show, you can't. You guys are having a show together?
I don't like the shower tubs because I feel like I'm going to slip and that is exactly how I die. I'm already prone to slipping in bathrooms and hitting my head on the thing.
Yeah, let me know. I'm down. You'll play Jerome.
Dave's on tour. Go to, what is it, daveblunts.com? .co, .co.
Go to daveblunts.co. He's going to be down there in the Crescent Ballroom. Oh, Phoenix love, dude. House of Blues, Cambridge. He's going to Texas there, a bunch of Texas dates, Atlanta, and New York, the Market Hotel in New York. Well, Dave, do me a big favor. We appreciate you being on the show. We end the show by you saying something that you really feel deep in your heart to Rudy Jules.
If it's a truth you need to tell her or something very powerful. Give her a powerful message. To her? She's young. Yeah, she needs kind of a little bit of advice. How old is she? What are you, six?
I don't need to do it. And they have earthquakes up there. Imagine.
Imagine if it happened to me twice.
Go to Bobby Lee on MySpace. Let's see what that looks like.
They just go around all day around Subu going, that's my space. That's my space.
Tell me what's been going on in your life, Jules. I am interested to know.
By the way, look at this. Look at this. Look. Hold on. Look at my finger.
Give me back that polar plunge money. What's been going on?
We'll get the suits from Dumb and Dumber.
Can we wear those? Let's pull those.
Dude, Dumb and Dumber suits? Look at that. You and me, that's 100%. We have to wear them.
On May. Well, so school worked well. Can I tell you?
So it's in May. Yeah. And then is there an after party? I mean, I'm not going unless there's an after party.
You're not throwing a graduation party?
You have to throw a party. How about boba milk tea? You love that. A little boba tea party.
That sounds fun. Look at that. That's what we want to do. We want to party.
Underneath there, it should just say corn or flour right underneath.
You're getting back. I'm getting back. You're fine. We're going to hum right into it. So. What are you going to write on your cap? You have to write like an inspirational quote. You know that, right?
Do you miss me? I miss you, but you're going over to Tiger Bell. You're doing that all the time, and you're really breaking my heart a little bit.
I mean, people do that. That's like a thing, right? They write something inspirational on the top of their hat. We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. A, Canadian. Canadian, yeah. Count all of your blessings something your dreams. I can't say. Remember your dreams. Jimmy Buffett said that. A man of many quotes. It is 5 o'clock somewhere.
It's so incell-y. What? Like into the Joker. It is so incell-y.
Eat the rich, no? Yeah, eat the rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny to write that on your cap. They're going to frisk her. Then they're going to think she's going to shoot up the graduation. I mean, you're already wearing a long gown.
Where we were at? He poisoned the kimchi at graduation.
Where we were? Yeah. What? Riddler. Oh, where we were? Yeah, yeah. Where we were at? What happened? There was a Korean... There was actually a Korean Joker?
We embraced you. Not just Tiger Belly.
Oh, feminist group. So he was an anti-feminist.
No, no, no. Activists harassed and targeted by anti-feminist groups. He kept following us and shouting. We were terrified.
Yeah, you show up to the party. There's no party. High on drugs.
You go in the corner, you masturbate, you go home.
Let's do it again. A little Gregory peck.
I don't get that. Well, here's why. I don't get that. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Because if I'm making out with my wife, it's because we're hooking up. You're making out as a setup. I'm saying how long?
Right. Now you're loaded for a month?
We gave you your start. Nothing. She dropped us, dude. Well, you know what we are? We are the guy that she dated before she got famous. Exactly. And she drops us. No, she got famous. You know, the first guy that you date.
It was like... You're right. I know you meant pancake, but you said can cake. And... And somehow, pancake is thicker than pancake.
So wait a minute. Little kissy session and then never talk to her again. That's it.
Ladies and gentlemen, a message for the women.
I don't know what that means. What? I don't know what that means. Well, I'm a poet. I know.
All right, Hemingway, let me think. Yeah. The dam has to break means. Yeah. Oh. That's right. I get it. What is it? You want a squirter?
Well, you do have to break him in like a new pair of shoes.
Shopify. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, you think about a great product, a cool brand and a brilliant marketing, but often an overlooked secret is actually the business behind the business making selling and shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.
That's way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going cha-ching to the roof. If you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling, whenever, wherever on the web, in your store, in their feed, everywhere in between. True. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify.
Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Aloe and Allbirds. That's right. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash badfriends to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash bad friends. Soul. Hey, you miss having something to sip on at social gatherings, huh?
Now that you're not drinking as much or drinking at all. That's a big deal. I know a lot of people that took dry January all the way through February and they're continuing on. But Sol has a new product. Sol's new out-of-office THC beverage fills in that gap. All right? Makes it a little bit easier. Something tasty and delicious. Give that extra little boost, a little kick. It is wonderful.
They got sipping that Summertime. Last time they gave us one, they gave us that Summertime one. It was raspberry lemonade. Very delicious. And I don't know if you know, but hemp-derived THC products are federally legal. Yes, they are. 2018 Farm Bill. Hemp-delivered THC is now legal and accessible nationwide. All over the place, you can get this.
The out-of-office beverages not only come two mouth-watering flavors, raspberry lemonade and cucumber melon lime, they offer two different doses, 2.5 milligrams of THC and 5 milligrams of THC. And that's not all that Soul's got. Whether you're looking for a sleep aid, enhanced focus, or pain relief, Soul has all your wellness needs covered.
Plus, all Soul's products are grown right here on the USA. Organically farmed and gluten-free. For 30% off your order, head to GetSoul.com and use the code BADFRIENDS. That's GetSoul, G-E-T-S-O-U-L.com. And the code is BADFRIENDS. Five-hour energy. Daylight savings can hit you right in the face. Comes out of nowhere. How do you regain that energy that you lost from the time change, huh?
That's where five-hour energy comes in. They have made the one-hour energy. A tiny little pick-me-up for getting through the day or days ahead. A tiny little bottle and very big energy.
Look, man, you're working long days. Maybe you got a family. Maybe you have ancillary secondary jobs. You got all sorts of stuff going on in life. And that's why one hour energy shot has been our secret weapon. OK, it helps you get over those little bumps, those little humps, those little dips in the day. It is quick and effective.
Energy provides a feeling of alertness and energy and snap, snap, snap. What are you looking at? Come on over here.
Check out the one-hour energy shot and conquer your day. Visit 5hourenergy.com to find a retailer near you and try the limited-time one-hour energy shot. One less hour in the day, challenge accepted. Have you ever seen hermaphrodite up close?
Are you with her right now? No, I'm just driving to the store. Okay. I'm doing my show in the belly.
Just a bunch of zombies by a train track, just eating people by train tracks all day? Immobile zombies. Right. It's always the same. There are fat zombies in Touch of the Dead. Oh, fat zombies. But that's the first time. The Walking Dead, No Man's Land, fat walkers are particularly dangerous and they can tank more. Right. Tank more dead than normal walkers. So yeah, I guess there is.
There's a few. But what you're saying is there needs to be more DEI in the zombie world.
Your blood sugar sugar levels. Or through the roof. That's what I'm saying. Like a vampire with diabetes. Yeah. They never have that. No, they should. Yeah. I don't know why. Well, one would assume it's because they're dead. They don't have to fucking adhere to any rules. So they're going to stay the same shape and size.
Like, do you imagine when you die, will this be the body that you embody in the afterlife? Or do you think you get a new body?
Dude, so funny. What? Too fat for the pearly gates. Too fat for the pearly gates. Imagine. You never think that. And what's his name? St. Peter? Who's at the gate?
The Greek hero Achilles' only vulnerable spot was his heel. Left untouched until his mother dipped him in the river Styx. That's where the band Styx gets their name from.
Go back down. Walk a couple laps around the clouds and come on back. You're never going to make it. Yeah. Never going to make it. My buddy Zach's got a great joke. I'm going to tell his joke about hell. Have I told you this joke? I told you in the car in Australia. Yeah, tell me about it. And a guy says, this guy goes to hell, right? And he gets down there and... It's okay, it's not that bad.
And then Hitler, the devil comes up to him and goes, hey, how you liking it? He's like, honestly, that's, I mean, it's okay. He goes, all right, right on. He's like, you like pizza? He's like, yeah, I love pizza. He's like, oh, dude, you are gonna love Mondays. Mondays, we have a brick oven pizza right back there. We use the flames and we all get pizza. We eat all night and drink beer.
It's awesome. He's like, you like tacos? Yeah. He says, yeah, I love tacos. Dude, you're gonna love Tuesday. On Tuesday, we all have tacos. We gather around together. We drink beer and eat tacos. It's incredible, all right? And he says- You like Wednesday? No.
And he goes, no. He goes, you're gonna hate Wednesday. Yeah. Did you guys put up Christmas lights when you were a kid?
Well, it is a nice way to dry out the squid and it gets a nice little flavor.
What is Christmas in Korea? What is it like? Let's see what it's like down there for Koreans. Yeah, tell me. They do. It's considered a national holiday in Korea. Most employees have a day off from work.
The concept of Christmas was introduced. Oh, right. It was, yeah.
Don Gipsinumum, introduced as Christmas as important holiday described by Christian events in detail. So in the late 1700s. Well, your parents were way before that. Your mom was born in like 1502 or 1504? No, no, no.
Yeah, but check this out. This has got to be socioeconomic too, right? Like, I'm sure your parents didn't grow up with anything. They couldn't afford Christmas. They were struggling to survive. Yeah, I don't- This has got to be privileged people in Korea that had money could celebrate Christmas. Maybe. Not your fucking parents. Maybe, yeah. Their families didn't come from a lot of money.
There's something about the taint, that area. Do you know what the taint is?
She married down. Titanic. Yeah, she married down, dude. That sucks. She married down for love.
But once it happens, what are you going to do? Stay in love. Yeah. You just got to stay in love until one of them dies. That's really, you just got to slug it out until somebody dies.
Well, I think because it's through compassion that they understand that you're probably using drugs because you have an addictive bloodline. They didn't know about it. They don't know about it. No, but you can empathize.
It's the area between your balls and your butthole.
So why poor goat? He's getting taken care of. He didn't look healthy. Oh, right.
I think last night I just couldn't go to bed. I had one of those nights where my brain was moving and I was going through my fucking set in my mind about what I want to finalize for the hour. And then I couldn't go to bed. And then I went downstairs and I ate a midnight snack. And that's going to keep you up for another fucking hour. What was the snack? I had such a good little fucking snack.
Little Hawaiian rolls, you know, little puffy Hawaiian rolls.
With leftover beef tenderloin that we had. And I warmed it up so the American cheese melted all over that fucking thing. Oh, my Lord. And I had a little bit of onions and peppers left over. Wow. Buddy. So I had two of those and then I was up. Once you eat that midnight snack shit, you're up. You're not going back to bed.
Well, that's why I stayed up for a little while. Yeah. You know when people wake, do you wake up in the middle of the night to pee? Oh, yeah. Do you wake up in the middle of the night to poop too?
I've started to do that. Yeah. I'll wake up to poop sometimes.
Oh. Not little. Some people have huge taints. I hate the way this is starting. All right.
What do they do if you're in the room when you're sleeping? You don't even know they're there. They just kind of walk around.
Yeah, she's breaking out a little bit. A little bit, huh?
Cuspa is dandruff? Cuspa. Is that the same thing in the Philippines? Wow. Dandruff, how would you know that? Were you called cuspa boy when you were a kid? Little Caspa. That's Fancy B's new name.
That's exactly why. You're not supposed to wash it every day.
Yeah, but there's tricks to it. Doesn't your aunt have a fucking hair care line? Jesus Christ. Use that hair care line. Pay attention. I do. No, but honestly, don't wash your hair every day. It's not good for it. It actually gets it more oily. You know, if you wash it too much, it's bad for it.
I haven't watched the last episode, but in my mind, I know who won.
the young good looking kid I can't remember his name but don't say anything can I no please I'm gonna watch it I'm gonna tell you no because some of our fans haven't seen it yet so don't do that okay yeah you can't spoil it for them but by the way the Great British Baking Show but it made me cry top tier television type okay top tier television it's not just top tier it's there's a wholesomeness about it beautiful and a warmth about it that like is none of that's in my own life
Or in American culture. That's only happened in the British competition shows. It doesn't happen in the American competition shows. Yeah. Do you know why? I have the secret.
Money? There's no prize money in the British shows. Zero. It's all for pride. All the fucking American shows are based on, Top Chef, you can win $100,000. Yeah, it's Star Trek shit. Exactly.
So the goal is pride? It's a pride? It's... Yeah, being...
It's all like, give me the money. Yeah, yeah. I want to be Ruben Stutter. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's okay. I don't know. They've tried to hire, well, they used to have a couple of comedians come and go on the show.
Sketches and stuff. I think because it kills time. I think it's a filler. Yeah. That's Prue right there. We love Prue. Prue's great. Look at the lettuce on her. Zoom in, by the way. Yeah. She's got the thickest head of hair.
Paul Hollywood's the same way. He doesn't like, because he said it to the young guy too in the middle of the season.
Dude. See the on my rapper. Have you been a good boy?
No, matcha he doesn't like. That's what they call it.
Oh, an ingredient. Yeah, yeah. Peanut butter. Yes. Yeah, she hates peanut butter. She doesn't like peanut butter. I remember this. By the way, how do you not like peanut butter?
Well, let me guess. Just like my cum. Chunky, chunky, chunky. Chunky, chunky. Chunky, chunky, chunky. Just like I like my pussy. Chunky, chunky, chunky. I like my peanut butter like I like my pussy. Chunky, chunky, chunky, dude. I love chunky. I want to crunch on it. I want to feel the bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the thing because when we were kids. What is that, discharge?
You know when you crumble chips inside of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich because you need the crunch? When you have potato chips and the chunky peanut butter? Oh, my. Wait, you do peanut butter? Wait, stop, stop. Crumble up potato chips and put them inside the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It's one of my favorite things on earth. Are you sure? Are you tricking me? You will love it. You guys have never done this? You've never crumbled up chips on the inside of a peanut butter jelly sandwich? My God, it's fucking phenomenal. There are potato chips in there. Look at that. There you go. Yeah, you crumble up. So those are kettle cooked. Kettle cooked might be a little bit too much.
You need something that's a little bit easier to break because kettles kind of cut the roof of your mouth if you catch them at a wrong angle.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. And also flavor. You got to pick a good flavor you like. Oh my God.
Well, let me tell you something. I was going to the meeting last week and I said, can we share this with the others? And all of the whites were like, we'd rather you not.
What are you talking about? How did Santa get in there? Not only, yes, there are chimneys in Japan. They're not commonly seen. Because a lot of times you see in the city, it's all buildings. It's all high-rises.
How many people are at the white meeting? Well, what's our local? Our local 416 is what? I don't know. There's like 100 people there or something like that. Yeah, 1-120. 100-120, depending.
I said I want to share some of this with my Asian best friend, Livid. They kicked me out of this sanction.
Yeah, well- Does Carell go? He is in the Illuminati chair.
Yeah, we see him. Wait, what do you got to- But ask, go ahead. Oh, may I? Yeah.
So, I have so many questions. I mean, I'll answer one right now. Yeah, Snow was originally black. We made it white. That was my first question. Oh, my God. Snow was originally.
Yeah. Do you know that? You know that? Tell him about the. Tell him. He asked, are there black angels? And go ahead. Yeah. Because you guys have all the Dead Sea Scrolls or whatever you have.
I don't think I'm allowed to tell them. Are you nervous about this question? All right. Well, we could bypass the question. Would you like to come to one of these meetings? We are looking for staff.
Well, you'd be working the meeting. You'd be working.
Well, yeah, we're not going to do that shit. That's disgusting.
There's room to shift. What do you mean? Well, it's mostly lateral.
Well, my dear, you pass one of the tests and you can.
I grew up in a high-rise in the city when I was a kid. I grew up in an apartment building, and I said to my mom, how does Santa even get in here? We don't have a chimney.
Yeah, tell us, McCone. Give them one of the minority tasks. You remember them. You had your exam a week ago. You know. You're enacting some of it.
Anti-anti. Yeah, yeah. And you know we edit the show. You could say anything. This could have been so fun. You could say anything. Yeah, that was the most anti-comedy.
It wasn't even bad. It scares me for some reason. I know. You know what's funny? I'm just basically explaining Scientology. That's all. I know. So what is it?
Okay. I mean... No, this bit does scare you. Funny. For some reason, this bit will be taken out of context and they'll be like, they really are in a cult.
No, no, but it's funny how someone on the internet will be like, were they really joking? Were they really joking about this white meeting? Yeah, yeah. And you know what? You'll never know.
Yeah. That's insane. We don't have one. I'll tell you this.
And she goes, he comes through the front door. And I thought, what an invasive thing to do.
All right, we'll get to Christmas. Christmas is a cult.
How is Christmas not a cult? Every holiday is culty. You get together, you chant. By the way, what do we do at Christmas? What do the whites do? We sing songs together. Have you ever caroled? Culty. Absolutely not, man. I've Sheila'd, but I've never caroled.
Yeah. No, I've never caroled because I can't sing. I'm not a singer.
Do that. No, you know what though? My dad does make us sing. Jeff? Yeah, JV makes us sing. Like a real white family, we sing together.
There's a funny clip. Man, I wish I could show you. He loves you. Dude, he loves you. He was like, how was Thanksgiving? I said, great. He goes, did Bobby come by? I said, nah, he was going to Michael Bay's house. At the time, you were. You didn't end up going. You know he missed Michael Bay's Thanksgiving? They blow up the turkey.
And can I tell you when you said that, the jealousy in my soul, because I haven't been in a while, and Palm Springs in the winter?
Oh, out in the... Palm Springs. Oh, yeah. It was packed. Really? I could not believe how packed it was. I mean, it's beautiful out there. They do all the lights and the decorating.
Yeah. Did you do the... What? It's me. You did the, it's me, it's Bobby. And they still let you... They didn't. Okay. They did it for comedy.
You know they let him in. Yeah. But you went out there on a little journey.
At my house. Was that at your house? Yeah. What a great fucking.
Everybody, my mom and dad just, I mean, everyone loves you, but.
Yeah. The family, but not including us. So not the family.
That's not true. That's not true. And you know what? Honestly, you're projecting. You don't want him to go. So you say to Auntie Kalilah, you say, what if we don't invite Tito Bobby this year?
They don't. Do they talk about me over there? Go ahead. Hey, do they talk to me about me over there? No, no, no, no. Nobody does. What? Right? You don't believe it. Yeah, I don't believe that.
Don't close your eyes. Do it with your eyes open.
That is true because we had Thanksgiving, but we didn't do it at my house. We did it at Bucca di Beppo. So you never know. Yeah.
We kept a chair at the table in the hopes that you would show up because I even said.
It's after World War II. I don't think you knew. Most Japanese cities were built highly flammable materials like wood and paper. Yeah. Extremely vulnerable to large-scale fires when bombed, resulting in massive civilian casualties, widespread destruction of infrastructure, significant impact on morale. Yeah, you'd think. If your house burned down, that would bum you out a little bit.
First of all, let's be real though. Yeah. Not someone being in your home is different than you having a wealth of people that are deeply in love with you on many levels. Yeah.
I don't know man I can tell you that's a fact I mean last night I was like sitting there with Ian Bagg just talking I love Ian Bagg I do too he's like one of the funniest dudes in comedy yeah and I was like he's like are you okay I go I'm so alone where were you at the store improv well that'll make you feel lonely that place yeah yeah no no I get it but by the way comedy clubs are the worst place for our egos why
Because it's a test. It's a test. It's a test of your skill and your self-assurance and your self-awareness and all that shit. Stand-up clubs are hard on your ego, whether we know it or not.
Because you're constantly in, you should know of all people, you are constantly in conflict with yourself over being good enough and funny enough.
That's a hard place to do. Keeps you honest. Keeps you honest, yeah. Well, it keeps you, it also keeps you very introspective.
Well, I thought this morning in the shower, because we talked last week, you asked me about my depression and I want to give you some credit. You guys listened and I got out when I needed to get out and it made me feel really good. But I want you to be honest then.
About your depression, where you go when you get low. Because I didn't ask you back. You kind of let me just mouth vomit.
Inside myself? You said, where do I go when I get really depressed? And I told you where I think I disappear to.
I told you last week, I think I just I get in a place of isolation. I don't want to talk to people. I need to be left alone and I need to either exercise or go away. Like when you drive back from Palm Springs and you were sad, where where where are you?
That's actually interesting. I'm surprised that football players are the only ones that wear that.
Reflection of the light or the sun, it helps. That's right.
You imagine all it takes for Asians to have bigger eyes to just put on that black under their eyes.
Is there something you're excited for at the end of the year or the beginning of next year?
Really? You know what? There's nothing brewing for you?
That's like- You do look smaller. Everyone has commented.
Does your penis look better? No, I'm serious. When you lose some weight, sometimes your dick looks better.
You know, we can say Merry Christmas now because Trump is president. We're allowed to go back.
I like seeing a buff guy at the gym with a small little penis.
I love that. Why? Because he's like, fucking, I'm jacked. And you're like, nah.
I know, but that's why regular guys like us have regular dicks. It's great. Yeah. We didn't win. We didn't lose. It's fine.
It's fine. You know what our cocks are? Vanilla bean ice cream. Exactly. French vanilla bean. It's good. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. It's not the one that everybody wants, but it's fine. Yeah. And yours has a little bit of mango in it. You get a couple slices of mango.
It is funny. By the way, at the spa today, I went in the hot tub. And, you know, you go naked in the men's spa. So I'm naked in the hot tub. And a guy came out of the sauna and didn't know someone was in there because I'm sure he went in and no one was on that section. It was kind of quiet today.
And he came out and he, like, saw me and panicked and grabbed one of the towels to cover up his little penis. Wow. And then I had to pretend like I didn't see his little penis. Yeah. Because he stood right there. And I kind of like. Are you naked? Looked the other way. Yeah, you have to be.
Kwanzaa Kwanzaa is just so they've got a Hanukkah like candles right you light how many candles are there let me see the Kwanzaa Kwanzaa so there's one two three four five six seven yeah so it's eight in eight for Hanukkah right whoa look at the black one in the middle what does that mean And look, there's the guys on the outside fighting him.
Do you guys talk about that at the white meeting? We do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and this is going to offend you, but we wear shorts because we don't want to sit on the same ground as you. We need some sort of cloth separation.
Well, it's like, you know when you put down, you know when people put down those things on the toilet?
But it has to be able to throw away. So how can it decompose?
what do you call it the seat yeah so you gotta clean that you have a pee side and a butt side and you always have the pee side down you just always know which side it's by color right I don't know the pee side will be yellow that's a little too thick to walk around with you think so yeah yeah yeah but we'll have a carry all we'll have a bag that's specifically designed for it that looks cool see you don't see women don't have that because you know women sit down and they pee right I don't no she stands up I don't what she lifts one leg up like a dog
Why? Because I don't want to touch. It's gross. Wait a minute. You don't stand on the seat. You just hover.
That's insane. Like a spider monkey, dude. Why don't you just hover?
I know a lot of women that hover. Hovering is a very normal, they hold the walls.
That's true. Well, how about this? How about this? Why is it, you know, like the women do the hovering technique, you know, like this, this is like a constant thing.
Why aren't women's toilets higher off the ground then?
Why do they have to hover and crouch? Why can't they just... Why don't they make a mechanism that goes up to them so they can just stand? Why don't they do that? Why do they have to hover over?
So now you're in. Why don't they do that with us? We don't need that because we like to stand and pee. It's like a male nature. No, I mean for pooing. Oh, I don't, well, extra tall toilet. See, this is what I'm talking about. Can you, can you poo like that? No, you can't poo like that. I'm doing, yeah, I've done that. You pooed straight up. Oh yeah. Stiff as a board. It must be messy.
That's how we end the meetings. Oh, that's how you, that's your exit. No, but when I've camped, when I've gone camping, you lean against a rock and poop. You never done that? No.
Keeping him down, keeping the man down. The seven candles in the kinara symbolize the seven principles of Kwanzaa. And what are the seven principles of Kwanzaa? I'd like to know.
God knows I know you have. I know you've pooped.
Because I don't want anything swimming inside my pepito.
That's a real thing. It's a real fear or something. And by the way, oh, this is what I was going to say too. Looked up the statistics of this. Catching something like from a toilet seat, like from sitting on it, is literally impossible. You'd have to have open wounds on your legs and they'd have to be fresh bacteria on the seat to catch anything from the toilet.
And by the way, who's pooping on the toilet seat? I've seen it. This one that's hovering? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen it. A hover shit? Yeah, yeah. No, but when I get in the bathroom, I take toilet paper, I wipe the seat anyway.
How? How dirty? Yeah, yeah. How dirty? No, seriously, how dirty? No one is pooping. The only thing that's getting on there is other people's butts. That's it. That's it. No one is lifting up and pooping on the seat. It doesn't happen. It will not happen. It cannot happen.
Then maybe it's at a place where young kids are and they're fucking, they're little shitty gross, but most of the time in an adult atmosphere, there's nothing on the seat. Maybe a little bit of piss.
A little bit of piss. By the way, have you peed in a toilet with shorts on? You feel it on your legs.
You pee in a urinal, you feel it all over your legs.
You've said this before, and I think that's a great idea. And where do you pee from, your fingers? Yeah. Yeah. You can get it away from you. You shouldn't pee at the same, like, you know what I mean?
No. No, we want that. All right, hold on here. Umoja. Umoja means unity in Swahili. So strive to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race. Say that one. Go ahead, Rudy.
Or we just create a mechanism. You know, like at a bar, you know how you flip a glass upside down and they have a washer, water sprays up?
foot fucker that's a new look at these foot fuckers over there look at that foot fucker there dude I'm not going near those foot fuckers are you kidding me would you fuck the foot I would I love feet you know I like feet I love a good foot something about it on the internet when you see a good foot you're like that's sexy a shoe salesman for a women's department has to be a girl then probably
Taking the sock off. Well, it's the same thing with gynecologists. And I found out that there's male gynecologists. You're like, what? You've never had a male doctor. No. Wouldn't you be so uncomfortable?
Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Wait, it is her gynecologist. Fewer than half practicing OBGYNs are men. Fewer than half. Still too many. Still too many.
A variety of different. There's too many. Yeah. And you get to see the worst, the best and the worst. The worst. Best and the worst.
Yeah, you don't want to see it all the time. It's like when you work at McDonald's, you lose the taste of the food. You don't want to work in the firework factory. You just want to buy them. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, do I like buying them. I love buying them. Yeah. I want to say this. For Christmas this year, I want one thing from you.
happiness next year. No, no, no. I want you to be happy next year. And I'm gonna work tirelessly on making you happy. I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna find a way. I'm gonna find a way. I promise. I will find a way. Where there's a will, there is a way. No, no. Yes, yes. Look at me. I'm gonna find a way. I promise. Thank you. What do you want for Christmas, Jules?
Kujichagulia. This principle refers to naming, creating, and speaking for oneself. Self-determination. Ujamaa. Ujimaa. Well, these sound Korean. Oh, I met a girl named Imani in college. Was she black? No. Oh, fuck.
All right, hold on one second. Who's one starts? Well, let Fancy start. Get his out of the way.
Okay. All right, Bob, you go first. I go first? Okay. Okay. No, stop. Jules, go first.
Oh, dude, be careful with this. That's not a real... Yeah, it's a knife. It's not steel, though. Put your hand out and feel it. Let me see this. Put your hand right there. No, no, I don't want to do that. Just once. No, dude. Okay. No, it's not. It's wood. It's wood. All right, let me do mine.
Oh, wow. Salmon skins. Wow. Oh, for the dog. Wow, for the dog. Oh, for the dog. And it's a little Christmas sweater. Yay, thank you, dude. Honestly, thank you. And by the way, you know who else likes salmon skins? Rudy. My little salmon skin girl.
I do, yeah. I can read. I see it. Do you know what's incredible about this? What? The effort he put into your gift versus literally anybody else.
Give me that. Let me see it. That is incredible. This is incredible craft and heart. I will say this- American comedy icon Bobby Lee finally gets the home media release he deserves. See all his greatest sketches, at least all the ones I could find on the internet. For some reason, this fucking show isn't streaming anywhere.
A collection so funny, it will have your whole family shouting, uh-oh, hot dog. Merry Christmas 2024 from McCone. It's a real Blu-ray. It's incredible. Should work on any gaming device with a disc slot or a Blu-ray player. Runtime is 73 minutes.
I'm insulted for you, dude. You built this. Yeah. You could have built me something. That is a beautiful gift. It's incredible. All right, Fancy, open up your fucking gift.
It's a miracle. Yeah. Faith, community, faith. This is all kind of the same thing. This is kind of nice. I think we should celebrate Kwanzaa this year. I have eggnog.
Okay. You're a piece of shit. That's mean. Take it back right now. No, no, no. It's true.
Merry Christmas, McCone. Thank you so much. That was nice. My dog will love this.
Yeah, I want to be Free Willy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would think if they got a whale to jump, it would have been a black whale.
My instinct was that it didn't live because when they reacclimated.
Give me some eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog? Wait, seriously? They don't have that in the Philippines, huh?
Well, you can take that home and build it. That was a gift from us to you.
So, of course, Keiko wasn't going to survive based on all that. I mean, this is like ripping away their core instincts.
Well, it's also – I don't care how, like, kept the zoo is. It's always awful. It always looks like shit. They look like they're bummed. That's why there's always sorts of, like, wild shit that happens at a zoo because they just don't want to be there. They don't want to fucking live like – they know in their gut they're not supposed to be there. And they look sad every fucking time you go.
Honestly, can I tell you something? If you're going to land a joke to close the show, it's got to be seamless.
Have you gotten worse at speaking English? It's almost like since you became a citizen, you're shittier at getting it out. Jules, wish everyone a happy Christmas. Go ahead.
So this is our bad friend's Christmas song that we wrote together. We did? Yeah, you remember this? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, give some for Jules. You want some? No, thank you. Mmm. A really good eggnog. You like it?
You are going to love it. Hold on. Get out of the way while she drinks it. Do it again.
It's really sweet. It's sweet. So you want to know what's in it?
Milk, cream, sugar, eggnog base, which is sugar, egg yolks, and natural flavors, nutmeg, turmeric, citric acid, nut milk, salt, cinnamon, stabilizers, guar gum, carrageenan, and then locust bean gum from locusts.
I stay depressed, dude. Let's see if this will make it over the crack.
Those are their mouths. So you're eating a locust right now. It tastes... It tastes good. It tastes good.
But it coats your mouth a little too thick for me.
So will you do me a favor? And McCone, why don't you come... Delicious.
Yeah, that's actually nice that he's gone. Do you miss him?
Yeah? He's in Texas. So I re-watched a TV show last night.
Well, someone must. They're on a second or third season, right?
If there's anything ancient, it's got to be China. We can only see ancient Chinese shit.
What happens on January 5th? Because the next day is our holiday. Three kings. What? Three kings.
Oh. Yeah. We'll buy it. That does sound like that's how it got sold in the room. Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, set in ancient Korea.
He's an emperor. Okay. Let me guess. Is it set during the Joseon Dynasty? Yes. How'd you know? How'd you know? How'd you know? How'd you know? How'd you know? Pretty good guess, I guess. All right.
Oh, this must have been taking place during the Imjin War. Is that true or no? How do you know that? I know a little bit of Korean history.
seriously you saw the show in the 17th century no I know a little bit of Korean history keep going please talk to me I want it but I'm just I know some of those things okay anyway um does it follow based on is it based on real people like Lee Chang yeah yeah yeah follows Lee Chang shut the fuck up dude shut the fuck up dude what shut the fuck up did you see it okay anyway let me finish I know Lee Chang is the crown prince how the fuck do you know that what do you mean I know some ancient oh you're reading it no yeah you're reading it no I'm not
I had a massage today. And the woman said, is there anywhere I'm not allowed to touch?
It sounds good. It went a little too wonky donkey. Here's what it should have been. She's pregnant. She's actually- The show's a hit?
I'm rewriting it. Okay, all right. It wasn't a hit. You just said it lasted two and then they killed it and no one watched it. You started this off by saying, nobody watched this fucking show. So clearly it wasn't a hit. It wasn't a hit. Here's how it would have been great. Take it out of the fantasy world of zombies.
Just make it so that she's pregnant and there is a team of people who are trying to kill her so this baby doesn't get born so that this other next of kin gets the kingdom. So it's a war of trying to kill this woman to get this baby out of her so she's not carrying the next king.
I love that. Better than eating a worm in the brain and they keep him in the zombie and it bites the boy. No, but these villagers that eat. I don't like zombies. That's my, you know, I don't.
No, no, I want to hear it. You need to sigh. I'm just fat right now.
No, brother, I lit the mirror this morning, 205. 206, I think it was yesterday. Fatty, fatty, patty, waddy. Fatty, patty wagon. I was just eating bullshit. When I watched The Walking Dead, what? What?
That's the happiest thing I've ever seen. Are you an Academy Award winning director?
Ich ging nicht zu Bong. Oh, Hot Shot, fancy Bobby Lee. Nein, nein, ich meine... Bong geht zu mir.
Ich warte... Leute gehen zu mir, ich gehe nicht zu Leuten.
Maybe I fucked this up. No. First of all. Bad lie. Bad lie. Maybe he reached out now.
Are you friends with anybody? All of them. Tony Matusi. Call him. What? Call him right now. Yeah, yeah. Call Tony. Art Kimball. Call him. I know the name. I dare you to call one of them. And if Art Kimball lived in LA, I'd know it. Call one of them. And if Art Kimball fucking produced Yellowstone, I'd be in that shit.
You fucker. Call him. No. I would be the yellow in the stone. You're a gaslighting fucking liar. You're a fucking liar, dude. You're not friends with anybody. And you're a deceiver. You're not even friends with anybody now.
Like you're friends with everyone you went to school with? That's insane. That's insane. But I know. I know who he was too, I said I knew him. And if... No, no, no, fuck you. You don't get to do that.
See, that, that. I'll do what I want, bitch. Just do the Chicago thing.
If there was a unicorn, I would know it.
I wouldn't know if Doc played badminton. If you also played with him, yeah.
I know, but I don't like being deceived.
Amazing. Why can't we do these campaigns today? It's racist. Is it?
No, no, I'm saying... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd you say you guys? You're white? Yeah, you guys. You look not white. I'm tan. Okay. Okay. All right. Yeah. Are you tired? You look tired. No, there was an eclipse. Oh, there was? Yeah, yeah. Did you look up into it?
Well, it's easier to do, because the scripts are already there. But what you can't do is change it.
I said it weird and you got what I said. You could have moved on. That's how we do it. Okay.
I didn't see that either. See, that's what I'm saying.
Yaxi, Yabor. Yaxi, Yabor. Yaxi, Yabor. Where are your arms now? Yaxi, Yabor. Yaxi, Yabor. Yaxi, Yabor. The yard bone is gone.
They're like, oh, really? How come I've never seen your stuff? And you're like, well, this, I don't want to. Oh, I hate it. You know what I mean?
Well, they'll go, oh, you're a comedian?
You're friends with Nate Bargatio? Like, you know, he's the most famous comedian in the world. It's like, if they don't know you, show the video, by the way, Carlos, real fast. This is my agent's fucking house, who you know. You know my agent. Yeah. That's his home. Oh, my God. They sent that to you. Wow.
By the way, back it up just a little bit. Yeah. Just there, right there. Yeah. That's your place, that fireplace. That's the size of your place, right? Right around the fireplace? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, thank God my agent and his family and his wife got out because, I mean, dude, how terrible. This is awful, bro.
Whitney, I talked to her. She lives way out there.
Yeah, she said she's awful.
She said we have no home to go to.
Like he lives in the garden?
She was packing bags. She actually went to our friend's house because there was a fire right near our house. I got so scared because I thought, Oh dude, I'm on a plane. Like I can't do shit. So I just had a million texts coming in. My favorite text that I got was from Stan Hope. Stan Hope gave me like, I think the funniest text.
Like a lot of these, like Rachel Feinstein and stuff, like Sam Morrell, like a lot of New York people, a lot of great- They texted you? Adriana Bellucci, yeah. They didn't text me.
Scoring touchdowns is the key to winning the playoffs, and you can score big by betting them on DraftKings, the number one place to bet touchdowns.
I'd like to place a bet against you.
New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.
Only on DraftKings Sportsbook. The crown is yours. You got a gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY. That's 467-369. And Connecticut Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario.
Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash audio.
You don't need to be an expert, Bob. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals. And you don't got to be rich, right? Acorns lets you invest with the spare change you got right now. You can start with just $5 or even spare change in your pocket.
I'm texting you from the sky. I landed at 1035. My God. Oh, wow. I saw the smoke the whole way. It was wild. Wow. I saw the fires the whole way.
Because your cats are going to need that money when you're home. They love it.
So if you're looking to invest, you can start here. Everyone thinks you need a ton of money. You don't. You just need whatever you've got. Start now for your future.
Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 3 compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash bad friends.
Premium clothes at an affordable price.
I'm wearing one right underneath this sweater.
Everything does. The best-selling T-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more come in three, six, and nine packs. The more you bundle, the more you save. These are comfortable, durable, and I like good old-fashioned basics, okay? I like these basics that you can mix and match with everything. Long-sleeve Henleys, fleece hoodies, jeans, button-ups, joggers, so much more. They got everything. Everything.
Yeah, you got your- Fleece hoodies, dude.
The joggers are great. I love it. You're a big jogger boy. You can mix and match all of them. There's free shipping on all the orders. 100% perfect fit guarantee with very easy returns.
And 200,000. And 200,000 plus five-star reviews. True Classic has everything for everyone. You got to check them out.
That's trueclassic.com slash badfriends. Shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. Stan Hope wrote, hey, just making sure Sam Morrell is checked in to make sure you're okay. I wrote, you're the man. I go, he has, but we all think it's disingenuous. Yeah, Matteo, a bunch of, you know what's so funny?
So many, the New York comedy scene, man, these people are so, like, they all checked in. Rachel Feinstein just hit me just now.
Yeah, a lot of my New York comic friends. Dylan and I were talking too because I wanted what Tim was up to. Dan Soder, the dog.
Yeah, of course. Rosie and I were talking. I got one, yeah. And Andy.
No, thank you. I got a Ronnie Chang. No, thank you. Yeah, that was a no thank you. I actually blocked him, I think.
No, I didn't get, it's not that I got a clue.
No, no, no, don't do that. Why? Because he's not allowed to have his phone at this hour.
Dude, my favorite text, though, I got was from a Chicago friend, because, you know, I'm going to Chicago in the morning. My buddy in Chicago. Hey, man, are you okay? Yeah, we're okay, man, thank you. Cool, can I get a ticket for tomorrow's show?
I'm going to Chicago. Playing the Chicago Theater.
It's a big thing for me, man. It's like going home, it does something to me. I can't explain how much I appreciate it.
No, it just shocks my soul that people will come out like that. It's just nuts. It's awesome. I'm genuinely so like, Jesus Christ, crazy. Well, you deserve it. When I was a kid, no, I'm saying when I was a kid, dude, we went to go see, like my mother took, my grandmother wanted to go see Phantom of the Opera. And she was like, we're going to go. We're going to Chicago theater.
Like it was a big deal. Like I had to fucking dress up.
But now we go there. What is that about? Penis jokes.
That's what it's about. Christine. What is Phantom of the Opera? It's a dark, twisted tale of a... You would love it, dude. It's right up your alley.
General. Give me a general premise. It's like a physical reject who falls in love with this woman. And he tries to... Look, then he's got to cover up his face because his face is all fucked up. And he's in love with this woman, but she's with another man. And he's trying to get her back into his good graces. What happened to his face? What?
acid no acid he went over to saudi arabia made a couple of uh he was pro-gay rights That's what it's about? Yeah. Whoa. No, that's right. They threw acid because he had a black girlfriend. Wow. Did not like that in Saudi. Is there's really a black woman in it? Or they just cast? What do you mean they cast? What? Do you mean was there originally black cast members?
Christine, you better come back to my cave. Look, look this up. I think it's the longest running musical. I think it's the longest running musical in American history. Maybe it's not. What's number one? Phantom. It is.
13,000 performances. It beat Chicago after it got revived.
What about Wicked? Do you see Wicked in theaters?
Come on, bro. I have zero interest in that. Yeah, I downloaded it. I just can't get myself to watch it. Why would I watch that? You know what I did watch that I loved? Squid Games. Oh, my God. You love it? I love it. It's so good. I'm being real. I thought it was going to be bad because I was like, the first was so good. This series is going to be bad. Did you guys see it? Oh, yeah. It's so good.
You didn't watch it? It's so good. It's so good. Wait, wait, but time out. We'll get back to Squid Games. Okay.
What's going on? I watched, and I know I think it's from last year or the year before, but I was catching up on How To with John Wilson on HBO. That guy's so brilliant, and I mean it. He's so, what, you don't like it?
Buddy, it's so good. It's such brilliant comedy, man. He's so fucking funny. I don't know what it is. Why don't you like, you don't get his shit? I don't get it. Here's what it is. It's an alternative subversive look at the world of New York through this artist lens. You're such an artsy guy. I can't believe you don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Squid Game. Squid Games. Yeah. Once, I'm genuinely, I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart. Once again, the fucking Asian community makes another banger.
Okay, more specific. I said Asian. Okay. But here's my problem. Why can't American fucking shows do a second run and it's just as good as the first?
Why can't we do that? We fuck up all the time.
I hope. Yeah, maybe. I mean, the first was so good. Well, who the fuck knows?
Hey, Los Angeles, this is Mayor Karen Baird.
No, there is a post. Season one was great.
But I'm just saying, it's like American shows, they struggle a lot with coming back with another thing.
And this show, I think is, I'm not done. I think it's going to be just as good as the first.
The only thing. Bibimbap, food. I've heard you say that to your mom. Yeah, yeah. Where's the bathroom, pussy? Yeah. How do you say that as one sentence? Say, where's the bathroom?
Boji's pussy. Beyonce Orisa Boji? Yeah, yeah. Beyonce Orisa Boji? I'm going to say that. By the way, I'm going to South Korea. You got to come with me. Okay. Do you want to go for real? Yeah, let's go. No, I'm dead serious. Yeah, I just said yes. But like, can we go-go? I want to go. Why are you going? I'm going for that golf thing that I'm doing now. I'm doing a golf show.
I just got back from- I can't go to the course with you, but I'll just go.
All right, let me tell you something. I know you don't care. I'm just going to inflate your ego. Yeah. I went to go meet a bunch of people and say hi and introduce myself because it's like the beginning.
The amount of guys. Who? No, no, no, no, no. The amount of guys that were like. What celebrities were there? Yo. Nobody. It was their pro golfers. You don't know them. Okay. But the amount of guys that were like, yo, I love you and Bobby. Oh, really? Where's Bobby? And I was like, dude, it'd be rad to bring you. Now that I know that you will go to South Korea, you have to come.
She stayed silent. They're interviewing her. Dude, that was crazy. Yeah, yeah. Those are sweet British guys.
How many trans people do you know for real?
You think you crying in the theater to Bob Dylan would bring back? Magnum P.I.? Magnum P.I.
It's unbelievable. It was so hot.
Carlos, Carlos's commentary is always, you know what it is?
It's Howard Stern in like the, in 96. Like we say any girl, he's like, great taste.
Now, do you do, do you do the relaxed seats? Did you do the, you know, the seats that go down? No, we didn't relax.
See, I like to go to the, what is it called?
The best gaslighter I've ever met in my entire life. No, I mean, honestly, it's impressive. It's impressive how much of a fucking gaslighter you are. It's like disgusting. Anybody can go to that theater. I like to be in the recliner seats because of my back.
Your argument's so fucking bad, it's unbelievable.
It's shocking how many holes are in your bullshit.
What are you talking about? I'd like to go to the theater to lounge. Everyone likes the fucking recliner seats. It's the best seats. Okay. They're by far the best. I don't do those. What are you talking about? Because it's not close to your house? What theater do you go to? The Grove. You go to the fucking grove? What are you so angry about? Yes, I go to the fucking grove, dude.
You go to the grove. Yeah. I know why you go to the grove.
You'd be dead. But I was texting you the whole night. I texted you back and forth. In fact, I got a call. From Kalilah.
I know exactly why he goes. Oh, here we go. Let's start now. It's Bobby Lee. Hey, man, what's up? Smoking a cigarette. Fuck you. There you go, dude. Fuck you. Fuck you, dude.
You know how many theaters there are in the fucking valley that you can go to? You know where they fucking are, you liar. They're all over Burbank. Burbank has three movie theaters within a mile of one another. Yeah. And they're so close to your house.
Smoking outside. That's not why. Is that Bobby Lee? That's not why, dude.
If her back hurts, why don't you take her to the recliner seat theater? Mm-hmm.
Well, I got a call mid-flight, and I texted. I was like, I can't answer. I'm on a plane. By the way, why can't I answer? I'm on a plane. Can't they just make it available for us to take a call on a plane? It'll interfere with the radio. No, it won't.
It's so funny. Elitist. It's open to the public. It's literally just a movie theater. All right. Anyway, so you're back good at the theater? I had epidurals. Yeah. It feels so much better now I had an epidural put in my back. I'm going to have another one. I got to have another one put in my fucking head. Did you see Nosferatu? Yeah, I loved it. You did? Yeah, it was awesome.
I watched a disturbing movie in my last movie of the flight last night. What was it called? Called A Simple Man. The Simple Man or A Simple Man. It's old. It's an old movie.
Yeah. A Simple Plan. No, Simple Man, I thought.
It just makes you fucking sad. Is it like falling down? A serious man. I apologize. I'm serious, man. I'm sorry. Yeah. It's really hard to watch. It like hurts your heart.
Well, it starts with like a Jewish parable at the beginning. And then it goes into this man's life in the 60s, I believe. 50s or 60s. And...
I mean everyone shits on this guy he's a professor at a university he gets literally no respect and his wife is like leaving him for their fucking neighbor who's like a buddy who like comes over and he's like you know we're thinking about we're thinking about you moving out of the House of Me movie like and he's taking it all on the fucking chin it's really what is Stephen Park playing at he's Korean he's he's uh I think he's the student one of the students okay okay it's just a dark look it's beautifully done but man it was hard to watch he was the dad he's the dad of the student that's right that's Stephen wow
It was just one of those movies where you're like... But does he snap? Look at that. He's hugging his wife's lover.
I bet you could figure it out.
But this is dark in a way that's like... It's shot in such bright, beautiful colors. I mean, bright, beautiful for the time period that it looks happy, but it feels fucking atrocious. And he's trying to get tenure and nobody wants him to get tenure.
It's a guy that like, yeah, you're surprised he doesn't jump.
Better than like Swingers?
Well, what about what about what's wrong with me? Pacino? Yeah. What about Heat?
Yeah. Heat's so Los Angeles. I mean, like, in fact, in Heat, sometimes when I rewatch that movie, I see the underpasses they're shooting at. And I'm like, I know that I used to drive under there all the time. 110 in the.
Yeah, it looks like when you go to, it looks like when you go down to Mexico, it looks very like, what is it called? Barrios.
Barrios, Haciendas. Yeah. Barrios, I don't even know what I'm saying.
yeah oh will we yeah yeah yeah hey bro you're in the wrong fucker hood uh can i take your picture yeah pose dog um that la is dead by the way that la is dead la as we know it is dead why this is a red alert red alert after the pandemic and the fires and the strike fucking la we gotta go I hate to say it to you, buddy, but it's happening. No, no, no, it's happening, 100%. We're leaving.
Where are we going? I don't give a fuck, but we're leaving. We're leaving. We got to go, dude. What are we doing anymore?
I know, we said the exact opposite on the show. That's the best part about podcasts.
We should stay. I don't want to. Gavin Newsom and fucking Karen Bass and all the bullshit of this fucking city. And it's never going to get rebuilt. Right. And they can't get Hollywood to stay. What are we doing?
They fucked us up. By the way, I listened to Adam Carolla this morning talking about because he just this guy has he's grew up in Los Angeles. He's lived here his whole life. He was talking about how good luck rebuilding Malibu. These people are going to have to fucking try to get permits. Good luck.
Good fucking luck. Because it's going to be a billion people trying to get permits from the city of LA. And this city is insane with building permits. It's crazy. There's a million rules and restrictions. There's so much regulation in Los Angeles. It's going to take them forever.
And you have to get a million different kinds of them. Wow. And never mind that. Talk about all the insurance companies that fucked over all those people. They're never going to rebuild. Even if they do, it's going to take three years before the Palisades even exists anymore.
And by the way, if the plane crashes, the tray table, I want it to cut me in half. I know. Let it sever me in half. Well, no, it would hit your head because they want you to bend over. Well, they want you to eat your own balls. It's such a weird, they like tuck your head in your lap.
No, Altadena. Altadena. Altadena is like a regular working class neighborhood. I'm sure there's some nice house there, but it fucked up a lot of people, man. That was the misinformation of the news. People were like, this is just superstars. You're like, dude, it's fucking 30,000 acres. Exactly. That's so many people. What do you mean?
And it's probably, look at the total acreage that's been burnt in Los Angeles County. And by the way, we're doing this podcast while it's happening.
Wow. And we're doing this while it's on fire still right now. Yeah. People at home.
17,000, just the Palisades.
One idiot. Sitting in a room being like, oh shit. I hit it. That scared the shit out of me. But imagine if you and I had that, we'd be like, do it. Oh my God. Don't do it. You'd get fired. Yeah, right away. Yeah. You know how many fucking, what are they called? Amber alerts I just let out. But I would do Amber alert for one of our friend's cars. Do you know what I mean?
Someone's car that we know at the comedy store.
Shopify, Bob. Shopify is how you're going to make it happen. Is that how it happened? tell you how. That's what we did. Shopify is the best. They make it very simple to create your brand, open a business, get your first sale, get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates, no coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop.
What happens if you don't act now? Will you regret it? It's a disaster. It's a disaster. Someone's going to beat you to the idea. So don't do this to yourself. You don't kick yourself when you hear this again in the air because you didn't do anything. You must start working with Shopify now. Established in 2025 has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Go to shopify.com slash bad friends to start selling with Shopify today. That's shopify.com slash bad friends.
What's the deal with flying?
You know why? Because ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network dockers and click to instantly book an appointment.
And way more. Look, I got a bad little back, and I got taken care of thanks to ZocDoc. You're able to find a doctor very quickly. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance. They're located nearby. And if they're a good fit for any medical need you have, they're highly rated by verified patients. You can see it yourself. You see what other people said to let you know how good they were.
That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash bad friends. ZocDoc.com slash bad friends. We have a special guest. Is he here? I thought you said he's here. Oh.
It's a surprise. It's a fun surprise. It's a surprise for you? No, it's in the room.
No, you're CC'd on all the emails, Bob. You literally are CC'd on everything.
What's Dermacon? Is that a pimple?
Then I'm going to be doing Boston, going over to Boston, my friends. And then I'm finishing this tour in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Come see me in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm doing four shows. That's where I'm shooting my special. I'm so very excited. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets. AndrewSantino.com.
What are you stressed about? Just stuff, life.
You're killing it. You got a baby? No, no baby. Well, then what are you stressed about? You're married. No, I'm not married. You're not married. You don't have a baby. What do you give a shit?
Oh, the strap one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? The double strap? It's like, I'm already this. Why do I need that?
Were there any whites at the party? There's some whites.
Because you'll fold in half.
100%. For sure. It's a kind of white guy that's obsessed with it. Now, I find Asian women beautiful, but there's a certain kind of white guy that obsesses over Asian women.
Yeah, you'll fold in half. You know what? There's no logic to it, but I will say this. You can't tell me. We have people that live in space, right? We have someone that lives at the International Space Station. They live in space. You can't tell me the plane can't have a separate radio for me taking a phone call?
This is how you know she loves Asian guys. Bruce Lee is one of her profile photos. I know. Bruce Lee is one of her profiles.
Damn, you look good, dude.
Jimmy is the once you go black. Jimmy's the once you go Asian. You bang Bobby Lee also.
What are you talking about?
Karen Bass. Will you start to write a letter to Karen Bass?
Some girls in general are just not interested. I'm saying it's like you're making. I just don't like the way you said it.
Some women aren't interested, period. It has nothing to do with you being Asian. They're just not interested. They're not interested in my type. Your type is not because you're Asian. Your type is specific.
Why can't you figure this radio plane stuff out?
Here's what I would say. Yeah. Jimmy is...
He's a starter on Arsenal. And you're in the locker room. And you're there. And you're cheering on the boys. And you're on the team. But you're not on a midfield. By the way, this is- Is that what you're saying, Jim? He's a superstar. That's not what I was saying. He's a superstar.
The kid's a fucking superstar.
Well, first of all, he's actually half Mexican, so we got points for him.
Yeah. I'm glad it's getting around.
And you know what? Honestly, let's squash this now. Your appeal for women is just different than yours. You get plenty of beautiful women. They're just different kinds of women.
No one's casting you guys in the same.
Like you and me and Anthony Jeselnik aren't going to go out for the same fucking role.
He's a little stunned. He got a little hit. He got a little hit. Took a hit. I'm good.
Well, also- No, no, stop, stop. Well, you're also different in age.
And also Korean and Chinese are very different, you know? Well, that part I don't know about.
Because he gets on his little high horse and he doesn't...
He starts spouting hatred about China. He'll do it. He'll just crack one open and start flying off the handle. I mean, you guys don't know how to wait in line. See? How do what? Wait in line. We talked about it earlier.
Chinese be skipping lines, dude. Oh, for real? Yeah. Chinese be skipping.
Maybe in certain parts of China.
Chinese people skipping line. Do skipping in line. Skipping line.
What's my qualm with Chinese? People? Anything about it, the culture. Let's start with the food. Okay, how about this? I can't do that. Chinese food is really good. It's good. I like it a lot. I really like Chinese food.
Like pick one thing, you know what I mean? Szechuan, love Szechuan. What do you mean, hotter the better? I think Chinese is hard to, Chinese food is hard because I really love that. Yeah, but when it's bad, it's bad. How about this one? The language we've talked about, the language is harsh. It's sharp.
How about this? Say, hey, you guys, save me a seat when you get to the restaurant in that world.
Yeah. Now listen, in Korean, save me a seat when you get there. What? In Korean, save me a seat. I don't know how to say that. Make it up, fuckhead. Oh. Very nice. I'm going to say it to Steve.
He's like, I have never heard that tone on Squid Game. That's how they talk. That's how we talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very hard. They're on the run for their life. They have to be yelling. Give me the Korean. Let's hear it. That's Korean.
No. Just do Chinese traditional. Let's go Chinese.
Traditional and simplified. There you go.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Yes, they will. For good or for bad. And don't ever forget that.
Yeah, don't fuck with me, okay? What about Japanese, though? Japanese got some wild motherfuckers.
What does that say about Japanese that they don't want to live in L.A.? That's interesting because there's a lot of Korean and a lot of Chinese here, but not a lot of Japanese. Yeah. Why not? I don't know. You think it's a superiority thing? Because he always says they have a superiority complex.
What do you mean? We have that on tape. You say they think they're the best. You say that all the time.
What the fuck? What are we saying then? I just said what you said. Okay. You said they have a superiority complex. They think they're complex. That was a legitimate accident.
I'm a big fan of Japan. Yeah, me too. Big fan of Japan. By the way, I'm going to Hong Kong for the first time. Are you touring there? No, I'm doing like a new show that I'm doing. So I'm gonna go there for a couple of days.
Yeah. Oh, that's, wait, what kind of show is this? Like a travel show? No, there's like an alternative golf league and I've started like a little show that I'm doing with them where I'm talking, like a walk and talk with players and we just goof around and get like a glimpse of their life. That's the dream.
For me, it actually genuinely is.
By the way, by the way, he crossed his legs so eloquently as he said, yeah, I probably could beat you.
Look, look, look. Look at my form! Now it's going backwards. Switch, switch. So... You know how they go switch? They go forward and they go backwards.
Machine Gun Kelly sat on that chair.
Oh, sorry about that. Stay in the blue one then. Yeah, stay in the blue one. Yeah, yeah. How's your show, by the way? Everyone seems to absolutely love your show. In Teary Chinatown.
And our good friend, Lisa Gilroy, who we love so very much. She is amazing, right? Number one, dude. Yeah. Chloe Bennett, look at that. Ronnie Chang. We love us some Ronnie Chang. And that's Alan. Is that Alan?
Oh, I couldn't see. Zoom in.
If you're stand, I stand. Don't you think? Stand up for your right to fight. Do you have any other fight ones? I'll tell you one right now because this is crazy.
He filmed it at the end of this year.
Only 10 years later. Him going against your advice worked out pretty well for him.
You're still in Los Angeles, aren't you?
And this applies to everybody. They entice you on these frequent flyers. You know, they're like, ooh, you get miles, right? Like it means shit. It doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean diarrhea. They lie. So here's what happens. I'm in Terminal 5. I'm about to fly on JetBlue because it shares it with American. I fly to American my whole career. We've been on the road.
Good, thank you. I think it's good for you. And back in the day, this whole country was great for people like me. And then we let you guys in.
You know what I mean? We know, but what happens when you do drink coffee?
Well, we're leaving. We're moving. We're not moving. Bob and I are moving.
We figured, how can we get the most central in the United States? And it's Missouri. We're going to Missouri. It's the most central state in the United States. So we're going to Missouri.
Let's go. Yeah. Tax-free. Dude, fuck this place. Let's get the fuck, let's go to Vegas.
Nah, fuck this place. Let's get out.
Keep your house. Are you guys safe? The house good?
He's lucky. The fire was right near him.
Wow. You guys are in the hills. It's different. You guys are threatened all the time. Us in the flats, we're not that... We're not threatened as much. We're not threatened as much.
Well, I'll tell you. That is a black cultural nickname for black women. Sisters. You don't do that. You guys don't do that. Can I say brothers then? Absolutely not.
And let me tell you something, pal. You want to do that in Vancouver? You can't. But here in my country... Yeah. No, I think it's just a black cultural thing that when I hear somebody non-black go like, like my sisters or brothers, I'm always like, no, don't do that. That's a black thing, dude. That's theirs. Are you going to take more stuff from black people?
But no, but like Hogan... Is that what you guys are going to do? Brother, you know? Yeah, tell me about Hogan, brother. Yeah, brother. It's because he does it with... Well, he's also said the N-word a few times on tape.
They have him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They caught him.
No, you know what it is? It's just, I can't have Asians do it again. That's what I'm saying. Can't have them do it again. You guys did it with Black Lives Matter. You overtook them. You did Stop Asian Hate. You remember. That's two different incidents. Don't even start it. Two different incidents. Black Lives Matter was humming along. They were moved. That train was chugging along.
No, but look, I've been an American customer because my dad was when we traveled a lot. Now I've switched a lot back and forth, but I have over a million miles on American, over a million, right? And check this out. I politely go to the lounge and I say to the woman, hey, I know I'm not traveling American today.
And then here comes Stop Asian Hate. I stopped it right in its tracks. You remember. And everyone forgot about it.
Just give it, we'll come up with a new word. At the meeting, we'll come up with a new one. Give it an Asian word. We'll give it a word.
That's Chinese. Yeah, well then be Chinese, bud. You're going to be thin.
You're not hanging out with Japanese people. We already talked about this. Okay. Or Vietnamese. What's a Vietnamese person? You're not hanging out with them either. I am. No, you're not. For you, it's Korean, Chinese, Filipino. Those are the three. I don't know what you're doing right now, but I don't like it. It's working. I don't like it. Let's go backwards. Let's go backwards.
Obviously, you can call them sister and sister. I'm fucking joking. Jesus Christ, what show are we on? But the stop Asian hate thing was funny as fuck.
It's fucking funny, dude. Yeah. Well, let me say this. Jimmy O. Yang.
Probably one of the greatest comedian, friends, actors, performers, souls in the comedy business. We love you so very much.
I think you're one of the greatest out there. Known you for a long time. Funny dude. Great dude. You seem to not really miss a stride. You're pretty good. Thanks. You're pretty good, man.
Oh, you're playing the forum?
He's one of the greatest. So go see him. If you're in L.A., come see him at the Forum February 28th. JimmyOYang.com. JimmyOYang.com.
um i'm traveling jet blue it's the same terminal they don't have a lounge but like i want to get something to eat because i haven't eaten like i'm running around i haven't eaten i go is it cool if i go in there because i'm uh and she goes you have to fly american i go can i show you my i've i've my loyalty or whatever and she's like no i don't care and i have the card i was like no i mean just please can i just get like a coffee and something to eat i haven't eaten all day she's like no you have to be flying american and i said i have over a million miles
Awesome. Yeah. So Chinese of you. Yeah. So advantageous. We're going to buy all the website.
What else do you want me to do? Dude, I give your company so much money every year. I'm not saying I'm entitled, but it's like, dude, cut me a break. Can I get a coffee and a fucking donut? I fly with you guys a million fucking miles a year.
No, start it. I don't want to start another fire. Start one in this room. And then we'll get an alert. By the way, we get an alert on our phone. Matt, Matt. And Bobby goes, you're telling the whole city to evacuate. I was like, read it.
I was mentioning common things that normal people go through right and you had to throw in oh the first class strap was a common thing you fucking liar you fucking liar this is what the fans don't know you're a fucking liar no you're a liar he started off by saying the poor people liar I never said
Try Huel with 15% off today using code BADFRIENDS at my.huel.com slash BADFRIENDS. Hey, Bad Friends, this week I'm going to be in Philly and in New York. I'm playing the Met and the Beacon. I'm so very excited and so humbled. I cannot believe I get to play two beautiful venues, New York and Philly. Come out and see me. Then I'm doing San Diego and Phoenix and And San Francisco, we added a show.
that yeah you fucking did roll the tape oh yeah i did yeah he did okay here's what he does he plays this victim card and the fans think like poor innocent bobby dude he's a brat you guys don't know shit you guys are so out of your element and by the way everybody can get access to a lounge that's not like a privileged thing if you travel with an airline enough you can go to the lounge it doesn't matter how many points you have you can go and by the way and by the way little boy you didn't have any status until i signed you up for all of your frequent flyer because i said i'm trying to help you out
Another thing you don't fucking take care of.
Thank you, George. We have money.
Why would I pay when I can just sit down and eat? They don't have chocolate donuts at the lounge. Well, you should stop getting Dunkin' Donuts.
Yeah, I'll take, I'll take. Whoa, what?
No, no, no. But I know what he's saying. It's, it's comparative. My point is, I just want to have like a cup of coffee and sit down and relax because you get to the gate and you're like, well, there's nowhere to sit. So I'm going to stand here like a fucking dildo waiting for the flight. And then it's not worth it. I'd rather go to the lounge, get a cup of coffee, sit down, read some emails.
It's so, that's why every time I invite, by the way, when we do go to the lounge together, you fucking liar, you love it. You're a fucking liar. When we were in Australia and we went in the lounges, you fucking loved it. Didn't you? Didn't you? Liar. Dude, you're such a liar. The fact that the fans don't fucking know who you really are, it bums me out. Do you listen to yourself talk?
I'm working out every day. My T is way up right now, dude. I want to kiss you.
One, two. Whatever the number. The numbers. It's always numbers. Go ahead.
I love Chinese. They cut. They cut. They cut. And they go in the first class. Dude, sometimes you'll see a Chinese couple, old Chinese couple, and they'll go with the needs more time, like the disabled people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen them walk with the veterans. I've seen them with the military. Yeah, with the veterans. Yeah, yeah. You're not in the Marines. And he beeps his phone. Right.
I love it. See, when they walk by me, I go, nice try. It's a nice try. You got to let them swing. Okay, I'll give you one for the boarding bullshit. I'll give you one back. Here we go. It doesn't make any sense, and it never has, that we don't board back to front. Why wouldn't the back of the plane board first? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.
You're boarding the front and it's jamming up. Let people in the back go first. Are you saying this?
He... He could have died last night. No, he could have killed me. Well, he's sick right now, too. Are you sick? Yeah. From the fires, dude. It's the smoke. No, he's sick. You know he's sick.
And if you get to the comfort plus section and the bags don't fit because there's no bag room, they light your bag on fire in front of you.
Because you could set it off. Yeah, I just don't touch my shit, man. By the way, say that to him. Next time they're moving it, be like, oof, that's gonna trip the wire. I wouldn't do that, dude. It will go off. Yeah, so those are my things. Those are your rules. Well, how about this one? Okay. I did a nice thing. Yeah. I did a switch. Will you switch me seats? I did a nice thing.
You got your blue chew? Yeah. I did a switch me thing, you know? Can I have my husband and I can sit the thing? Yeah. Of course. No problem. I'll do it. I'll do it anytime someone asks. No big deal.
I do when they ask. How about this?
It's six. How long is the flight? Six hours long. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Six hours. That's correct. Come on.
Um, I don't. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're not from this country. Excuse me. Yeah, I don't speak English right away. Right away. See, how would you handle it? Ready? Yeah. Excuse me, sir. Sir, excuse me, sir. Hi. Hey, my wife and I booked tickets late and we're actually going to my mom's funeral.
And do you think we could switch seats so I could sit next to my wife, sir? Oh, my God. You know what I do in that situation? What? I go right to the flight attendant and I go, hey, can you just move this guy? Because he won't know the difference. No, no. But I did it deaf and blind.
So you got to go deaf and blind.
On a flight? Yeah, yeah. No, but my favorite thing to do when someone's talking to you on a flight sitting next to you, I like to make up a life. If they don't know, if they've never seen me, they're like, what are you going to Charleston for? Yeah. It's a fun opportunity to be like, I'm an engineer. I'm an aerospace engineer and I'm going to a conference right now.
We're actually developing a way to shoot down Chinese spaceships.
I'll just make shit up. Oh, that's good. It's fun. Who fucking cares? And that guy's like, whoa.
I used to exclusively date Asian women. Yeah, yeah.
Weep. Weep. so people have a laugh no one's gonna come save the day yeah yeah that's it but uh so i make it up because i don't want to get into their fucking they want to connect with you yeah so they try to find that thing it's cute sometimes it's not cute but but sometimes i also just want to have fun because by the way when you tell them i'm a comedian or we do a podcast they don't give a fuck
The guy works here. There's like sound. He lives in a factory.
It's a divorce. Yeah, no, I did. Was it about a divorce? Yeah.
Gangbangs, yeah. No, that's more than a gangbang. 101 guys?
No, but Oppenheimer, yes. Everything, yes. Coda, no. Actually, Coda's the first one I haven't seen on that list. I haven't seen Coda. Green Book, Parasite, Shape of Water, Moonlight, Birdman, Spotlight, Argo. I've seen all these. 12 Years a Slave, Hurt Locker.
That's a small colony. I never get invited to those parties, do you? I did get invited, but I couldn't make it. Can I be 102?
Go back real fast. I did, there's one more that I know you and I definitely have never seen is Chicago. We've never... Never saw Chicago. No. Never seen the play or the fucking... Yeah. English Patient, fantastic. Forrest Gump. Sehr gut. So, was sind die Auswirkungen, wenn du dein Mikrobiologie-Examen verfehlt hast?
Ich habe in der Hochschule mit einem C minus begonnen.
Ich würde das nicht sagen. Du bist Biologin?
Imagine being 102. A woman films aftermath of sleeping with 101 men in just 14 hours. Wow. You gotta be exhausted. Yeah. You gotta be exhausted.
I think it's six, though. I think it's six, which is a long fucking time. It's too long. Vier Jahre, okay, also es ist, oh, es ist gesagt, acht Jahre im Total. Typisch dauert es etwa acht. Wow. Und dann machst du viel Geld? Ich denke, Vets machen gute Geld. Wirklich? Nun, ich kann dir sagen, wie viel mein fucking. Das ist wahr. Der Scan kostet, als ich zum Vett für den Ursprungsvettin ging. Ja.
Habe ich dir das gesagt, als mein Hund pukete und Blut schickte? Nein. Die Anzahl für einen Vett in Kalifornien ist 171. Wow, das ist eine ziemlich gute Sache. Sehr gut. Das ist sehr gut. Sehr gut. Yeah, I took my dog to the vet and we don't have pet insurance and it was an emergency because she was throwing up blood. I remember. And I had the worst panic, man. I was so scared, so sad.
No shit, no discount, no picture discount. Nothing. I was happily taking pictures like, my dog pooping blood and I'm taking photos. Wow. I did the right thing. But I was also like, that's a little weird to ask me to take photos first thing in the morning when my dog is shitting blood and I'm a little worried. And you're like, can we get a picture for the office? I was like... Sure.
Is the blood thing taken care of? Is she still shitting fucking blood?
How much would I have to pay you to sleep in that bed when it's done with 101 guys? I mean, honestly, for one night, would you sleep in that bed? Wenn ich in der Sache war, ja.
Yeah, that's the love of your life. You know what I mean?
It's an economic thing for some people, right? So some people can't afford to level up. It's hard. Yeah, but it's just like the cheapest. You don't walk in the cheapest. Well, think about, let's genuinely, let's do this. In the scope of America, most people have to buy the cheapest gas, the cheapest groceries. Am I being arrogant? A little bit.
No, not arrogant, but you're being... Am I being... I think you're forgetting... Out of touch with reality here?
I agree with you. I agree. But I'm saying most Americans have to buy... Das günstigste Gas, das günstigste Essen, das günstigste alles, um ihre Leben durchzuführen.
Ich weiß, du sprichst... Weil ich möchte, dass sie, weißt du was ich meine, zumindest überleben. Ich stimme dazu, aber ich denke, dass die meisten Menschen das nicht können. Ich denke, das ist der Schwachsinn. Ich denke, dass manche Leute das nicht interessiert. Ich denke, dass die meisten Pferde nichts mit ihren Pferden zu tun haben. Sie lieben ihre Pferde.
Das ist der Grund, warum es so einen Ort gibt, der nahe meinem alten Haus ist. Ein Ort für Pferde. Ein Ort für Pferde. Ja, ja. Das ist so teuer. Ich bin da einmal reingegangen und dachte mir, das ist verdammt furchtbar. Es war wie ein... Ich liebe es dort. ... 2-Pound-Bag von Essen für etwa 80 Dollar. Ich dachte mir, was zum Teufel hast du da zu essen?
Sie sind wie, wir füllen die Filete mit der Hand. Ja, das machen sie. Das ist verrückt.
You got the fanciest sushi in LA for your cat?
Nicht wahr. Ja. Nicht generalisieren mit Weißen, weil ich das nicht mache und er das nicht macht. Du weißt, aber es ist wie... Nicht mit Weißen machen. Nur Menschen. Wie ist das dann? Willst du es dort nehmen?
Das ist eine gute Fantasie-Football-Punsch. Du verlierst in deiner Fantasie-Liga. Du musst schlafen in der Bettung von 101 Jungs. Zoom ein bisschen. Das ist schrecklich. Wer ist das Orgie?
If you're gonna do cat, we eat them. Time out. Don't go eat them. We don't eat them. Really?
Well, you're talking about a global population here, buddy. Do Asians eat animals?
Rudy, do people still eat dogs in the Philippines? We have talked about this before. In like rural. Rural, thank you. And yet it happens.
In South Korea, they still haven't passed that bill.
Congratulations. In 2024. In three fucking years.
They're so good. Look at them right there. Oh, is that a fillet? Oh my God, look at them. It's all dark meat.
Look, you can't generalize and say all whites.
Thank you. I'll take mine back too then. Yeah.
Thank you. Okay. But I know there's no people that have pets as squirrels.
No, they keep them outside and they feed them every day.
I guess. That's what I would do. I would assume that golfers come from the same farm and some of them are just packaged for Air One.
That's it. Then we need to do Bad Friends visits a farm.
Sie sind so süß. Sie sind so süß. Ich weiß. Nein, guck. Okay, gehen wir zurück. Gehen wir zurück. Ich bewahre mein Kind. Die erste Person, die ich in meinem Haus küsse, wenn ich aufstehe.
How much is it going to cost? Some people can afford it. I'm lucky that I can afford it. I'm lucky. I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I'm able to do that. Carlos' dog goes to the vet and it costs him two grand or something like that. He's in some shit. He's calling us. Would you pay it?
Can dogs not eat grapes? I don't think it was grapes. What was it? Grapes. The number of grapes can be lethal to a dog depends on the dog's weight. But the general rule of thumb is that one grape per 10 pounds of body weight is potentially dangerous. Why? Grapes and raisins cause acute kidney failure in dogs. What? What? Ich meine, mein Hund isst keine Gräber. Jetzt weißt du. Das ist verrückt.
You should have taken them out. Three days of suffering.
You drown them. What? Yeah, you drown them. I'm sorry. You drown them. Excuse me? You drown them. You take that bird, you go to your pool and You drown them. What? Are you serious? No, I'm kidding. That's insane.
Yes, you are. She's actually very hot. I'm blue-chewing it. She's pretty hot. But you know what's so crazy about this? You just called me out a week ago about this, about being a clean freak. You know me. I'd be waiting in line for the gangbang, cleaning up after everybody. Oh, I know. Guys, please don't leave all this stuff. Especially if it's at your house? Oh, please. Oh, my God.
No, but my dog... That's insane. My dog has come back with different rodency things or whatever. But you gotta get rid of it. Because it's suffering. It's crazy. It's awful when dogs do this. It's a bummer, but when they're living... Just those three days with the bird, it's like...
Ich kenne keine Pferde, also weiß ich nicht. Ich habe ein paar. Ich habe vier oder fünf von denen in der Schule.
Weißt du, wer es ist? Dieser Schauspieler.
And the beauty, her name is Ed, is one of the funniest things on earth.
He falls in love with a woman. Dude, Holly Hunter kills that movie. Because Ed is such a beautiful, like, guy, guy's name. Look at Nicolas Cage, how young. Weißt du das Konzept dieses Films? Sie können kein Kind haben, und so entscheiden sie, dass sie jemanden's Baby stehlen werden, der von Rechten verletzt wird.
Du musst das sehen. Okay? Aber du solltest für deinen Test studieren, bevor du einen anderen Film siehst. Ja, ja, ja. Also können wir dich zuerst durch die Schule bringen?
Yeah, please, because I don't want you to fail after all the work you put in. When you think about it, she started this show as a senior in high school. I can't believe it. And now you're graduating college.
It really makes me sad. It makes me sad, too. Because we're closer to death. That's all that you and I are doing.
We're crawling towards death. There's death. Hey, we're on our way. And she's about to just grow into a fun adult life of fun and freedom.
That's why we don't host gangbangs anymore. Wait, so she's an OnlyFans-Girl? Her name is Lily Phillips? Yeah. So 101 guys in one day. Is this at least a record? Nein, da ist kein Weg.
No, no, you're not. Ich bin. Nein, kleine Menschen sind 1.000 Jahre alt. Er lebt für immer. Er lebt sieben Leben. Ja. Wir haben keine Ahnung, wie alt sie sind.
Well, here's the problem. This isn't apples to apples. Weißt du, was ich meine? Lass das nicht. Es ist wie eine Zucchini-De-Pere. Lass das nicht. Nein, weil... Lass das nicht. Er kümmert sich um sich selbst. Warum? Er übt. Ich bin gestern so lange heimgegangen.
Kann ich dir etwas als Freund empfehlen? Bitte geh nicht in die Dunkelheit. Wenn du fallst oder schläfst oder etwas Schlechtes passiert, wer wird dich denn holen? Das ist das, was ich möchte.
Weißt du, was ich meine? Weirde Leute. Oder, ja, was ist mit Weirdos? Was ist mit jemandem, der wartet, um dich zu töten? Oh, ja. Ich meine, bitte nicht nachts hiken. Warum?
Ich habe Alpha-Dog gesehen. Ich weiß, was passiert, wenn du nachts hikst. Du endest in einem Pferd.
Bitte nicht nachts hiken. Okay. Ich bin für dein Wohlsein besorgt. Aber willst du während des Tages mit mir hiken? Ich würde gerne hiken gehen. Ich würde gerne. Es gibt einen Hiking-Hill direkt neben unseren Häusern.
And I come back down. I appreciate that. I respect that. I would love to hike with you, but I totally understand that. That's fine. Is there a gym by your house? Because I want to join a gym. Right down the street from you there's a gym. What's it called? Equinox. Equinox. You know. It's two miles from your home. Yeah. That's right down the road. You want to be able to walk to the gym?
You want something dirty. Well, it's nowhere near your home.
Yeah, I was trying to... You know what? I got it, Bob. I got you. There is an old sitcom line that you should... that speaks exactly to you about what we're talking about. Dynamite. No, that one's definitely not. That's not it? No, there is an old one that I gotta tell you. It's perfect for this to fucking teach you about this world.
Wait, what sitcom is that? Family Matters. That's fucking... Steve Urkel. That's Steve Urkel. That's one of his catchphrases? Did I do that? I don't know if that is. What? Are you insane? Did I do that?
Okay. Where did you fucking grow up? You don't know Did I do that? I never saw that one. Steve Urkel.
Yeah, even the Spaniard fucking knows it. You're not the Google, I believe you. But you made me think that I'm wrong. Did I do that?
Da ist er, ja. Das ist ein Charakter, bei dem ich mir sicher bin, in diesem heutigen Zeitpunkt, würde man sagen, es fühlt sich so an, als ob wir einen solchen Charakter betrachten. Wenn du diesen Charakter auf einem TV-Show geschrieben hättest, würde man sagen, ich weiß nicht, ob wir das machen können.
Ich würde es fucking hoffen. Was? 101 Jungs, ich wünschte, du würdest es beenden.
You got it, bud. Go toward the light. Emanuel Lewis. Yes. Got it. Webster. Yes, Webster.
It's so funny, I saw him. He used to call you?
Ich liebe das Café. Ja, und ich würde sagen, nein, Alter. Warum nicht? Ich habe nie mit ihm zusammengehalten. Ich habe das Ding gelesen, das war verdammt verrückt. Es sollte, es tut es wirklich, Alter, du solltest es probieren. Das ist ein Trick.
Nein, nein, das ist ein Trick, den ich versuche zu machen. Ist das, wenn du morgens wachst, anstatt deine Zähne mit deiner rechten Hand zu brüllen, mach es mit deiner linken. Und dann, wenn du in den Schlaf gehst, anstatt deiner normalen Schlafroutine zu machen, was ist das erste, was du in der Schlafe waschst?
Richtig. Also anstelle von deinem Rücken, mach deine Füße zuerst. Und dann schaltest du die Ohren. Warum lachtest du an deinem Rücken? Das ist einfach seltsam.
Das ist nicht so. Du bist verdammt seltsam.
Der Kopf ist zu Ende. Nein. Was? Der Kopf ist zu Ende.
So you'll feed your dogs high-end food, but you're using axe on your body?
Was meinst du mit Sacken? Singular. Du hast mehr als einen Sack?
I first get in there and I lube up the loofah. I've got my nice little loofah. How do you get your back with a loofah? What do you mean? It's on a stick. Oh. You don't have a loofah stick? No. Oh, it's fantastic. It's actually my favorite. Because after you're done loofing, you can flip the stick around and put it right up your ass. Yeah. Love. Okay.
Rühre es tief in den Rücken. Ich weiß nicht, ob ich es brauche.
Es hat nichts mit Muskeln zu tun. Diese Haut ist nie auf deinem Rücken ausgeschlossen. Du musst nicht auf deinem Rücken ausgeschlossen sein. Ich mache den Lufa-Stick. Ich mache Sand-Angels. Ja, ja. Ja.
Wow. Vor der Linie. Was? Oh, they got it. Let's go.
Okay, das ist viel. Das ist viel. Ja, ja. Und dann bin ich am Ende mit der oberen Hälfte, mit Gesicht und Haar. Ja, Jules, Jules.
Oh, eigentlich, weißt du was? Ich habe verletzt. Das erste, was ich tue, ist, meine Zähne in den Schauer zu bruschen. Brust du deine Zähne in den Schauer?
Ja, ich auch. Ich tue keine. Du hast nie deine Zähne bruscht. Nein. Lass mich sehen. Sieht gut aus. Ja, ja. Let's get a hands. Who brushes their teeth in the shower? Oh, wow. Not me. See, some people don't like it. I don't like it. It's perfect.
I pee in the shower too. He poops in the shower. I don't poo in the shower. That's insane. We did a whole episode about it. You smushed the poop down the drain. You talked about it. One time. One fucking time. One time too many times. One time too many times. I did it a month ago.
I get it. No, you should. Okay. Do not poop in the shower. Do not poop in the shower.
Because then the water, it's going to... Okay, because I need a mirror when I brush my teeth. What are you looking at? So you can go...
Ich habe mein Handy. Ich habe mein Handy. Ich habe mein Handy. Ich habe mein Handy.
So hygienisch, du leckst deinen Körper und auch deine Mund nicht. Vielleicht hast du recht, aber ich würde es nie machen. Ich denke, du solltest es versuchen. Okay, bitte. Ich möchte wissen, wie Andres es macht, aber ich weiß, dass es wirklich seltsam und furchtbar wird. Wie machst du deinen Schauer?
Startest du oben und gehst runter? Ja. Wow, immer? Ja, immer. Okay, Carlos, was ist deine Schauerroutine?
Es ist viel wie bei Rudis. Du magst Baden, oder? Weil du das Wasser auf deinem Klett hast. Ich mag Baden. Ich liebe Baden. Ich auch. Wer nicht?
Oh no, it's actually the aromatics that's good for you. Really? It's supposed to calm you down. I gotta pick all the shit up. You have someone clean your fucking house for you. You don't do that. She's right there. She gave herself garbage. Yeah, when's the last time you cleaned my house?
It's too much. Is it? I got a new person. You did? Yeah. One person or more than one? It's a cabal of Hispanics. It's a cabal? A cabal of Hispanics. Wow. Just one pickup truck, 35 Hispanics. And they're amazing. Yeah? Yeah. Where did you find these people?
Okay. I have a woman that I'm dearly, dearly in love with. Well, then why did you ask me? In case she doesn't want to do it anymore. What if she stops one day? Dude, this woman is so fucking beautiful and nice. Ich mache gerade keine Comedy-Geräusche. Sie ist so eine wunderschöne Person. Ihr Herz ist so wunderschön. Sie geht in die Tür und spielt mit dem Hund. Sie sagt, mein Freund, mein Freund.
Und sie singt mit dem Hund und spielt mit dem Hund. Es macht meine Seele so glücklich, wenn ich sie sehe. Und sie ist immer in einem guten Mood. Und ich habe ihr mehrere Mal gesagt, Ich habe gesagt, du weißt, wenn du willst, dass ich dir Essen bekomme oder du willst essen oder was auch immer, was auch immer du in der Wohnung haben kannst, immer, was auch immer. Ich habe sie nie gegessen.
Ich habe sie nie Wasser getrunken gesehen. Sie ist nie in den Kühlschrank gegangen. Nie. Ich bin immer so, du weißt, du kannst jeden von den Füßen im Kühlschrank haben. Du kannst alles tun, was du willst.
Weißt du, Gail, aber tust du das? Ich bin in einem Jewelry-Store gegangen und habe ein paar leichte Däumchen gekauft. Das ist das, was du tun musst. Und ich nehme einfach Däumchen. Das ist verrückt. Nein, aber sie ist so, es ist so, sie ist so ehrlich. Wenn sie von mir genommen hat, ich kümmere mich nicht um sie. Sie ist so eine gute Person, wenn sie, wenn ich sie gefangen habe. Ja.
Yeah. So wait a minute, dude. Look, I just did the math because I'm stupid. 101 guys in 14 hours. 7 guys an hour. 7 an hour. Wow. That's almost 2 guys every 15 minutes. So they are... Yeah. It must have sounded like a construction zone next door. Yeah. People would have been like, what's going on over there?
Und sie war so, ich stehle das. Okay.
Okay, this is not the same scenario. You're an idiot. You should have taken the $5 bill. Really? In the wild, yes. In the wild, yes. Money in the wild?
Oh yeah, sometimes they do that, right? I know, but what would be the... Was there anybody around you?
Yeah, you're done. Yeah, yeah. What would you do? That's the name of the show. Yeah. It's called John Quinones, What Would You Do, right? Isn't that what it's called? What Would You Do? Yeah. What Would You Do? If I saw that, yeah, that's what it's called. What Would You Do? Yeah, that's what it is. Literally the show we're talking about. What Would You Do? Honestly, I'm so aloof in public.
Me too. I'm probably just walking by.
I'm not going to stay there and take care of it.
Is there a punk that I did that went... I mean, you mean like it did well? Yeah, but they were mad, like super mad. I mean, no, I don't think there was anything that we did that... Like everything that aired kind of went... Ich würde sagen, nein, das ist nicht wahr. Es gibt so viele Leben, die du gelebt hast.
Es gibt eine, die wir in den Hildern gemacht haben und ich erinnere mich nicht, wer es war. Es war eine schlechte Idee. Ich erinnere mich nicht an die Frau. Ich erinnere mich nicht. Wir waren in den Hildern und... I was pretending like I was lost and they were house-sitting. And I pretended like I was a guy who was just lost in the hills and my car died.
And somehow we figured out a way to get me inside of the home. And this woman thought she was trapped with the Hitchhike Killer or something like that. It was fucked. It was such a bad bit. It was so stupid and so overblown. This woman was on the phone with her mother, just bawling, crying. And they never aired that either.
No, no, no. No, I mean the Arab ones are, you know, like Efron hitting an old woman. We hit an old woman with a car, a stuntwoman. Oh, you knew Zac Efron then? That's the first time I met him. Wow. Yeah, that was the first time I met that guy.
Well, first of all, I was a kid, I was an actor on Punk that no one... und die Leute wussten noch nicht, dass ich das gemacht habe.
Weißt du, was so lustig ist? Hier bin ich mit dem Film gedreht. Nein, nein, hör mal, wie lustig das ist. Hier bin ich mit dem Film gedreht, ein Fernsehshow gedreht, es geschrieben und als Schauspieler in dem Film gedreht. Ja. Ich arbeite im Studio und ich habe mich jedes Monat über Renten überrascht. Das ist verrückt. Ich war so überrascht. Ja.
Es gab einen Monat, in dem ich fast keinen Renten bezahlt habe. Ja. Weil ich so wenig Geld von dem Show bezahlt wurde.
Es war nicht eine Woche, es war ein Episode. Du wurdest für ein Episode bezahlt.
I think it was $1,500, something like that, an episode.
And how many episodes did you do a month? Oh, no, it was not a month. In total, we only did 10 or 11. I don't even know what we did. And that was your only income? I was forced to work for the studio full-time. Like, I got put in that system, and I was working for the studio. Wow. Yeah, like, I was writing for them and all that stuff, and I was, yeah. You got ripped off. Yeah, we got cooked.
Look, if I got a terminal illness, I'm gonna tell my wife, I gotta leave you and I gotta go join this world's greatest gangbang.
Those guys were making millions of dollars. We were fucking... I mean, that's Hollywood. That's what they do. My Mad TV was $4,500 a week. That's great. Yeah. That's really good money. But you only got four the first year. What do you mean?
And you can't do anything else. Yeah, and they hold you.
It's weird to be on TV and people from home being like, dude, you're on TV? I know. And you're like, I can't pay rent. I can't do anything. It's fucked. The business is fucked. You're still eating at Arby's. Arby's? What are you, rich? I know, I know. I was eating... Exactly. Maybe out of the trash can behind the Arby's. Yeah, we were at the Comedy Store.
Have you guys got any beef you're throwing away?
No, dude, are you kidding me? Free meals at comedy clubs? Oh my God. When they were like, when I would go and play those clubs, I'd be like, hey, can we get lunch and dinner here?
And they were like, what? Why? I'm like, pay for food.
You didn't get fired. Yeah, I'm a cockroach. You gotta play it smart. Yeah. Something that you don't, she doesn't have to. With her generation, she can do whatever she wants.
Wir müssen einen Weg finden, um Rudi zusammen zu machen, damit wir keine Verletzung haben.
Und das sage ich auch allen unseren Fans. Manchmal ist es so, dass wenn es vor dir steht, das Schlimmste, was passieren kann, ist, dass es nicht so funktioniert, wie du es denkst.
Wenn du es versuchst und es nicht funktioniert, dann ist alles, was passiert ist, nicht funktioniert. Es ist egal. Du verlierst nicht. Es hat einfach nicht funktioniert.
decisions that were like at the end of the day you know beneficial well and i made some failures i did a lot of failures me too i mean most of the things i did was a was not a failure most of the things i did didn't work out the way i thought they might have worked out bad sitcoms bad bad bad scripts and testing and it doesn't work it just didn't work and then you go go go until it works but not seizing the opportunity is tough and we want you to win all we care about is you winning
I think you've grown so much on this show. It is crazy. So much. Well, end the show. Tell them goodbye.
Richtig, ist alles okay? Du würdest nicht fragen? Ich wäre der erste, ich wäre der eine, der sie küsset.
Ich will nur ein bisschen vorlesen. Ein bisschen vorlesen. Die größte Gangbang der Welt war die Hollywood-Studio Annabelle Chong. Einer von uns. Schau dir das an. Oh, Annabelle Chong. 300 Männer. Oh mein Gott. Warte, warte. Das ist die beste Partie. Es sagt, die Teilnehmer waren viel weniger als veröffentlicht. Also kam sie nur zu 251. Lass uns schön sein. Das ist immer noch unglaublich. Wow.
Können wir ein Bild von Annabelle Chong sehen, bitte?
That's in 1995. And she's where? Scroll down a little bit. Where's she from? University of Southern California. She went to USC. She's from Singapore. Wow. Hey. Guess who's going to Singapore? Bobby. Annabelle, if you're still working, Bob and I are coming with the Bad Friends crew. We'd love to meet you. What does she look like now? Animal tongue now. Ich meine... Ja, ja.
Ja. Wow. Sie ist professionell bekannt als Annabelle Chong. Sie ist ein koreanischer former pornografischer Schauspieler, der sich auf einen adulten Film gefühlt hat, der mit der weltgrößten Gangbang performt wurde. Also, sie arbeitet nicht mehr, aber ich... Sie läuft irgendwo einen Shop. Sie macht wahrscheinlich nur eine Kleidungsstelle.
What? His penis is doomed to be ripped out from his body along with his intestines when he goes looking for love. So the moment he has sex, penis gone. Wow, one and done.
Chong's Dong. Hey! Wow. Jünger als du. Die Königin von Gangbang ist jünger als du. Das ist, wie du weißt, dass du älter wirst. Ja. Rudy, was ist mit dir passiert?
That's fantastic. What, that's bad? I'm clapping. That's good. No, I said that's fantastic. You have to fail in order to learn how to win. That's right.
That's what I'm saying. Okay, here you go, Bob. What's the difference between bacteria and viruses?
And I want you to lower it. No, I don't think I'm better than anybody, except for you. Sieh, das ist, was ich sage. Es ist nur du. Das ist es. Ich behandle sie sehr gut. Aber ich frage mich, warum die Audienz das gelesen hat. Es ist eine Frau. Okay. Eine Frau hat das gesagt. Und auch, übrigens, ich weiß, warum sie das gesagt hat. Was? Es ist ein schlechtes, sie ist ein schlechtes Neg.
Yeah. During the mating flight, several male bees called drones will be selected from thousands of others in their colony to mount the virgin queen bee mid-flight. So they all... Oh, so she's a skank. So she takes it from all these bees. They give it to her and then they die.
I love you, Ruud. You know what? Let me say this. Oh, here we go. I'll say this. I love our fans more than anything. I thank them graciously. It means the world to me. People may think that I'm like shut down or cold, but if you know me, you know I'm not. I just have a demeanor that has so much trauma. and damage that I just feel a little blank sometimes. So people don't know.
I would love to say hi and smile at you, but when I walk around town, maybe I look a little... And that's because I'm a broken, shattered dude.
Well, because here's the deal. Little boy. You're light. Are you lost? You are a bright, beautiful light.
And mine is comedy from a very, kind of like a very, like planted space. Sure. And you're a more, you are a bright, shiny star. Like Napoleon. You know what I am? Okay. I am a, you have to dig for me. I'm a gem, but you have to dig for me. Okay. Du musst da rein. Du, weißt du, wer du bist? Ja. Deine Bio... Was ist das? Biolumineszenz? Weißt du, wenn das Meer nachts glänzt? Ja. Das bist du. Danke.
Ja, und es ist ein Kompliment. Ich sage nur, ich bin auch ein Gem. Ich bin einfach anders. Du musst ein bisschen für mich suchen. Das ist das, was uns so wundervoll macht.
I'm not like you. I don't want to open my hole to everybody like you. You know what happens to the people that open their hole all the time to everybody? They end up in fucking huge gangbangs. And then they're immortalized forever as the gangbang queen. So guess what? From now on, you, my friend, you're queen bee. You're the queen bee of this show. You're the queen bee.
By the way, we had so many people at the live show that came and asked to see your butthole and or your penis. But what bothers me is these guys. It's always these brazen men. Show me your butthole and your penis. And then I say, will you show Bobby your butthole and your penis? Yeah, that's a fair exchange. Exactly. And they get so creeped out. Yeah. As if that's crazy to go.
You asked for his butthole. Show him your butthole. Fair is fair. Am I wrong?
I didn't like it. That guy got weird about it. He was like, that's fucking weird.
Well, dude. Party with us or don't. I felt a little, I will say, I had a moment of true vulnerability that I played off for comedy when you kissed that guy in the front row.
Und dann hat er etwas anderes gesagt, du hast etwas anderes über ihn gesagt, und ich habe gesagt, nein, jetzt kann ich deine Frau oder deine Freundin küssen. Oh, das ist richtig, das ist richtig. Um einen Joke zu machen. Und sie wollte es. Sie wollte es. Warum hast du es nicht gemacht? Nein, danke. Ich will nicht, dass ich seine Frau küssen will. Ja.
Aber sie war so, ja, und er war so, ja, sie kann. Ich war so, nein, nein, nein, nein, ich kann nicht. Das war ein Joke. Kann ich? Und sie hat gesagt, ja, und du hast es nicht gemacht.
Er ist ein echter, ja, wir haben, schau, ich bin cool, wenn wir ein paar Kuck-Fans haben. Ja. Ich bin für Kuckerei. Das ist, was Rudy wirklich möchte, dass es in ihrer Beziehung passieren kann. Weißt du, in der Zeit, als sie Black und White hatten.
Oh. Is that her name, Queen Bee? It should be. Wait a minute, there's a woman who's banged 101 men, what? What? In her lifetime?
Guck dir das an. Ich meine, die Farbe ist besser. Ja. Nein, das ist nicht so. Nein, das weiße ist, wenn du deinen Pinsel in der Mitte drückst. Ja, ja. Aber stell dir vor... Das ist so schrecklich. Das ist ein Teil unserer fucking Geschichte. Die Geschichte, Alter. Sie würden nicht Wasser mit Blacken teilen. Das ist so fucking verrückt.
They would sell out. Yeah. That's a Green Book. The whole movie was about that. Not being able to perform in certain places. Green Mile or Green Book? Green Mile was a totally different movie. Green Book. Green Book won an Academy Award with... Academini? Academini Award. It wasn't a full-size one. Yeah. Was ist sein Name? Viggo Morgensen und Mahershala Ali. Hast du den Film noch nie gesehen?
Nein. Oh mein Gott. Du bist in deiner Jazz-Ära? Er tourte das Land und Viggo Morgensen war sein Fahrer. Oh nein, das habe ich nicht gesehen. Do you know it though? Really? You're a movie guy. It won an Academy Award. There's so many movies though, dude. No, no, this won an Academy Award. Really? You saw every Academy Award movie? I think I've seen every movie that's won an Academy Award.
Ordinary people. Yes, seen it. Name one. There's no Academy Award movie I've never seen. Kramer vs. Kramer. Yeah, dude. I've seen Kramer vs. fucking Kramer. What's it about? Kramer. Saying the N-Word at the Laugh Factory. What's it about? What is Kramer vs. Kramer about? It's a court case film. About what? About Kramer vs. Kramer. But what is it? Kramer, dude. You never saw it? No, I never saw it.
No, people did die. A few people did die.
Yeah. The cars. Yeah. A few people around. No one on the boat died. And all the containers were safe, by the way.
Well, it's whatever you want to do today, man. I heard that you had so much fun without me, you don't want me on the show anymore.
Did you have any XXL? Did you ever go down that road? Anybody heavy?
She liked you for who you really were.
My little... I used to fuck that guy.
Nick! Nicotine pouches! You heard us talking about Nick before. Right here, baby. Taking nicotine pouches to the next level. These are the pouches that we be using over here at Batman.
They got citrus ice, berry, lemon ice, spearmint, and winter...
It's a step above any other pouch because they use the best ingredients for a cleaner, more refined experience. And we're refined.
That's pretty great. If you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products or vape, NICT flavors hit just right. Okay. Some of these pouches that we've got here right in front of you, very, very good, crisp mint, by the way. The Tropical Ice is probably the most favorite. Everyone wants to grab one of those when they come through the studio.
So it's time to upgrade to Nicked Nicotine Pouches just like we did.
That's nykdpouches.com. And you can use this code up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com. and check out the Bad Friends bundle with our favorite flavors. That's nickpouches.com slash badfriends. Nick Pouches are only for adults of legal age and every order's age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. DraftKings Sportsbook.
Hey, when it comes to college basketball and March Mania, one thing is for sure, nothing is for sure. That's right, upsets, buzzer beaters, Cinderella's advancing, going to the dance, top seeds going home early. It's all going to happen. You're going to see it. We've already seen some top teams get knocked off in the last couple of nights, some upsets. It's been tough and rough for some of us.
You can bet on the unexpected, that's for sure. Every day you can do this with DraftKings Sportsbook. With live betting, exclusive content, promos, and parlays, DraftKings is the ultimate college basketball destination for March. First time, here's something special just for you. New DraftKings customers bet $5. You can bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. Come on, friends.
Look, my old man with the University of Tennessee, they are humming along this year. I got a couple of shekels on University of Tennessee. I'm not saying you should do that. I'm saying that's what I'm doing. Not telling you how to bet. Just telling you where I'll be putting my bets. Bet the unexpected with DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code BADFRIENDS.
Doesn't seem like it. Seemed like you would have done the pod with him if you loved him so much.
That's code BADFRIENDS for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just $5. Only on DraftKings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for Robin Gambling. Call 888-788-GAMBLER. Or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas 21+.
Agent eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. New customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms or responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.
She was clawing at the door. Yeah. And you hear it like a dog smelling you under the door.
Have you ever been embarrassed? When you step on the scale, have you ever been like, Jesus, Dan.
Sweet seasons, do you never had a sweet season when you quit doing drugs and alcohol? You're not really a sweets guy. You like, what is it, savory over sweet, right?
Really? I don't know you'd eat a lot of sweets. Whenever we get dessert.
You do secret sweetie pie? Yeah, I do.
Oh, I did. I brought you along. That's right.
You like the savory stuff and then when we get dessert, you'll take a bite. But you're not like a... You know the reason why I take a bite?
I'm a savory guy, dude. Late night, I want a food food.
I mean, I still like having a little bit of sweet tooth thing. When we go out to eat, I always have a little bit of dessert.
I love F-Z-Z-N-Y. Yeah, yeah. They got some good shit.
No, no. I heard the grapevine. You guys were talking. No. Yeah. We can bring up the clips. We have them. Dude. Bring them up. Oh, the chair.
And you go, could be though. Yeah, yeah, could be. Always could be. Dr. Lee, this is a dentist office. He's got stomach cancer. I can tell. Sorry. Soder, I think would be. Thank you. Here we go. You'd be a laborer of some kind. I could see you.
I could see you getting tied up with Ringling Brothers and you assembling part of the tents and also announcing stuff.
And then it's back to the railroads. Yeah. You know him.
Everybody needs fame. No, okay. How about this? You're missing a few key points, by the way. You go to the Midwest. You go to the Midwest. You see beautiful women with big guys' guys.
I gotta tell you something right now.
I'm over here saving you from a war.
I see it. I'm tired of being bullied by you after you just went after him and then Shane Gillis.
You're bullying me. You're bullying me, dude. This is fascinating. You're a 100% bully. I'm being honest. You're mad that the Soho thing didn't land and then you bullied Shane Gillis.
What? Can I say something? I know what this is. I'm so sorry. Something happened on the Burt tour between you guys that's unresolved.
You busted your lip. On the tour bus. On the tour bus, yeah.
Yeah. I went for a nighttime walk. I go for a nighttime walk a lot. And I go for a nighttime walk in the same little stretch area by my neighborhood. And this homeless guy must have heard me like talking on the phone. And he yelled out, I live here.
and i and i felt bad i was like sorry yeah so i said sorry where does he stay like there's so like by the la river but there's like a walking path and people there's like tents that are up underneath tucked under you can't see them yeah and but he's right he does live there i was talking loud the thought of him and i apologized the thought of him and makeshift reading glasses reading the back of a label and him going will you shut the
I'm reading. He's mixing chemicals. I live here.
He did call the cops and get him removed.
Well, he doesn't see them now in New York. They're all hibernating.
By the way, that's Encino Man. We just did the movie Encino Man. Don't, don't, don't.
That was funny. I mean, it didn't make me laugh at all, but it was very funny.
oh you would love it brendan frazier you got adam sandler sandler dude shimmy so these three guys are like they're they're a shitty band and they badly want to get on the on the radio back when like if you get your record played once it was like you were home free on a radio yeah and they decide they're gonna hijack a local radio station because they just can't get any fucking radio play and it's basically die hard at a radio station yeah that's amazing it's
But you root for them because they're so downtrodden. Let's remake Airheads. This is us, by the way. Soder is obviously Frazier. You're the tallest. I'm Sandler. And you're Buscemi.
I want to be a Mogwai. You are a fucking Mogwai.
It's pitch perfect. It's also because that childhood fantasy of like neighborhood play. I don't even know if people do that. I don't know if kids do that, like go to the woods.
Yeah. It is funny that, like, it was such a not big, there were kids that I knew growing up whose parents were real, real, like, loosey-goosey, you know?
You know where she is. She's at the casino anyway, man. She's up in Blackhawk.
Never. First of all, no. And if I did, is it on tape?
You never got a swirly in real life. What? You never got a swirly.
Freshman year sounds like exactly what happened.
Well, you hear teachers like, is Bobby Lee in there? That's so funny. Yeah, yeah.
You're doing it again. I don't know why you're doing it.
Wow. Yeah, I'm willing to do it. You know, it's hard to bring down the king when you're a rook. Damn. Did you just write that? Yeah.
Oh, they told me why they didn't ask. Because it was a strict timeline they had to keep and they were like, will Bob be on time this thing? I said, no, no chance.
That's not true. They didn't ask anybody.
No, they don't. That's a terrible fucking idea.
Okay. Sometimes it's a knock, knock, and I say knock, knock.
That's exactly right. Shopify is home with the number one checkout on the planet. And by the way, when you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, Sure, you think that's a great product, a cool brand, brilliant marketing, yada, yada, yada.
But often overlooked, the secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling for shoppers and buying very simple for millions of businesses. That business is Shopify.
That is so much. That means way less carts are going to go abandoned and way more sales going. Cha-ching through the roof. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Allbirds or Allo uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash bad friends. That's all lowercase.
Shopify.com slash bad friends. Manscaped! Hey, spring cleaning isn't just for finally throwing out that orange mustard-colored hoodie that I just can't let go because my nana gave it to me when I was a kid, okay? It's time to reset your grooming routine because, let's face it, your downstairs situation, that basement, huh? It's looking anything like Bobby's diet.
It's wild and unkempt and concerning. It's time for a serious trim. Manscaped Beard and Balls Bundle has you covered from cheeks to hell. Even that little patch of hair Bobby still calls a mustache. You spent all winter looking like Andres if he let Bobby give him a haircut or if I went on a bender down in Key West. It's time to clean up.
Join over 12 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped and use the code BADFRIENDS for 20% off plus free shipping to Manscaped.com. We've talked about Manscaped on this show so much, man. with the all-in-one grooming, the Beard Hedger. Keeps my beard looking crisp like a bloomed flower, fresh in the spring, in the sun. Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra clears out the underbrush. That's what I use downstairs.
That's what cleans up, huh? I no longer have carpet down there. They don't match the drapes. It's hardwood floors, ladies and germs. They got SkinSafe technology. You're not going to nick your nuts. I've told you that because I used to do that. You remember when you nicked your nuts in the shower? Unbelievable. Looked like a scene from Psycho. Now they got precision lighting in the lawnmower.
Comes with an LED spotlight. You can ensure you're getting every crevasse down there. Travel friendly and risk-free trial from Manscaped offers a 30-day money-back guarantee. You can try the beards and balls bundle completely risk-free. Come on, what are you waiting for? Don't cut corners on your grooming routine. Upgrade the beard and balls bundle from Manscaped. Visit Manscaped.com.
Use the code BADFRIENDS to get 20% off plus free shipping. Or if you need it today, you can find Manscaped at a store near you. Stay fresh this season for everyone's sake. Level up your grooming game today.
No, no. Who's the other person you want to throw a stone at?
Hey, what do you want to be when you grow up?
He doesn't talk to anybody that much. Bill is a very quiet. I don't like that. You wanted him to be more chatty? More chatty. Bill Burr to be more chatty.
That's legitimately a shot fired. Okay. Is it not? Am I crazy?
Okay, here we go. I know. He's hosting SNL. That doesn't look Shane Gillis sleeping.
Bingo. There he is. I will say this. You are my best friend and I love you so much. I'm going wrong. I cannot wait for him to come back at you. Like it's fucking.
I'm loving whatever's going on. I'm going to say this.
gilly all right what up bro i want to tell you you're on the pod and we can cut it for sure because i never want to trap you but sodas over here right now sodas sodas in studio uh the man and bobby is over here he's on a hot one he's talking shit about you and we all we warned him and i said i'm not talking shit about you dude go ahead and say it dude go ahead and say we got to say to shane gillis say it i just said that you're one of the top comics on planet earth you're one of the kings no what else i know your dad i know your dad and i have great respect for you
See that, dude? He throws you a compliment. You insult my friend. Shane, what are you doing? Oh, my God. I feel so bad now. That's the kind of guy Gillis is. Thank you, Shane. Thank you, Shane. Love you, buddy. Talk to you later.
Tell him he's fucking dead. Let me see it. Fucking dead. Told you.
I mean, I have a fantasy of just kind of getting out. You know what it is, dude? Yeah. This is like one of those Hollywood stars, where are they now? And this will be a grainy flashback to when it all started to plummet.
The color slowly fades. It goes black.
It's just punched in on you right now, contemplating.
Absolutely. And that's my bad. We can start anew.
I don't care. It was actually kind of funny.
I loved it. I actually thought it was very funny. Someone sent me the clip. I was like, that's pretty funny.
Yeah, that was a big point of contention. Two things. One, I did say to Carlos, I made him do Simon Says before the show because I think he was stoned. And I asked him and he's trying to tell me he's not, but I looked into his eyes. You look into his eyes.
Okay, dude. Yeah. That's crazy. That's pretty good. That was a 180 to a 180. We're right back where we started.
Why haven't you jerked off in five days?
Five days? Yeah. Five days is a pretty good amount of time.
Day four is when I start to get a little itchy.
Five days though, you gotta empty it out, man.
A guy getting into a fight with another guy would be like, brother, I'm just this way because I'm horny.
I know you called me about this. We talked.
Yeah, he's Tucson. He doesn't know Phoenix as well.
That's like one of the... Why would I go there?
You do a lot of shows. Connecticut has some of the best pizza.
Or the people that went to the club?
Maybe he had something going on. He could have had full balls. No, no, no. What if that guy had full balls?
Well, maybe he had full balls twice.
Well, okay. Let's rank. How about this? This is even more, because we got in a good debate about donuts the other week.
Oh, you are a little secret sweet boy, huh? I'm pretty loud. I'm pretty raging.
Mm-hmm. We brought them into the studio one time. Sidecar.
We're a donut. See, that's what I like.
You know what these are? These are donuts. Hey, these are single moms now that have been through a divorce. That's who this donut is. It's got too much going on.
North, yeah, the good side. Yeah. Look at Kim Jong-un. He loves donuts. Does North Korea have a similar thing, like Northern Ireland has an up the rah? Does North Korea have a fucking chant or anything like that?
That's what we call you. You know what, dude? That's rude. You set me up. Yeah, yeah. Old Ferry. Old F-E-R-R-Y. Yeah, yeah. It is the best donut in LA. All right, we'll go to Old Ferry.
I want to rank this. I want to rank the corporate pizza joints where they go. Because look, everyone's got their fancy pizza joints. Give me the corporate rankings. Give me Domino's, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars. Give me fucking, Sbarro can be thrown in there. I can tell you.
I think Little C's is my favorite. What? Hot and ready, dude. Hot and ready. It's simple. It's simple Little C's cheese is fine for me.
Dude, I like the hot and ready. Just it saved me for a long time in my 20s, financially. I think if you ate it now, you would think differently. Because we don't have that pizza now. That's the problem. I haven't eaten anything like that in a long time.
I've never seen, we're in Echo Park. Yeah. Not fucking going over there.
We keep talking about it. They might end up sponsoring the show. So I went to- Pizza, pizza.
It's good just for that special occasion. We don't eat it on the regular.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't mean you should do it. I thought you were clean, clean, clean. I thought we were all out.
No, you eat it once in a great while. It's cake.
There wasn't any bugs on it? No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no cardboard on it. If you shave some tree bark on this, it will be good.
Can I introduce some tree bark? Yeah.
Of course they didn't eat it. That's not in their flavor profile. They like spicy. That pizza's a thick, doughy cake pizza.
Oh, you're saying they didn't even want to try it.
What did they end up wanting? They wanted Jollibee, right? Yeah. They love Jollibee, dude.
But they fucking live and die by this. So much so that like... Yeah, that's Jollibee.
You know Benny Blanco? That's their spaghetti.
It's fucking wild. Benny Blanco did a video of a food review, I think, at his house, and he caught so much shit from Filipino fans for just being like, this isn't good.
But it's so funny how this is like their shit.
What were you on in Australia in the alley? Marijuana. That's it? And you lied to me.
Yeah. That's what it is. I don't know.
I know, but you go to a good spot that serves a good Guinness. There's a couple of good Guinness spots because that's my beer. I don't really drink beer, but if I'm going to have a beer, I'm drinking that.
You cut off his story, but yeah. What's up? What's going on? Are you going to call him bloated too? Finish your story.
I love it. See, when he finishes it, we should have cut it off. This guy, dude, you're a little hot topic. I almost need you to go to the bathroom.
Isn't that great when something like that changes your fucking life?
The first time I made enough money to buy like a new laptop, like a real one, I didn't watch porn on it. I was so scared.
For years, I was like so afraid. I was like, no, it's going to fuck it up. And this is the first one I could afford, so no, I'm not going to fuck it up.
And then you're like, oh, you can watch porn on this thing? That's all I wanted. And now that's all it is for.
I'm not famous. What are you talking about?
You seem to think all the people I hang out with are Asian. I didn't get an accent in all episode. I figured I had to do it now because we talked about it. Okay, okay.
I didn't know who this guy was before he walked in the door.
First time I played the Mall of America. Yeah. House of Comedy. Dude, maybe 20 people. Maybe. And that's like a 500 seat room.
That was pretty cool. It was really cool. That one hurt a lot, though. The mall. Because you walk into. It's a big room, too. And you have to walk into the mall before you go to a club, which hurts you twice. It's also top floor. Yeah, you have to pass. You have to go up escalators and elevators.
By the way, it's an orange Julius now. I'm just kidding.
And I can see an image of me, like a Paul Thomas Anderson shot of me going down the escalator when it's over, passing the guy at Journey's, turning off the lights. Shutting the cage? Yeah, like... Yeah, dude, it hurts so much when you have to do that, but it makes you a great comic. And to piggyback what you're saying, not to be a sappy fuckhead, but I thank every set now.
I've been thanking the fans, and I did it every night of the special because it does mean the world to me that they show up. I think it's so dope that they come out. Dude, it never has made me go, yep, knew it. Every time I go out, I go, wow, dude, thank you. Unreal. Amazing. But there's a couple of comics we know, you know, that are like, I knew it was gonna be this way.
That's like if any regular person at your regular job at home, whatever job that you work, if someone treated you poorly in your customer route and then you started doing well on some other version of your job and then those customers wanted to come back, you'd be like, get fucked.
Yeah, because what he's saying also can happen to you. You may decide, so what, dude? I'm going to be San Bernardino sober and just have one pill.
They used to be good to me, by the way. I'm not saying not changed, but when I was doing those house comedies in Bronson's rooms, they were always good to me.
I was fucking eating. I'll tell you why though. From a socioeconomic standpoint, you're not that kind of, that's not your crowd. No. Yeah, this is like retirees. This is a lot of like old couples. Oh my God. Yeah, this is.
What were you doing to me? You come back and you're like. Hold on to those things.
Plug it, by the way. Are you playing the school?
I have zero interest. One day I want to play ASU. I don't know why, because I think Schwartzen played there when I was in school.
Apparently you guys were talking a lot of shit when I wasn't here. That's what I heard. You don't know yourself? I heard you guys talking a lot of shit while I wasn't here. Not even here to defend myself, you guys are talking. It's interesting. Uh-huh. Because when people talk behind your back to me, I always defend you. I say, he's not here to defend himself. Don't say that stuff about him.
We're doing 26 tops. Yeah. Bring up Soty's dates. If you want to see Dan Soter on tour, he's on tour right now here in February, March, April, May. He's over at Balboa Theater down there in San Diego.
Well, go to dansoter.com if you do want to go see one of the funniest comedians we know touring across the country. We love you. Dan, look at that camera. Say thank you for being a bad friend.
I know, but they can prescribe any. I do meth, but I only smoke it. Right. That's what it sounds like.
All right, well, whatever. I'm just looking out for your well-being. I'd rather you be clean as a whistle, clear-headed.
That's not a pointing, it's not a pointing thing.
That's not true. He's not being, I know everything, Mr. Sober. He's just saying to get back on the right track and stay clean.
Yeah, you are Jedi shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're angling.
You're trapping and angling. You're leading into a corner. You're trapped.
A rat as fat as you doesn't need any more cheese. Exactly.
Had a great time in the city of Minnesota.
Well, I hope so. It was a little bit of a challenge at the beginning, finding everything the way that I wanted to find it. And also, boy, oh, boy, was I upset at my team. Shane Gillis was in town. Kevin Hart was in town. I was like, what the fuck?
Gilly played the Target Center where the Minnesota Timberwolves play, and Kevin played a big theater, like he did like four, five theaters or something, all in Minneapolis that weekend.
No, yeah, they sold out, but I'm just- What's the problem? No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, thank God Shane sells out same day. Because imagine if Shane was playing big theaters and he wasn't an act that could sell out an arena same day. Then we definitely share some audience. Do you know what I mean? Right, right. Kevin and I, definitely no crossover.
uh we joked we were like kevin was shane goes i guess you know i had to split all the whites in town i was like yeah kevin there's no competition yeah yeah but i mean thank god shane's so famous he sold out the target center the same day wow that's how famous he is like we i'm lucky we got around to it but i think it's a bummer because ticket prices are so stupid now and we can't control them anymore it sucks the promoters ticket master the venues it's disgusting what they do now and people can't go to both
People couldn't see me on Friday and see Shane on Saturday. There's no way they could afford that. I think it fucking sucks. So I wish they communicated to go, hey, this guy's in town shooting. Can we reserve this weekend? If we could, skip it or come back to it.
Oh, yeah. I understand what you're saying. Well, when you're fighting upstream, because... People can't see both. And he takes a lot. I mean, he's so famous. Shane's the best. He's the biggest. So it's, you know, you can't fight that. But anyway, it was a good weekend in Minneapolis. I love Minneapolis, although I was scared to come home once again. Because of the flights. Bro.
I had turbulence last night. But it's getting out of control. It is. Today. How many today? Another crash? No, no, no, dude. A Southwest plane almost hit a private jet today. Today. Today. Oh, my God. Look at this near miss. It's landing or taking off. It's landing, and is that it?
I know what your problems are for sure. I know what yours are. But whenever people talk about you and I hear it and I catch wind of it, I grab it. Yeah.
Yeah, the jet's right there. Look at that. It's landing, and the jet is coming. And so he took off again.
Well, no, the control tower? Yeah, yeah. The control tower? Control tower people. Control tower people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it their fault?
How is this not, do we think something's going on? Can we make up a conspiracy, please?
Okay, I have a conspiracy. Is that real? No.
You really think that? Yeah. He's one of the smartest dudes in common.
This is good. You're going to want to hear this.
And I said, you talking about my dog, dude? And they go, oh, so sorry, man. And I defend.
Something in alien airspace? Something UFO airspace? What could it be?
So your instinct is that the drones are making the planes crash. I don't know exactly the connection between that, but there's a gun instinct there.
Is that your bit? That was crazy. Is that your bit?
That's fine. That's great. Yeah. I told you what it was.
I didn't want to hear it from you if I went long. That's really... I did not want to hear your bullshit about you going... Because by the way, I did 30 minutes because I wanted to do more time. You wanted to give him the best version of the show. Oh, fancy.
What are you doing? What are you doing? We were just sailing through this... So here's the issue.
We did. Jess and I went for a long walk and saw some roos.
It was incredible. And then in Auckland, Carlos went to a brothel, which I'm sure is... Can you talk about it? Yeah, of course. We already talked about it.
Oh, less corporate. Mom and pop. Less corporate, yeah.
So there was someone else hooking up in there as well?
No, no, no. It's what I like. No, they're heavy because the...
Because you don't eat enough food? Yeah. So your stomach is eating itself. Yeah. That's bile. That's bile.
Do you ever run blood work on yourself? No, I don't do that. You've never done that? No. You honestly do that. At your age, you have to run blood work.
That's not the same thing. I'm talking about holistic. Your whole body needs to know like maybe you have allergies to something. You can have some stuff going on that you don't know. That's like what hot girls- And I'm not even talking about your breath. I'm talking about separately. You should run blood work, dude, to know what's- I'm talking about your breath. That's right.
When he says get me mints, he means the royal me.
Okay. You won't believe this. I saw him put a mint in his mouth and it jumped back up.
Oh, yes, I do. That's the kind of feeling like when you discover Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for $15 a month when you can purchase a three-month plan. It's such an awesome deal. There's no way you could keep it to yourself. Tell everyone you know about it.
Mint Mobile is here to rescue you and your squad with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. That is nothing.
To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com.
Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash badfriends. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details.
It's so good. And they have every single toy you've ever dreamed of, whether it's coming out of your tush or your ring-a-ding-a-ding on your pole. They got the best deals ever over there. Four toys for $20. They're saving you up to $175 with this exclusive offer. It's incredible. They have every toy you've ever dreamed, all the lube you can dream of.
Go to adamandeve.com slash bad. It's the only way to get this offer. Go to adamandeve.com slash bad and pick any four sex toys for just $20.
Go to adamandeve.com slash bat and pick any four sex toys for just $20.
Dude, when you eat it, I feel it. I can tell when you're on it. Because with Blue Chew, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, it's an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost in chewable form.
And some people are like, how hard do you get, guys? I'll tell you how hard. Bobby sometimes takes it, calls me on the phone, and then puts a speaker up to his wiener, and it's... That's what it sounds like. I say someone at the door.
You get Dwayne Johnson hard like the rock. That is baby.
They always say there's nothing sexier than confidence. Bluetooth is going to give you that confidence in the bedroom. Lock it up.
Do it now. Blue Chew wants men rock hard. They told us. That's the mission. They will not stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house, till every tent is pitched, every rod is raised. Discover your options at BlueChew.com. And we've got a special deal for our audience. Try Blue Chew free. Just pay $5 for shipping at checkout.
When you visit BlueChew.com, that's BlueChew.com to receive your first month free.
Play this video of him coming on stage in Sydney. This is Bobby coming on stage in Sydney. Jesus Christ. So crazy. Oh my God. Wow. Crazy.
Do I get the Mr. Know-it-all thing now, or is it passed to this fucking guy? That's a great one.
That's baby know-it-all. Baby know-it-all. I don't even come up with shit like that.
Right here. Really? If you throw it like that, then because it flattens out.
We know nothing. Yeah. All right, so let me ask you, though, not to stick on this joke, do you go to see a dental hygienist, though? No. You can't just have, you don't? No. Will you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dead. Wow. Wait a minute. So you won't go?
Are you afraid of a dentist? Is that what that is? No, I'm really not.
This is tripping me out. When's the last time you went to a dentist? For real. Maybe when I was a teenager.
In fucking 30 years? Yeah. Andrew, check it out. What?
Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Shots fucking fired, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The frequency of dental visits depends on your individual circumstances. However... The ADA recommends, the American Dental Association recommends adults and children see the dentist every six months.
Yeah, I go to the dentist. Everyone in this room goes to the dentist. At the very least, once a year is definitely what you should do.
Why do you ask me so many questions then if you don't want to know the answer? Because you know I got the answer.
like dip your finger in your butt and smell it no not the pot no no but don't start there yeah don't start there no but i'll like i'll go like this and do that yeah have you done that yeah of course yeah i want to surf i'm see if i'm on track yeah i think we need to get this solved and i mean this because now i feel like it's dangerous are you really throwing up in the mornings oh yeah oh buddy come on that's not good yeah oh that's not good well then stuff's going on it's like indigestion it's a whole thing and mccone knows my pillows have blood on them when i wake up yeah
McCone, you're not voicing this to us ever? You're not going, hey guys, I think you should know this. Both for the sake of health and comedy.
I'm going to say it right now, dude. I told you backstage. Say it. And I don't know if you really took this to heart, but I mean this. I said, man, it's incredible when you are freestyling on the piano and she's backing you up and just flowing with it. It's extremely impressive. Maybe I'm a fucking... underexposed person to that kind of style of music, but it fucking blew my mind.
Every night I would sit down, when you would freestyle on the piano, and you would just smooth come in, I'm being so genuine to you guys, it's so impressive to me. And maybe I don't know shit about music composition and theory, but it fucking was incredible. I'm not kidding. Sure, maybe, but it was fucking gorgeous.
Over there, we were much tighter. Well, we had 60 cities of practice. We found a groove.
It was smooth. And we had some incredible people, fans, to help out in the show. We had a woman who was able to squirt breast milk out of her mouth. Into my mouth. Out of her tit, into your mouth. Her mouth would be crazy.
What do you mean? Yes, it does not taste like oat milk.
It was a human milk. Oh, it's human milk. Human milk. And let's see it right here. Let's play a clip there. Oh my God.
That's so much more than I remember. That's insane, dude. Wow. Wow. Wow. That's all breast milk. That's all breast milk. And those babies are not going to go hungry. That is so much.
And her husband approved. We asked her. Yeah, exactly. She goes, my talent is that I can squirt breast milk very far. And that's us asking her husband. I'm saying, dude, was this cool? Do you approve? And he was thumbs up all day.
It was. Yeah, that was in Melbourne. Oh, that was a magical show.
And I'm dying up here. I'm dying up here. That's how we met. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sarah Snook, who is... Secession. Such an incredible actress.
Yeah. Such a big fan of yours. I have such a crush on her talent-wise. You know what I mean? I think she's so talented.
Well, because she's, you know what, what's funny is when you grow up in L.A. and you meet people that grew up in L.A. that are like actors that grew up here, I guess it's more you have a projection of an idea of who you think they are. You do because you meet some kids that grew up here and they act and it's a thing.
And, you know, even though she moved here as a young kid, she kind of grew up here.
It's really nice to see people feel free and not feel like, because our show is fucking insane. Like, you know, Sarah brought their 14-year-old son. And when they came backstage, I was like, do you want him to see the show? Yeah. And she was like, yeah, I mean, why not? Who cares?
Yeah. We played the same venue as rocket scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson. And we're sucking on tit milk.
Rock and roll. Incredible. Rock and fucking roll.
One part of it I didn't like. Tell me. You know what it was.
Did you make me mad the whole show? Was I mad at you a little bit? I was.
I can tell you exactly what it is because it's a little bit of jealousy is what it was.
We played the clip on here of you walking out to Sydney to all those fans. Oh, I knew it.
No, no, no. It's not Matt or Bobby. I said to him, did you get us all coming out to the fucking crowd?
I wasn't upset at you. I said to him, did you get everybody getting that shot? I got all of us going out. Is that what I asked you? I said, did you get me or Jesse going on stage to the big crowd?
Interesting. Someone's trying to get under Mr. Nodal tutelage, huh? What? Someone's trying to be Mr. Nodal for the show.
Interesting. Okay. That has no bearing on the fact that he would literally go, I should probably get everybody coming out.
It's 8,500 seats. Yeah, you're right. You assume. If one of us said, hey, make sure you get this shot, why wouldn't your instinct go, I should get this for Jess?
I don't. It's over to me. And that will always lay inside of me as something that you disappointed me at. And it turned me. I was extremely upset. I went to my hotel room and I said, not happy. Doesn't care. Doesn't care.
Pretty close. That wasn't why I was feeling that way. But that Dollywood moment almost happened again. Yeah. I had a day.
I had to go to the gym. I had to just walk away. But McCone was a big sliver. A big sliver in my hand. Ow. How do I get this out?
That's me. That's all me. I know what it is, dude. That's all me molding and shaping the kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what it is. And you know who didn't try on the trip at all? Who? Who didn't put any effort into the trip whatsoever? Carlos. Yeah. Shout out to Carlos. He worked very hard.
You actually did a phenomenal job. Thank you. I appreciate it. A phenomenal job. Much better than we expected you to do. You went above and beyond. Fancy you didn't do shit. You stayed back and caught up check.
I'm good because I did the exact pattern I told you.
A little Nobu dinner. Yeah. And the kids never had Nobu, right?
You're welcome. Didn't say thank you once. Didn't say thank you.
Did not. Did you say thank you? We said it a few times. When? Do you remember? Give me the time.
Yeah, he's got a time stamp of it. I'll pull it up.
Love a good lazy Susan. Love a good lazy Susan. And we had, overall, man, every city did what we thought they were going to do. Nobody let us down. Every city was amazing. Every venue was great. And let's be honest. Can we be honest? We thought one of the cities, we both were like, what if this isn't that good? Because of the venue.
Was that Brisbane? Adelaide. Adelaide. Wait, tell that story.
The funniest part is, I literally said, when we fly to Sydney. I did the pattern.
Well, then I went back there and I go, are you really having a panic attack? I didn't know if he was joking. And then you were just off.
I thought it could have been a royal when people get low, they get low.
Well, I have clinical depression, so I go into a deep, very dark, low hole. Yeah. I disappear.
If I'm being honest, if we want to talk real shit, yeah, I get fucking – I have depression. I get extremely dark and low. I think the worst negative thoughts, I'm sure there's fans that have exactly what I have or they do this thing. And I found my only solution – is to not communicate with people because I just feel like I'll be mean or rude. And sometimes I am.
Then I just get snappy because I'm really low and I apologize if I am. And I find that if I can go and exercise or just break away for a second and just kind of Do my own little thing. It helps me reset my bearings. And then I can get back to it. And I've done it a few times with you guys. But that's just... Unfortunately, I think it's a part of my chemicals. Yeah.
I think it's a part of my fucking unfortunate DNA. I'm born with this awful... I don't even know how to describe it. It's awful. It sucks. I'm not proud of it. I'm not, but it also is who I really am. So I think if I service myself and I leave people alone, I can figure it out. I found the tools for me to go, okay. And you know what helped me? I'll tell you this.
Shout out to the guy I met in the gym. I didn't want to fucking talk to you. I absolutely didn't want to talk to you. I was lifting weights, I had headphones in, and he approached me multiple times to talk. And I was being a little mean at first. I was like, what's up? I did that. Oh, I've done that. Like what, what, what, what?
And then as soon as I dropped my internal guard, I thought, this guy's just a nice guy asking a question. And then I shout out to that guy for some reason that helped me like get back to where I needed to go because I knew this was a test. I don't know what you believe in. I don't care if you believe in a God or not or a universal energy. This was 100% a test from the universe going, watch this.
I was in the gym alone and it was like, watch this. And it put this guy in front of me and it was like, you can either fucking be a fucking grump and be bummed and ruin someone else's part of the tour, the other people you're performing with, or you can take this guy as our little fucking tool. And honestly, I felt great after that.
Something in the universe gave me that guy, I believe that, to be like, look at this happy-go-lucky sweet guy who just wanted to talk, chat, didn't know me, it wasn't like a fan, it was just a guy wanting to chat about something. And I don't know. I wholeheartedly believe the universe was like, deal with this because you got to cut it out. And then it did.
It like re-triggered my, I got to be good for the other people on the show. It's not fair. It's not fair to your friends and performers and people who support you to bring your shit on other people.
Right, so you threw one, then he just retaliated. But that seems fair. Eye for an eye, smoke for a smoke.
Maybe that's what it is, yeah. The bad breath has something to do with it.
It's morphing into its own thing. It's like actualizing. Yeah. It's becoming itself.
Oh, 100%. Carlos has, the change is there. I see it.
Interesting. Yeah. I will say this. We had a little talk off camera. People don't know. We're working on, right now, we looked up our analytics. And we, I think, are going to play a show in jolly old England. We're working on going to London for a show. Because our fans in the UK have said, why don't you guys come to us? The first country we went to outside of the US was, well, Canada.
But we went to Australia. And I think we owe it to our...
Our Londoner friends. So we're working on that right now.
Can we talk about that day? They took away your phone, and you were at dinner without a phone? Yeah. I've never seen that in my entire- I'm not kidding. In the 20 years I've known you, I've never seen you at a meal not on your phone.
Yeah, if I knew you were going to Michelin, I thought you were just going to grab a snack like we've been doing. I didn't think you were going to go to a fucking sit-down Michelin restaurant. I thought, hey, grab lunch. We'll all just grab lunch, and then we'll have a nice dinner.
This was in Sydney, right? Yeah. Do you remember the name of the place?
It's close to that. Shout out to the Gidley in Sydney.
I respect the fuck out of that. That's what Chappelle does at his shows.
Smart. Yeah, good for you. And then- Like a fucking idiot. You stayed up the entire flight home.
The drama. Right. I'm on season 40 of all my local sports teams.
Except I don't like the cast on any of my sports teams.
Well, I don't like soccer, but that's the other thing. We both love sports individually, but I'm not a soccer guy. But I like that you like it.
Because it moves so fast. I like fast-paced scoring.
It is. I just like to see black guys dunk. Okay.
Watch me, watch me. I said, stay up on the first leg, on the second leg, eat the dinner, and then last as long as you can to match up with the LA clock and go to bed, because then it'll be nighttime. Then when you wake up, it'll be noon in LA when we wake up and get to LA, but it'll actually kind of be our sleep schedule. We'll think it's like 9 or 10 a.m., which I go, that'll work perfectly.
Oh, then I definitely don't like them. Oh, were they really? Yeah. Were they really? I didn't know that. It's awesome. Wow, I didn't know that. So they were the first team to have black players?
A little bit of blacklash from that. So this is a photo here. This is a photo of McCone in bed with, who is that? That's my mom. Now, what are you doing in bed with?
Well, can we just put it up at the studio here? I want it.
Behind my mom. Yeah. I mean, you definitely have that photo.
Well, can we print out a real nice one? That looks like shit. I want that one. Okay, we'll give you that one. Yeah. Can I see it?
What do you guys think? What do you say? Is it close? Is it close? I hate you. I'm bubby mom. I love your mom too so much. I actually miss her and I'm coming out to Phoenix. Can you line it up?
Wait, is it jetskyjohnson.com? Is that up, your merch? Yes. Right now, go look at it. Let me pull it up. Also, by the way, to the Australian fans that asked us why the fuck we didn't bring merch, I'll tell you why. We hunted for a way to bring you guys merch. Local companies, of course, is what we'd have to use because it would cost too much to ship merch from the United States.
And all the local companies that we tried to work with, it just wasn't going to work. So that's why. We just wasn't going to work out for us, for you guys. It wasn't cost effective or efficient for you guys to get good merch from us that we cared about to distribute to you. So we have great merch all the time on the website.
So sorry we didn't bring anything with us, but it just wasn't going to work. Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Imagine the fucking whole table just explodes. Lights on fire. You think I should go? I have no plans. From a personal perspective, do you want to come to my house?
Nobody. My cousin and a friend or two. Yeah, maybe. You come to my house. Yeah, maybe.
Yeah. I know your priorities. Yeah, yeah. Best friend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, my assumption, the reason I didn't invite you to Thanksgiving, honestly, my assumption is you would not want to do that.
I was up during the meal. I see him. I watch across the aisle. He's on his iPad, and you can hear him. I can hear him laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I go to bed, right? I wake up from bed feeling good, take a piss. He's still up, still on his iPad, and I know he hasn't fallen asleep. Still giggling. In the exact same position.
And my wife was like, do you want to invite Bob? I said, yeah, but I don't think he would like this kind of thing. Because I don't know. You know, traditionally.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't want you at the house. I'm going, I'm going. No, go to Michael Bay's, please, please. Now that I think about it.
Stand up. Stand up. For real. Just stand up. You don't have to do anything else but stand up. We can see it. It's an obvious difference. Can you or no? Yes. Be honest. We've said it every fucking day.
Wait a minute. What did you say, Carlos? You can't tell?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you literally can. And also, let's stop plugging Ozempic. It's fucking Wegovi.
It's the other one. Oh, okay. The amount of people that commented on my Instagram about you, they were let down because they thought you were on Ozempic, and so they were too. Yeah. But now you're on Wegovi, and now people were like, fuck, I got to switch.
The smeglitude, but it is working. Everyone on tour has said that. There was a few ladies that said that on tour. I mean, it was just true. The truth is the truth.
Yeah, just don't. Bobby wants it because he wants to be, say it with me. Hollywood. Ripped.
Jacked. Ripped and jacked. What did you say in the van? You'll see. You'll see. You'll see. And that's the name of the special. You'll see. Be jacked. Absolute jacked and ripped. And you know what? I think you're on your way. I mean, you're definitely losing the weight. Are you late night snacking?
No. Look at me. Nothing. Not even like a Kit Kat or a Chippy?
Exact same position. Then I go back again. I'm stretching a little bit. I'm thinking he probably is asleep now. Wide awake.
Well, because it's kind of hard to, your cock is right there, so they might want to save the excitement for when they don't see your cock.
I love it though. I want to go back. You want to go tonight? You're going every day?
Not one hour of sleep on 15-hour flight. Ha, ha, ha. And now what's happening?
Yeah, there's a section. It's like men and women. You would go in your own section. Yeah.
Can I ask you something? Yeah. I'm not trying to start anything at all. Yeah. Are there trans people in the saunas? No. Okay. That's a real. So there was a controversy at WeSpot.
A trans woman with presence of a nude individual with a penis, most commonly believed as a trans woman. The women's changing area of the spa. The video went viral, attracting significant attention from gender critical feminists, also termed trans exclusionary. Oh, TERFs. Right. And some media, which led to protests and counter protests.
Some media outlets initially questioned whether or not the alleged incident had been a hoax. they reported again the transgender woman was charged with indecent exposure relating to the alleged incident after four women and one minor girl filed police reports in July. Suspect is awaiting trial on seven counts of exposure.
And finally, judge ruled that the indecent exposure case could proceed, citing the testimony of two witnesses and the individual in question had partial or full erection. for a duration of 30 to 60 minutes during the incident. That's a bummer. It's a bummer to have a boner. But that spa is phenomenal. I mean, if I could walk around there hard, I would.
I would rather. You know what? I'd rather this for you. I like this. I know you do.
Imagine taking a fucking blue chew then going to Wii Spa.
You're saying they're just in their removal of the... I mean, because I know that there's always little girls and little boys.
It's hard for your kid to see someone else's penis. This kid only sees my penis. My kid sees my penis.
Do you remember the first time you saw your dad's penis, by the way?
Okay. You should have did. I remember the moment I see my dad's penis. I mean, what a bummer.
Wow, a nudist colony. Different life. Are there any nudist colonies in Southern California? Welcome to Southern California's premier family nudist resort and RV park located halfway between Los Angeles and San Diego. Glen Eden is nestled 154 acres with the base of the Cleveland National Forest. We're the perfect combination for a resort for amenities and nature. Dude, we have to go to this.
And look, it's a Korean woman on the photo. Glen Eden Sun Club here in Southern California is the largest member-owned nudist and resort club. I am joining.
Hello, partner. You know what I mean? No, no, I'm saying retire here. I don't think you should grow up here. I want to retire here.
Don't you hate laundry? Yeah. Imagine never doing laundry again. And every day waking up, eating naked, swimming naked, hanging out naked. Not worrying about it. You love the Wii Spa naked in the sauna. Imagine if that's every day.
And because you've got a nice little cock who cares. Run around with it. What's the difference? And they do Toys for Tots. That's great. They do blood drives. I mean, this place is fantastic. Yeah. And look at this. They're plant-based. You can go vegan there if you feel like it. I'm in. Call us up. Call us up. There's just some things you can't do naked.
Well, I'm sure, I mean, before anything, clothes were probably for fucking warmth. And protection. And protection. And then it became about puritanical fucking ideologies of covering up parts of your body.
Yeah. Look, they got the first shoe in Africa between 30,000 and 120,000 years ago. Oh, just a small gap. Between 30,000 and 120,000 years ago. Early clothing was made from animal skins and fur and leaves and grass and wrapped, draped, tied around the body. Clothing changed with wealth.
I mean, I just think like, you know, there was a point when nudity in the summer was chill and somebody didn't like it. Some small dick weirdo was like, we should cover up.
You know what I mean? Some small dick loser in the community was like, I don't like to see other guys' penises. It's gross. And everybody's like, what are you talking about?
Right, right, right. Leroy, as soon as Leroy. I don't like when Jermaine comes over for dinner. I don't like it. Your wife is like, what's the problem? He's not my kind of guy. Some fucking huge cock guy moved into a community and then all these fucking insecure dudes were like, we should wear clothing. I don't like that that's out.
And by the way, that's how Hacienda started. Little community. Where they're like, that's where the Asians are, that's where the whites are, that's where the black dudes are.
They'd be excited at first. Yeah, yeah. Because we'd look like we're like a group of aliens. Yeah, yeah.
And different colors, too. Imagine. No. A Korean and a redhead and black eyes. Yeah. You know what I would do? And we start rapping. Right. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
imagine how happy they'd be to hear rap right because they would go yeah they would start going along yeah they would hear the rhythm yeah that'd be cool dude one of the cavemen starts fucking robotting and then they kill us and eat us and wear the clothes if you would you ever eat human if you had or have you if you had to
What if you got into a plane accident and you crashed in the Andes Mountains, but you still were taking your Ozempic to curb your appetite for humans? Like, you would just- Oh, I would definitely do that. You would just double down on it. Oh, double down on it. Then you're like, well, I'm not that hungry. Right. And everyone's like, how are you? How are you doing this?
Because you resent the fact that I'm younger than you, but no more than you.
He can't beat me in ping pong. How about this? I can't play piano and he's beautiful. Piano, ping pong. Ping pong, I can beat you. Get a table.
I grew up with it. And that was 40 years ago. It doesn't matter.
There's no phrase that's, hey, it's just like tennis. Once you learn, you never not learn. There is no tennis phrase. Yes, it goes to tennis. It's just like hitting a tennis ball. Yeah, yeah. Once you know, you know. Once you know, you know. Yeah, yeah. We did ride a beautiful bike around Rottnest Island and had a gorgeous day at Rottnest Island. We did. Probably one of our best days.
Try Huel with 15% off today using code BADFRIENDS at my.huel.com slash BADFRIENDS.
I'm ready to take a fucking photo. Yeah, yeah. No, but see, this is what I appreciate about you. You waited till you felt like it was time. And guess what?
That photo is proof that if you wait, good things will come. Because a lot of people got a lot of bad photos of them with quokkas not looking at them. You, on the other hand, have a picture-perfect picture with quokka-pukka-pukka-pukka-pukka.
The proof is in the pudding, kiddo. If you wait, good things will come. Don't call me kiddo anymore. All right, baby doll. I think it's kind of funny. We got a lot of love down there in Australia and we want to thank- It was probably- Yeah, go ahead.
No, no. That's it. I just want to say we want to thank our fans.
Yeah, sorry. Go ahead. I just want to say that I want to thank- Cut me off again. Probably- There it is. Oh. Oh. I want to thank all the fans from Down Under. It was one of the best experiences we've ever had. I mean it. It was un-fucking-real. It was so cool. It was so fun. Life-changing. Life-changing. We had people come to the show that are actor friends of ours that came.
What do I care? You already made fun of me half of the trip about it. I got mocked incessantly. Even though what did Andrew provide except for great recommendations for food and hangout spots and cool things to see. But that's okay. But make fun of me more. It's fine.
You're right. I'd actually prefer it if you did. If you did. Go ahead and make fun of me.
I asked you to close the shows because I wasn't feeling good.
And I said, will you end up closing some of these shows, please?
Well, they came to see me because they're not a fan of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm just being honest. Yay. Do you like the honesty now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They all were like, I don't really care about Bobby. I don't like his stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said, would you guys like me to go last? Right, right. I'd prefer it. Yeah. Less of him, more of you. But whatever. No, no, I just want to tell you the truth. Whatever the reason.
If you like the truth. Whatever. I love the truth. No, no, no. If you like this little truth game. I love the truth. They all literally said, we're not fans of Bobby Lee.
Both comedically, personally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, that's rude.
Yeah, I don't think so. They go, we're not... That's just not our style. And I said...
No, it doesn't matter. They're going to see me anyway. They saw me anyway. Because you hate it if I do too much time. You bitch about it every time. So if I go second, then you're not going to complain to me. Right.
No, no, no. The truth really is. I thought, okay, if they're coming to see, I'm not going to have you get upset at me because I did too much time in the front. So I was like, let me close the show so I don't hear it from you because every show we've ever done, if I do too much time and there's proof in the booth, you do get mad. Are you going to be honest and say that that's true?
Yes, because you go. Let me ask. Can I ask? I hear backstage you going like this. He's doing too much time. He's always doing too much time. Okay. These guys, they rat you out. They rat you out. Let me say something. Let me tell you something. The reason why. Rat him out. I'm sorry.
No, but let me stomp the truth real fast. Okay, good. Two things. Real fast. Real fast. One, clearly they never said that about you. You know I'm joking. You know that I'm joking. I just ratted myself out? No, no.
Don't do that. He knows everything. He knows everything, dude. Mr. Know-it-all. Can I finish something? Yeah, yeah. Two things. Go ahead. One, they never said it about you because you know that they're all in love with you. I made that up as a joke. But two, to love. Who? Dakota fanning them? All of them. Of course he didn't! I know, but let me level this. Let me level this.
To make this even more fair. That is true. I did want to go second because I did not want you to get mad at me about the time. And then, to make both of these things together, these guys will also tell you, the rat fucking scumbag loser fuckheads, that they'll tell you the exact same thing that I say about you when you're on stage. I go, I don't know why he doesn't go second.
He's crushing and I don't want to go after that. Do I not say that to you? So yes. Okay. So the same thing you say to them, I say to them about you as well. Okay. So, so we're good. We're good. Who are we really mad at?
My teeth are yellow. You have no real teeth. That's why yours are so white.
Fancy? We're taking our daughter to Disneyland, so nothing.
Wait a minute, have you already bought the tickets? Yeah, not everybody waits until they're 60.
Do you know how it works? I've never done it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it. We did Universal Studios. No, Disneyland.
After five years, I'm gonna grow up. Andres.
Yeah, that's why some people don't do it.
I know you love that, so absolutely.
There's no exception. Be nice to the guy.
Ich habe diese Fantasie, eine Bachelor-Edition von Bad Friends zu machen, in der wir Frauen mit Bobby treffen und dann ein ganzes Show machen.
Das ist wie meine Comedy. Hallo, hallo.
Du brauchst keinen Stripper. Du kannst es einfach normal machen.
Für ihn. Der Kardashian-Moment.
It's you. This is the greatest gift I ever got.
Bring up a Hope Corps so we can watch one and maybe it'll inspire us in a different way. The ones with the words, I think, are great. Yeah. Right? Oh, this is... Happy birthday to you. How are you?
And I'm going to finish it because I need to poop today. I haven't pooped and I know this will make it happen.
Buddy. You're an old Korean man in the restaurant. Why did you go to that? Because I'm just mimicking that guy. Do your own version.
It wasn't Asian. You were like, I got my damn sales. Is that new Asian? If it's new Asian, that's fine. It's new Asian. All right, fine. Be new Asian. I can't be new. What did you say?
I say I say I'm. Well, listen up, a cowboy.
What was his name? Mike Griscoll. It's funny, because I have the same name. Oh, anyway... I mean, that's.
You're the guy. I'm the guy. All right. That's it. What if he saw him and he was like, I don't like the way you look. Imagine he's like, you know, somebody saved my life. Okay, I'm the guy.
I was going to say how funny this guy was racist. He's the black guy. He's like, it's for me. He's like, I don't want these stem cells anymore. Yeah. And he takes a knife and starts stabbing his spine to get it out.
I caught us eating. Yeah. It's the holidays. Oh, nice.
See, I'm right, I just said it wrong. Okay. Yeah. I had squim squels. I had stem cells put in me by a guy from Baltimore, 26 year old. That's the only reason I'm here today, because of Mike Driscoll.
From Baltimore, you're Mike Driscoll from? Yeah, man. Really? Yeah, my stem cells. It's from you? Yeah, man. Wow. Yeah. How did you know I was here? You followed me? This feels a little invasive.
Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Really good stuff, Pete.
I'll see you next month. I'll see you soon. Thanks for coming, dude. And he goes all over the country. I do like this. I like these videos. Yeah, Hope Corps. Don't you like them? I like that. Give me another Hope Corps that's going to make me feel.
We're into Hope Corps. You're watching this at night when you get sad. I know you are. I cry. No, I don't like the cancer ones.
Kids cancer is going to make me fucking lose my mind. Get it off. Kids cancer is going to kill me.
Yeah. Dude, how funny would a whole core video be of a cancer patient and Carlos is shaving the sides of his head? That's insane. That's insane. Just a side. And they're both just crying.
Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. And they really do do that. They've helped Bobby and myself. And they have over 5 million users. and they've saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions.
That's right. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features.
That's rocketmoney.com slash badfriends. Rocketmoney.com slash badfriends. ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment online.
Let me tell you something. I move, move, moved, and I needed a new doc, doc, doc. And that's why I use ZocDoc. Thanks to ZocDoc genuinely helped me find a real doctor with real patient reviews. You're not getting jerked around on the internet trying to find out.
You can filter based on specific preferences, whether it's looking for a male doctor, speaks a certain language, has availability that works with your schedule, has an opening in the next day or so. And appointments made through ZocDoc happen fast. Typically, just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same-day appointments.
By the way, the most shocking win. We can talk about it. I didn't have her on my top to win. I had bring up the cast, the young, good looking kid who was beautiful. But did you see what happened to him at the end of the episode? Yeah.
That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash bad friends. ZocDoc.com slash bad friends. DraftKings. Playoffs? Playoffs?
Scoring touchdowns is key to winning in the playoffs, and you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet touchdowns. You ready to place that first bet, Bob? I've been born ready. You've been born ready. Try betting on something simple like a player to score six. Go to the DraftKings Sportsbook app and make your pick today.
Instantly. What are you waiting for? Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code BADFRIENDS. That's code BADFRIENDS for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5. Only on DraftKings Sportsbook, the crown is yours. You got a gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY. That's 467-369.
And Connecticut help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Blue Hill Casino and Resort. Kansas 21 plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG.co slash audio.
What? I'll tell you what pisses me off on the internet. Yeah. Hey, excuse me. Could you help me with a dollar? and someone else, why'd you decide to help me today? Oh, you just needed a dollar and I said, well, I want to bless you because you blessed me. There's a thousand dollars cash. This guy, I don't like this game. I don't fucking like it. We don't like it, do we?
What bothers us about it though? I can't explain. I was trying to say that the other day. I was like, why does this bother me?
I've just been hanging out at Target all week waiting for this guy. I think that's why. Why does it bother you, Jules?
I guess. I mean, what's the nicest thing you've done and nobody knows? Because it wasn't recorded. Nobody knows. You never really talk about it.
It was funny that you just didn't leave with photo album. It is weird to be like, he had an album. I'm like, oh shit, it was a music. He's like, no, no, no.
One time I got cash from a gig I was working and it was a pretty substantial amount of cash. And I gave the envelope to a person that I used to see a lot in my old neighborhood. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, he didn't... It wasn't like a big thank you. I was like, that was a lot of money, man. I actually was like, did you... Because he was like, oh, thanks, man. Good to see you.
I was like, good to see you, man. And I kept being like... It's a fucking, it was a lot of cats.
Yeah, it was a bunch of cats. And I thought it was the holiday season. I thought this is a, it was when I used to live in West Hollywood. I saw this guy all the time and I thought this is going to make his fucking, this is going to make his fucking holiday. He probably has family he can't see or he can buy gifts now. And he kind of, he was just like, oh, thank you so much.
So out of our show, out of you and I. Okay. You're Paul Hollywood and I'm Prue.
And he kept holding it and he didn't really like look at how much.
So I waited a little bit to be like, what's in there? You know what I mean? Like a parent on Christmas, like open it up.
Well, you'll never work with that fucking crew again.
It's just you want it. I don't want anything big, but I did want him to be like, brother, thank you. This is like a big deal.
Well, because I used to give him money all the time. So maybe he just thought it was just whatever. But I would give him money a lot. When I'd walk home from the store, I would give him money. It's the same guy. He's probably still fucking there. He watches the show.
Yeah, he said do something nice and she was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. What is it going to be? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time I didn't kill something. Yeah, yeah. And the spider. I could kill it, but I didn't. Spider said thank you. All right, one time you what, babe?
By the way, that's the same guy that I gave the cash to. But let me ask you something.
Or crack. I'm not even going to lie to you right now. That seems pretty close. You think so? Taco Bell is crack to me.
You've never had crack. It's way better than Taco Bell. Well, by the way, when I do smoke crack, I will end up at a Taco Bell at some point. And when I smoke crack, I do the Diablo sauce on it. Can I have a Dos Ridos Los Crackos?
Smack a ho this Christmas with Taco Bell. Jules, do you have?
Boom, baby. I give the shakes. Yeah, no, you are Prue because you look like her. Bring up Prue. This is actually what Bobby looks like. This is genuine. That's Bobby. That's you. Look up. Yeah, the third photo is on. That's not you? That's not me. That little eccentric woman is not you.
The point that we're making in this Hope Corps episode is that it doesn't have to be a big gesture. It can be small. Okay, let's do a small thing so she can think about that. Because what we did was grand. Giving a lot of money. What small thing? Give me a tiny one. I know you do them all the time. I see you do them.
I fucking hate that so fucking much. That pisses me off.
Stop it. Yeah. Let people make up their own decisions. You know what it's like? You're in the program. Starting comedy is like AA. They have to want to do it. They have to want to go. Let them go. Don't fucking force them into AA. Don't force them into comedy.
Dude, dude, dude. I'll tell you how this happened. Wait, hold on. Time out real fast. Let me tell you something that you do that I noticed that is something small.
That's very nice. Okay. Bobby will see a fan see him in public somewhere and can tell that they want to say something. I'm being honest. Okay. And if they look too nervous or whatever, he'll make eye contact with them on purpose and go over to them to make them feel comfortable to say hi. You'll deliberately- I've done that, yeah. You will do that a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's very nice because a lot of times people will want to say hi, but they don't have the courage or the balls or the fucking- You know, or just don't know what to say. And then you'll walk up to him and just give him a hug or you'll smack him. You like to hit people. You'll go, what's going on, man? What are you doing? Fucking what are you doing? Yeah, I do that.
You'll crack him a little bit to shake him up. And people like that. I think that's a nice thing to do. I think that's a sweet thing that people like.
No, I love saying hi to fans. I'll tell you what I don't like. I don't like the way I look. Photos make me nervous because I don't like pictures. Because I'm like, I'm going to look like fucking a dummy in this guy's photo. There's something about it that gives me anxiety.
Yeah, sometimes I just want to be alone.
If you were an old white woman, that would be you.
Yeah, sometimes I'm just in, if I'm in an emotional mood, if I'm depressed, I just don't want to say it. Because then I'm in your photo like this. you know, because I'm low in your photo. I'm sorry. And I don't want to fuck up your photo. So it's like, you know, yeah, let's say hi. And then, but I do love saying hi to the fans.
I just, some days when we're tired and we're traveling, it's hard when someone's like, come here, get a photo. And you're like, okay.
And you look like shit and you feel like shit and you haven't eaten or slept. What's your nice thing?
Oh, fuck. Oh, here we go. Jesus Christ. No way to prove it. Right, there's no tracking record.
I'll tell you, those tauntauns, they love that. I know, they love it, yeah. When I met Zinu, the third sun god of the rotating orb, what did you do in the Philippines?
That's what the fuck this is. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
There's no closets? There's no closets. There's no closets in the Philippines. So what do they come out of?
They make the gay guys get on a table. Announce to everybody, okay, I'm gay. Raise your hand if you're mad. You house this man who needed somewhere and that's very nice because of a closed-minded family. Now is his family still disown him?
Who didn't? Oh, yeah. He didn't. No, he didn't. He didn't have a good day. Bring his name up again. I forget his name. The cast. He's my favorite, though. He's so good. Really handsome guy. Yeah, Dylan's a man. This guy is a great baker. And you know who likes him a lot? Who? Rudy. She's nodding already, pervert. Yeah, yeah. Zoom in on that guy. He's gorgeous, this guy. Not a great photo. No, no.
Thank God. I shouldn't clap for that. No, no clap. So sorry. Wait, gay marriage is still illegal?
Look at them. Is that your family photo? Yeah. Wait a minute. Go to, honestly, go to, what is, do you think there's a higher percentage of gay men in the Philippines than in other countries?
But it's like here. That's like here. No one gives a shit that you're gay here.
Well, right. According to the 2013, really updated, Philippines Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Survey, 2% of Filipino men identify as gay. Survey found 96% of young people in the Philippines identified as heterosexual. So it is still embedded in the scariness of the society.
what is going on here I think do you think it's this cultural because it should be I think we're all human beings it should be across the board well it does say look I read it wrong it does say 44.7% of adult men identify as LGBTQ plus so it could be anything that encompasses everything that could say like yeah I'm asexual I'm trying to just do gay not LGBT that's what I'm saying gay men on earth 3% of men identify as gay or homosexual worldwide that's good that's a pretty good a good number
What would it be? Why is it good? Is it good or bad? It's just a number. What's good about it?
Like we're drafting gays? It's a healthy amount of gays. We got to get our gays up. It's a perfect amount. Listen here.
We got to get our gays up. 72% of Gen Z adults identified as straight. 15% as bi, 5% as gay or lesbian, and 8% as something else. 72% straights now. We're losing it, straights. We're going down. The straights are getting thinned out. Nearly 30% of Gen Z adults identify as LGBTQ. So 30% of the Gen Z population says that they are LGBTQ+.
Hey, dude. Childless. No wonder we're still doing this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know why we're doing this podcast? I'd like to tell you why. I'm a-rockin', dude. Don't come a-knockin'. If you want one of these, I'll buy you one. Yeah? We're doing this podcast because it's the most fun. It's the most fun and got a little announcement for the fans. We're working on it.
But your boys are going to be coming to Bings on Toast. We're coming to the UK. UK. We're going to do London.
We're probably going to do Dublin. We're probably going to do maybe Amsterdam. We're going to let you know coming up soon in the fall. We're going to be touring around because we want to go see our friends over the water. Some people may go. Some people might not. I think everyone would want to go. London, show up for us. No, in terms of our team. Oh. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, no, no, buddy.
This is just for us. Oh, you're saying Jet Ski?
Just give me some other photo. Again, not that photo. He honestly, he's such a good baker. He's so good. And he's so humble. Yeah. Yeah.
Bullshit. Bullshit. You're done with school soon. When is school over?
I can only hope Trump goes through with all this stuff. You know, we're gonna kick him all out. It's like, when? So let's go, speed it up. I mean, I don't know if he's gonna. Too many Asians for me. Too many. But you're Asian too. No, no, he's from San Diego.
You're a banana cream puff. You're a cream puff.
Yeah, it does. All this stuff does sound gay. Yeah, yeah. Well, you are part of the 3%.
No, you're a beautiful Korean man. You're proud of your Korean heritage.
Yeah, that's good. That's a good thing. Yeah, a lot of Asians. You like what you like. What is this? You're showing us a map.
Refugees can come there- And not get deported?
Yeah, but they have to meet government. You have to file as a seeking asylum. You have to come through the port of entry. You come through the port of entry, you come through a border, and then you seek asylum, and then you have to register that you're an asylum-seeking refugee from whatever country, and then you get registered with the government.
And he's strong. He's also weird. That's why I like him.
You can't just, like, fucking catch a flight, come in, and then hide out somewhere and be like, I'm a refugee. It's like, that doesn't count then.
And then you're not going to get any government services if you do it without them knowing.
So if you need money while you're fucking here, if you're coming from somewhere that's, you know, that's how you have to do it.
Yeah. Well, a lot of companies. I don't know, man. No, I mean, I'm pretty excited about it, dude.
And by the way, two things that are fucking rock and roll. Get rid of immigrants and get you jacked. I mean, dude. Yeah, but you don't think I'm going to get jacked. Trump sounds like Captain America. You don't think I'm going to get jacked? I don't. No, you're not. You're not going to get jacked. You're going to get skinnier because you keep losing weight. You're down 14 pounds now, yeah?
Something. Do you notice a difference?
Yeah, you do look smaller. Lift, stand up. Lift up your shirt. Be real.
I love you, Jess. That joke, dude? It's all but good.
No belly. There's like no fucking belly.
That's nothing, dude. That's nothing. You were so much bigger months ago. Carlos doesn't believe it. Ask the window.
But when I joined the gym. Tiger Abs with Bobby Lee getting jacked. You and Kumail just working out every day. Imagine if you become a fucking Marvel character because of this. Whoa. That'll be so sick. If you get jacked as fuck and they give you a Marvel role.
Perfect. That's you. That's you with Kumail. Look up Sunfire. X-Men. Pontiac made a car called the Sunfire for a while. That's you?
The privileges of the very privilege are no longer exclusive. With Robinhood Gold, your annual IRA contributions are boosted by 3%. Plus, you also get 4% APY on your cash in non-retirement accounts. That's over eight times the national savings average. The perks of the high net worth are now available for any net worth.
Investing involves risk. 3% match requires Robinhood Gold at $5 a month for one year from first match. Must keep funds in IRA for five years. Go to Robinhood.com slash boost. Over eight times the national average savings account interest rate claim is based on data from FDIC. As of November 18th, 2024, Robinhood Financial LLC member SIPC gold membership is offered by Robinhood Gold LLC.
I love Blue Chew. Their tablets are made here on the U-U-S-S-A-A-A. And they're shipped directly to your door. The process is simple. You sign up at BlueChew.com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you're going to receive your prescription within days, and you're ready to go. To get high.
You could be missing out on some of the best sex of your entire life. Bobby has been smashing it. It's pretty impressive, dude. They made the news. This guy, he's going off. They always say first impressions are important. Well, what about lasting impressions? Blue Chew is going to help you last a little bit, give you a little bit of confidence, help you, you know, help you move the bed.
Okay, till every tent is pitched, every rod is raised. Discover your options at BlueChew.com.
That's BlueChew.com to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring Bad Friends.
When Andrew shakes your hand, you shake it right away. Shake it right away. You know better. Good forearms for baking. Kid's got great ham. Yeah. Look at that.
Shopify, Bob. Shopify is how you're going to make it happen. Is that how it happened? Let me tell you how. That's what we did. Shopify is the best. They make it very simple to create your brand, open a business, get your first sale, get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates, no coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop.
It's a disaster. Someone's going to beat you to the idea, so don't do this to yourself. Don't kick yourself when you hear this again in the air because you didn't do anything. You must start working with Shopify now. Established in 2025 has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Go to shopify.com slash bad friends to start selling with Shopify today. That's shopify.com slash bad friends. Are there redheaded superheroes? They're redheaded. No one is famous that's redheaded. And if they are, they're mocked.
Male red-headed superhero. Right. Male. M-A-L-E. Male red-headed superhero. Let's see. Ed-headed. Yeah, male Ed-head. Who is that? Shaft? Shaft was black.
Geoforce. I don't know any of these guys. The Shield. The Shield. That's pretty good. Light Ray.
Owen Mercer. That's just a guy that lives in my building.
Hank Hall. These are just guys I know. I know. They're just... Hank Haywood? Yeah, they're all...
by the way what the fuck is this daredevil no this list is fucking dumb you're not right whatever this is is not the right list yeah i don't even know what that's that that list is wrong get off of this website don't get angry about it well he's not what because you don't like the white name wally that's a good superhero about his googling lately ant-man oh but they gave that to paul fucking right thanks a lot thanks a lot paul thanks a lot paul run you could be like two dollar bill man
I think the people at home want to know what we've watched. Look at that. His mom is Indian and his father is Japanese Belgian.
I could be like the Woj, handing out $2 bills at random. He's doing good, or he's inconveniencing people.
What do you mean? Circle meets a square?
And they showed a video of the family, the most wholesome fucking family on earth. These people are wonderful. Let me see the family. I never saw it. Do the family. They showed a video of him with his family. I'll show you. I know wholesome. But that girl is the one that won, by the way.
Those guys want to talk. I'm just kidding. Those guys probably love you. It's probably in my head.
Well, I don't get cut out of circles like that.
Not only do I get invited in, I get a big hug.
So we go over there. You thinking this will be a show off moment for you a little bit? Just a little bit of like, I know a famous guy. Love you, mom. You're right. You called me out. Well, it's a little moment for you. You know, when I kissed that, don't make that face. I didn't do anything. Okay. Hang her back up. It was over there. No, put her up behind you, though. She belongs behind you.
You knocked her off the wall because you slammed your chair backwards. So anyway...
Yeah, but she wasn't my home run. He was my home run all season.
So cute. So cute. Now, did you guys hook up? Did you guys hook up?
Yeah. Him and Blake did, yeah. Yeah. He's a freckly dick. Yeah, he does. Yeah, people don't know this. It's like mine, but darker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little darker. Very freckly. No, this girl, are you interested in this woman now? Is this a real thing? No, I'm just, come on. I don't know. Okay, dude. We don't know who it is. She doesn't know who it is. No one knows. No one knows who it is.
No, I won't allow that kind of stuff, no.
Blake could pick me up easy. Blake's huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he could. He just wouldn't do it. It's just a mutual respecting.
You're teeny tiny Tim. You're a little teeny tiny Tim.
No. He stepped on him on accident. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. You're very pick-up-able.
You know how you pick your dog up? When you see your dog, you pick him up, you bend down? Yeah. Same thing. He's small and cute and lovable. Oh, my God. And here's the deal. I want to kiss you. So I want your little face near mine.
I want to feel your little tushy and I want to give you a little kiss.
Everyone going 100% yes. You 100% look like this. That is fucking Bobby Lee.
it's crazy how much why does that look like me dude the eyes are perfect it's like the same depth of feel in the eyes that your your face the cheeks are perfect the nose the ears even it just looks like you because his eyes look like the kind of love you have in your eyes and your soul look like exactly like his look at how happy he is but do you want to fuck that
I'm going to plead the fifth, man, because I, you know.
He's taking a walk. He's like... He does look like he has a cleft lip or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is cute, though.
That's cool as shit. More of that, guys. Send that stuff in. We love that.
Absolutely love that. If I was going to be an animal, what animal would I be?
I don't. Do I look like an animal? Jess knows.
Maybe a beaver. Do I look like a beaver? My teeth are big in the front. No, there's not an animal out there.
Oh, really? Well, then why don't you explain it to us? Explain to us Hope Corps. Side note, do you see an old man when you see me?
Mudang. After Mudang. Yeah. Ava Golden Tiger. He's going ape shit online. Really? What's going on? Why? People just love him because he's unique?
He's Thai, huh? Yeah. Jules, now that you're going to be done with school, what does the future hold?
Animals? Yeah. Why don't you do a podcast about animals?
Yeah, stream. Yeah, but still, that's not like, you know. No, what do you mean? That's just as viable. That's just like podcasting.
Unless you're like the number one streamer. She could be the number one female streamer. Maybe. You're not going to beat the guy. What's his name? Kai Sinat? That guy's fucking so big. By the way, that's what she's aspiring to be. That's pretty viable. But the one thing I will say about that streaming thing that I don't... It gets a little...
Girls streaming always goes down this weird little rabbit hole of like- Sexy. Sexualizing. Yeah, they get sexualized online.
So as long as you wear like a full coat, like a winter jacket when you're doing it, I'm okay with it. Yeah. As your uncle, uncle, as Tito Andrew. I just think the streaming thing for women, the thing I see sometimes on there is I'm like, oh, they're all being sexualized on this thing. It's not just about the thing.
What? I was looking at what he pulled up.
Pulling up the names of the streamers. Show it. Have you seen this? What the fuck is that? What the fuck are you doing? Oh, when they do like a time lapse thing? No.
Oh, I don't like it. Whatever it is. Dude, look it up, man.
He's doing a lot lately. Drunk guy gets an act. What is it?
Now pick up the axe again and get tased, dude.
That's a bail enforcement agent, by the way. That's not even a cop. You know that, right? That's crazy. He jumped bail. So he has like a, you know, he gets to act as like a peace officer or some bullshit. He's not actually a cop. Whose side are you on? Huh?
The guy who's trying to do the axe. The guy who's trying to grab the axe. You're on his side? Yeah. Why? Cause. What are you doing on my fucking property? Get off of my fucking property. Okay. You don't belong on my property.
Huh? If the guy came out of my property? Yeah. Get the fuck off of my property. You're not allowed on my property. It's a private property. Fuck you. I don't know what tase looks like, so I think it's a gun. It's a taser gun. A taser looks like a gun.
No, it's yellow. It's very obviously a taser.
It hurts like fucking, it's the most painful. It sucks. You fucking, you freeze up and then you fall down. It's the worst. I hate it. You've done it.
Yes, an idiot in college had a fucking taser and I fucking hated it. It was so dumb and we were drunk. Oh, wow. Can we buy one? No. Yeah, let's buy one. All right, buy one.
I mean, you just look like an old Asian.
No, no. Well, look up their reactions with Ozempic. Is there a Taser-Ozempic thing? Yeah, possible side effects of Ozempic. If you are hit with a Taser, it may stop working. Oh, that's fucked.
Yeah, man, find the face thing. Man, God.
Either that or we go back to the $2 bill stuff.
Asians age in a different way. Whites get uglier. You just get old Asian. Okay. Yeah. Look, look, look, look, look. Now that's a good looking old Asian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could never. Yeah.
Oh man, I hope they bomb us. I hope this country's over soon. Yeah, this is insane. This is what we're doing? This is it. And can I tell you something? How old is this kid, by the way? Is this a child? How old is this person?
Some of them have OnlyFans. I wouldn't know. Okay. But anyway... I mean, how old is this girl? Who are we watching? It looks like we're watching a child.
What do we do? I know. I'm not watching some kid do fucking gross. Get out of here.
And there's a dad downstairs. Sally, do the dishes! And she's...
Yeah, we're fucked. We're fucking. Future's fucked. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and then she goes to anime conventions. Right. I've seen this anime convention thing. It's like they don't do it once a year. They do it all year round. There's these things. They're all over the place. Yeah.
You know how Comic-Con was like once a year? Now it's like all year. No, because every city has one now. Well, every city has everything, though. There's many different kinds.
It's unbelievable, you. You're flawless.
I mean, if there's a way to do it, that's it, dude. That was perfect. That was so organic and shit. People loved it.
Not only, it just helps the rhythm of her selling the show. What are you doing, man? Just criticizing you. I could criticize you as well. And I'll say why. You shot at me about the Woj thing, so I've been shooting at you.
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight, bud.
You couldn't hoist one up, you fucking little... So this is what happened.
Right? I got an MRI done. I'm sorry. On my back. What's going on? And they were like, all of this pressure and disc slipping is from you carrying Bobby's career lately. And I said, that can't be showing up on the MRI. They go, trust me, it is. And we all see it. Yeah. And I said, who sees it? He goes, the community at large. And I said, the doctor community? He goes, buddy, social, social.
It's everywhere. Everyone can tell. So I got to get you off my back.
That's fucking awesome. I told you you could spell, you're good, buddy.
No, he did say my back issues are from. Interesting.
Because he's stubborn. Too many. Too many Koreans.
Long walks, grasshoppers. Grasshoppers, right. Lotus flowers. Lotus flowers. A bamboo arrangement.
It'd be so not relaxing. Okay. I have my little getaways. I go to my gym, I go on the cold plunge, I go in the sauna, I go in the steam room. You know who talks to me there? Fucking nobody. Fucking no one. I get in the cold plunge with my little tiny red penis and it's freezing cold and my little penis goes like this.
Dude, have you been in a cold plunge, by the way?
That's literally impossible. No, you don't.
Because the cold plunges, you couldn't go in for 10 minutes.
I don't know what it does. But they say three to five minutes is kind of the optimal time to get the benefits that you need. After that, you're kind of not... Because it's down to 45 degrees. I mean, they tell you in between 40 and 60 is the high end for cold plunge. But five to 10 minutes, you don't want to go any more than that. There's no need for it. Post-workout is two to three minutes.
Well, there's a metabolic boost you get. That's 11 minutes in total time over two to four sessions per week has metabolic recovery benefits, right? It's good for your muscle tissues. Yeah. It's great for me for my nerves because of my sciatic nerve. It's really good. It calms the nerve down. Ice is the best. Ice is the fucking best.
I believe you wholeheartedly. You doubt me. Knowing you, you could stay in there for 20 minutes, I bet. Okay. Because you're a strong boy.
You're a strong boy. Plus, your body's compact. You're not stretched out. So everything is close. Okay, anyway. No, I'm saying like your engine.
It doesn't have to go that far. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's true. My limbs are long.
Where is your, what did she mean by that?
Can you imagine if a guy said that to you in a spa at all? Yeah. He's like, do you want to find your G-spot?
Well, let's play that out. Yeah, I'm in the tub with you. Do you... What's up? Sorry, I just... Yeah, I usually don't... Well, for a living, I just kind of... I'm like a life coach, health coach. Okay, what's up? Have you ever found your G-spot as a man? I'm done. Thanks, man. Oh, you already found it? Excuse me? Can I help you find it?
I'll be clipping, dude. This is more of your stock right there.
Can I help you find your G spot? I'll do it for free.
It's in your butt. It's in your butt. I have two. I help men find it in their butt.
I found it. You already got it. I just found it just now. Can I try to find another one for you?
Yeah. Well, if you say so, go ahead. Give him here. Yeah, yeah. I put this, so this wand, you see this wand that I have? It looks exactly like my penis. Yeah. You know, I've watched Harry Potter.
Well, if you turn around and I say this magic phrase and I put my wand in there, it'll detect where you're spotted. Oh, well, you know what? I'll give it a go.
Why not? Is it in? Expellius. Is it in? Jizzius. Yeah. Okay. Is it in? Did you find it? How rude. I found it. Yeah, yeah. Did you? I can't feel it. Okay. Yeah. Well. Yeah. Have a good day. Have a safe drive. Yeah. Did you know about the $2? Oh, yeah. Tell me. Tell me about it. Got to have a washer wash. Dude, I actually, I walked into the steam room the other day. I did have a guy.
I walked in naked. Traditionally, you put on a towel in the steam room because you sit down. But I walked in naked because no one was there. It was after hours. Yeah. And I walked in because I was a little bit in pain. And so I walked in with my cock out and I was like, ugh. Ugh. I was like grunting through the pain because my pain was strong. I hear a guy go, you okay, man?
And I can't see him in all the steam in the fog. I go, fuck, dude. I didn't know someone was in here. I'm so sorry, dude. And he's like, it's okay. You want me to get out of here? I was like, no. You don't have to go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does that mean? Like lamenting in pain?
No, he doesn't. That's why he won't do stand-up. I told you, he's not. Yeah, you're not. Yeah. Give us a joke. Let me hear you do a bit. Did you say, oh, God? Did you say, oh, God? You don't want to be on the show anymore. You don't have to be on the show. Your attitude. Your attitude is fucking bananas. By the way, Pete has been pleasant all day. And said shit. Brought us cookies. Yeah, yeah.
Try Huel with 15% off today using code BADFRIENDS at my.huel.com slash BADFRIENDS.
And you know what else they love? Oh, fuck.
They love a good babbling brook, running water. They love just a little like, little bubbles of water, right?
You know why? That's why the American government created the $2 bill. What? For $2 fucky fucky.
Pete's wife cooked us some cookies. Oh, that was me. You said your wife. No, no, that was me. I baked them. Oh, I don't want this. Oh, no, no, they're good.
Okay, give them to me. You know, what's his name does that? He prints his own $2 bills. What's the guy that's- Who does this? One of the Microsoft guys. What's one of the Microsoft guys $2, huh?
Is that, just type in Microsoft $2 bill. No, no. What's the eccentric guy? What are you talking about? No, maybe it's the Apple guy. What's the guy? Steve Wozniak. Did he print his own? Look at this. Steve Wozniak prints his own $2 bills. Go back to Google search. There he is. Go down. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Steve Wozniak's probated. Well, that's good. Let's move on. Um,
God, dude. Jesus Christ. All I do on this show, all I do is set us up for material and joke. Yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam. Go ahead. Unreal. Unreal today.
I don't like the smell. Do you want this? You want one? Yeah, yeah. Good catch. What are those called? What are these called? Peanut butter blossoms. You want one, sweetheart?
So anyway. Dude, watching you not be able to rock in that chair is so funny. Don't get jealous because daddy be rocking. Yeah?
Honestly, you and I have sent them to each other before. I do actually love them.
God bless, dude. God bless, dude. I'm going to have a little taste of Pete's.
No. First of all, he's not. Bobby's going to live. I already told you. I spoke to my- I've never regretted something more in my life.
And I don't ever want to not see you. Okay.
No, no, no. Yeah. What? Two million subs. We're not at singing. We're not. Two million subs. Two million subs. Two million subs. We appreciate every single one of you. Watch it. It's constantly. Two million subs. Watch it constantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn it off now. All right. Turn it off now. We did it. All right? By the way, that's jazz? That was jazz? I love jazz. So where are we at now?
Sorry I couldn't make it to the show. I was trying to secure something for us. Okay, that's good. And I'm sorry that I didn't call you back with those names because I was on a date.
And Scott, Jason Bateman and all your friends. This is you trying to grab onto something. I don't know what happened. I was trying to secure something for us. Is it plausible? Okay. And I would like a little backup. Is it plausible? You can't say I'd like backup. You got it. Is it plausible that he would be having dinner with either Charlie Day or Jason Bateman? No. Thank you.
That's right, and I said I'm at a business dinner.
You're an extension of his dick. You always have been and that's why I betray you.
Yeah, yeah. You're so glued to him and you're such, crawled so deep in his ass. This is him. You can't even see. Holding onto my cock. I know, that's him. Yeah, all right?
Resilience doesn't count anymore. Have you noticed that in our society? You know what I mean? Dynamic personalities. You know? Laziness. Being authentic. Being lazy. Being authentic. Being lazy.
Charismatic, right? You come from a time of do less, get more. It's over now, pal. Do nothing and get more. You do nothing.
That's where I come from. You know what I mean? And I've risen. Because that's the truth. You're welcome. You know what? You're welcome. No, you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. No, you're fucking welcome. You're very lucky to have me. You're very lucky to have me. And I've said that out loud so many times. You can clip it.
I've said it on all these other podcasts that I'm so lucky that Andrew asked me to do this podcast. I adore him.
But I haven't seen one thing that you've said that about me. He knows that's not true. Anyway.
Bring McCone into it. Yeah, you've seen it. All right. No, I said bring up. You see it when you're so caught up with his fucking ass.
Well, then don't say you're not gonna talk to him again, because yes, you are. Yeah, in like sporadic, like when I called you today.
Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. A power move.
Gold belly. Look, I have gold belly on my phone. Do you know why? During COVID, it was the only way I lived. That's how you lived, yeah. I got pies from South Carolina. I got pizzas from Chicago. I got cakes from New York. I got the best... from all over the country through Gold Belly. It's the best. Have you heard of it, Andrew? I know it very well.
And y'all, man. I like barbecue, man. They ship the legendary Franklin's barbecue straight from Texas to your door.
So if you're looking for that perfect gift or want to impress your friends and family with an epic meal next time you host, go to goldbelly.com and get free shipping and 20% off your first order with promo code BADFRIENDS. That's goldbelly.com. Code BADFRIENDS for free shipping, 20% off your first order. Talk space. Oh, boy. I had a lot of trauma growing up. You know how I fixed it?
And I'm working on it through therapy. And no one does it better than Talkspace, y'all.
Well, I mean, no. Are you on a safari? What did I do?
Oh, so Talkspace is the number one company that does this. Yeah. Right? They're the leading virtual therapy provider. makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers. Most insured members have a $0 copay.
Bluetooth. I'm 53. Okay. Sometimes my ding dong don't work. And how do you activate your ding dong? I activate with the best thing out there, which is Bluetooth. I have it. You know, Carlos, I use it, right? And I tell you about my experiences.
I know, me too. And it works so good. One for you, one for me. Yeah, one for you, one for me.
Yeah, but I take it, and y'all listen to me right now, okay? It totally works, right? Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And start now. Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks up and your neighbor's socks up. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making.
Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information, and we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.
I spit on his back. You can do whatever you want. You spit on his back when you're loving him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You weren't loving him. So let me say something about the show. I did lie a little bit. Yeah. The show was sold out. Of course it was. I added your name late. You don't need anybody's help. You're a shooting star. I was still excited that you were going to be there.
And I'm sorry that I was in the midst of a romantic date and I forgot about your fucking call.
She did. And I'm so glad it's out. That's so stupid. And when I look at her, there's a deep resentment. I do love her.
You, you. But that's what you're doing. No, what you fucking did, dude, the water, right? The donut, right? The fucking Trump letter.
Right? Angry grandma. I mean, you could even rattle up more. There's so many different things.
Borderlands reviews. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Borderland reviews, all right? How many can I take from you, right? You don't ever prank him. Wait, but time out. Do you hear what you're saying?
Because when you came in here, you're like, I have a gripe with you. I do. About the fucking golf thing.
That's not true. Can we just end it there? No. Why can't we just be even? You always had that leg up. Because it's true. That's how Wham broke up. George Michael said to the other guy. I don't know the other guy's name. He was like, yeah, man. You know what I mean?
Yeah, that's what you're going to do.
You're Paul Simon. I'm Art Funko Funko.
And he's a friend of mine. I thought it was rude what you just said. Still?
What's been going on, Los? See, his, you know how he's very sensitive, and he just, like, out of there, he just was like so defensive, right? Right. It's drug behavior.
Yeah, I'm Mr. AA convention guy. I'm on the dance floor. Sudden changes in behavior. No, I'm straightforward. I think what happened today was a little sudden. I wasn't. It tracks well with who I am, though. It does track very well.
No, you didn't. I'll tell you what you said. You fuck. You fucker, dude. I know what you said.
Oh, thank you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I went to a meeting Monday. I went to a meeting Monday.
So he calls me. I pick up. I'm on speakerphone in my car, right? And as soon as I pick up, I go to Andrew. I go, watch what you say. You know, I'm on a date, right? And he goes, how did the surgery go on your nutsack? Did you get that thing burnt off? Burnt off. And she wasn't laughing like... Cracking up. No, this is how she... She was dying laughing. This is how she was laughing.
Okay, I'm the owner of Ichiban Japanese Restaurant.
And we have a new waiter. Who is it? Carlos. Oh. I'm the owner. I own a chain of them. You do? Right. And he starts pulling pranks on me. Oh, he's pranking the owner? Yeah, yeah. Pranking the owner. Like what? The owner's going to have enough. He's putting his balls on the walk? Yes. He's goofing. In the stir-fried noodles, he puts his butt hairs. Oh, no. Which is something that he would do.
You know what I mean? It's good for morale. The owner's wife would think that. No one wants cum on their tofu.
Tofu's pretty bland. That is true. It does help. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you keep that. I like the cum on the tofu. No more hair in the fucking stir-fry. They complain all the time. Right? But it's like, would you prank him? The owner of a chain.
You hire who you love and they betray you. Yeah. I just don't think that in a situation of any boss, you know what I mean? Employee situation. Got it. The employee would talk to the boss or do things like that. But he thinks in this environment, I guess if we weren't doing this, we'd be friends. But this is like more of a business. I get it. Yeah. Right.
That's true. Today. That is true. That happened today, right? That happened literally today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, two million. Yeah, two million. Baby, thank you so much. You know what I mean? Oh my God.
But has that anything to do with Bad Friends or our comedy?
So far, it's good. Let me, can I judge your story from now on? Sure. From here? Sure. Right? Bueno story.
Yeah, it's positive. You like comedy? Because he now knows who you are.
I know, but that's what it sounds like right now.
Have I have ruined my 200 fucking get ready.
She was like... Looking at me like this. Like as if it was true, dude. What did you say?
I'll tell you another story. I wasn't going to bring this up, but this happened last night. This is real, dude. What? I do a show. We love you, Adam. I don't. I love you, Adam. Right now, we don't. No, I love you. No, no, no. You know you don't. I love him so much. It's a war. It's a war with us, Adam. All right. So I'm going to tell you another thing. Last night.
you know i'm the guy on the list sometimes you're the guy you're all you're always the guy right do well right and then i get a tag hey man you there at the store i go yeah ron white no who's that you mean fuck yeah i'm on my way Theo. Oh, Theo. Right? Your buddy. He shows up. Yeah. Not even on the lineup. A group of girls in the hallway, they had already seen me perform. Loved it.
It's fine. Yeah, I was playing along with it. And then when we hung up, I had to tell her, oh, that was a joke. She goes, really?
They didn't say anything. Yeah, they loved it. Right? They see Theo and they go, can we get a photo with you? I'm standing right next to Theo. So they're all grouped up, right? And then one of the girls saw that I was sad. Say the line, you know what I mean? Can we get a photo with you, Theo?
That's what it was about to happen. No. But one of the girls goes, you can be in it too.
Yeah. It's over. We should do Falling Down Part Two. Can we make you happy? At this point, I don't think today.
I bet you not. And if what you're about to do doesn't make me happy, I'm going to be even more mad.
You're trying to sabotage me there, guy.
Yeah, I told her I was a rocket scientist. A scientist? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, look at the part. Anyway, so I was upset. So I'm doing a show in the belly room, okay? Tickets were bad. It sold out.
Oh, my God. I love Rocket Money. Do you know why? I love saving money. You do. You know how many subscriptions I used to have? It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Three video games. A meditative one. Some of these I don't even use anymore.
It's easy. Rocket Money has Dashboard that gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts. That's exactly right. It's so easy. Easy to create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep you spending on track. is going.
Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name, Bad Friends, in the survey so they know we sent you.
Shopify! Andrew, nobody does selling better than who? Shopify. Of course. Home of the number one checkout on the planet Earth. That's right.
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell whatever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between.
Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase.
I got these chocolate chip cookies, by the way, if you want some.
You're a liar. Dude, you're lying. I'm not a liar. Don't lie to our fans. I'm not lying to anybody.
We got 2 million subscribers and you're lying. Congratulations to us. To us. Thank you for 2 million subscribers. Jesus, dude. How many more of those do you have? Don't do another one. It scared the shit out of me. I had non-flashbacks. Down, down. Down, down, down. Yeah, stop that. Helpful, helpful. All right, so I'm struggling to sell out the belly room. This is so not true. It was sold out.
Juan Carlos Gomez Lopez. Is that a new basketball player? Who is that? Juan Carlos Gomez Lopez.
So this is what happened. This kid, American citizen, born in Atlanta, Georgia, went to Florida, got pulled over, and then he was in ICE custody. But if he's an American citizen, I don't understand. And then the mom showed up with his fucking birth certificate. And the judge said, ICE has him. Well, there's also, he's got too many names. Go back up.
It's like, yeah, it's like if you meet a white guy named Kevin, Steve, you know what I mean?
Yeah, but he was still in custody for hours and hours. Crazy. That's crazy. But he came back. And then for Kilmar Abrego Garcia. Again, too many names. I know. But, you know, the senator went down to El Salvador to visit him and he sat down with him. Really? Oh, that's him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see them all the time. And I always point. I go, I want to go there. Or Hardee's. Hardee's is good, too. Oh, my God.
I don't know what kind of bread this is, but it's called Texas bread.
That's what it's called. Texas toast. And then, so I'll get a breakfast sandwich with that. You know what I mean? But, you know, they're a little rude.
And also, just push pause for a second. It only happens to be black people. I didn't even notice that.
Yes. That's so funny. You deserve that.
Look at her. Guys, cut it out. Not by the burner. If you're in the wall falls, you and I... we would already be in our car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gone. I've had Team Z put a camera to my face. I hate it. What do you think of this? I don't say anything. I get so nervous.
Oh, yeah. And I always pull them aside and go, you know, all right.
Right there to the left. Young Bobby Lee, look. No, go back. That thing right there, the shorts? The first one. Yeah, that. That's you. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Wow. Look at how young you are. I know. Oh, my God. My comedy was so bad back then.
I don't know. I wouldn't say anything. I don't know what was worse. But Cone saying that or the weasel laughing. I can't describe you. I can't figure it out. What am I more angry about? You know what I mean? Carlos, you want to pop up and defend yourself, buddy?
Yeah, yeah. You know what? When I do my special, you guys aren't coming.
Whenever I do it, you're not going to go. Are you serious? Yeah.
There's no way. I want positive people there.
You're not going. And, you know, a lot of people on the streets are just like, we can't wait. We'll be there. We're going to support it. All my community, the community, Tim Dillon, everybody, everyone's like into it. And the people that work for it.
Oh, my God. So I was like, you know, who do I... I need a favor. You're going to piss me off so hard. Can I have my point of view? But it's... In court, I get my time on the stand.
Yeah, they can't wait. You're a crusher. And finally, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know. And a lot of fans can't wait. And the people that are close to me that are part of my team supposedly are against me. What does that mean? What would you do in a situation like this?
The leader of the free world's house. I can't slam you? Oh, now you're turning it around on me. I slam him over his dad, right? When he slams me, what, I keep it quiet? Keep it quiet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets immediately defensive, like, oh, but you, you know what I mean?
No slams allowed? I can't do that? No. I did that.
I'll swear on... Swear on the kitty. The kitty, okay? But so, I swear. I swear to God. Okay, so... So I get, I get this belly room show. It's a new joke night. And I'm like, we put it on the market and it's slow because of the economy and whatnot. And it's also, you know, my name doesn't have the kind of value.
Yeah. I could go to a foreign land, though, I think. Where? Where?
I don't either. I heard it. Flyer or something.
And see the coral reef over there? Yeah. That's where you're going to see my dead body.
Three days bloating. They haven't found me in three days. I washed up under that coral reef. You're not going swimming. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, you're beaching it. Yeah.
Stop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop it. That's where I'll die. Go somewhere foreign. After May, I just want to say this now. It was really good to know you. Everyone here.
It's like, I don't care. I get my time in court. Your honor objection. I get my time in court. Do I not?
From the bottom of my heart, honestly, before Bad Friends, I feel like I was just not doing anything important or making a wave in my creativity, and the family that we've gotten from Bad Friends has been such a surprise, and it's really keeping me alive, I think. So I just really appreciate the love and the support. I'm going to get a new staff eventually. You know what I mean?
So there might be some changes, but Andrew and I will always be here.
I'm like, I might have to use some of my friends. So I call Whitney Cummings. And guess what? Twice Whitney showed up for me. Tim Dillon showed up for me last week, okay? And I was sure that my best friend, right? When you think about friend, right? You think about a man, right? Your best friend, a man that's a ride or die, right? That no matter what's going on, he's going to be there for me.
Well, you know, I just came up with a new nickname with Andrew and I. I'm Little China and he's Big Trouble.
And that's what the definition of friendship. It's a love. It's a brotherhood, right? If we were in the army, another Vietnam reference, okay? Right? I would need his back in a warlike situation. You would hide behind me. You know what? And you're right. When I wasn't selling tickets, I hid behind you because I needed you. No, no, no. Yeah, so then once I put Andrew's name on the flyer, right?
Oh, yeah. That's the tickets going up.
You're done. I'm not done. You're done. Right? So then as soon as I put his name on the flyer. No. Right, right? And so now I'm at the show, right? I'm calling Andrew. Driving me nuts. Osha Kasher. Nick Thune showed up for me. You know, I don't even know Nick that well. Showed up for me. And then all of a sudden I go, just get here from 8.30 to nine. I did text you that. And what did I say?
Nothing. I'm at a business dinner. I can't make, I'll show it. I'll show it too, right here. I'll show it. Let me show it first. I'll show it. All right, so Andrew Santino.
It's so funny what you're doing, right? Read it. I am going to read it. It does say that. But can I say this? You go, what time is it? I'm at dinner. That's at 6.50. 7 o'clock. The dinner was a 7.30 dinner. Okay. Stop. Okay. Then I say at 6.50 immediately, just get here from 8.30 to 9. Then you text me at 10.30. After the show's over. Sorry I couldn't come. After the show's over.
So the whole time I'm like going out to the lot. I don't see Andrew's car. Hey, guys, is Andrew here? No, no show, right? I'm running around like a fucking animal, dude, right? And I'm going, he's not here. And then at 1030, when the show's over, then you text me, and that's the truth right here. You can read it right here. Truth. So your honor, I rest my case.
And then the next day you call me and go, hey, can you – Do something racist for my Korean buddy I'm doing an interview for.
No, your honor. I don't want to do something racist against another Korean person.
Is somebody in there that's shaked? Is someone in the cake? Yeah, somebody's peeing in there or something's in there. You know what it is? You know what it is? Huh? It's fucking Carla. Carlos isn't here, right? And he's in here. And I'm going to say this right now, dude. If Carlos pops out of there, I will literally get up and leave the podcast. All right?
I don't want anyone to get out of there until we're done with this podcast. Right? So an hour later, that better not open into the end.
I don't care who's in there. What if it's someone that you love? But it's not. What if it's someone you love? It's Carlos because he's not there. You think I'm dumb? And let me say something about last week, about the fucking Trump letter, okay? All right?
And I was on therapy today, and I swear to God on my mother's life, if something pops out of there until we say thank you for being a fat friend, I will fucking leave. I don't give a fuck. Right. Okay? Okay. So whoever's in there, I hope you took a piss and I took a shit because you're going to stay there for the next hour. Okay.
all right and so that's the fact okay whoever's listening i know if you're a girl beautiful girl whatever a stripper whatever what if it is a beautiful girl i'll forgive it but if it's carlos herrera right i will fucking leave come on out beautiful girl yeah
You stayed in there for the whole time. You didn't even listen to me. That was the rule.
I'll tell you why I'm really upset. Clearly he's really upset. I'm going to tell you, because I went to therapy today. It's not about the cake, is it? No, it's deeper than that.
I'll tell you what it is. When I was in eighth grade, okay, I bought parachute pants.
Because I was breakdancing. And there was a group, Major Tomo or something. I don't know what they were called. You know what I mean? But they were like the breakdancing group. That was the crew. Crew. And they heard that I wanted to be a part of it. Right. So they go, show up to this warehouse because there was an industrial zone in Poway. You know what I mean? So my mom dropped me off there.
And I went there, and they weren't there. And I walked home crying, okay? And then a couple of months later, the same crew goes, yo, we're so sorry about that. Go to Tommy Huddleston's, Tom, I forgot his last name, but party tonight. It was a Friday. And I showed up. There was no party, and it wasn't even his address.
You can't play this game. Look at him. He looks like an accountant. He's an accountant part three. The new one. This next one. And this guy, he's a f***ing sell.
Right. And then I cried again. Yeah. I mean, Carlos, stop it.
And so what I'm saying is- I understand the pain.
I'm not, why am I- You were a part of the water gig.
He was a part of the water gig. He was a part of the fucking Trump letter.
And at the end of the day, I look like a fool. Is that good? I'm a fool. Stop. I'm a fool.
Oh, I'm the blind leading myself in the blind.
Dude, I swear to fucking God, dude. What are you doing? You want to go to blows? You want to go to blows with me?
No, he'll beat me because he's younger and more athletic.
You know what I mean? Well, don't give him that. Okay. So now.
You're the mastermind. Oh, my God. You're the wizard behind the curtain. What are you talking about, dude? No, it's not true.
Fuck you, guy. Andreas, fuck you, dude. Listen, you're the wizard behind the fucking thing, right? I'm a co-host. You don't get pranked ever. Prank me. I don't want to because that's not my style. That's right. Exactly.
Because you texted him to pop out of the fucking- Because I knew he was in it. That's how I know. You think I'm blind? Time out. You think that I'm blind? When he was in there, you texted him, pop out. Yeah. When I directly said, don't do it right. He can't breathe in there. Who's the wizard, dude? You're the wizard, dude. What do you want? You're full of lies.
Anyway. No, I'm mad at you. I call Bobby. I'm mad at you more. Nice try, dude. Good one. Nice try. Look at your face, dude. Nice try. It's a sad face. You get all red. And you know in your eyes. In your eyes, dude, you know you're wrong. I just read it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a good show. Fuck you, dude. That's not a good show. I know. It is. No, it's bad. It's so funny to think that he's going to be stuck there for a whole hour. He doesn't care. Miserable.
Yeah, yeah. So don't tell me that you had nothing to do with it.
There was three people in the booth. There were times that he's not here. When? Have there not been times that you haven't been? When I know he's back in Texas and you do too. Right. So in my mind, I was like, I don't know his schedule.
I saw this thing wiggle and I go, he's in there, right? And in my mind, he's the last guy I want to see right now.
not know what his schedule is we talk every day so anyway what I was thinking is that you know what I'm gonna make him punish him it wasn't gonna trust me this is more punishment and then you texted him like the wizard that you are dude come out right and you're like come out which means to tell me there's something about it and anyone listening the fans right You know that I speak the truth.
This goes back to the fucking him not showing up to my show. It's all linked together, you know? Now, I have to say something right now that I'm going to come clean.
Okay? I lied about those stories. About the break dancing. I know. Yeah, and Tommy Huddle. I don't know. Yeah, I knew those were lies. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Because you can't dance. Oh, I'm a dancer, dude. You cannot dance. Watch me. Get up and do it. Oh, I'll dance out of here. Fucking do it. Yeah, because if I dance out of here, right, you're going to call me and come back.
Well, we need to finish the two million. Don't ask me to dance out of here because I will.
So then I grab my gun and I go downstairs. You have a gun? In my underwear.
Yeah. What kind? I have a Glock. Okay, so you bring your Glock. I bring my gun downstairs. Yeah. And I walk outside. That's me. That's what I look like from American History X. Yes. And I was outside scanning around for the noises that I was hearing because I was hearing noises then after the shot. So I thought- Can you- Someone's on the run from the cops in my mind and they're jumping into yards.
That's my biggest fear is someone tries to like break into your house. This happened last night? No, no, no. This is like four nights ago.
And you're saying I'm rich. You used to have a helicopter waiting for you at all hours of the night?
Because we live five minutes away from each other.
Okay, so fucking, I didn't hear a helicopter. I'm scared. It's quiet outside. There's rustling and banging and I'm nervous, right? And I'm very scared because I think this is how I die. She's fine. I'll get killed. Is your wife sleeping? She's wide awake. She's scared because we both heard it. And then of course I'm out there and rustling, rustling. I go peek around the corner.
Oh, it's just a raccoon on a garbage can.
He had a gun. A little raccoon with a gun. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was just trying to get food. I think you're lying. Yeah, I am.
Had to have been not super late, but like, I mean, not early in the morning, maybe like 1 a.m. It wasn't that. It was like I just had started to fall asleep just after midnight.
You're the only one for me. No, I know you have a couple. Name one. Charlie Day. That's not my best friend. He's a buddy.
He does it all the time. I've shared more than I've taken away.
I share more than I hoard. Hey, Hey, Bobby is here saying the manager at Boulevard, BLVD, says that I go there twice a week or I go there all the time. How many times have we gone there? Thank you. We've only been. Was it in the same week? No. Months apart. Twice that you're aware of.
Why? Why? Is that not the truth? I've only been twice. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. That's bullshit.
But first of all, twice a week is chaos.
I don't hoard from you and it's not deliberate. But I've introduced you to a lot of spots. Let's be honest. I've taken you to spots and I've gone, I think you'd like this. And he knows that's true. And you go, this is really good. Thank you for telling me.
That place is brand new, but the Italian place was my little spot. Yes, that was- Are you bored of that? Can you admit that? I'm fine. That's fine. Okay, okay.
You know why? All right. Can I tell you why? Because I like to go alone. I used to like to go to that place alone. Okay.
When I walk in a room, the theme song of friends comes on.
That's how many friends I have. Everywhere I go, I'll be there for you. Or cheer. Yeah. Where everybody knows your name.
Okay. Hadouken, wave motion, or fist of surge. Special attack from Capcom Street Fighter. Anyway. Sorry. So you're at a firefighter show.
That sounds like a you thing. Then a me thing. And I'm your best friend or one of them. Apparently you don't have any fucking friends. So I'm not even your best friend. You don't even have any friends. That's more.
Name one person on earth that's not blood to you, that cares about you the way I care about you. Gene Hong. Gene Hong? Does he check in? Yeah. I could text you right now. He texted me today. What did he say today? I'll show you.
Oh, this is interesting. Like the group of the friends? That's interesting. That's an interesting thing to bring up, Your Honor. Did you just, interesting, interesting, interesting. The group, which means dumbfounded. Okay, okay. Who else is in your little group? Ali Wong. Who else is in your little group? We went bowling.
Yeah. Oh, no, you would just, you would just give them information they shouldn't fucking have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, speaking of lawyers. Let's not go to this yet.
No, I didn't. No, I didn't. What I said was- You rubbed it in my face. I said, it's blasphemy. And I said to Carlos- With a smirk. I said, he's going to be pissed off. Tom DeLonge is being inducted into the Poway High School Hall of Fame. Tom DeLonge of Blink-182. By the way, the thing that I was upset about was there was another woman that was inducted who... I don't think it's famous.
Oh, right. What? I forgot. Yeah, yeah.
I thought you said it was a pear counselor at first, and I thought, yeah.
I didn't know they did counselors by shape.
You were a peer counselor. You were on two sports.
Well, if people that were born in the year 2000, a 24-year-old doesn't know. When did Sixth Sense come out?
No, I think they're basing it on the fact that you are free, creative, wild, unhinged, And these people on that list are probably bridled, protected, safe. You're free. You're an artist.
Not at the firefighter show. Your end's always open.
You're a welder or whatever. I've also never, never in my life seen an Asian carpenter.
I've never seen an Asian. Look, Google, are there Asian carpenters? I cannot. Was Jesus Asian? No. I don't think there's ever been an Asian carpenter. Yes, there are Asian carpenters. There are buildings? Who built the buildings in Asia? The buildings in Asia? We send white people over there. No, no, no, no. Africans. Not Africans. There's a guy's Instagram called the Asian carpenter.
But if it doesn't happen, I understand. It should happen and I don't understand. And I will say this. I'm going down to San Diego to do shows down there. I'm thinking about stopping by. No, when are you going? Paying a little visit. When are you going? I think it's in February. I don't know.
Yeah, you do. I think I'm going to pay a little fucking visit to Poway.
I think it's the move. In fact, you know what I would love to do? Yeah. Doug Stanhope used to do shows at Montreal across the street from the corporate venues or whatever.
We should do a show across the street, a pop-up show across the street from Poway High. Where is Poway? Look at Poway and what's across the street. Is it like a field or something? I think there's a theater attached to Poway High School. I don't know if you can rent that out. It's got to be theirs, though. Well, that's right. That's on them. Yeah. Listen up.
If there's anybody at the Performing Arts Center.
There is no Hall. We don't have a Hall of Fame, but I'm in like the Wikipedia page. Yeah, me too. I'm in the Wikipedia. Yeah, no, we don't have a Hall of Fame. Yeah, yeah. You don't have one? No, it's actually very weird. Why don't you start one up? Well, I've never heard of this until your school. Do you guys know about your Hall of Fame having... Andres, I'm clearly not asking you.
You didn't go to high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean... Well, Carlos, your school doesn't have a Hall of Fame.
What is going on with this? They're always handing out buckets. They need money, these guys? What's going on with these guys? Dude, fighting fire is expensive.
Well, we have we have a not so I know what you're saying, although yours isn't impressive either. Let's be honest.
Not a real thing. Nobody cares. Okay. Nobody cares. Not a real thing. Nobody cares. I care. Yeah, but that's a bullshit. Don't make a real thing. Tom DeLonge. One guy. Yeah, that's the guy. No, you're not there. You're not even on it. So no, that's wrong. It's not you. All these other people are nobodies. You're wrong.
Tony Gwynn. That was the only one. And by the way, these guys don't even know who Tony Gwynn is. Only I do because I like baseball. Well, they need one from your school. Andrew Santino. I know. That's it. No, there is actually a lot. A lot of pro athletes. Oh, that's good. A lot of athletes. Okay, good.
Wow. Benedict Wong, Bill Paxton, and Bobby Lee. Who did the check mark?
And television shows. I've been a series regular on a couple of TV shows. One of the most famous of a remake of a TV show as well.
Don't show us any more sperm banks. Is that where you're going to pop up? Yeah, no more sperm banks. No more sperm banks. You can bring up some other bullshit if you had it. I saw you digging.
No, it's not embarrassing. You deserve to be recognized. What do you got? What is that? What is this? What do you got?
His name's just Luke Chinese. He's the best. There's three ways to say gay in Chinese.
Yeah, but those are extra shiny. See, that's why it starts to get real gay. They're in the firehouse. They're shining it up all day with their shirts off. They're just lifting weights. They have their hoses out. Mm-hmm. There's a pole. There's a pole. There's a pole. There's a pole.
It was overall, yeah. What do you mean? Well, you said the overall shape. It wasn't overall shape. Oh, so that's... Sorry, oval all shape.
He educates people on how to say things in Chinese. Carlos just goes for how to say gay in Chinese. In case you go to China, is that what that's for?
Interesting. And we just might. And you know, when we go to Singapore, you better be on your best behavior. They will lock you up for fucking around over there. You know this, right?
I'm not making a joke. Well, what fuck around would get me in trouble?
Yeah, yeah. If you spit gum on the ground, they beat the shit out of you. Look up crazy laws in Singapore. It's nuts. They're going to get you, bud. Chewing gum is not illegal, but selling it is. The penalty for selling gum is up to $100,000. Can we try to smuggle some gum across the... Yeah, that's why we're bringing McCone. All right. Second one is bad for you. So here's the thing.
Smoking is illegal everywhere, and e-cigarettes are banned.
Smoking is illegal in most places. E-cigarettes are banned. If caught smoking in public, you can face up to $800 fine. Oh, fuck it. I have $800. Connecting to someone else's Wi-Fi-
All the time. Whoa. Wait, that's punishable? Three years of jail? My debt? Oh, no. Or $10,000 fine?
Yeah, dude, I jaywalk all the time. Not flushing a public toilet, leaving poop or piss in a urinal can result in $150 fine. That's it. I'm not going.
This one's going to hurt you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking naked at home. There's a penalty for walking around naked at your own home. Insane. Feeding pigeons. This one's from McCone. That's a criminal offense, buddy. Yeah, I got you. $500 fine. That's on you, dude. Don't get any ideas. So what's it? Singing in public. Oh, shit. Singing or reciting. So Jet Ski is going to be in deep shit.
You think, quick? Yeah, so fast. Oh yeah. Wait a minute. Being homosexual, punishment is up to two years in jail.
Drinking alcohol between 10 p.m., 10.30 p.m. and 7 a.m. What does that say? What? It doesn't say. I don't see that. Oh, yeah, there it is. Holy shit. Oh, no. Oh, what? We can't fly a kite that interferes with public traffic. Oh, no, dude. What are we going to do with all that fucking kites? We've got a whole bin of kites. Yeah, dude. That sucks. We were going to bring all those. So what's busking?
Is singing for money on the street. Busking, you know, when you're like singing with a hat. I was going to bring my acoustic guitar. Dude, we should be busking. We should busk over there. Can you imagine they fucking arrest you for busking? That's insane. Firecrackers, pirated content are banned, pornographic stuff. I mean, we're not going to bring any magazines, I guess. Okay, wait, wait.
Yeah. You have VPN. Got to get a VPN on your phone.
Yeah, then you can watch whatever you want. That's what I do.
Me neither. Oh, they have them there?
Well, because it's 10 men. Yeah, but what if I know those men? Wait, what's... Oh, shit, John. Club de Emperor. We're a bit run down. The women are beautiful, which makes for good eye candy. Well, they're honest. Okay. So they do have it out there. I guess, but it doesn't really look like... Is porno... Carlos, we gotta go.
Hell yeah. Is porn illegal in Singapore? I feel like it... Yes.
I also have a list of places that we can go because my friends that have gone have told us there's spots that are great. Yeah, yeah. Scary Times USA?
I had a great time. I like doing it.
Well, that's beautiful and sad at the same time.
What? Yeah, you agree. Yeah, but you know what? Yeah. You're honestly, though. Oh, yeah. You speak your mind. You are skating on thin ice.
What did I do that's so bad besides- He's the last couple of times he said to me that you're frustrating him for some reason. And I think it's because, look, you run the Instagram account for Bad Friends, right?
I think a little bit of that follower number is going to your head a little bit.
Yeah. See? It's going to his head. Are you using it to DM people?
This does sound like some spy shit though. It's spy shit, dude.
That's what we're saying. That's not a good thing. You're working both sides. So what's the real endgame?
That's not it. What's the real endgame?
So you daydream about telling Bobby to go fuck himself. That's like a moment.
Oh, this is like an immersive dream where you feel it.
But you feel it. You're saying fuck you to him and it feels good in your dream.
And can I tell you something about that? Tell me about it. When you said fight hate with love. Yeah. You know who did that? Oh, yeah. Jesus. That's right. And what did your counselor in high school tell you to be?
You are a carpenter. And you're a carpenter of the soul. So what you're doing is you're building- Building cabinets. Well, a love castle is what I was going to say. Okay, yeah. You're building a love castle. And other things. Of course. Gazebos and whatnot. Sure, they have to be built on the outside, but build the love castle.
It wasn't even a good joke. It wasn't even funny. We waited for a fucking bomb.
We waited for a fucking bomb and stairs on the ceiling. Dude, why did you laugh so hard at that? Because he knew how bad it was. Oh my God, it was pretty bad. Oh my God. They look like fucking stairs, dude. Hey, Bobby's building a love castle, cabinets and gazebos. Yeah. And if Carlos is going to come at you throwing fireballs of hate flame, guess what?
You have a love shield and you did a benefit for firefighters so they will be there if you need them.
To put out this negative fire. Exactly. That's really what I feel.
I've got another one I'd like to fucking air out.
I'd love to air out a little grievance here if you don't mind.
Got a little something something with you.
Okay. This guy, he's going to Detroit with me this weekend, Detroit and Grand Rapids. I said, you know, I'm gonna get you out there so you can film and stuff like that.
What's my budget for cameras? That's what he says. What's my budget for cameras? My budget for cameras? I'm sorry. He's not Aaron Sorkin. No, he thinks he is.
What's my budget? Time out. This is an even better one. I said, well, let's get you the flights. Let's look at the flights. Very expensive flights. Weren't they? They were. Very expensive. I call. We take care of it. It's fine. Let's get the flights. Text. Hey, I'll show you. Hey.
Comfort plus or better. Then what did he say? Can I get comfort plus or better?
Go get him. Go fuck him up. Go fuck this guy up. He thinks he needs room for all of his camera equipment. I say, you're not going to put that under the seat.
All of it. They take all of it, first of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but 99, this movie came out. Okay. So kids born in 2000, 2001, young 20-year-olds, they wouldn't have seen this.
Really good. It's pretty good. Now, take notes, Spaniard. Yeah, yeah. That's the kind of shit we like over here. Yeah, that was a good one. That's going to get him back in the running.
All right, Carlos, clear the air finally. Just say what you need to say.
Because I know you want to just say it, so just say what you want to say.
No. That's not what it is. That's not what it is. What are you sorry about?
Yeah. Passionate. Do passionate, Fancy. Give me passionate. I love working with you, Bobby.
In a nice summer day. And you know what color it is? It's pink. It's purple. It's pink. It's grape. Black people love pink lemonade. They do. The way that we love Arnold Palmer's.
Yeah, you never will. I will. No, you will not. One day I will. Sir, wherever you are. Yeah. Come back to a show, sir. Let's see if we can really crack you. Yeah, anyway. Do you know how much money they raised for firefighters?
My grandfather was a firefighter. You know that? And I've talked to him over the years and I said, you know, cops get a lot of like flack. You know, cops are always, they're always like, cops are racist. You know, this is a lot of flack people say. I don't know about that. You never heard this? Never heard that. Good. But I think it's interesting that people always say like, oh, cops are racist.
All the cops are bad. All cops are racist. Firefighters never, no one ever says that about them.
They do, but fuck you. All right. 176 fire stations exist. Now, how many fires are there in the United States? In L.A. I will say this. They're out every day. Look at this. Approximately 17,000 fires in the city. That also includes like small shop front fire. Yeah. That's not a big. That's not. Exactly. It's not real.
And they go down the pool. They have way more medical emergencies in the West Hollywood Fire Department. That's all medical emergencies.
You know, we used to... Because when you get something stuck up your ass, they got to be there for all that.
They want to show off their big ladder. No, I think it's part of the... It's a part of... It's required that they have to show up with paramedics. Because in case someone's stuck in something or who knows. Well, here, let's get the fucking answer from this woman. The goal is to get help who needs it as fast as possible.
Ambulances can be delayed or unavailable at the time because paramedics also are EMTs. EMTs also can be firefighters or they have to be.
Would she get her heart shocked back into rhythm?
That's what they call the surgery? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the way, you know we've reached peak internet. Someone literally sent this to me yesterday. I can't believe I didn't text Carlos. What? You know how black dudes will get high and watch comedy stuff? Yeah. There's two black guys that got high to watch Bad Friends. No. And I was like, we made it. No, I don't want anyone watching. We made it. I don't even want to watch it.
I thought about doing something to it, but my doctors have always said it's okay.
You know they go through your belly button a lot. That freaks me out. They open up your belly button. My wife had surgery, they go through your belly button.
I would do it. You won't do that? Why'd you shake your head no?
Oh, my God. That's why you drive an old Accord?
Oh, I like that, too. You know what I mean? Click, click, click, click. Yeah, but think about it. If somebody follows you home, they grab you, they just put your arm up to the door. Oh, that's true. Right, right, right, right, right, right. Can't have that. Yeah. Okay. There was a bump in the night the other night by the house, by the way. I got nervous. I grabbed my gun.
You're literally gaslighting me. You're literally doing it. And let me say what you're doing. You're gaslighting me.
When black dudes get high and watch us. Do they watch? Yeah. Do they laugh? They were dying. Yeah. That made me feel so cool. That's like when a black guy calls you the N word. You know what I mean? And you're like, all right, I'll take it.
It's a big door. I'm 6'1". Right, right. I mean, all doors are big to you.
What is that? It's jealousy. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor, dude. Yeah, yeah.
You did a firefighter show? What did you say? A firefighter show? What did you think I said? A firefighter show. It's a firefighter show. It sounds the same.
I'm not being lying. Not bigger than 99% of the United States? Yeah. No, it's not. Let's move on. So what were you going to say? It's not even... Let's move on. What are you going to say? Well, if you let me tell the story, that's not it at all. Well, let me finish my little pointer here. Because there was a gunshot outside. Okay. It could have been in the house.
And then there was rustling next door. Okay. Continue. And then I got worried. All right.
So you're laying down. Well, I'm in one of my hyperbaric chambers that I sleep in. No, so I was in my money room and I was sleeping. I have a money room that I sleep in.
And I was swimming actually. I was taking a late night Scrooge McDuck swim. I have gold coins. Yeah. You have a moat. It's a 30 foot pool of money. Yeah. No, I'm sleeping. I hear a gunshot. I panic. Ooh. Then there's a text stream between our neighbors. Did anybody hear that? Who heard the blah, blah, blah? You know, like there's a, so then I'm really like on edge.
Hello. Hello there, mate. Bye. I'm Benson Tyson. We're coming to London, England, mate. And then Dublin, Ireland right after. I'm Tom Hardy. He's Tom Hardy. And I'm Andrew Santino. And we're going to London, England, July 18th. And then July 19th, we'll be in Dublin, Ireland. Tickets are available right now.
Like the show, they got numbers on them, right? They tell you who's left. Have you watched the show? Do you know what we're talking about? I've seen both seasons, yeah. Okay, and they got numbers on all the people. Yes. But is it so that we can tell? We can tell what? Well, who's 456 to 218? There's no fucking way we'd be able to tell.
That's AI. I thought that's the same guy.
I know what you're saying.
Is it for Western audiences to be able to know?
I don't know why you would jump to that fucking racist. That's a little much.
That is exactly. That's 100% what I was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Yeah. How much eye do we need? Like, I don't see more when I open mine.
Fuck you. I'm trying to see if I actually see less like you. I see just the same. And when I go like this, I don't see more stealing. I see less. You see less. I see way less.
Because you're doing a... No, no, stop. Can you see further?
Oh, so Asians can see further.
Got it. Well, no, no. That's so they can see through you. They can see the real soul within you. They can see what's going on. Yeah. We have that power. You know what I mean?
Go really concentrate and tell me what I got inside.
Whatever Andrew was saying.
I feel like you're opening your eyes more. I feel like you're seeing less deep. Trust the process.
Oh my God. Dude, I shit a lot. I wonder if that.
No, that's a good thing. You're the third guy. You're the third guy. Shitting less is bad. Okay. Shitting more is actually very good.
Are you worried about that stuff as we get up there a little bit?
As an old white? Yeah. It is something that we should consider. Prostate, colon, all that stuff. The only ones that I think you can snag for old white is prostate and colon. Those are the two you have to be able to snag. Old whites, my dad just beat prostate cancer. Bobby's dad lived to be 104, didn't have any cancer.
Isn't that funny? They don't get it.
Can't do it. No, wow, I can't. That is crazy. It's crazy. Is it not over there? Do you even care about these STDs and shit anymore? You're a married guy. It's so far beyond.
They can live through anything. They lived through the Holocaust. Yeah.
Four months? Yeah. What happened that made you want to get tested? What? What happened that made you want to get tested?
And I go, I think we should. What?
That makes sense. Can I ask you a question? I was watching a Larry David clip where you were on the show and you used the accent. Did he ask you? Did he like come to you? Yeah. Okay.
You're telling me there's nobody in LA that's Korean that doesn't have an accent?
So you don't like doing it.
John Cho. Can we look up John Cho?
I got to be honest, those Koreans are handsome. Some. No, they got some good looking fucking Asians over there. But no, I don't think you're ugly. Fuck you. No, I'm being honest. I don't think you're as ugly as you think you are.
It was not credited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly, though, the other one that was bad was Michelle Trachtenberg died the same day, right? In New York. Oh, that's not here? Yeah, it was in New York.
This boil looks weird, but who cares? Who cares? I've had boils before. I've had boils before. ZocDoc is a free app and a website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, right?
Mental health, dental health, primary care, urgent care, so much more.
The best part is I myself had to use ZocDoc. Didn't have to, but wanted to because I moved to a new neighborhood. Didn't want to go back to my old neighborhood and see my doctor again. Also, he had a little bit of an attitude. Needed a new doctor. I hate his attitude. Signed up for ZocDoc. You couldn't stand that guy. I hated that guy. And I signed up on ZocDoc. Dr. Kevorkian, right?
And it happened so fast. Dr. Kevorkian, yeah. Yeah. I had to get a new doctor, and it was worth it to use ZocDoc because it happened so quickly. I scored an appointment within a day and a half. It was amazing. Just 24 to 72 hours of booking, you can score those appointments, and sometimes even same day. Once you find that doctor, you can see all the patient reviews. It's amazing.
That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash badfriends. ZocDoc.com slash badfriends. Badfriends!
The privileges of the very privilege are no longer exclusive. With Robinhood Gold, your annual IRA contributions are boosted by 3%, plus you also get 4% APY on your cash and non-retirement accounts. That's over eight times the national savings average. The perks of the high net worth are now available for any net worth.
They found him a day later? Oh, yeah. It's a Hollywood tribal... Okay, we've talked about it on this show. People die in threes. Who's next? Who's the third? Let's guess. I'm going to throw it. Hold on. On the count of three.
Investing involves risks. Rates subject to change. 3% match requires Robinhood Gold at $5 a month for one year from first match. Must keep funds in IRA for five years. Go to Robinhood.com slash boost over eight times. The national average savings account interest rate claim is based on data from the FDIC as of November 18, 2024. Robinhood Financial LLC member SIPC.
Gold membership is offered by Robinhood Gold LLC. Five-hour energy. Daylight savings can hit you right in the face. Comes out of nowhere. How do you regain that energy that you lost from the time change, huh? That's where five-hour energy comes in. They have made the one-hour energy. A tiny little pick-me-up for getting through the day or days ahead. A tiny little bottle and very big energy.
Look, man, you're working long days. Maybe you got a family. Maybe you have ancillary secondary jobs. You got all sorts of stuff going on in life. And that's why one hour energy shot has been our secret weapon. OK, it helps you get over those little bumps, those little humps, those little dips in the day. It is quick and effective.
Energy provides a feeling of alertness and energy and snap, snap, snap. What are you looking at? Come on over here.
Check out the one-hour energy shot and conquer your day. Visit 5hourenergy.com to find a retailer near you and try the limited-time one-hour energy shot. One less hour in the day, challenge accepted.
Hold on. Let me think of the name. Hold on. Okay, I was going to say, on the count of three, we have to think of a name together.
Hello, Mr. Johnson. Okay, the last five things you've done. Mr. Johnson.
You haven't done in the last couple of films you've done. You didn't do it. You didn't do it. Look at that. You didn't do it in the last thing you just did, Theo's movie. You don't have an accent. I do a southern accent there. That's even funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man. Drugstore June, no accent. No accent there. Sweet Dreams, no accent. Borderlands, no accent.
You're too famous, I think, to do the Asian accent now. Yeah. I feel like you're too known outside of these projects. What about Reservation Dogs? Well, can you go zoom back? You were in Reservation Dogs? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm thinking of Reservoir Dogs.
Well, they should have had one. Yeah. Yeah.
What about you? I mean, you're like a real thespian. I always say that. Oh, dude, I wish. I can't get any work. Wait, can you not? I feel like you're working all the time. Somebody's working with Matt Gaiman on a promo.
Yeah, that was a promo. This guy's in like real movies and stuff.
You were great in that. Thank you. I do want to say this. I saw that. That was so fun. So fun. Thank you. And then immediately I wanted to text you and I didn't and go, how did this come together?
You were like, dude, do this thing for me. And he was like, fine.
He's just the nicest, coolest guy. I wish there was like a funny story around it, but he's just the nicest, coolest guy in the world.
Do you think I'm Jewish? Everybody thinks I'm Jewish.
What is it about me that you would think that I'm a Jew?
So you don't watch my podcast? Yeah. Always ankles up.
I've gained weight. It's this dad bod. Buddy, you're still in great shape.
Shut up. That's so annoying.
You didn't gain any weight. Guys, fuck you. That's my bad. You know who lost weight?
Mango. Did he? Okay, no. He lost 15. Did you really?
Look at that. I do. You can. Why didn't you say anything earlier? That was the first album I ever bought.
I was cool then. I'm cool now. What do you think mine was? Let me, oh, I know Wendy's theme song. Hip hop. Okay. Oh, fine. Yeah, yeah. I was going to go Beethoven for you. What was your first album? Beethoven? Oh, because of my age? Yeah, because you're an old fuck. Yeah, and I said Wendy's, you know what I mean, soundtrack. I get it.
No, hip hop. Oh, God. I don't know now. I can even give you the title track. Go. Bow Down. What is it? West Side Connection. That's the thing. I knew it was going to be something more obscure. You're like a real hip hop hip hop. Wait a minute. West Side Connection. Bow down before we come to your town. That was like my favorite. Bow down. Do you ever hang out with him in social settings? Yeah.
Yeah. It's hard. He is the best. social human being I've ever seen nobody can schmooze schmooze like this guy he's the best it is remarkable he's the best at it it is remarkable I want to learn from him and that's why he's always around the high people oh I know I know because dude we had a meeting at Sony today And he's best friends with everybody. All the famous people.
We went to dinner once. First of all, never go to dinner with him. I don't, I try not to. This is what dinner is. Before you even sit down, somebody goes, Santini goes, oh, I'll be right back, guys. And then he just goes table by table by table. Like he's fucking Don Rickles just shaking hands. Exactly. And then we're sitting there like assholes. Are you Sinatra?
Okay, how are you so... No, no, no. I love the pain. I've always loved it. No, no, no. Thank you, Andrew. It's something I admire. This is the thing. I have a hard time. If there's somebody that I really like or admire, it's very easy for me to talk to them.
But it almost becomes like an interview. I'm like, hey, you're really good at this thing and I want to know all about it and everything. You hang out with people in a way where they're like, you're acting like they find you cool.
Yeah. You know what I mean? They're kind of trying to win you over. You got to sell them on that you're the one. Yeah. Sell them on you're the one. You're meeting me. I'm watching it.
Yeah. So give me the, okay, I'm glad that you've also known it. Praise the Lord. Put one down so we're on the same team. Yeah, please.
Come on. Your heart goes out. Make your heart go out.
Doesn't your heart go? No.
Did you get your Kanye shirt? Did we get those Kanye shirts? Did they show up yet or no? We ordered a hundred of them. All right. Okay. Hold on. This is how you're like, really hate the juice.
Double down? I can't get into specifics. So tell me, what is it? When you meet somebody who's really famous, how are you making them feel so comfortable? Because you know everybody wants their attention. What is this social skill you've developed? I mean, this is going to sound awful. No, it's not. I'm fascinated, but I think it is a true characteristic of yours.
Praise the Lord. You notice this, right?
I just don't. Hallelujah. I don't care. I don't care to treat them other than a guy I just. So you're just ball busty. I just don't care. And if they're like, oh, I don't like that you're too. Comfortable. Familiar. Then I don't care. So you remove yourself. Then we're not cool. If I can't treat you like a human, then I'm not fucking interested.
So you're immediately, it's just like- The most famous people I've ever met, I treat them just like a fucking regular- And they probably love it because everybody treats them so weird. Yeah.
And the fact that there's somebody who's treating them like they're in high school again, there's a comfort that they have.
I'll tell you the real trick if you want the honest truth. If you want the honest truth, the reason I got- That's all we wanted. I'm good. The reason that I got- Well, first of all, I'll give context to what he's saying. We were in a meeting at Sony with one of my best friends in Los Angeles who got us the job. You're welcome, freebie.
What's the job? What's the job?
We're doing an animated show. Yeah, we're doing an animated movie. Sorry. But I will be honest. The reason that I did get comfortable not caring about famous people is my first job in LA was on Punk'd. And I was so in my head all the time. All these celebrities would come to the studio. And at some point, I just stopped giving a fuck about trying to like...
you know oh my god you're so good to meet you and all that stuff because I was so worried about the bits I didn't give a shit about the celebrity and they didn't give a shit about me so it's kind of this great equalizer of when I was young I met all these famous people and they didn't fucking give a fuck I was a player on the show I was a nobody and so I just kind of thought I'm not gonna fucking kiss ass to these people it didn't mean anything to me so I never wanted to earn their friendship because I didn't care and honestly I met them all when I was 25 years old that's when I met every famous person from Punk'd
I didn't give a shit. They didn't like me anyway. It was like I was a young, broke, gay player.
I love learning about you guys. Don't get mad. I'm listening.
Fuck you, Spaniard. I'm acting normal. Spaniard. Okay. So what I do is I wear a hat at the airport. I go sit down and I go relax away from my flight. This guy moseys about. Can't watch people. Oh, really? How did it turn to me? Is that Bobby Lee? That's what he wants so fucking bad. Yeah. And I just want to chill, have a coffee, wait to get on my plane.
This guy, he'll purposely tussle up his hair so it's fucking huge. He'll go in and out of that fucking WH Smith or whatever that convenience store is. He doesn't buy it. It's a good convenience store. You're not buying anything.
That's not what I do, Andrew.
Does it feel good? Does it feel good to be recognized? What is the feeling?
He fucking loves it. If it was sold in a can, he'd buy cases of it. Can you come sit over here? Come sit over here.
Come hang out. Is this mic on? Is this mic on? It will be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel so much more balanced now.
This outfit is subdued. This is not an attention-seeking outfit. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much, dude. It is subdued, right? This guy goes to the airport. He's wearing a bright pink beanie, a bright blue jacket. He's carrying bags like he's Dave Attell. He's got like 30 bags around him. He loves people looking at him.
Carlos has to go be the gopher and go get stuff.
Can you do an American accent?
He's doing it right now. I don't feel like he even tries. Thank you. Can you speak like us? Can you? I can't. Try. Just give it a go. Say, hey, it's great to meet you, Andrew Schultz.
Well, you're just getting ready for a couple years down the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prepping. Stop. If I do get cancer, dude, you're going to feel bad about it. We're all going to get it.
Well, they ran away. They got away. They were in the house. Well, look at the movie Crimson Tide. Here's my- Love this movie. You think Denzel did it? That was my other theory. I was honestly not going to say Denzel, zoom in. I was going to say George Zunga, that guy right there, fourth, right before Viggo. No, wait a minute. Yeah. Viggo makes the most sense. Viggo Mortensen is German.
That's about the only thing you and producer O'Neal have in common. That's it. Nice! Go sit in your chair. Nice!
I can't believe he's saying you're faking it. I don't think you fake it. I think you actually love those environments. It's a fun thing for you.
I think if it was work, you wouldn't do it. No, I enjoy talking to people who I talk to. There's some people I don't care to see ever again, but... I want to talk about you for a second, too.
Yeah, we had a lovely, lovely meal that you paid for. You're a gentleman.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And you were very kind that weekend. I will say that. Yeah, because I'm a kind person. I think you are. I do think you are. Admit that. I'm a kind person. I didn't make you feel insecure at all. Exactly. You were like the most confident. Like some people. Do you think Andrew makes you feel insecure? Why does he make you feel insecure? Let me tell you another example, dude.
I'm taking it all day today.
I'm trying to compliment you. I'm trying to say how amazing you are.
He'll spin it. Dude, he's an evil. I'm not an evil person. A little Korean spider. He'll spin this into whatever narrative he wants. He'll take the fucking web and he'll just spin it into whatever he wants.
Montreal, we met. We met at Montreal.
You got to go. So go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com.
Let me finish my thought. I'm an only child who loves to run into people.
I had no... If you... I would never guess you're an only child.
Well, I had a sister, but our gap was almost 10 years. So it was like, we didn't grow up together. Okay. My half sister, we were so... We're friends as adults.
Were you like a cul-de-sac kid where like the neighborhood, you're talking to people on the block, like you were allowed to go outside your house?
I sports all time. Sports. He lived like the movie, The Wire. The Wire, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Urban. Baltimore. I was in three gangs when I was a kid. I got beat. I got jumped. No, you've been... Joking about it, but didn't you live in like a... When I was a kid, kid. And then when I was a teenager, when I was in high school, we were in the suburbs. All right.
But dude, I wanted to be social all the time. I'm like my mom. I hate being home. I want to be out as much as possible. I want to go see people. I want to go do shit. Homebody, I'm the antithesis of homebody. Really? Hate being at home. And you've got a beautiful home. Home is a place to sleep at night. That's it for me. Really? I don't need to be... I don't even... Dude... I don't give a fuck.
I've never in my heart have ever had the need to make a house a home. Don't care. A house is just a place to keep my shit.
No, I'm trying to say the truth is home is a place to sleep. Home is a place to sleep. I don't care about it. I mean, great job. Well, I mean, I'm just telling him something.
No, no, I'm just, you're stepping on me. I'm telling a truth story. Oh, I'm sorry. But no, go do some of your bullshit. Tell me about how you're like Patrice O'Neal. One of the greatest comics of all time. Tell me how similar you are to that guy. Go ahead. Tell me that bomb story that you told over there. Oh, you're getting personal. Fucking bomb story. What do you mean getting personal?
You're shooting at me. Put your gun up then. I don't have a gun, dude. Well, then fucking get out. I have a flower. Then get off the range.
Right? You do. He steps in front of a tank and is surprised that we want to run him over. Yeah, but it's for peace and love. Well, don't get in the way of a tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway.
I give him 60% of the dollar. When he says power, you know what he's trying to say? Responsibility? Work. Responsibility. Yeah. Jobs. Yeah, yeah. I give him all of the work, and I just mosey on in.
You don't even bring the instruments. We had to bring them for you.
Yeah, why do you guys think you've had so much success for so long?
Well, I think because our love is, I said it before, no matter what we say to each other, there's love beneath all of it anyway. You could say the craziest. I love them so much. It doesn't matter. I don't care.
Okay. You know what? And rest in peace, one of the greatest actors of all time, Gina Hackman, God bless. Do you realize- Rest in so many peace. That made so many good movies. French Connection. Yeah. Well, I told you, Crimson Tide's one of my favorite movies.
No, not almost. It literally is.
Yeah, if I'm in a bad mood, I just go away.
I have a story about him doing that with you. What? I remember you were going through a really hard time. And I remember I was like, I was just talking to you and I was checking in with you about something. And then you were, yeah, you were just saying that you were, I don't know if you had relapsed or something like that.
I forget exactly what it was, but like you were just saying that he was going through a really hard time and that you guys needed to be, that was really sweet. You're like, you have to let him go through these things. You got to be there for him. And ultimately he's going to pull himself through it. We just got to love him through it.
That's amazing. Thank you so much. And I know that you're being sarcastic right now, but that is a beautiful thing from a friend. What the fuck you?
Yeah. Don't fuck our guest.
No, fuck you. I was being sincere.
Thank you so much. I don't know.
It's hard for him to be sincere. It is a little hard. All right, let me do it again then. All right, do it again.
Lovely bubblies have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets. These erection enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder, long lasting erections for sexual activities.
The best part, Bob, it's all done online. That means no doctor's visits, no awkward conversations, no waiting in line at the pharmacy. You know about Blue Chew. You know how well it works. Bobby gets bricked up on this stuff. I get bricked up all day. Does it work? You better believe it. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com.
They are the best. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. And when you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, you know, you think about like Allbirds or Skims, you think about great products, but how do they get to your front door from Shopify's incredible checkout? All right.
It's the not so secret secret with shop pay boost conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts are going abandoned with way more sales going up, up, up. Up. Up, up, and up through the roof. Up through the roof, baby.
Wow, dude, he- He did everything. Oh, actually, you know what?
Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Allbirds and Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase.
Yes, with India, the country I have. No, no, no. He's talking about Akash. Oh, all the time, for sure. But that's my homie. That's my day one, so you get through it.
Here's my favorite voice he ever did, though. Ants. So good in Ants. Do it now. He was the general. Do it now. We must fight to survive. We must fight to survive. You know that speech he does? Is that him? Yeah. Okay. He was so good in Ants, dude. Okay. King Ant. He was. Probably made of millions. I don't know about that. Did animation pay that well back then? I don't think so, you're right.
Yeah. Actually, very rarely, though.
Because you didn't respond to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Were you going through something?
No. He ghosted him on some shit and Akash was upset about it.
Was it reasonable that he was upset? Yeah, yeah. He ghosted him. He just never responded.
Does Bobby treat more famous people differently? Oh my fucking God. Really, brother?
you know who doesn't do that huh that's santino that's right baby dude he sucks that's who doesn't do this guy when we see somebody when we're when we're with somebody who's famous what does he do dude dynamically changes he puts what he eventually he puts on a show and then he disappears because he doesn't want them to over analyze oh so it's like kill and then get out of there 100 kill him so the one example and he gets the fuck out of there because you're like i'm gonna fuck this up
I'll let him tell the story first. Michael Bay's wife is a huge Bobby Lee fan. is in love with Bobby Lee. And so she convinced Michael, A, to listen to the show, and then B, to start coming to see us live. So Michael and his wife have come to the Comedy Store a few times. That's a big deal. Yeah, and they come because Bobby Lee is, they cannot get enough.
So the last time Michael Bay came, the last, thank you, Carlos, for a little spit cup, guy who goes to WH Smith at the airport, The last time Michael Bay came to the comedy store, me and him are back to back, tag teaming. And it's a great hot night. And he's in the green room. I get off stage. He's with Michael Bay and his wife, who I do not know. I'm not familiar with them. I've said hello.
And I get off stage. And what do you do? Go ahead. Take it away, kid. Can I take over the story? Yeah, I just fucking gave it to you.
And I pass Michael Bay to him. He literally grabs me and goes, dude, come in here. Come in here. And then what I do? I walk into the room and he disappears. To get the other guy. So then I'm in there with Michael Bay and his wife. I'm getting Bill Burry ready to be the tag. I will give credit. Let me give credit where credit is due.
As soon as Bill walked in, I was like, fuck yeah, I can get out of here. I did that for you. Because Michael and his wife, I don't know them well. And I was also like, they're wanting to talk to him. I'm this interim thing. It's another pitching. No, no, they're not pitching me. Now it's more like, so how's comedy? I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, it's fucked.
And just because they want to talk to him, but he's so uncomfortable, he throws on me. When I saw Bill walking, he's like, what's up, dude? I was like, I was fucking gone.
But he gets nervous. No, I lied. He gets uncomfortable. Yeah, he lies. And then Michael Bay was like, what are you doing? So you alley-ooped. I alley-ooped. You alley-ooped to Bill Burr. But Bill can't touch the net. But Michael Bay doesn't want it. He doesn't want it, dude. But they start hitting it off.
And guess who got the convenience store role in World War II? Bill Burr. Ken Jeong. He lost. No, I didn't.
Yeah, now that they got like superhero. They get points though, I think. Right.
They love him. Yeah, yeah. His wife and Michael are in love.
He couldn't go to Michael Bay's thing for the Super Bowl because he had to go with Jake Paul. You had to go with Jake Paul to do... To his Super Bowl party in Miami. He flew to Miami for that. He's trying to dumb that one down. So you were so busy at the Super Bowl. Couldn't shoot that week, by the way. We couldn't shoot the show because I'm sick. Oh, you're sick? What'd you do the next morning?
Went to Miami with Jake Paul. Okay, I did that.
Why didn't you get him tickets to the Super Bowl?
Well, I mean, yeah, I guess I got a residual check the other day for the sale of Ricky Stanecki to DVD. What was it?
It wasn't a Super Bowl party. I worked like a shill. At his house. I did a job. What were you doing? In Vegas. I did a job. I took a check. I took a check. No, I was doing a thing with Brian Urlacher. Who's Brian Urlacher? An ex-NFL player. Exactly. What the fuck does that even mean? What do you mean? Big time.
Do you think that they feel a little bit like, what's that term? Like a negged or whatever? Like they're trying so hard to, you know, have you be part of their friend group and you're rejecting it so much. No, I know. That's insane. That's crazy.
No, don't use that as- Like a deer in headlights. No, because you're gaslighting him right now. Let him answer his own fucking question. Does he try, what Schultz just said, does he try when people are like, does he try to push away from that?
Do you know how they made sure they were just Japanese in there?
But I was asking a friend of mine whose, like, parents were, no, grandparents were in the camps. George Takai? Who was it? Japanese dude. Okay. And I was just like, how did they, like, because I feel back in the day it was a little more loose, right? Oh, yeah.
They kind of round them up. In there.
Oh, you think there's a guy there going, I Chinese.
Wouldn't you? Is that not the first thing?
Right? Maybe. By the way, that's a great movie and escape story of a guy who got out. Who pretends to be other Asian.
It's called I-Chinese? I-Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cha-ching. That's what it was. $42.36 or $0.37. I'd have to look it up.
It's a whole. It's an epic. Tell us what your guy said. So I asked him, I was like, how did they figure it out? They must have just lumped them all in there and like whatever. Probably the last names, Andrew. No. Well, how would that matter? And they would. Yeah. What are you talking about? They also probably wouldn't ask their fucking name.
No, they're just looking at you and you look fucking Japanese and they throw you in. What's your name?
I'm Franco. Wong. Sounds good. Get in there. No, no. No, get in there. Jay wouldn't do that.
Oh, oh, oh. You're with the other Japanese guys. Get in line.
Prove it. Zip. This guy's Chinese.
So he goes, oh yeah, they just spoke to him in other Asian languages, and if they couldn't speak back, they knew that they were Japanese. Oh, wow. And I'm like, whoa, that is way easier. That's way easier. That's like the easiest thing.
No, they would speak to the Japanese guy in Korean, and if he couldn't speak back, they'd be like, oh, that's a fucking... Oh, wow, that's a good, clever way of doing it.
Residuals. They're like, it must be raining down.
A lot of them didn't even speak Japanese.
Dude, my friend's parents didn't speak Japanese. And then after that, it stopped. Like, they stopped entirely.
Because that's how you end up in camps.
But he was in a camp as a kid. So they got it right. They got it right. Yeah. They nailed it on that. But then he got Star Trek. Right. Then he got Star Trek. I think it's even. Well, we gave him Star Trek to make up for what we did. That's the reparation. Yeah.
That's your 48. TV star. That's good. 40 episodes. That's what he got. 40 episodes.
It's never enough. It can't just be. Endless bucket. Congrats on what, yeah. Call him when you get to.
You lost money on a lot of money.
And it's darts. Thank you.
You're dangerous. Fuck you. It's insane. Because you're so fun and silly and then it's just a fucking sniper shot. Yeah. Even this right here. Whatever that move was.
That was bullying. Don't do this, Carlo. It's trying to troll you right now.
That's not what it is. What is it?
No. What's that called? Fun. It's called fun. It's a fun time. It's a great fun time.
Yes. Undoubtedly. It's every cliche you could ever imagine. It almost like... I understand why comics do the joke about how annoying their kids are. And it's because it's the only take that is counter what we all feel. You know what I mean? You know how you could take the other angle? We all do this comedically, right? How I take the angle that's not there and then find a way to justify it.
And be careful, Ryan Reynolds. Why? They're coming for him. The business is all like mad at him and his wife. I didn't get involved in this shit on the internet because I didn't care to like research. But it's funny how many stories are being told about these guys.
And the feelings you have for your kid are so unbelievably hacky that you feel unoriginal. Like it's every possible cliche. And our whole life we're trying to have a unique take about things. And then you look at the kid and you're like, oh, my kid is the best laugh ever. And it is. Of course. Oh, right. And I wonder if it's just for me. Do you have a son or daughter?
I have a daughter. Oh, wow. It's made up of your DNA. So it does something. It must biologically do something. The chemicals do something for you. It's unbelievable. Well, because it's like when you meet someone who has an ugly baby. Yeah. They don't know that shit. They have no idea.
Yeah, yeah. We have a friend. And I say it. We have a friend that has an ugly baby and...
you know tight on the way out though they say that oh yeah what's tight on the way the pussy because yeah because and the baby's head kind of gets it's smushed warped yeah it's a compliment to the wife to have an ugly baby my wife had a c-section so it was fucking why can't they just go feet first what like a slide bro yeah the funniest thing about anatomy why can't they just go feet first yeah yeah yeah hey can you come out
Babies are upside down, you know that, right? You're gonna flip them in there? Hear my thinking, dude. Get tongs in there like you're barbecuing? Yeah, I'll walk, I'll do the whole thing. Walk, walk.
No, the head does that. The head does. And then the shoulders do that.
head first yeah it's tighter yeah if you put feet out first it'll loosen it up I get your point okay good yeah man they should I can't believe you're not a doctor yeah like what were they thinking not hiring you I don't know the I don't know I'm saying like that's the answer you think like fucking all these years okay fine God do you do you want kids Bobby it's the biggest insult to an Asian guy is to say he's not doctoral you just don't have it in you man I do want him yeah one
What was that movie called? Why can't I see it in my mind? Horizon or is it? No, not her.
So their pussies are at eye height.
The problem is he counts. He'll go one, two, three, four. Oh, you're going out loud. I do reps. Yeah. I got two more sets in me.
I think on my back, I think I like laying down.
Yeah, yeah. Lovely. That's fun. Lay it down.
We've been doing the work for so long. Let them do something. Also, they have to finish. Yeah. And that's the position I can control the best.
Like a joystick. I think Andrew's got an interesting... opinion as to why they might do that. Yeah. No, no, no. I know what you're implying.
It's not the length. What is it? They want to hit the sides. They want you to feel the sides. And you're... Skinny. You're skinny. You do have a skinny penis. Oh, wow. You do have a skinny penis. It's not small, but it is skinny. So it's just kind of like bouncing. It's like an oodle noodle. It's one of those cars.
No, but tell them what the last girl said. She said you had what?
Boyfriend penis. Which is, they say that's really good. She said, explaining boyfriend penis, she goes, not the smallest, it's not small, but it's not like this big, unmanageable. It's like a boyfriend, it's a dick that I could have sex with in perpetuity. Wow. I said, that's a huge compliment. That is a great compliment. Boyfriend penis is great. And who is this girl? She's gone.
Yes. Maybe you have a great dick.
What is it called? Like, I was impressed because of how low an expectation you made me have. Right.
It's smart. It's a smart play. It's a smart move. That's a fucking move. Yeah, yeah. He tells everybody, you're not going to like me. I'm a small dick. Yeah. And then they get in there like, what?
This is great. Santino looks like he's got a fucking thing on.
No, you do look like you got a thing. That's why you can talk to celebs, because you're looking at them like they got little... Dude, you have a big one.
It could be Big Hero 6. Yeah. The presence that that carries, you carry.
You carry love, warmth, happiness. Can we talk about this for a second though? Yeah, sure.
Polygamy was common throughout history. Cousin marriages remained common throughout the world, particularly in the Middle East. Yeah. Still to this day, you can marry a cousin out there. Yeah, look at Akash.
Our goal is to make Akash's wife the biggest TikTok. She's so hot. And she's beautiful. She's great. But my goal is to remove all the leverage he has in his relationship. That's so funny. So she's making way more money. Is she in the business or no? No, she's just on TikTok, but we're trying to make her a TikTok superstar.
Jasleen with it. She's on TikTok. Jasleen with it. Jasleen with it.
TikTok. Let's see what the TikTok is. There it is. Jasleen with it. Yeah. There we go. And how many subscribers does she have? I mean, it would make me feel really good for her to surpass Akash in fame. But why?
Because it's funny. Yeah, we like to see our friends suffer.
All right, there we go. There she is. Yeah, there she is. Wow.
No. She stand with the tennis ball?
All right, so. She is beautiful, Akash. Let's follow her, everybody. And Akash, we love you, my dog. We love you, Akash. You know we love you so much.
Yeah, yeah, it's, well, marriage for sure, being with someone.
I think that we assume that it's supposed to be perfect for your whole life.
It's not a natural state. Okay. But it's a social construct that I think has clinged to many people. I mean, I can do it. And benefited us. It wouldn't still be here if it didn't help us as a society. Or help some people, right? Like this, in the same way that like, I'll tell you why it happened. I know a little bit about it. And we don't have kids. I know a little bit about history.
I don't know why. He probably doesn't want to be there.
In the same way that I think it would make me very happy to have kids, if we don't have them, it's okay. So to me, it's kind of like that same thing. If some people don't get married, I know that they're like, I'm okay with it. I think it just services people who it services. But you're glad that you have a partner. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But again, we don't know if it's true, but it's enlightening. Well, it's a bummer because then all those stories that TJ Miller told about working with him on Deadpool seem to be much more valid. Oh, right. People didn't not believe him, but they were like, well, you never know. Their relationship could have been toxic. But it seems like, bro. How hard is it to be nice? Here's the deal.
I'm glad I have somebody that like is along for the ride up and down because it's all the above. I think the people, the mistake that was given to people socially is like marriage is this perfect, wonderful thing. You're going to be happy every single day of your life. It's a joke. That shit is work, bro. You're going to have crazy downs. You have crazy ups.
But you're not always like in a, it's not like a fucking.
It's not a state of horniness every second, but you find them beautiful.
That's right. Right. When we could afford them. I don't know. As soon as we built up enough equity, then we were like, okay, I have stuff if you need it. But I think it was harder to do as a nomad to keep a relationship. Well, yeah. I mean, in the word nomad.
I'll see you whenever. But we still need to make the kids and we still need to protect them.
Yeah. Oh, that's true. Got to protect them. Okay.
I mean, that's probably why it was built.
For community and protection. And yeah. Also to pass down like assets and shit. That's what all the marriage was. I think in like the Royal family. Yeah. A hundred percent. Like how do we keep all this land within?
Yeah. Okay. You believe in it. Yeah.
If you never meet someone and never have a family, who would you bequeath all of your assets to? Like any money you've earned or a house that you've owned.
If you had no one and you were on your way home.
He's dead now. I just couldn't.
Schultz, I love you. I love you, man. It's always fun with you. I love hanging with you. It's so fun with you. Yeah, you guys are great. Schultz has a special. Yes, yes. It's a Netflix special. Yeah. It is called Life. Yeah. It is his life. I saw him run it. Well, run pieces of it, I guess, in Phoenix when we were in Phoenix together.
Oh, that was my first weekend.
I know I saw that yeah it's kind of cool watching you peel it and now I know it's dramatically different than what I first saw sure sure but incredible as usual can I ask you some questions I'm doing one now yeah please where are you doing it this is like a big Hulu shout out Hulu we both did Hulu I know you did Hulu we left I've never done one yeah there's a lot of expectations on it
You've built it up so much.
I think you just got to do what you do.
Yeah, yeah. Again, what he just talked about. You cannot care what they're thinking about.
There are going to be people that hate it and there are going to be people that love it.
I would argue a very, very small percentage of people are not going to like it. Yeah. A remarkably small.
But those people, there will be people that don't even watch it that hate it.
They just decided they're going to hate it.
What do you think, I'm going to watch a Bobby Lee special? Fuck that. That's going to be a natural thing, but at the same time, just do what you want to do.
We're still going to do the pod.
Don't you think after you shoot a special, you should have some time off?
you gotta promote it for a little bit after it comes out
I don't know the deal. Tell me the deal.
No, why can't I just do it before? Because with streaming, I think it matters after it comes out. Yeah, that's right.
Also, I think that we all got to root for Hulu. Yeah. I think we got to root for Hulu and root for Amazon, because the more places that are doing stand-up, the better it is for stand-ups. Good for all of us. You know what I mean? Because now there's competition. If it's just one place, they could just go, here's this amount of money, and you got to take it.
Who? Who? Denzel said about Ryan Reynolds?
I imagine once you got an offer from Hulu, there was interest.
When are you taping? When are you taping? I just did it. You just did it.
Okay, cool. Where are you doing it?
So good. Go watch Life on Netflix. Please enjoy Our Friend as much as we do. Andrew, look in that camera and say thanks for being a bad friend.
Thank you so much for being a bad friend. That's great. Oh, man.
Zoom into that photo you just patted up. Look at that, that's two lover boys. Look at that, zoom into that photo. Denzel doesn't look stoked. He doesn't, yeah. Denzel does not look stoked. He doesn't look stoked, yeah. That is kind of crazy to think about. Well, here's the deal. Here, I'll answer your question. Yeah. Is it hard to be nice on set? Yes. No, no, no. Here's why though. He's hot.
He's been hot his whole life. You and me, uggo ruggos. You know, knock, knock, knock. Here we go! Knock, knock, knock. Bobby, Andrew, you guys ready? Are you guys out of your bucket of slime? You want to come shoot the scene?
Yeah, this is what happens. When you're regular and uggo, if you're us who are regular looking guys. But anyway, you're right. I think if you're an uggo like us, you're going to not get treated the way that, Ryan Reynolds is so hot.
Can I tell you? The amount of times that I've gotten dick pics sent to my DM from guys, it's unreal. I get dick pics all day.
I did. That's why. Wait, wait. Bobby Lee.
Yeah. That's so funny. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Let's see. Bobby Lee hot. Eating spicy wings. It's where I had diarrhea when I was on hot wings. But you did hot ones. I've never done that. They've never asked. They don't want me over there. Look at that. Oh, my. Anyway, get out of that. So you don't, I don't have a Reddit flat. Bobby Lee's the only person to shit himself on Hotline.
Okay, okay. That's an award in and of itself. I know, but that's still humiliating. Name someone else that's done that. I don't know. By the way, New York Magazine, Bobby Lee puts one of the most outrageous and outrageously funny Hotline's performances to date. Bam. There you go. There you go.
But, you know, I don't I wonder what it is with like that generation of like they were hot their whole life. They got treated hot their whole life. Some guys did. Brad Pitt is like the coolest fucking dude. And everyone says they work with him. He's like the most rad dude on earth. And he's been hot his whole fucking life. Okay. He's never not been hot. He's hotter now than he was 20 years ago.
But who's the hottest young actor now, man?
Are you guys already recording?
Oh, I didn't know that. How are you? What's going on, man?
Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Schultz.
What's up, Captain? Right there.
What happened to Gene Hackman? What happened to Gene?
Damn, look at these pants. That's how much money he's making. Those pockets are waiting for all that money to go in. Look at how deep those pockets are.
This guy's got deep pockets.
I heard about all the movie money. I heard about that Hulu deal. I heard you broke a record. Yeah, I broke two records. That's what they said. I heard they kicked you out your golf club.
They said you got to go to Bel Air now.
Stop. We're not going to do this.
You guys got the nicked deal. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tickety pouches. You're the mayor of Cloud City now, you bitch. You got majority white people on the pod so you know you're making money. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You kicked the flip out of here.
Korean, Spanish, Mexican. You got the whitest Hispanics.
What happened to Gene? His wife died too. What happened to Gene? And one dog. Yeah. Let me say something. The dog was in the kennel, which I think is a little strange. Don't you let your dogs free roam? I free roam my dog. I free roam, dog. But- I'd be free roaming.
Yeah. These are like real colonizers. You know how they call us colonizers? Yeah, that one. Those were like the descendants of Vasco de Gama. The one on the right. I get it. I get it. He is. You were chasing around the Mel Gibson people. Indeed. What are they called?
With him. You know what? What's that Mel Gibson movie? What's that called? The Aztec shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is beautiful. That's you. That's you right there.
Yeah. I want one. Well, they're hard to pin down. They're busy working nine other jobs. Who's this hairy fuck? He looks Spaniard.
Yeah, he is kind of. That's the look.
You don't really outpress her.
Those are the Moroccans, bro. That's why the Spanish got some color.
Bobby, you've met him no less than 20 times. I love him.
What's his name? Bobby's a real piece of shit in that regard. What's his name? Mango. You met that guy. Mango? Anyway, good to see you, Mango.
Nobody there even likes it.
Yeah, that does make sense. You know how you visit a place, you know how it's like, what is it, Pat and Gino's in- Oh, in Philly? No Philly people don't like that.
They're like Ishka Bibbles, right?
Yeah, Ishka Bibbles. Yeah, that's right. They don't like that. This is Pat and Gino's of Japan. That's Gino right there.
he's old bro now did he come out and say hi to you no he was there and his son we got like the real shit I bought a suit to go there cause you have to like dress they say not to drink you have to like respect it and then you went there and there's a bunch of fucking assholes were you there with your wife I was there with my wife what did she think of it She doesn't like wasabi.
And it was so much wasabi that we couldn't even eat it. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
They don't want you to drink. Isn't it in a Subway?
Yeah, it's in a Subway. I'm drinking. It's the Subway. That's the logic. But I had so much deference. Here's like, all right. You know how like Japanese people... They only do something if it's perfect. Correct. Like, they have so much shame. Yeah. You know, unlike the Koreans do half-assed shit. But, like, the Japanese. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Couldn't even keep their country as one.
Couldn't even keep one country. There's no, like, North Japan. It's one Japan. There are Japanese people still fighting World War II. We put two atomic bombs on them. Who's we? Who's we? America!
It was a sneak attack. But they were trying to land, right? Let's just be honest.
Yeah. What? Just wanted to land the plane. They wanted to land the plane.
It's just not the best. Is it a bad flying joke?
Okay. No, but my point is that they have to do everything the best because they feel so much shame.
We're on a tear on TV shows, movies. We're on a tear. The squid game thing is incredible.
Can I ask you a racist question? I'm going to be serious. Be serious and be racist. I love it. That's who you are. Okay. Are the numbers so we can tell? I don't even get what you're saying.
I can do it in dudes. I can't do it in... Yeah, yeah.
Hey, dude, we're not as successful as you.
That's what I want too. Let's go down your realistic checklist. What was your first date like?
You know what it is? You got a free app and website? Yeah, that one. Yeah, where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment?
Wow, that's incredible. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, and are a good fit for any medical need that you may need, and they're rated by verified patients. I'm telling you, thank goodness for ZocDoc. When I moved neighborhoods, I was like, I don't want to get a new doctor, but I don't want to go back to the old neighborhood. So I went on ZocDoc.
Peace of mind, I got an appointment within two days. And by the way, you can score appointments within 24 to 72 hours depending on what they have. Some have same day appointments. It's incredible.
Let me guess some of the bands that were on their wall.
Oh, just Duran? Duran wasn't there? Yeah.
That's the point of the chairs. I love those pants. Thanks. Are those cowhide?
This is the best part about Displate is it's heavy and thick and solid, right? All these posters we had as kids, they rip, they tear, they get sun-stained. Mm-hmm. And now, Displate has over 2 million designs available for everyone, including official designs from brands like Disney, Marvel, DC, Warhammer, your favorite anime shows and movies, including, right here, official Bad Friends designs.
My lord. That's right. Please get them. You gotta get them. Displate created a unique, easy, safe magnet mounting system. It takes 20 seconds. You do not have to put holes all in your wall. That's the best part. You stick a protective leaf, place a magnet, put the Displate on the wall. Boom. It's done. You want to have your wall still stay nice?
When you move stuff around and change it, you gotta try Displate. How do they get it? Go to Displate.com slash BadFriends. This discount is applied automatically. Or use code BadFriends at the checkout to get 25% off for one Displate, 32% off for two to three Displates, 36% off for four or more Displates. Displate, collect your passions.
I was just about to say that. Tell them what you told me in Australia. What did I say? What are you going to get?
You're going to get a six-pack. He's going to get buff. You are? Yeah. He's going to get super buff. Are you working out? No. No. You don't need to work out. Yeah, yeah. Well, Govee literally does all that for you.
I'll defend Bobby again. You know why? Do you know why he reads it wrong sometimes? Because Bobby lives in the moment. He flies free and beautiful. On the unicorn. He's the unicorn. And so therefore, he's living in the moment. He assumes, let me try. And if he reads it wrong, he says, I'm so sorry. I thought you thought I was wonderful. And she said, no, I'm not sexually attracted to you.
All right, guys, honestly, can I take your drink order at this point? No, no, no.
You come here every week. You know the menu.
We're not going to get both. So after the kiss, though, that was it. That was it.
What do you mean? Just like on a phone call? Okay. All right. Love you. Bye.
I don't know if you want to be like, we fell in love because I wore her down. Yeah.
Oh, today? Yeah. It's crab rangoon. Oh. And then crab rangoon with like a house-made foie gras sauce. I don't know if you guys, you probably not traveled. I don't know. Have you been to France? I haven't. Oh, how'd you get there?
Before, I used to fly. Wonderful. And for our main course, it's going to be a hand-caught squirrel, squirrel loin, and it's lightly seared. It's served pretty rare. Do you have hedgehog? Let me check with the chef.
Because you got it last week. Yeah, I got it last week. We might have run out, but I will check it.
Please check, please. Yes, I will. One second. Chef!
Bro, do you find it easier now that you're fucking rich and famous to get girls? Versus when you were poor?
Why? Doesn't need that on the Internet. Why? Nothing happened.
Because what if she doesn't want her name attached to that?
That's why I said you shouldn't put her full name in this. Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God. Well, we've all had this moment. I had, okay, let's all give our embarrassing. Okay. I had one. Yeah. My freshman year of college, a girl lived literally two doors down. So gorgeous, like so cool. And we're all in like a little friendship circle. And then one night I wrote her a note, like kind of like a confessional being like, I had this crazy crush on you.
And I was like, my heart, you know, when your heart like hurts, it's beating so hard. And I slid it under her door. And then I went back into my dorm and I was like, fuck, was that stupid? Should I have not done that? And I just kind of blacked out and thought for like an hour. And my hand to God, I go get something to eat from the commissary.
I come back and she's down at the end of the hall with a group of like the other people at the end of the hall, like a girl and another dude. And they were laughing at the note. Oh, that's so funny. And that...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Every night I go there. All I want to... Like, I want to...
Okay. Okay. He is Hector Gomez, the guy that works at... Yeah, dude. The guy we buy fruit from. He works at Pep Boys, dude. Okay. Okay. No, no. I'll change your tires.
Yeah, what are you talking about? Your life is perfect.
We all know the guy. We had a guy in my high school named Kyle. I'm not going to say his last name, but they called him the elephant because he had a trunk in high school. He had a cock so big in gym class, you know, like you put on the school-issued gym shorts. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not kidding when I say, because they were short back in the day.
His penis, if he didn't put it away, would come out of the bottom of the gym shorts. It was fucking unreal.
Just wait till we're in the locker room. Right, right, right.
Bathroom is weird, too, when I'm like pissing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Can I honestly get your drinks? How tall are you? 6'1".
yeah he's it's good you're good that's good that's good height well people always say a lot of people always say from the internet they always they don't know how tall we are because of the at the desks yeah and then they see us together and they're like oh then i thought i thought you guys were the same size do you know in real life everyone says you're so much shorter than i thought yeah because they only see you on a they only see you on on a screen standing up you also look like mom dylan a little bit i do you should have done that a little bit can you sing like dylan
You didn't see the new movie he's in? No, I didn't see it. You didn't see the Dylan movie? I didn't see it yet. Dude, you're a musician. Yes.
Okay, I agree. But this one's not like that. This one is not fucking corny. Did you see the Elvis one?
And you can hear their spaceship coming from a mile away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a thousand of them in there. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. You could name any one of them. You'd probably get it right. Get it right.
You still have to suck him now? While you watch Amelia Perez.
Yeah, I love that. Airplane. Airplane. Yeah, I love that.
Yeah. It wasn't, like, how about this? Have you seen all the way through Sopranos? Of course. Don't fucking of course me, dude. You said a lot of weird shit.
Do you know why? Why? Because you've had a lot of sober birthdays. We've had to change the date seven times. I know, but- Remember this trophy we gave you for kicking at the habit in 2022? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know what I mean?
All right, let's end smoothly because he's got to go. Because the sweetheart's got to go.
What is this shirt that you got in Australia? Look at Bobby got a shirt in Australia.
No, it's got to be a duo name. It's her and him. So it's got to be like- Almond and Nutcake.
It's pretty good. Your album is going to be called Wonderment.
Can we change it? I think you should change your album to Shitpants and Gomez. Yeah, yeah.
Go listen to the album. You sold me on it. I gotta tell you, Shitpants, you sold me, bud. And we love you, and you're welcome back anytime. Go check my new album, Isabella, Isabella, Shitpants? What is it? Isabella, Isabella.
Don't I look insane? Can I clear the air? Yeah. Yeah, I look insane. Benny and I have known each other for so long and you're my dog and I love you. And when you did my show and I asked about Selena, the internet got so mad. They thought I was picking on you. I was like, we were teasing each other. People were like, don't be fucking mean to Ben. I don't read any comments.
The fans came at me, dude. My fans are crazy. Dude, not your fans. First of all, they're your fucking wife's fans.
I have to have an upper lip that's moist. Dude, that's so funny. He's right. Yeah. When you start dating someone hot and famous, you have to have moist lips. Yeah. Look at all the hot guys. They always have moist lips. What am I supposed to do? My lips are supposed to look like an asshole?
Oh. Now you look insane. Yeah. Whoa, hold on one second. Hello, Sidney Sweeney? Yeah. Yeah, Bobby Lee's right here. Oh, my God. Whoa.
Are your arms hurt? Is this because of arthritis? Yeah, arthritis. What's wrong with your arms?
You clearly can't fit. Take that one off first. Why do you have to do it off? Do you have boobies? On, on, on. You look great.
London, England, Dublin, Ireland. July 18th and July 19th for Ireland. That's right. 18th in London, 19th in Ireland. You guys, come out and see us. Go to badfriendspod.com. Kicks are going fast. They are going very fast. Dublin's about to shell out. Shell out. So, July 18th and 19th, go to badfriendspod.com. Who are these two idiots?
I'm drowning. I like this girl. I'm already drowning. I'm already drowning.
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Is this guy bothering you?
I'll throw him out. You will? This is not how you want the date to go, sir.
He's on the other one. So you can fit in the shirt you bought. That shirt was $9,000. So it's got to fit.
you can usually tell a standup if they're gonna, if they're gonna grow, if they're gonna grow. Exactly. Usually you'll, you'll know if they're, so you want someone to grow with you?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You heard a daddy issue come out right there. Yeah, I saw it, I saw it. I wouldn't date you. I wouldn't date you.
Yeah. Can I be honest with you guys? I have to go back to the kitchen. Can I get your drink order? Because I need it. No, no, no. I've been waiting here for far too long.
super famous yep very rich yep hispanic for some hispanic yeah for a good reason yeah hot yep okay empathetic yep yeah did you say pathetic empathetic oh i was like what the fuck yeah empathetic yeah empathetic yeah empathetic yeah yeah and pathetic yeah uh and tinier than you
Rewatch Parasite. That's everyone in Parasite. Thank you so much, Andrew, for defending my culture.
Let me borrow a jacket.
I don't know. I was just in New York watching a show. What were you doing in New York? You were on Broadway? Yeah, I watched Wicked. Wicked? Yeah. Did you hold space? Mm-hmm.
Good, we got to get rid of that fucking shithole anyway.
No, they bombed San Francisco. Yeah. That's fine with me.
I can breathe for the first time. Kelly Clarkson. She revealed during an episode of her talk show when speaking with Whoopi Goldberg that she's taking a drug to help her lose weight. Yep.
She just said everyone thinks it's Ozempic. It's not. She says it right there.
Did she get it? She did try Ozavik like a year ago. She stopped because of the side effects. I got sick all the time. See? Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Keep going. These people are gonna... Yeah. Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. She got it for diabetes. Different. Okay. I mean, you might have diabetes, but... Oh, Tracy.
Anyway, Chelsea. Well, look, you're going to be in this list. Bobby Lee will make it up there, but it's going to change the dynamic of this show. You're right. Remember when Piscopo got in shape? Ruined his entire comedy career. Joe Piscopo, do you guys even know who that is? Yeah. I'll tell you. This guy, he was very funny, Rudy. He got jacked.
And then people didn't want to fuck with him anymore.
People like you because you're this affable, round, beautiful Asian man.
Okay, okay. Ich würde sagen, dass du gerade in deiner Karriere der lustigste bist, der je gewesen ist.
Have you talked to your manager about this? No one likes it. Yeah, no one likes it. Okay, so here's the other thing.
Wow, they're going to support you, they're going to love you no matter what. No, I don't know. Some of them, they're very vocal. They're going to turn on you. They're very vocal.
Wow. You look good, Bobby. Get out there, mate. Yeah. I mean, I'm excited to see if it helps you, but I don't love it. I don't love it either, pal. Then why are you doing it? I don't know. Yeah, it's because of women. You know that. That's women. These women got to your head. No, it's not that. You've always been so secure and so self-assured. But now that you're this single, it's women.
Outside voices are doing this to you.
Ich liebe es, dass ich denke, deine Raya-Fotos sind nur jedes Zimmer in deinem Haus. Ja. Keiner von ihnen ist irgendwo anders. Ja, das ist, wo meine sind. Das ist, wo ich lebe. Ja, ja. Also, ich weiß nicht, aber vielleicht hast du recht. Ich denke nur, wenn es dich glücklich machen wird, dann ist das gut. Ich unterstütze es, aber ich denke nicht, dass es dich glücklich machen wird.
Hier ist mein Ziel. Wenn du meinen Ziel hören willst.
No. What the fuck, dude? That has nothing to do with it. Ask Carlos. Yeah. He wants to say skinny because it makes his penis look bigger.
You're the boysenberry of penises? Yeah. You have boyfriend cock. Yeah.
Und dann wirst du wieder fett. Ich meine, du wirst wieder normal.
Smart. Ja, das ist mein Ziel. Du kannst es mit oder ohne machen. Der Typ von Big Ed, der hat sich nach 24 Stunden engagiert. Big Ed. Sie haben es nach 72 Stunden gecancelt. Er ist jetzt allein. Ich liebe das. He's the best. Didn't we have him on the show for a second? No, he did Tiger Belly. We were trying to get him on here.
Yeah. Well, he's not engaged anymore.
In my mind, I'm like... Full of what? Just a little bit like I'm a star. Did you make any neck jokes? No. You didn't do like, I've had it up to here with you. No. Look at him. Head and shoulders. Yeah. Knees and toes.
Ich meine, ich weiß nicht, was sie an ihm sagen, aber ich bin sicher, ja, sie sagen Hi, wenn sie ihn sehen. Nein, er ist lustig, Mann. Ich mag ihn sehr, eigentlich. Wir wollten ihn.
Hey man, we were just having a rush day. I can't believe we put that order out. Hey, it's on the ticket. What the fuck? You forgot. We'll give it to him later. Nice guy. That clip of him and that Filipino chick is the funniest clip on there. He's like, you're my best view. She's like, eh. Du siehst das? Das ist fucking, das ist Rudi Jules.
Und das, ich, wirklich, jedes Mal, als ich das Show gesehen habe, war ich immer so, das ist Rudi, er ist mit diesem Mann verheiratet. Das ist Rudi. Ja, ja.
Und sie ist sehr schön. Ich mag den Blick. Du magst den Blick? Ja. Du bist mein bestes Blick. Das bist du, Alter. Das ist 100% etwas, was sie sagen würde. Wenn ein Mann etwas schmutziges zu ihr sagt, würdest du sagen, dass du es sagst.
Es gab eine Sache, die ich probieren wollte. Ich habe dich gestern Morgen getextet. Ich war auf der Couch. It's like this universal thing on TikTok where people call their cats. And apparently they're like, you know, like if you've never instructed, you need to instruct your dog to sit, stay, whatever, lay down. But like, you know, cats are pretty indignant.
They don't want to fucking hear it from you. But there was, people on the internet have found out that if you make this sound, cats will come to you. If you go like, it's like a weird little, I'm not kidding. It's like a noise.
Go ahead. Playing the sound. Yeah, that's the one. Playing the sound makes your cat come to you or something. That's it. Schau dir das an. Oh. Du, du musst das Lied spielen. Mal sehen, ob ich es machen kann. Du, Alter, ich will dich... Willst du uns das zu Hause testen?
Ja. Du Scheiß. Ja. Die Menge von Scheiß. Wie vier von ihnen. Es war so viel Scheiß. Er liebt mich, dieser Kerl. Diarrhea? Es ist eine Mädchen. Was auch immer. No, it was runny, but also, it was runny and solid. I mean, it was everything. People must have been feeding the dog so much.
She came up to you and she was like, you're not gonna fucking, you're not gonna eat me, alright? No, that's not what it was. Yeah, he did pick up my dog and get it near the oven and goes, can we talk about your party?
Well, the other people respectfully smoked away from everybody. That's not true. The reason I said don't smoke, I have a validation for all this. The reason I said don't smoke back there, there were a few people who had their babies or kids were there. Oh, lung cancer. Yeah, it's respectful. Also this. And then also, and also, yeah, put it on a coaster. That's what the coasters are there for.
Who's this burrito guy? You, out.
You're 53 years old. What happens if I don't? Just because it's a party doesn't mean it's not at my house. What happens if I don't put it on the coaster? What happens? What are the consequences? Oh, you get a ring. Yeah, I don't want rings on the table. Get a new table. Rich guy. Rich spoiled guy. Went to your house. Pretty rich. Pretty rich guy, dude.
And the only reason that stuff is nice is because I don't have you overall. I'll tell you another thing, pal. And by the way, Krums, have you ever seen an adult... Who gives a fuck? Have you ever seen an adult eat a plate of food and spill half of it on the table? Me. You're 53! You think I do it by accident? I purposely put it out there. I know, I can tell.
It didn't spill once, any of these guys, by the way.
Okay, well, I'm not gonna fight you on that.
Yeah, that's the way to do it. Fucking ding dong. Here's another thing. But I am proud of you, by the way. No alcohol, no drugs, you're still staying sober. And I know that's hard.
He's much stronger than you at a party. No, because he... You're more wacky and he's more funny.
Sounds like little Zempikboy is a little jealous that he wasn't invited. Oh no, what did I do?
I'm talking to my friends at my house. I'm talking to my friends. Right, but you guys formed one and then guess what I did? You form shit. You naturally stand in a fucking pattern. You stand near people when you talk to them. And I talk to everybody. There's no gaps. Not for you.
And then you were included. That's all you have to do is just stick your head in there, bud.
It's a get-together, right? That's not a party. Parties are crazy. It's a get-together. McCone went to a party later that night.
Okay. Ja. Du willst... Lass uns da sein. Du willst da sein?
Wie schmerzt das mich? Es ist schmerzhaft. Es ist wunderschön. Ich meine, es ist ein wunderschönes Ding. Die Art, wie das hier ist, ist deine Tochter, Schwester. Ja, ja, ja. Das kleine Scheißband ist mein Sohnbruder. Sie gibt mir nichts zu tun, das hier. Scheiße, sie liebt dich. Ich liebe dich.
Sag ihm, sag ihm. Du hast recht, du hast recht. Aber ist er nicht wie dein Vaterbruder? Ja. Das ist mein Sohnbruder. Okay. It's the same thing. Yeah. Now, do you get it? I do get it. And you give her the world. You gave her your fucking car, money, place to live, job, everything she would ask for, you would give it to her. Wouldn't you? Yeah. You wouldn't even think twice. Yeah. My son.
Bobby kommt spät auf. Jules, er ist der coole Junge. Und alle klatschen ihn an, als ob es ein Sitcom wäre. Bobby ist der Junge. I am the, you know what I am? A sitcom. What were you wearing? What were you wearing for your birthday party? It wasn't a birthday party. Gathering. I was wearing a traditional German outfit. Yeah. So, who's the sitcom? You? You, dude.
Somehow, even me in costume isn't as wacky as you walking into my house. No, here's another thing you did. Me in costume isn't as wackadoo as you walking in, half jacket off. Hey, what's going on? You drape your legs over the chair like you're in a fucking movie set. You're so fucking funny. You live in space. You don't know it. We love it. But you live in space. You don't exist. You float.
You float. You are the cool guy.
You know what? I'm Phil Jackson. From the Lakers? Yeah, I'm the coach. The coach, I organize, I get great talent, I organize, I like to, I'm particular.
Yeah, it's funnier that way. I'm Phil Jackson, you're Dennis Rodman. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
He does. It is cool, dude. My point. You're making my point. He paints his nails before anybody else did it. He got tattoos. He wore dresses to press conferences. He went to North Korea to hang out with Kim Jong-un. With Bobby Lee. He hung out with Bobby Lee up there, according to Hakatua. Yeah. Did y'all see that video of Dennis Rodman hanging with Bobby Lee in North Korea?
Es ist ein lustiges Meme. Das Faktum, dass sie es gekippt haben, ist wild. Ja, ja. Das ist wirklich lustig. Die Internet ist unverfehlbar. Unverfehlbar, ja. Was ist in deinem kleinen Leben passiert, das ich wissen möchte? Hast du etwas Neues zu erzählen?
Okay. Die anderen Mädchen, hast du mit ihnen gesprochen?
Das sind wir. Wir sind alte Chemie-Teacher. Aber dieser Kerl war ein heißer Kerl. Würdest du mit ihm flirten?
This one's the best one. It's so much. It's so much. Yeah, yeah. So much. Dude. I think we got it. We got it. And let me say this. Are you okay?
What's his last name? We'll blank it out. Professor what?
Dr. Ruiz? Ruiz. Oh, how about this? This is a great idea for a movie. What? A college co-ed falls in love with her professor, right?
She realizes, what if she never gets to see him again? Yeah. So she kills her main teacher. So the sub becomes permanent.
I don't think that works. Sounds like a 90s comedy. That is what would happen. In a 90s comedy, they'd be like, well, Mr. Ruiz, I mean, you are here and we don't know where she's gone missing. Oh, I see. And you keep teaching for the week. Right. And he becomes permanent. Right. But then they fall in love, right? One night. They get together, they go out to dinner.
You know, I shouldn't do this because you're my student. Yeah. And although you're an adult. No, I got a better idea. Hold on. Okay. Although you're an adult. Can I get in the writer's room here? Yes. Okay. I'm too old for you. We shouldn't do this because you're my student and I'm the teacher. Yeah. And she admits over a glass of wine. Yeah. I killed Mrs. What was the first one?
Miss the original one. Pickleson. What was her name? Barbara Pickleson. I killed.
Barbara Pickleson. Pickleson so much better. Stop fucking up the writer's room. Stop fucking it up. And then he goes, so now he's indicted. He knows that she killed Barbara Pickleson. Right. And they need to dispose of the body together. That's the adventure movie is.
LaGuardia. Sie weiß nicht, was sie tun muss. Was machst du? Wer musst du töten? Ruiz. Yeah, Luke, you kill Ruiz.
She's not dead. You thought you fucking killed her. Yeah.
He's gay. He's full blown gay. Of course he's gay. Right. So now what do you do? You try to flip him, don't you? You flip him, dude.
You can be a beard. But did the beard ever get laid? The beard never gets laid.
No, you can't suck his dick. No, because he doesn't like that. Yeah, he doesn't like it. He might let you watch Carlos suck his dick. But because you're the beard, it has no physical attraction. You're just for public show. Maybe he's not gay. That's a harder thing to get around. I like the gay thing. LaGuardia is gay. And get this. She tries to flip him. So then... Trans. Oh right.
We have to name it. Flip-flop Terminal 2. What? Anyway, that's a pretty good premise. There's something about it. So the sub comes in. But you don't know if he'll ever be back. You might never see him again. Can this next sub be a sandwich?
That's a question our fans have been asking about you for a long time. In the movie, how do we explain it? We have to explain it. I don't know. How did he become a walking meatball sandwich?
And I put fucking like red sauce on it. And you identify as a meatball sub? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna do sub. You don't think we can make this movie? He's your brand new sub. Sandwich, that is. Wow. His balls are in his hand. He's like, remember, test tomorrow. Well, I hope this guy comes back. But the main professor, he's also really hot.
I think you're in love with just all your professors.
Yeah, this is just because you like, it doesn't even matter who they are. You just like the idea that someone who's knowledgeable.
Really smart. Oh, you like bright guys. Bright guys.
Interesting. But aren't you, are you still dating that guy?
He is smart. He's a sweetheart. Did you, do you tell him about the crush on the professor?
My father would have never waited in the car for four hours for my mom. What are you talking about?
Nein, es existierte nicht. Das ist ungewöhnlich. Niemand wartet in einem Auto für vier Stunden, während sie sich verhalten.
Aber er ist immer noch in die Nähe gegangen. Ich werde dich später wiederholen.
went to like eat I bet you I bet you know I know where he went to a boba place he loves that shit he loves that shit I bet you he went and got the food but came back just in case you wanted to leave or ate it in his car yeah he doesn't even eat in the restaurant yeah but all this is is he loves you I'm teasing because I'm sure he's sweet but he loves you that's all can I ask a real question yeah I think that's what would I ever be able to meet a woman where I'm willing to do that
You're late to the show. Du denkst, du wirst für eine Frau fünf Stunden warten? Zeit für dich ist nicht das Ding.
Stop, because I'm going to get pissed off. You drove to Coachella and then drove back.
You drove 144 miles just to get them a ticket to come right back. Yeah. How long is that?
You'll do that now. I would never in a million years. You would, I think. If my wife was like, hey, you need to be there for the tickets, I'll go, no. Du würdest es machen. Weil die Alternative... Ich würde sagen, weißt du was, ich fahre dich nach Hollywood Park, du kannst die Pferde-Rennstrecke sehen.
I complained the whole time. Big stink. Ich stinke, ich stinke, die Fenster müssen runter, ich stinke. Ich stinke die ganze Reise und ich mache dieses Ding, ich mache dieses Ding, wo ich wirklich ruhig bin, weißt du, und dann ziehen wir in eine Gasstation und dann fragst du mich, weißt du, du bist meine Frau oder was auch immer und du fragst mich, was ich drin habe. Oh ja. Warum stoppst du?
Was wirst du drin haben? Then walk inside.
But that's the stink I pull. If I'm driving you fucking five... You would do an inner sigh, right? And not even... Don't even need it. That's it. Yeah, yeah, that's it. But see, I would have gone to a casino out there. You know I like to play little cards. I would have stopped by a casino. Yeah. I would have stopped by a casino.
Es war Jimmy Buffetts Margaritaville. Ja. I love that place. By the way, I bought half of the bar of their dinners. I was so fucking happy when I got there and away from you guys, that literally every young couple at the bar, I was like, what do they have? I bought everyone's pet.
But I do think the problem is you're quite known. What does that mean? Well, then I would imagine it's hard being as famous as you are meeting a girl who doesn't expect stuff from you.
15 of the top ones you guys picked.
Alright, let's see. Okay, let's go to the first one. Satchel Freiburger. I love that one. Hitler loved him too. This is... Komm her, Freiberger! Was denkst du davon?
Ich mag es, dass es so aussieht, als ob es auf Schulpapier gemacht wurde. Ja, es sieht ziemlich cool aus. Was heißt das? Ja, aber was heißt es? Das Papier. Notebook, let's move on. Yeah, you know what I mean. But you know what I'm talking about? No, we don't. Let's move on. The boy's nodded. I do like that one. This one I like too. That's cool. That's Gavin Reyes. Shout out to him.
Wegen der Zeit des Jahres. Okay, okay. Aber ist das eine Art von Kunst? Wir sind auf dem Boden von Turtle Island, glaube ich. Ja.
Those are pretty accurate. Yeah. I like that a lot. I really like that. Pretty good. That's what my teeth look like.
Pablo Serrano. So that was... Oh, wow. Wow, I like that one. That's cute. That is so cute.
Das ist ein Top-Runner. Schauen wir uns das nächste Shirt an. Oh, das ist cool. Das ist wie ein Rap-Shirt. Wie ein Street-Rap-Shirt. Das ist cool. Danke, Pablo Serrano. Sehr cool. Und das ist Jomar Cabala.
Taco Cabana? The Restaurant? Is that what you're talking about? Do the right thing almost. He's talking about Spike Lee. Do the right thing. That's great. Thank you, Jomar. That's cool. Go to the right. This is Noel Hoffman. Wow, this is weird. Oh, I think you should, one of you guys sent one. Zoom it in, zoom it in.
Yeah, yeah. That's cute. That's pretty cute, though. Ah, by the way, it does look like a gay couple. Yeah, it does. But it's so cute. It just looks like a big bear and his little twink. It's so cute. Okay. Malos amigos. Tito Babi, Tito Randru, Andres. This is Ana Pimentel. Pimentel. Oh, so one of them is Dumb and Dumber. And the other one is Coco. Coco, that's pretty cool.
By the way, I cried so fucking hard. Oh, before we go on. Side note. Oh, maybe we did talk about that. Penguin is riveting. You saw the fourth one? I'm not there yet. I'm on the third. The fourth one is gonna make you... I'm gonna watch it when I get home tonight. I'm done with three. Four is gonna blow your mind. The whole thing is fucking fantastic. It's so fantastic. But can I say something?
This is gonna annoy you. Okay. Four hours of makeup every day.
You couldn't just get a fat guy.
I know. Do you know how long... Just get a fat, ugly guy. There's so many fat, ugly guys. Have you ever been to Van Nuys?
What do you mean? At my house you had like seven sausages. No, I didn't. I didn't have seven. Dude. We counted.
Es ist lustig, dass er... Ich habe John McCain gespielt. Er war im Militär. Er hat versucht, dich zu töten, Leute.
Colin Farrell, sie haben den Prozess auf YouTube gezeigt. Es ist verrückt. Let's go to the next one. Shout out to him. Wow. Joe K. That's cool. Pretty cool, dude. Oh, I like this kind of stuff. Alright, let me tell you this. I love this. I know. Zoom in on what the dialogue is. It says, I'm Bobby Mom.
Yeah. Honestly? Yeah. I think this art is so fucking rad. I like it. Look on the shirt. If you go over to the shirt, the thing I thought would be cool is, if it was actually threaded, if these were like threaded, you know what I mean? Oh my God, that'd be cool. Right? Doesn't that look like that? I like that a lot. That is a sick. I like that a lot. Ayan. Ayan. Shaik. Shaik. Come on, get a. Shaik.
Get us a way to say your name. Just put it in phonetics next to it. I don't know how to say that. I'm sorry, bud. That's a cool one. Love you, Ayan. Ayan. And this is Alex Villalobos. Los malos amigos. Okay.
You're ripping a heater on a horse. Look at the horses look tired. They look tired. We've been riding all day.
That is such a fucking great art. I'd buy that right now. Yeah, me too. I got a bag of golf clubs. You got a heater. Okay, next one. By the way, I do want just a little note for Alex Villalobos. Make his horse a little smaller. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Lindsay Wolt. Oh, I love those ice cream bars. Those are pretty cool, dude. That's fucking rad. It's so creative. That is, man. I like that a lot.
Dude, the fans are fucking... They're the best. They're unbelievable. So, like, talent. Lindsay Wolt. Wow. Shout out to her. And this is... Oh, this is so cool, dude.
I like that so much. Damn, dude, there's so much good stuff. Yeah. Octavio Garcia, Bobby Momslepking. I love the Rock'em Sock'em Robots. That's so rad. God. Next one. Creon Chickenhead. Dude. Bobby. Zoom in. Dude. This is great. Dude.
Dude, what are you wearing? You dressed me up this morning. Oh yeah. Dude, that is so cool. Can I tell you something? I would love to get a bad friend's choker. That is such a funny piece of clothing. Das ist verrückt. Giovanni Zanette. Oh, und das ist eine Verbindung von uns. Es ist Kunst. Wow, das ist fucking wild. Es ist Kunst. Das ist pure Kunst. Wie Andy Warhol. Ich denke, das ist so krass.
Ich würde gerne das auf der rechten Seite frame. Ja. Du musst uns diese fünf senden. Send uns die Bilder zu unserem Handy. Die sind so gut. Wir müssen sie wieder anschauen. Rudy, du musst uns auch wählen. Was ist das?
Although, they made you a little too big. Yeah, maybe. You should be a little smaller.
Well, you're more fragile. You're more tiny.
Die Turnovers sind so gut. Mit deiner Homemade... Homemade Whipped Cream. Whipped Cream. So gut. So gut. Aber ich hatte nur ein bisschen davon.
Oh, because you... Don't they... With Ozempic, don't they usually prescribe you?
I don't know yet. How long do you have to take? There's got to be a minimum amount of time they need you to take it. Because you can't just go right off it. It's probably really bad for you. Do you do it in the morning? You shoot yourself in the morning? You only do it once a week. Clinical trials look at the side effects of, it's called Semegalitude.
The active ingredient in those people lose an average of about 5% of body weight between week 6 and 12. You gotta go 12 weeks. I gotta go 12 weeks. The most benefit out of, I don't like the name, it sounds like Schmegma, Schmegmalitude. Scientific research suggests you need to be taking it for at least a year.
Er ist so berühmt. I know, but yeah. It's cool. You would love to be that famous. You can't go anywhere in North Korea without being recognized and praised. That's your dream. I should go there. Yes. That's what you're saying? That's your dream. You could be the Kim Jong-un of South Korea.
Hello, everybody. He's back and he's hip. He's back.
Nein, du bist nicht. Du bist nicht fettig. Du bist die Form, die du sein sollst. Fettig. Ich fühle mich einfach nicht gut. Well, I want you to feel good. That's it. Because I love you.
You should feel good about yourself without the Osempics, is what I'm trying to say, because that's a negative place to be. If that's what you think it's going to take to get you to a good place with yourself. But it has been working for people. But what does that mean? Does it work for a peer or just a physical? Because this needs to change too. Oh, here we go. What the fuck are you doing?
What are we doing? Well, there's a bunch of people on the internet that talk about the psychology of Ozempic. These people also need... You should be prescribed a therapist and Ozempic.
Sorry, sorry. You should have therapy with Ozempic. It should be required. Because this needs to change too. What is this, your brain? No, I'm talking about your temples. Yeah, your fucking brain. Weil wenn du so viel in diesem Bereich machst, Skal, Haare, Fäden. Ist das, wo dieser Name herkommt? Tempel, wegen Asien? In my temple. Der Geist ist dein Tempel. Das ist mein Tempel.
Yeah, for deep clean. He gave me two. Yeah, two. You get up front two and you finish the job.
Mein Kornstuhl. Das ist mein Kornstuhl. Ja, wow. Übrigens, das ist lustig, dass... Schau... I have nothing negative to say about the kid. I don't know the girl. I think things like this in this culture do this thing to you, where you're like, I want to be a certain way, so I'm perceived... Fuck that.
Did you go to see your general doctor? I did. And then so did they have monitoring you and stuff like that?
Ja, mach das nicht. Ja, ja, ja. Du musst vorsichtig sein, Alter. Ja. Ich meine, du kannst, wirklich, die Leute haben wirklich, wenn du überdosen hast, wenn du zu viel trinkst, kann es dich verletzen. Es hat mich verletzt. Ich meine, du könntest, du könntest verletzt werden. Du bist glücklich.
Wow. Ich liebe es, wenn sie mich nicht rufen würde. Ich liebe das. Ich glaube, sie hat dein Nummer. Sie hat es.
Sie hat alle. Oh, sie hat alle. Wir haben alle gesprochen. Mach das. Zuerst mal, bevor ich das tue. Bist du okay mit diesem Epic-Ding? Oder magst du nicht, dass er es macht? Nein, ich mag es nicht. Hör auf. Niemand mag es. Die Jugend weiß es. Tell him he's good just the way he is. You're good just the way you are.
Why are you listening to her? Look up celebrities who lost a lot of weight.
He looks great. He looks fucking great. Alright, but that was natural maybe. No, let's see Jesse Plemons. Stars who have spoken about Ozempic. Okay, here we go. Oh, you could be like Fat Joe. Now though. He looks great. But fat's in his name. How can you sell yourself as Skinny Joe? Middle Joe. Skinny Joe? Sounds like a local crackhead. There goes Skinny Joe.
Alright. Bella Thorne, she didn't do it. Look at her. Ashley Benson, I know Ashley. She's hot. She's a sweet girl. Ice Spice, big fan of Ice Spice. She did it? Hold on, stop. I want to see her quote. I wish y'all never learned the word Ozempic. That's one thing I wish. Oh my God. What even is Ozempic? What the fuck is that? Genuinely, what is that? You lazy ass bitches never heard of a gym?
It's called the gym. Are they denying it? It's called being on... On tour, like, what the hell? Like, maybe if I was sitting home all day, it would be easier to stay big. And by the way, it says, during X-Spaces chat. Nacy Gray.
That was so good. Wait, what is that fancy? Hold on. Candy Burris? I don't know who that is. She spells her name wrong. Spence Dog. Wait, so, no, no. These people, Carlos, that's stars who spoke about Ozempic. God, you gotta get a hold on it.
Dude, I walk in and I'm like, we order the food. I go to tap. I'm like, where's apple pie? She's like, no, apple pie, apple pie, apple. And she went into apple pie.
Bro, I felt so dumb and magical. It's like. You fucking idiot.
We ordered all this food. Yeah. And this woman said apple pie. You think she said apple pie? I'm like, it sounds the same.
She literally goes, yeah, apple pie, apple pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay, they take it. This is like a South Park episode.
Welcome to apple pie. Take apple pie.
Dude, that cracked me up. By the way, we only got the food because Al was able to, that guy, Al was able to figure his way out of everything.
He found a dude to loan him cash. In the restaurant? He like knew a guy and I was like, I don't even know this guy. He's like, I'll Venmo him or get him back or whatever to give him cash to pay for the thing.
Yeah, dude, he's a magician. You know what I mean? Like he's like a sitcom guy now. He is. You know what he used to tell me on the set when we worked together? He used to go, dude, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be like a fifth, sixth on the call sheet kind of guy. I'm gonna cruise in, I'm gonna go, that's what you guys are having? And then get out of there. And I was like, yeah?
And he goes, watch. And he did. Now he's on George Lopez's show, right? He's been on for years and he's cruising.
And for people that don't know, one of our good buddies, a comic, comedy store guy, has the worst blowups of anybody on earth. How? On stage, he fucking would blow up on audience. Oh, I know, I know. Oh my God. I know, I know. Someone would talk, he'd be like, lady? Yeah. And then it would just spill out.
And look at how sweet he looks. You would never guess. Do you get rage? I've been getting rage lately. When I was young, I did. But now I just ignore people talk. If they're yelling, I just don't. It didn't happen.
I hate it. I don't like- Go home! Or itchy people. You see a lot of like- Oh, yeah, yeah. You see a lot of itchy people in the store late at night.
Okay, I'll text you. Okay, bye. How do you have any professional relationships? It's unbelievable.
So Adam is really bugging you.
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma movie star. I'm in the presence of a movie star. And I'm so stunned by you because you're a movie star. I'm in the presence of a president.
It sounds like you're sick of it. It's a little too much. Ooh, so war has started here on Bad Friends.
Like that's your haircut guy? Yeah. That poor guy. He thinks I have an accent.
You're America in this scenario?
This is more like Seattle versus San Diego. That's really what this is about.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. Are you not hurting anymore? No, no. We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and much, much more.
When I moved into my new location, I wanted to not go to my old doctor anymore because it was across the city. And so I used ZocDoc. Thankfully, I was able to book an appointment the very next day.
And that's the best part. You've got real patient reviews that are on there, highly rated, verified, so you know people that went there, you can actually find out how they liked it, how was the lounge, how was the parking, all the stuff that you want to know for whatever you're looking for.
So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash badfriends to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.
That's exactly right. We use ShipStation here. Thank you. goodness for ShipStation. ShipStation grows your business no matter how big it gets. Lead your business into the future. Smart features like automations and they can boost efficiency, save you time.
That's pretty impressive. We use it. We love it. That's how we get you all of the bad friends merch thanks to ShipStation. Deliver a better customer experience with industry-leading, scalable features that help ensure accuracy. Get shipments out the door faster. Keep customers happy with automated tracking updates with your company's branding. How many companies have grown their business?
130,000 companies have grown their e-commerce businesses with ShipStation, and 98% of companies that stick with ShipStation for over a year become customers for life.
Okay, is this a house haircut? You get your haircut at your house?
Go to ShipStation.com. Use the code BADFRIENDS to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com. Code is BADFRIENDS. Five-hour energy. Daylight savings can hit you right in the face. Comes out of nowhere. How do you regain that energy that you lost from the time change, huh? That's where five-hour energy comes in. They have made the one-hour energy.
A tiny little pick-me-up for getting through the day or days ahead. A tiny little bottle and very big energy.
Look, man, you're working long days. Maybe you got a family. Maybe you have ancillary, secondary jobs. You got all sorts of stuff going on in life. And that's why One Hour Energy Shot has been our secret weapon. It helps you get over those little bumps, those little humps, those little dips in the day. It is quick and effective energy. It provides a feeling of alertness and energy.
And snap, snap, snap. What are you looking at? Come on over here.
Check out the one-hour energy shot and conquer your day. Visit 5hourenergy.com to find a retailer near you and try the limited-time one-hour energy shot. One less hour in the day, challenge accepted.
Okay, that's good. I'll give you that. Southern California. No, all of California. No, because Northern California is closer to Washington than we are to them.
Culturally, they can't stand us. We're different people. Northern California can't stand Southern California.
I'd even give you all the way up to like just under San Jose. Okay. Can I get San Jose down? I don't know if I can give you San. Yeah. Sack. I'll give you... Well, Sac's even further.
He's getting out the map for us.
Anyway, I'm so happy for him. I had a nice little weekend in Boston, Massachusetts. Had a fun time. Yeah, Wilbur. Went to a basketball game. Yeah, I did four at the Wilbur.
What's it? Yeah. Like that. Who's that? Take a guess at what his name is and what position he plays and what team he plays for even.
Jamal Bird? His initials are JB. Is it really? JB is his initials. That's pretty close. Yeah, thank you.
Courtside's incredible. And a gift from the Celtics. Shout out to Celtics for treating me like that. That was such a nice, cool thing that they did.
If you wanted to go to a football game, to an Arsenal game, they would 100% treat you like a king. Yeah, they would. They've emailed us multiple times about it. Just cut yourself off real fast. They've emailed us multiple times about it. Never got an email and I have to see it for myself.
Arsenal Football Club emailing you about. We're all buzzing. The guys are Arsenal fans. You know what, dude? Fuck you. Get fucked. You're going to get treated like a king. They love you. You don't go to basketball games.
You're in the presence of a movie star.
You know the fans don't believe this bullshit anymore. You know that, right? What? They don't buy it. This lie you keep feeding them. The fans are over this great lie. Everyone goes, we know Bobby's Hollywood. They know. It's a lie. It's a bad lie. When you hit the button...
Get him your sweat rag. Whatever that is. Buy him a new Whitney Houston shirt. He's going to sweat through this one he's got.
What? A year ago? It was a year ago. Right. Look at this. There's Bobby walking around on set smoking, being a diva. I heard. I got back some word that you were being a diva on set.
You're like a black comic shooting a special and they've got that sweat rag on stage. Get him one of those Apollo sweat rags. Dab him off. Okay.
You just don't go out of your way to talk to people. You're a fucking sleep till 4 p.m. recluse, and that's your thing.
I tried. Jamie Lee Curtis? She doesn't want to hang out with you? That's insane.
That's what I'm saying. Pick your battles, buddy. Yeah, I don't know.
Just like Adam Ray. That's the wrong battle. I was kidding. He's not going to think so. And I'm telling him after the show that it's war now.
Skinny diva. Look at him. Little skinny diva.
But it was incredible sitting on the tree. They treated me like a little king. It made me feel kind of special.
You know, it's a privilege. It's crazy. And an honor. It's wild.
Are you rocking magenta? Was that your pick or theirs? Theirs pick. That looks really good. Thanks, man. Do you think I should do the cowboy look? Because everyone's saying I should do the cowboy look. I think you should do the shirts and the hat, but not the boots. Oh, the boots are too much. Because you pride yourself in your shoe game. Yeah. You got good shoe game.
You're just showing us pictures of black guys now?
You always know how to reset the room, man. Wow. Honestly, you really reset the fucking room. You're the ultimate host. It's a cleanser. You are. You're a palate cleanser. What did Brody used to have? Apple cider vinegar. He used to have apple cider vinegar all the time.
I know. Dude, I hate the taste, but it's good for you.
Where are you getting so much toe fungus? Can I guess? Obviously the Korean spa.
Isn't that a, that's the movie? It's a movie, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, why do you have to angle it? You just put your foot in a bowl that's big enough.
Oh, you're right. No water. You don't water it down at all. I don't know. And it disappears. I've been taking oil of oregano pills every day. For what? I read that they were good for you. It is good for you. Is it though? Yeah. What do I take it for? I don't even know. And then I take lion's mane for my memory.
I take mushrooms. I take the mushrooms. Yeah. What's it called?
I take the mixture of the reishi and all that.
Yeah, lion's mane is mushroom. That's part of it. Zoom in. Oregano oil has antimicrobial properties that may help with bacterial, viral, and fungal infections, help with digestion, reduce coughs. Oregano oil can be toxic. Okay, that's good. It may irritate sensitive skin. I've just heard it's good for you, so I started taking small. It's so stupid. I don't fucking know.
You hear one thing and then you're like, I guess. But then I bought a TikTok machine.
I think boots are not your style. Yeah. But I think the hats are dope. I think the shirt, I think the belt is fly as shit.
I'm loving that you're deep into the TikTok now. I want to see your algorithm. Oh my God, it's crazy. Is it wild? The amount of stuff that I'm getting, I'm getting some bad stuff now.
Well, it depends on what your friends share with you because then you watch it and then it knows you watched it.
Well, then finish it. Guys. I'm in the presence of a movie star. What is it? What does she do? This is the worst.
I hate those. I don't like when I see a girl's get ready with me or whatever, and then they grab a thing and then...
they tap their fingernails on the they tap oh i love that asmr i don't i don't like asmr it creeps me out you don't like asmr i try to jerk off to an asmr video once where it's just like it's joi you know the instructions there's there's what and she's counting down she's like six five and i was like i'm not ready i like when four no slow down yeah i love when it's asmr scenarios
Oh, don't bring up. We talked about that before the show. That woman got shot yesterday and killed.
It gives me the shivers. Do you see what it just did? Space station. Oh, I fucking don't like it.
It creeps me out. I hate it.
I don't know why it creeps me out so much. Yeah. It just, it gives me this weird feeling, the voice. It's like very motherly. It's like you're, ah, I don't like that. It doesn't put you out? It creeps me out. It gives me the tingles. I don't like it. No, I don't like it.
What, her husband put on a hit? She's going to get, like, fast food. Her ex-husband hires a hitman, allegedly.
There's something about it that throws me into a, like a, it puts me in a, what is it? It gives me the ick.
Where is it? Oh, they got, Ginza Sushi Grill in Rome.
I would say- Chicago. Chicago. Yeah. So our guest is here? Oh, come on in. Come on in. Come say hi. Hi. Come say hi. Hi. How are you? Sit in this blue chair.
If you don't want to, you don't have to.
You don't have to fuck up your hair if you don't want to. You have great hair.
Australia or England? You take a guess, bud. I say England. You say right. Yeah. Which part of England though? I don't know. Well, take a guess. Brighton. Oh, by the water.
Big Nottingham fan. Are you engaged, by the way?
Yeah, yeah. What happened there? Do you think, was the divorce based on sleeping with a thousand men?
No, okay, right on. That had nothing to do with it?
Listen, I don't know what, I'm sorry, I don't know much. You don't know much about sleeping with a thousand men? No, no, no, but I don't know. I think you do, actually. Bonnie Blue slept with a thousand men in one day. Is that what happened? Is it one day?
Apparently a group, right? Carlos didn't say there was like a crew of people that were out to kill this woman.
12 hours. 12 hours. Can I ask some questions? He's got it, dude.
Wait a minute, that's 83 guys an hour? 83 an hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a British thing. I don't know that. Cracker Jack.
No, she's saying not Cracker Jack box. No, like the prize in the bottom. No, dude. She's saying there's a game where they put their hand in a box and they don't know what's in there. Yeah, we don't play that in America. I just said that. Oh, thank you. Sorry. Fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the game?
Yeah, you are. You're 18 times four, actually. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Do you have a ceiling? Do you have a limit? Is there an age limit? If a guy shows up and he's 70, do you say no?
Yeah. But I don't know. Old guys.
70 seconds, not that far. There's a thousand. Oh, there is? I'm 430. Like, would you be able to keep it up?
These guys all live in a basement, by the way. Yeah, yeah. For the record.
All right, but since we know each other. You'll never get there. 40 seconds, dude. You're out in like 12. Oh, no, no, no. Just because the thought of other guys that have been in there, you're so excited. That gets him so excited.
That's right. I'm still stuck on the bring in the pack lunch. That's so funny. Do people trade like snack cups? Like what if you didn't get something and you saw something else? I just think that's so funny in line. Being like, can I have the cookie?
She loves you, dude. I love her so much. And so they all wear ski masks.
By the way, I saw a meme today that said all guys that wear those hats that have the words upside down are douchebags. And it made me laugh so hard. I immediately thought of you. I was like, you have so many of those hats that are upside down. You have Dallas. You have Texas.
But they still have to be on camera.
Who is that guy in the first frame there with the big teeth, with the red jumper on?
He's a big tooth guy. I've seen him on Instagram. You've seen this guy. He's got huge teeth. Too much teeth. And that's the bit, right, that he has big teeth?
Little Chinese boy, sing to me.
That's me. That's me all day. If you're looking to ditch smoke and tobacco, but you still want that nicotine fix, you got to check these things out, man. They're made with natural coconut fiber filling, which is soft on your mouth, not rough and scratchy, not going to cut up the inside of your mouth. Other brands use wood pulp, which can hurt your gums. You don't like chewing on trees.
I am not a fan of wood pulp, man. It grinds my mouth up. All natural flavors for a cleaner, more authentic experience with 10 incredible flavor options available right now. Choose your strength between 3, 6, or 12 milligrams per pouch.
That's what I've heard. Oh, you do go six.
nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. A special offer isn't just for your first purchase. Use this up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. That's nykdpouches.com slash bad friends. Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.
Really? Yeah. Do you charge?
Ten dollars. I bet she's doing fine.
London you live in London yeah I don't know why I said that I made that up I live in Nottingham you lied I'm in London a lot but yeah we're going there we're going to London in the summer in this summer we're playing I don't know I don't like that it's called OVO we mentioned that twice I don't really like the Drake thing I wonder who would have a bigger queue me or you two How about this?
Okay, but you have Texas. You have another one, too. What's the other one you wear, too, that's upside down? Yeah, Los Angeles upside down. Who makes these upside down hats that all the kids have? True Brand. Yeah. I don't get it.
You take dicks outside of the arena. We'll do laughs inside.
You know how nice that would be? Yeah. For them to get a nut off and then come laugh. I mean, they'd all fall asleep halfway through the show. Yeah. Who would get a bigger line? I wonder. How many tickets do you think you could sell to a show? If you did a live show of you.
We sold 50,000 in Australia. Beat that.
Wait, you got banned because of people underage?
The government banned you. Wow. We would never do that in America. You know that. You're welcome. It's the greatest country in the world. We would never do that. Trump would never let that happen. He will rename bodies of water, but he will make sure you can do what you want legally. So now it's OnlyFans, right?
That's like the big, that's the thing. OnlyFans must make a killing.
Good. Is it posted? You know how people post what they make? We can see what everybody makes. Is that true?
Holy shit, man. Half a million people almost. They watch all, and do you post shit every day?
Wow. I'm interested. The divorce thing, when did this happen? Was this in the beginning of this? Or did divorce spark this, now I want to have a sexcapade?
It was a manufacturer error and they just went out like that. You know that, right? That's not true. That's how it got created. Really? Yeah, a hat got printed upside down and they sold them. You're tricking me right now. Dude, I'm tricking you all the time. I tricked you into doing this show. You've been here for five years now. This is a long time. Sucker.
Now, that is... We can't do that in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then do you talk to him now still?
Oh, is this him? I'd love it if this is the guy. Who is this guy right here?
He's also a handsome guy off camera. Yeah, very handsome. And he's big. He's got good thick thighs, dude. He's a thick daddy over there, huh? Well, he looks like a John Wick nemesis. He does. Where's my dog? Yeah. You're very beautiful though.
I find him more attractive if I'm being honest, but that's just different.
Yeah, she said thank you. How old do you think he is, by the way? Unless you already know.
That's amazing. Andrew, I'm not mad. Relax, dude. Shut the fuck up. No, no, no, dude. That's good stuff. She just said you were 36. What happened before that?
Look, you didn't want to talk about the girl you just met in Phoenix. All right. All right. All right. Okay. All right.
All right. Okay. So there. Yeah, welcome. How old am I? See?
See? Yeah. Every time. I look younger. I know. Yeah. This guy looks younger than me? God damn, dude.
Oh, I've looked 40 since I was a fucking kid.
25. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, you look 20s, but it ages you, doesn't it?
So this is at, what, you like rent a house?
I want to know him. I don't know any lords. But there's a guy downtown LA that thinks his name is Lord Davenport. So this guy has a house that you are at.
Wow. That's Lord Davenport.
Obviously you had to hook up with him.
Really? Lord D didn't take anything for the house, huh?
Wow. Shocked. Is he a good guy, this guy?
It says fraudster. What did he do to make his money?
Yeah, that certainly does. Sorry about that. They call him Fast Eddie Davenport.
What were you like in high school?
And you lost your virginity in high school, you just said? No. Yeah. What year in high school?
Yeah, I was young. Wow. And how old was he?
See, that's what I keep telling you. It's fine. You're going to be fine. I'm scared. Have you had pregnancy scares?
How was shooting the Theo Vaughn movie with David Spade and Theo Vaughn and a bunch of other stars? I mean, this is a star-studded cast. Dude, what are you doing?
That's funny. That's so good. You should do a photo shoot of you with a baby bump.
I ain't doing shit, dog. If anybody comes... Dude, don't get... What's up, bro? Oh, bro, he's doing... We good or what? Here it goes. Bro. Here it goes, dude. See that shit, dude? Uh-uh. This is Thug Bobby. He gets real tough. Sorry, sir. Do whatever you want.
I'm in the presence of a movie star. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Bad Friends. I'm in the presence of a movie star.
Any disabilities? Dude. Who gets to board first?
Whoa. You know what you should do? You really want to appeal to the Americans? Do veterans. A veteran thing, dude, do a USO tour. US, open up that mouth. USO tour. The veterans would be very appreciative.
Especially because these guys, a lot of them have PTSD. A lot of them have mental health issues and they feel abandoned by their country. I think you should do that.
We should do a theme where everyone in line is named Charlie. Just all Charlie. Yeah, Charlie. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a good theme.
Yeah, it's easier. Do you know what Sungwoo means? Guess.
Success. Success. And look at what happened. Yeah. Guy. No, hey, relax. Stop trying to fight that guy. Limey piece of shit. You never say your real name, do you?
I love you. You say your full legal name?
Tia Billinger. Tia's great. Do you have sisters?
What does she do? She's like a nurse or something?
Oh, she works for you? Oh, that's cool. How about mom and dad? Alive?
Stoked? What do they say about this? What's dinner at mom and dad's house like?
I'm not even in the thing. Yet. Kirk Fox, David Spade. Let's get the full zoom in. Let's go. David Spade, Kirk Fox, Theo Vaughn, Gavin Warren, Nate Diaz, Javier Suarez. Love him. Thomas Spader, Michael Eshawn York.
You know, daddy's proud of you.
Very proud. He came to one of your events, sweetie. He was wearing a mask. I wore the mask of a Chinese man.
One day, they're making another season.
He wants to be on Squid Games. The goal in life is to keep doing this. Get the fuck out of here. When are you doing your next one?
So I'm going to go to Cancun for a week and then go to Miami. Can Carlos go? Carlos wants to go.
She likes schoolboys. Oh, the guitars from ACDC, do that. Yeah, take off your hat though. Show her what the schoolboy would look like with his hat off. Look at that, dude. Look at this.
Are you on the apps? Are you dating?
You really could. I mean, he's been banned off a couple of apps.
He lies about his age. But it's fine. It's harmless. He just... You think he's 36, didn't you?
Honestly, us, we feel identical. Bonnie, where can people follow you? So where are you going to post the video?
And you're going to sell it, right?
Wow. How much are you going to charge for it?
But just do a hundred, make it flat a hundred.
A hundred feels like a, if you get 70, 80, you're kissing a hundred, just make it a hundred flat.
Think about that, dude. Yeah.
Yeah. Basket live or whatever. It is more, it's more fascination. It's more like, it's more voyeuristic than sexual.
People just want to watch it because they can't believe it.
Ooh. That's tough. That's tough.
I'm surprised that's not your character. Go up. Javier played Senor Senor. That's got to be a Bobby Lee character. Señor, señor. Señor, señor. Señor, señor.
Oh, that's so crazy. Joseph, we have to go to Asda. Wow.
Wow. Sweet. That's very sweet. Take your mom out to dinner. Where do they go eat?
Yeah, we do. Yeah, we have chicken.
It's going to be out on your website. When does it come out?
You haven't decided the date?
Smart. 100 pounds. 100 great British pounds. But he'll get the video for free?
Yeah, I'm a little nervous about it. He says, but I am hard right now.
He got it. Yeah, he's fine. He's fine. I'm very fine with it. Yeah. We'll do a nice little exchange. That'll be foreign exchange.
We'll call it foreign exchange. I'm sweating. I just said, you know. Oh, you're nervous about it.
And then you'll need better help.
right after it we'll double down alright so look for the Bonnie Blue tape Bonnie Blue thank you for coming by the way thank you give her a round of that was fun Bonnie Blue alright check this out we end the show you look into your camera and just say thank you for being a bad friend do it in your little spin however you would do it okay thank you for being a bad friend next time that's a great way to end the episode woo
I'm in the presence of a movie star. See this mood? See this mood? Wow. Look at that. Timmy Dillon, David Spade, Theo Vaughn. This movie's going to be huge, dude.
Buddy. Yeah. They did offer me a role.
I'm in the presence of a movie star. Let me tell you something. Yeah. No, he called me. Theo called me to see if I could do something. But I was in Philly. He literally called me on a Friday. He goes, dude, can you shoot tomorrow? I was like, tomorrow? No, I'm out of town. What the fuck? That's how I got it three days before. No, I know, dude. I'm not going to do shit. Jesus Christ.
By the way, let's reframe the joke you just made that you made the boys in the booth laugh at. I wait for money. What? We don't get paid to do anything on television or film. The last time I got a check to do a thing on TV was Dave. I'm in the presence of a movie star. I'm in the presence of a movie star. You really are. No, fuck you. I'm sorry, dude. You're a superstar, not a movie star.
Superstar. How was your week in Phoenix? I heard it was good. Did you see your mommy? I didn't see her. You didn't see your mom in Phoenix? You were in Phoenix?
Can I give you an old Chinese proverb? Give me two. He who visits sand and does not visit mother will soon know she will turn into sand.
Okay, so fine. Soon. Okay, you're right. Soon die. Okay. And soon die is the other Chinese proverb. Really? Soon die is? Soon die live now. Soon die live now. Soon die live now. Yeah.
So you get a check, you watch, you do shows and you don't see your mom, but that's okay.
Come to me. How funny would it be if George Clooney, what is, who's calling you? Johnny Yang. Johnny O-Yang? No, Johnny Yang. That's Jimmy O-Yang's brother? He's my haircut. Can I answer it? Yeah, sure. Okay. Getting your haircut soon? Getting your lettuce sliced? Oh, you hung up on me. Go ahead. Call Johnny Yang back. Sounds like a character from Mortal Kombat. Johnny Yang wins. Finish him.
Oh. That's funny. It's too cold to get set on fire. I know. It's the middle of winter. That's an old proverb. Your mom has a higher likelihood of dying in Phoenix.
Okay. How about some love stuff?
I miss you. I'm happy for you.
And I'm sorry I abandoned you. For what? I left you on the last episode. You had to do it. Oh, yeah, yeah. But still fine. But to say to the fans, I do mean this. A lot of times the fans are like, oh, what the fuck are they doing together? It's like, dude, we're all working on stuff. It's hard. We're trying to go on tour, work on our hours. It's hard to always be in the studio every week.
We've done the show for five years. We've literally never missed a week.
And we're going to continue to do that.
We got to pivot. We got to Jeremy pivot once in a while.
Yeah. Tell me it was pierced. It has a Prince Albert.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, those little egg bites. Close. Oh. One of those cake pops?
Sprinkles? Oh, he's bisexual. Yeah, there's sprinkles.
Does he dip it? Does he like dip it in the sprinkles?
See, I was supposed to see him the other day. I was working out on the west side and he was like, oh, can you meet up? I said, I'm never going to make it to the store. But I'm happy now I didn't go because now I guess he was showing his penis to you.
Well, he doesn't have a big penis.
No, no, no, with a woman. No? All right.
But what if I put on a female voice?
What if when you call me and I'm like, hey, bye.
it's you've tried before it doesn't work pisses me off yeah yeah kanye went on a tirade about hermaphrodites on twitter by the way it's unbelievable what he was kanye was like you tell me if you're hermaphrodite you wouldn't uh stick your penis in your own vagina and i really had to think about it i was like that's actually a great point well you would have to bend it like beckham yeah you know i mean and i don't know if my i was literally about to say ben and like beckham
We're on the same page. Really?
Look, if I'm a hermaphrodite, oh, if a hermaphrodite only dates women, that's a hermaphrodike. That was his first joke.
But the other one was, the other one was, you're telling me if you're a hermaphrodite, you wouldn't try to stick your penis in your own vagina. Then he said, I thought about it, I'm no longer a Nazi. He literally wrote, I no longer am a Nazi. That's so funny, dude. He thought about it. He thought about it. Wow. You got to think about it.
Because of Adam Sandler. Because Adam Sandler gave him a tribute to the 50th SNL. Is that what it was?
Hey, buddy, you can't talk about me like that.
He is maybe the coolest, most like funny, chill, down to earth dude I've ever met in comedy. And I'm not even kidding. At his level, like Chappelle is very sweet and dope too. But like Sandler's, Sandler still has that boyish like, he's like, oh, hey buddy. It's sweet. It's like, I don't, I can't even describe it.
It's something that these guys never do. No, no, him specifically.
Bro, his tryouts are in a week. Yeah. Let me tell you something. You're walking down the street. You pass Carlos. Yeah. And Carlos goes, funny guy. The girl's going to be like, ew, what was that?
That guy's got to go to jail. Yeah, yeah.
How about this? When you see Bobby in public from now on with a woman, you do not recognize him, you ask for change. You act homeless and you ask for change. Yeah. Like they pass each other.
Yeah, he told me you were at a nightclub or some shit last night.
Wow, I thought that closed down.
Because they fell off for a little while.
Is House of Pies still open across the street?
That's like your favorite people.
I fucking love tattooed Mexicans.
Swingers used to be the shit. That's probably me in the background before I lost the weight. Yeah. Wait, no, listen, this is a crazy moment. We were shooting over there one time and I go, Al Madrigal goes, hey, let's go get House of Pies for lunch. You know, cause we were like skipping the crew lunch.
And I was like, I'm starving, dude. Let's go over there. He's like, fuck yeah. And he goes, oh my God, my wallet's in my trailer. And I looked down at my phone. I'm like, my wallet's in my fucking trailer too. I was like, shit. So we're asking people, does anybody have cash? And everyone's like, I don't have cash. So I call House of Pies. And she's got to be still there.
It's the old Asian woman that answered the phone.
And she goes, she's like, hey, House of Pies. And I was like, hey, do you do Apple Pay? And she's like, Apple Pay? Yeah, Apple Pay. Yeah, Apple. Yeah. And I was like... I'm not making this up. I swear to God. I know this is such an Andrew Santino bit for the show. But I was like, yeah, you take apple. Yeah, she's like, yeah, apple pie. Yeah, yeah, apple. I know what you're saying.
The same amount to mount the play. It'd just be like mounting the play in Chicago. And instead of spending that money mounting in Chicago, we just filmed it with Dave.
Different genius.
You know what's really not good? People who come on these things and don't wear the cans because whatever reason. Yeah, some people don't like them. Yeah, but David Mamet's wearing cans.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Smart to rock that jacket today, though. Yeah. He did that deliberately. Of course he did. Yeah, of course.
About the jacket?
I mean, I respect it. Hats off. But, you know, it's like a weak point. Yeah. Yeah, you win a weak point. That's right. Okay. Awesome. There you go.
dave didn't give me any compliments on my outfit today i don't think you ever had for the first time you didn't look he's very fashionable you didn't look like this first time you didn't look like you dressed from the dryer in the in the dark no no i knew you were coming i wanted to be respectful i tucked my shirt in dude are you really dead dude yeah yeah and he got a belt dude i put i even tucked my belt in oh that's good well wait a second
That's how serious I'm taking this today.
I love Jay.
Jay's a big part of my like, you know. What a change. That dude saved me in a lot of nights. He saved me, that guy. Dude, people don't talk about it, but he's a big...
Yeah.
Yeah, he's that example for me. Yeah. You know, when I was doing this play, I was still low. I would drag him to meetings with me. He would show up to meetings. Well, he loves stories. So our room's got stories for days. So he would just go in there to listen to these stories with me. Sometimes I wouldn't want to go by myself. I'd say, Dave, come with me. That's the kind of cat he is.
Yeah, we met at a good time.
No, it's the only way.
Elijah's like that for me. There's like 40 guys I would tap and say, oh man, if not for them.
That's the beauty of it. I mean, that's why you're here is life. Yeah.
Well, no, when we were filming, we were filming. When we were filming, we were always grind mode. And then I would catch my meetings when I can get them at night, usually. He's way overwhelmed, trying to mount, especially the way we did it. It was just, there was no, like, extra time. Yeah.
But before all that, you know, because he is who he is, and maybe it's just my thing, there's a getting over Dave Mamet process. Yeah. You know what I mean? You got to get over it. You just got to get over it. It'd be like being asked to play Batman. Like you just got to get over and get to the work. It's like you can scare yourself to complete mute. You can terrify yourself.
First day he walks in and you know you're about to be in a play that he wrote. It's...
one of the scariest moments of my life for like the first table read so like i showed up to the table read i don't know really what i'm doing i never did a play i know it's a david mamet play what i know is like that's the pinnacle like get every word every punch so i show up at the table read i'm off book that's not normal normally you know you're reading yeah i'm scared yeah yeah yeah yeah
So that fear helped me, but the fear had to wear off at a certain point. And I don't know if it ever wore off during the play, but we became friends in the midst of that, like close, close, like closer than I'd been with most any director I'd ever worked with.
No, no. Well, he was so nervous.
So like Evan has done plays before. Plus, Evan and him already have a relationship I didn't have with Dave. I met Dave through fan letter. You know, I've been trying to get the day for 10 years, you know, and there'll be a project that pops up. And yeah, I'll do anything. What do you want me to do? And then it'll come. It'll go, you know, or somebody will take it from him.
Like we were going to do this JFK movie.
Oswald, that's that's one of the great roles, you know, you could ever have. So and in the midst of grinding on that, they took it from him and then he fell into a dark spell because it's like somebody taking your baby from you. And and then and then it was and our play was still up as all this was going on. So it was a matter like me and Evan, like, oh, we got it because he's captain.
Yeah, but that's his genius.
We got to get captain back up. You know, we got to get his spirits back up. So we almost threw it out like like no way. Maybe he'll bite because usually we throw ideas to him. He doesn't has no is no interest. Right. He'll say something like, yeah, no, I hear you. Unless it's unless it's to the work. If it's about to work.
I'm a genius, right? I know you. Yeah, I know you too, dog. I've given you so many compliments. If I give you another one today, it'd be uncomfortable.
We would have, though.
We were prepping this behind his back, actually.
Yeah, we were prepping the thing, trying to get it mounted. Obviously, we couldn't hire nobody, but we're trying to get everything, me and Evan, trying to get it, mostly Evan, trying to get everything sorted so he could come in and sort of, you know, turnkey go. And then he had to pick his DP and then that was his whole thing.
But I remember there was like a month where we were trying to sneakily get this thing prepped and mounted behind his back because he thought, no, no way you could do it. And I kept like pushing towards Louis C.K. content. I kept saying, oh man, Louis CK, boy, Dave, Louis CK matters, Dave. You know, he matters for a bunch of reasons, but he should matter for us a lot right now.
He's kind of the guy, he's doing it and he's winning independent. You know, he's pushing through all the BS and he's getting to the crowd, you know, he's getting. And you, like, I just came off of Coppola land. This is a guy who's got power. He can make the entire industry flex. Like he'll make them all turn based on- Did you like the movie? No, but I love him, you know?
Yeah, and we fought all through the thing, because it wasn't my dream, and I was trying to learn his dream, which you're always trying to do when you're on a movie. You're trying to learn your guy's dream. Sometimes those dreams aren't easily accessible. Sometimes you feel like you're not old enough to get to the dream. With me and him, it felt like that.
It felt like, oh, you know shit I don't know about, you know? Because I'm a baby, and you don't live the life, you know? So I would acquiesce to him. But I remember he could make the industry move, you know? Because he had that kind of power. And then I look at his accomplishments, And then I look at Dave's accomplishments and I don't see this drastic divide.
I feel like I respect the stuff Dave did as much as I respect the stuff Francis did, but Francis had the shot to get to the audience that kind of made a clear path for him. He was like the darling of the industry. And so I don't know how many resident geniuses you boys have, but I don't have any. The fact that I know Dave feels like some kind of miracle.
So then it was like, oh, well, if I could just work on Dave's stuff forever, that would be a dream come true. Oh, wow. Yeah, so then it was like, how do we get Dave a channel? How do you get his own Dave Mamet channel? Yeah. That's how the conversation started.
Funny to hear you talk about talent because... That's very funny to hear you talk about talent. Anybody who's a David Mamet fan, talent's not a big David Mamet word. Persistence. You know, like just like grinding, throwing water at the same fucking mark on the stone for long enough and eventually it'll happen, I think. Even with you, because I feel like with you, it's like...
I have to be careful. I can't really tell you all the way how I feel. I respect you too much. You know what I mean? I kind of have to... Through Evan. Evan... Because Evan and him have something I didn't have. You know, I'm not spending every weekend all the time, you know, with Dave like that. So Evan was good at translating things that I couldn't like...
You know, like I would just come off too thirsty. I think I would scare you because I'd be too ambitious, too thirsty. Because when I say stuff like, Dave, I'll do anything you ever want to do. I think you're the greatest writer. It almost sounds like bullshit.
Oh, Henry Johnson. HenryJohnsonMovie.com. That's how you get it. Oh, it's out now. Everyone can watch it now.
No, no. This is not some other thing going on in his head. That's not the thing we made together. As he said it, I was like, this isn't it. No. It's about like empathy. It's about like overdosing on empathy. If I was going to put it in a sentence, that's what I read when I read it. It's about overdosing on empathy. It's about how empathy can actually fuck you fully if you overdose.
He doesn't eat breakfast. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like that. Just like that. Just like that.
What do you mean, me? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. You mean, oh, you went right there, huh? It could have been 5,000 things. That's the movie I want to see.
Well, I never done a play. So I still, I run these lines in my shower still. Oh yeah. They're so tattooed to your head. I don't know. I mean, I never, I never prepped anything like that. Lines never really mattered to me. And now, you know, after working with Dave, they kind of, I don't know, they don't matter to him either. I didn't know that walking in though.
You know, walking in, I thought you better get every fucking comma.
Oh, that's it. And you would. No, he wouldn't. No, you would. Yes, you would. I'm telling you, Bobby, you would. And you'd be great. Even the magic of Mamet couldn't get this guy. No, no, I think the both of you, I think the both of you would be great.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not even lying, but you memorized the bit.
Yeah. Only because it's better. If I could ad lib better lines, I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And have on every other show. Yeah. But when you're here.
It's like Aaron Sorkin, him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't. There's no need to help.
Everybody has to wear cans. Everybody wears cans.
That's not a bad question. There had to be some. I got you. There had to be some harder than the others.
No, Bobby. He likes pre-worn bullshit. He loves it. I understand it, though. I get it. Well, explain it to me, Shia, if you understand it. I know you very well, Bobby. I feel like I grew up with you in a weird way. You did? Yeah, in a weird way.
Well, I met him. So Radford Hall used to do these big comedy things, like where they'd bring in all the comics. Can we talk about sobriety? Yeah. So I met him in a recovery. Basically, we're in a big Radford Hall. I remember. Okay. You were with a hottie. I was. Let him finish. My father. Fuck, dude. And Bobby was like the headliner for three years in a row.
And I remember the first year at Radford Hall, I really wasn't looking forward to it. And then Bobby got up in about two minutes and his dick came out and all the drunks in the hall loved him. And it's been like that for three years. And then I think on the third year, I remember I went up to Bobby and I tried to talk to him. You were very busy and you had a beautiful woman with you.
You guys know him too, huh?
Nice guy? Yeah.
I get so nervous around him, too. Also one of the greatest comedic writers that we've ever seen. That's what I'm saying. It's to be the same thing that I initially, like, it's the same kind of thing.
But I remember telling you, you're my favorite comic. And then I said it to you three or four times from then on. I saw you at Lijah's thing.
It's so hard to do, you can't actually talk about it without kind of destroying the magic of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, we don't want it. Yeah, we don't want it.
Yeah, for me too.
Any more movies, it sounds like. Yeah. What's crazy is that he has that feeling. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, you know what I mean? Which is comforting to hear.
Well, that's the thing. You think guys like that don't.
Well. This was 2004 or something like that. 2004, dog.
Dolly, he could have known. Did you ever hang out with Sam Shepard? You guys ever go, hey, you know, man, I like your shit. Hey, let's, nothing? Never in passing?
Wow. Wow.
And this show's going to be crazy. If anybody cannot wear cans, it's him. It's Dave Mamet. Exactly.
Did I ever give you a note?
I think if you're well endowed, you can't do male nudity. I think it's only good if you're three inches and under, and then you can get away with it.
Because it's brave. Because then it's brave.
You look at Bobby do that, and you go, that man is so brave to do that.
I'm sorry. But wag the dog they came in for the table read. Wag the dog. Yeah, but I wasn't there. You didn't come in for the table? Fuck no. So it was just Hoffman and De Niro?
yeah fuck that'll never happen again that kind of shit that was great do you like the new i mean you know the bill burr i mean the glenn glenn i mean have you seen it yet with yeah i think they're great okay the reason that shit will never happen again is because those conversations aren't happening like that correct yeah they're gone you never have elevens and call a guy up and be like hey like two crafts people be able to have that conversation unadulterated without any of the keepers you know the minders and god you're a bright kid all right stop it
Yeah, but he always knew me as a kid. I met him as a kid. I met him on a razor scooter. He was riding Bumblebee.
No, you're not as bright as Shia. There's no way. I think also because you'll physically harm him.
Yes, he has for sure.
I was I've been very. He's like a black belt, dude.
Yeah, he's a jujitsu black belt.
My dad did that.
No. I'm just a regular guy. He's a normal guy like us. Just a regular guy. No, it's Dave Mamet. Let's see him...
He's not ready. Hit him again.
Who's that? God, this feels so... You're not ready. You're not ready at all, dude.
You're not ready.
What? I'll tell you like this. The difference for me is you get off the plane in Japan and no music is playing in the car, right? And maybe they'll ask you if you'd like to listen to your music in the car. In Korea, you're listening to their music and they don't give a fuck what you're listening to.
And there's something about that.
Then you know you're in Korea.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Oh, you're married. Never like that, though.
You weren't like that either. What? You're a bit like me. You're a little bit prude-like, right? It's like one girl for a long time, and you're not dating five, six women.
Yeah, because I don't want to mess it up.
A long time. Years and years and years.
But even in your young life, in your young life, in your young life, you weren't doing this five to six different.
OK, all right. That's been all day. Everybody was free. That's an easy answer.
You know when you got a good relationship with somebody who you really respect and then you never want to talk to them?
You're that guy. You're right. This is new what's going on for you now. It's heavy. You're at the cutting edge of this new thing going on.
Well, he's got five, six different beautiful women a week. He dates. No, no, no. Chaya. You just said that. I know. Dates. Dates is dates. Not sex. Not. Okay. You mean just like a corned beef sandwich.
I do love it.
Well, because I figure where you hang out, you probably hang out at the places where you're very famous. Yeah. He's the type to go to the corned beef sandwich spot next to the stand-up club so he can get that social currency of the, hey, Bobby, good to see you again. Want a corned beef? Shia, it's so good to have you here. I'm pretty dead on here, right?
Yeah? No way. Yeah. I would have never pegged that.
I see you liking it.
Let's do that then.
Yeah, I was going to say, I think you're being humble. I think Dave does know. I think when we're doing the play, he's there. It's not like Dave's gone and the play's dead and we're just putting it up. He's in the crowd. He's not watching us. For the most part, I mean, I don't know what you're watching, but when I'm backstage watching you watch, it's a whole lot of... You know, he's in the back.
He's all the way in the back watching the backs of heads. Wow. And so like when heads start to like start looking around and stuff, he's got to fix his script. At least what it feels like. The stuff that gets revised, we don't get much of it and it happens pretty quick and it happens pretty early in the process. But he'll come to the first five, six, seven different shows.
He'll watch the crowd move around. You'll get these little revisions and that'll be the last of it.
I don't know. And your ad for the hot sauce.
I'm good. How are you? What's going on in your world right now?
Kamala. Whatever you say. Ja, also werde ich nicht deportiert. Ja, du wirst.
Du wirst. Warum? Wenn wir etwas damit zu tun haben.
Yeah, I don't know if I can say it, but I got dumped by my friends.
Friends. Wait, your friend dumped you?
Yeah, and you guys said I needed new friends because my current friends were trash.
Yeah, you did. We said trash? I think so. And then they heard about it.
From the podcast. Why are they listening?
That's what I'm saying, but then I guess they're listening.
I explained it in a long letter. Apologizing for hurting their feelings.
They didn't like that I called them party girls. I want to. It's the real.
Ich will Party. Fuck, ja. Du bist Party-Girl. Ja, du bist Party-Girl.
You can do that online. Request another. A birth certificate? Exactly.
Jemand aus dieser Gruppe, dem ich nahe bin, ich habe sie persönlich getextet. Und sie hat gesagt, ja, wir haben uns nicht gefallen, was du im Podcast gesagt hast. Und du hast unsere Gefühle verletzt. Okay, zuerst einmal, wir haben die Gefühle verletzt.
Und ich habe mich ein bisschen gezwungen, als du gesagt hast, du brauchst neue Freunde. Jules' Ex-Freunds.
What? What? In school? I can see them though.
Do you get butterflies when seeing him?
Yeah. No, I sent like a whole letter, like a long letter to them and they still never...
You farted at both of us. Thank you so much.
Yeah, and you were getting red, so I thought it was... I'm hot.
You know the eye drawer? You got to go back to the eye drawer. You know the drawer they use? There's our dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we are. Here we go. This is the OG. This is the OG crew. Okay, so let's see. First up is Bert. What's Bert? Bert. Bert's gay. Yeah, I know Bert's gay, but he looks Eastern European. Look at the eyebrows.
Cookie Monster is Armenian. He is. Is he not? Yeah, bro, bro, eat your cookies.
Let me think about Grover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Autism. Yes, he's autistic. Okay, autism. Right? But what's his nationality?
Exactly, dude. Exactly. That's what they're like. When they colonized, there was a million of those. Yeah. Your country! Imagine on the beach. We're gonna steal your country! We're gonna steal your country!
Not Grover. What's the brown guy? The dog to the top left. Fozzie. Fozzie. Not the right, to the left.
Ralph. Yeah, Ralph. I mean, we know what Ralph is. We don't even need to know what he is. Go ahead, man. No, you go ahead, man.
You said you know what it is. I mean, he looks like an adopted black kid. By a white family? Yeah, the white family. Look at the way he's doing his hair now.
He's studying to be a nurse, right? Somebody said that? Yeah, that's still really funny. Sesame Street welcomes first nurse puppet. But here's what I don't get. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. About Sesame Street? Yeah. Is there a Chinese one?
Okay, let's go. That's Ernie, right? Yeah, that's no specific.
Which one's the Muppet? Which one's the muppet? That's an Asian muppet. Her name is Ji Young. That is not an Asian muppet. That's not on the show. On the show. That is on the show. That is on the show. But also, that's not an Asian muppet. He's Korean. She's Korean. That girl looks Spanish. That looks like a Spanish muppet. You know what it is? You know Jim Henson's factory or whatever?
Okay, I'll text you. Okay, bye. How do you have any professional relationships? It's unbelievable. What do you mean? Like that's your haircut guy? Yeah.
Okay, is this a house haircut? You get your haircut at your house?
What? A year ago? It was a year ago. Right. Look at this. There's Bobby walking around on set smoking, being a diva. I heard. I got back some word that you were being a diva on set.
Skinny diva. Look at him. Little skinny diva.
Are you rocking magenta? Was that your pick or theirs? Theirs pick. That looks really good. Thanks, man. Do you think I should do the cowboy look? Because everyone's saying I should do the cowboy look. I think you should do the shirts and the hat, but not the boots. Oh, the boots are too much. Because you pride yourself in your shoe game. Yeah. You got good shoe game.
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma movie star. I'm in the presence of a movie star. And I'm so stunned by you because you're a movie star. I'm the president of a president.
I think boots are not your style. Yeah. But I think the hats are dope. I think the shirt, I think the belt is fly as shit.
Oh, don't bring up, we talked about that before the show. That woman got shot yesterday and killed.
Her husband put on a hit. She's going to get, like, fast food. Her ex-husband hires a hitman, allegedly.
Carlos didn't say there was like a crew of people that were out to kill this woman.
I would want top level. Okay.
Little Chinese boy, sing to me.
I'm in the presence of a movie star. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Bad Friends. I'm in the presence of a movie star.
Come to me. How funny would it be if George Clooney, what is, who's calling you? Johnny Yang. Johnny O-Yang? No, Johnny Yang. That's Jimmy O-Yang's brother? He's my haircut. Can I answer it? Yeah, sure. Okay. Getting your haircut soon? Getting your lettuce sliced? Oh, you hung up on me. Go ahead, call Johnny Yang back. Sounds like a character from Mortal Kombat. Johnny Yang wins.
As you track through the woods with your bow. Yeah, dude. Ho-hum.
Where the donuts are old fairy and they're filled with cum. Ho hum.
You have. Dollywood. Do you cancel sessions that are important to us? Yeah. I know. That's what I'm talking about. It's an inner lingering slow burn of anger. Hi, Rudy Jewell. Look what we got for you. A normal chair. Rudy. Rudy.
She went to ugly and also just ghosted the hot guy.
Yeah.
That seems to be the truth. It's the truth. That seems to be the reality of the situation.
Pure love. It's the kind of love Mother Teresa gave to the poor. Same. Exact same. Yeah, yeah. It's that kind of unhinged. Undying. Undying love. That's what I meant. Anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Giuliani is back.
I'm not even on the list. What? I cannot believe it. Let me ask you, lady. You see her every day. There was a fire long ago, right? Yeah. Right? Was there not a fire long ago? The Great Chicago Fire? No, the Great LA Fire. Oh, the lovely LA Fire. People are running, you know what I mean? Yeah, running, right? Help! Right? I get a call, can you harbor and take care of little Jules and the dogs?
And I said, kindly, my heart is out to you.
And you know what happens to that heart? They pee on it.
Yeah.
In the yellowest pee you've ever seen. Wow. Yeah. Jimmy O Yang yellow. Wow. Yeah, that's the most yellow you can get.
Yeah.
We embraced you. Not just tiger belly. Oh yeah. Trash Tuesday, baby. Where the money is. So here's the problem. And the followings and the glamor and the glitz.
Yeah, you do. You get angry.
I'll even do one you better, dude. Yeah, give it. Right? We're the hot guy, right, that she dated.
But just hear my point.
We're the medium guy. But then she got blew up and went uglier. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm going to go down. I'm going to go downtown. What's been going on, Jules?
What happened to Gene Hackman? What happened to Gene? What happened to him? What happened to Gene? Your ching-chong wife died too. What happened to Gene?
That's the point of the chairs. I love those pants. Thanks. Are those cowhide?
You don't have to wear headphones, but this is how we hear each other more crisp, and you can hear the levels if we play video.
Okay. Okay. He is Hector Gomez, the guy that works right outside. Yeah, dude. The guy we buy fruit from. He works at Pep Boys, dude.
Okay. No, no. I'll change your tires.
What is this shirt that you got in Australia? Look at Bobby got a shirt in Australia.
No, look at this. You clearly can't fit. Take that one off first.
Why do you have to do it off? Do it on. Do you have boobies? On, on, on, on, on. Oh, you look great. Ozempic.
July 18th and July 19th for Ireland. That's right. 18th in London, 19th in Ireland. You guys, come out and see us. Go to badfriendspod.com. Kicks are going fast. They are going very fast. Dublin's about to shell out. Shell out. So, July 18th and 19th, go to badfriendspod.com. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
He's on the other one. So you can fit in the shirt you bought. That shirt was $9,000. So it's got to fit.
This felt real good. We went to Graceland. The woman giving us a tour was shocked because teenage kids were there, high school kids, college kids.
But they're looking at us and they're like... No, you were the only one there. Me and the crew. He was sleeping. But they were like, bad friends, bad friends. The woman who gave us the tour goes, I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. And I was like, oh, we just do a podcast. And she goes, you know, that's weird. People know you here. I had Austin Butler here.
Not one person recognized him or said hello.
They want to shut the whole city down.
They would never ask. They would never ask. Hypothetically. No, because it's not, the hypothetical is that they would never, but I wouldn't belong in, no, I don't.
Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I would do... People's Choice. Does the Apollo have award ceremony? Soul Train. I would love Soul Train Awards. Soul Train Awards. There was a skirmish at one of them recently. It was kind of a melee. By the way, the best white word about an all-black fight is a skirmish. A skirmish. There's a skirmish out there happening. It's a melee. Something happened.
That was like, this is my buddy. Yeah. Was on the train in Chicago. And he hears these two dudes are on the subway. And the one guy's like, hey, yo. And he recognizes his friend. He goes, oh, what's up, man? He goes, whatever happened to Charles? Or whatever the guy's name was. He goes, whatever happened to Charles? He goes, oh, man. Charles is dead, man. And the guy goes, oh, shit. What happened?
And real calmly, he goes, it was a dispute.
Validated. He asked if it was like, oh, yeah, it's no big deal. Hosting 2025 Golden Globes. Joe Coy bombing and roasting Emilia Perez. I don't even know what I was watching. What is that? She's commenting about it?
That's her quote about... It's so unfair. But why would she comment about Joe's performance prior? That's her quote? I don't know if that's her quote. Oh. No, but it does say, I don't even know what I was watching. I think, look, learning from Joe Coy bombing and roasting Emilia Perez... See, I wouldn't, that's the thing.
I don't want to do the, I wouldn't want to do this shit because I don't, we have no business in that business. I have no business there. Well, that's the thing is like the same thing with the politicians. If they were giving awards out at Mar-a-Lago.
Genuinely, what public event? I think a very fun tech awards. Tech awards would be fun.
Outside of Mr. Chow's on Beverly.
No. I've never done a roast either.
They asked us to do it. We said no thank you. I will say by Netflix. They did ask us? They did, but we're also, we're not. And no thank you is the right move. Well, they were Netflix. We were both doing Hulu stuff too. So I just, I felt like that was a weird, I was like, I don't want to.
Yeah. And then Jeff announced that he has cancer. Well, he's better now. So he's gone.
Yeah, well. I don't know. What do you think? Did he tell you not to talk about it?
Not a month, but a year. A year, wow. Yeah. Good for you, dude. Do you get Balenciaga sunglasses? No, but I bought him sneakers.
Now, did they blame the barrier, right? Didn't they say the barrier?
They blamed the wall. It wasn't anything. It wasn't the malfunction of the plane.
Slow down nicely, yeah. Say that phrase again. If the wall wasn't there, this wouldn't have happened. This wouldn't have happened. This is the Israel-Palestine thing all over again. There we go.
I'm going to show you a photo. By the way, you have a photo of the year of 2025 already. What do you think? Is the burning Cybertruck outside of Trump Tower. I want it framed in my house. It's huge. It's beautiful. The Cybertruck on fire outside of Trump Tower. It's golden. It's gorgeous. Look at how good that photo is. It's a great photo. I want that in my living room. Something's up with that.
I don't know what. We're not there yet. We're not there yet. They're planning it. There's more to come. Something feels weird about the whole time we're in.
Well, tell them about the story of the animal. You know what this is? He texted me yesterday.
No. Okay. This dog. He was flying the plane. Yeah.
The grandpa's like, one day, you're going to be pudding.
One day, you will be pudding. You were called an elf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never returned. So this is awful. I told him, I said, let's adopt a dog. We try to find a way to get a hold of it. Yeah. We'll take the dog.
But this is the thing. They wrote the story with no intention on helping the dog. They don't give a fuck. No, the dog is already dead. It's gone. The dog is down.
But let's do a moment of silence like you wanted. For Pudding and the rest of the people.
He's saying, do you have wakes? Like, you know how they do the Irish wake? That's what I mean.
Can you imagine some people are in the Delta lounge?
These tents aren't big. Just yelling at a desk agent. If I don't get free drinks on the next flight, I'm going to fucking lose it. Right. This is so terrible. This is terrible. This is terrible. Okay, all joking aside. All joking aside. Honestly, it's awful. But this is what's so awful is they have to sit in a room and cry and yell. Well, this is what I don't understand. It's terrible.
Well, if you do it too many times, you can't blame the writers. At some point, you can't blame the writers. Oh, interesting. So if you do it little, you can blame the writers.
Yes, sue. I would be with a lawyer. But this is an American culture. This is what he was asking you.
God bless the dead in Korea, because this is tragic and awful.
Now we go back to pudding. By the way, can you Google how many in the last two months, I'm not kidding, the amount of air crashes and stuff that's going on?
You do it less, you blame them. You do it more, it's you. You did it. Right. We saw her do it. We did Ice House store. She went to the improv, the factory.
Oh, you're going to Jeju? Yeah, at the airport. Both of the two December 2024 crashes happened when landing. Both of them were landing gear issues. Oh, my God. And they both happened in December.
I've done two touch and goes. You know, you have to touch and take back off. I did that in Vegas, and that was one of the worst fucking, because if the heat is too high in Vegas, right, if it's like over 100 and something, it's really hard for him to land.
So he's landing in the wind, and it's crazy, and he goes all the way down, and we touch, and then we go right back up, and immediately everyone's on their phone. See ya. Bye. Love ya. Right. This is it. This is definitely how it goes. Circle around. We did it again. I fucking hated it. I hated so much landing.
Yeah. I say root for them till the end. Oh, root for them. Root.
Yeah. It was more this year than other years? Is that what it says? Wow.
What do you think is going to happen tomorrow? Tomorrow's a big day for white supremacy. What's tomorrow? Come on, dude. Jan 6. J6? We're back, baby.
Trump really is the quarterback. He's the quarterback.
When you go to Vegas, do you gamble too or no? Yeah, baccarat. You are Asian. I play Baccarat. That's Asian game. Haiyan. You Mahjong? I don't do that. I do Baccarat.
There's something beautiful. That's very beautiful. You're telling me Diplo can't do anything with that? Make a beat. Throw a beat on that. Hey, where's John Summit?
You know? This is like all my uncles. Yeah, that's everyone I grew up with. That's all my uncles.
Dude, we got inside the fucking offices, dude.
I mean, he's got... What is he on? Is he on an app? He's recording right now? He was one of those guys. He's on TikTok Live. Yeah.
Is that a sword? Let's keep that thang on you. What has he got? I'm more interested. Look at the desk. I want to see what's on the desk. A little bit of Purell, an old Yeti cup.
Bobby doesn't gamble. But you know what's so fun? Well, you gamble in life, I guess, less so than on a table.
You're having a good time with your buddies.
I think it's going to be the polar.
Yeah, yeah. I think I'll go. How come we didn't get invited? Well, we don't get invited to stuff. Oh, yeah, that, yeah. I got invited to like a, J.D. Vance has like a listening party for an album he's putting out. And I might want to go to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah, it's fine. I mean, it was unofficial, but it was a paperless post that was sent to my email.
But you're also an addict. You can't get trapped.
I think the security is going to be unbelievable through the roof. It's just going to be, there's no way.
A guy drove a truck through the middle of Bourbon Street. Dude, people go wild.
So far from that. Can I get one? So far from that.
Like you think a Medal of Honor or like a... Ellen got one. Who? Ellen DeGeneres. For what? I don't know, but she got one.
I know. It's not going to rub off.
What? How hard was this for him to clasp? Right. With both of them shaken?
Well, you hear those rumors. You hear those rumors of comics, and I'm not speaking ill of the dead because he's the best, but I heard stories that Norm would make them give him a check to the casino to play out. Wow. You know, like instead of pay me, just pay me in chips or whatever. Pay me in chips. I don't know if that's a true story, but I love the idea that he was like, just put it downstairs.
We would need to set you up. Like, we would need to have an.
What do you think about your... What do you think about those guys have an army hammer on, on YMH? We were talking about having him on here.
Do you know that? He's got his own show now. Somebody told me he has a podcast. He does. That's why he's doing it. Here's the thing about Armie Hammer, though. Isn't he just a hot, boring actor at the end of the day? But it's interesting they had him on because they have no connection to him whatsoever. It's a strange start for a podcast tour. To start on YMH.
You guys are crazy. When everybody says it, it pisses me off. He's a fucking hammer. He's a fucking hammer. Oh, he has money. Do you know about the Hammer Museum in Los Angeles?
Not when you're this close. It's his great-grandfather, right? Give me the Wikipedia on the fucking guy. It's his great-grandfather that started the foundation and all this shit.
Zsa Zsa didn't make a lot of paper, my friend. Oh, that's all right. This is entrepreneur-industrialist Armand Hammer. It sounds like they have money, right?
And that's his grandfather or his great-grandfather.
Yeah, look, dude. This is generational fucking wealth.
Like, if you think that guy didn't set the standard.
It just said, it said Lennon called him. Go back up on his picture there. It said, Lennon's chosen capitalist by the press. I like that. Close ties to the Soviet Union.
they get it they're having fun with them i think it's smart it's wild it's wild we're living in such a crazy is that his grandfather make sure that that's his granddad or his great-granddad i don't know which one it is it's just a strange it's like we are living in see upside down in a weird way it's unscripted it's so crazy yeah it's we're we're we are the wildest reality show we've ever lived it's his great-grandson yeah michael armen hammer arm on hammer yeah
Supposedly he was having financial issues. Maybe that is untrue. I just don't buy that. I think you're probably right. Generational wealth. Whenever you meet someone with generational wealth, and you do occasionally come across people where you're like, oh, my dad is a blah, blah, blah, whoever. Right. They can't run out. They can't run out. Generation. You can run out if you just got rich.
He's never looked bad. Right. Look at this. Army's grandfather was accused of killing a man in 1955 and sexual abuse by his daughter. He's got a good lineage.
That's insane. Wait, his great-grandfather was convicted of manslaughter in 1919. These guys are killers.
Yeah, but that was my point. He's not generationally wealthy. Spacey's rich. Yeah, but he made a lot of money. This guy, not like the fucking hammer, not like the Lennon's favorite capitalist.
I agree with that, but also, dude, new rich is different than generational wealth. You know, dude, the difference is... We're all new rich, right?
Correct. That's the kind of money we're talking about. If you have a fucking building on Wilshire and an art museum, you're fucking fine. They're fine. But Spacey, I bet you he lost a lot of all the shit that he had, I imagine.
This guy's living in a three-bed, three-bath.
There's levels to this. He was ordered to pay $31 million.
Oh, wait a minute. He let her say, ordered to pay $31 million by a production company. Look at the end. He later settled the case for a million. That's it, a million. He's got fucking plenty.
No, his problem was, look, his monthly mortgage was 20 grand.
I love Joe, Shane, and Tony. I love three people. No, there's people that are great. I love three people. I just don't feel like moving there. And Tom and Christina. They want everyone to move there. It's so weird. It's culty. It's like, I don't want to move.
Me, you, Bobby, Whitney. We don't have a choice. We have to stay here. Absolutely. By the way, if we pull out the final Jenga blocks. Forget it. We're fucked. Forget it. It has to be us. It has to be Burr and Sebastian.
He is a quiet but endearing guy. No, he's a very sweet guy.
it's quick in and out he is very much this is why he's so successful amongst his talent but like a few guys like this they're all fucking business that's why he's so good at what he does we go in there we fucking goof off we're all over the place I'm a fucking loser dude why are we like that I want to be business I want to get a medal of honor you're never going to get one
He always likes to do 15 more minutes in case.
No, he'll do that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done that to everyone, though. He does it to Shane. Yeah. I mean. Hardy, har, har, har. I hate it. I don't know. He likes to fucking snap.
Yeah. I couldn't sleep the night before. Yeah, but think about it. That's what people felt like when they did Tonight Show. When they went on Carson, they were so nervous. It's because the weight of the show is so heavy. It's my Golden Globes. That is my Golden Globes.
One day, though, we are going to get you, forget the Medal of Freedom. I want a Heisman.
That's the song, hang the Emmy on the old Chinese.
You will, but you will, you will get your comeuppance. Let me say something to you guys.
That's beautiful. By the way, next week, what is it? No, this week, we're shooting a pilot. It's amazing. A game show. We financed it. We created it. We did everything. We're doing it on our own. That's the only way to do it now. Yeah, we're excited. It's like... In the way that Eric Andre's show is an R-rated talk show or an adult talk show. This is an R-rated game show. Game show, yeah. Perfect.
With celebrities. Amazing. It's so much fucking fun. That's what we're looking forward to because now, he jokingly says, I don't work. We've toyed in the business. Yeah. Every time we get into the business, it's just kind of like, fuck, we'll just make our own shit. It just gets so hard to make.
You know, you are at this stage. You are in you are in the bar culture. You're the you're like the waiting to see what's left over at the end of the night. They've got you as the reserve side.
Right, and your last resort pussy.
Good luck with that. Yeah. And then finally the agent goes, you go, I guess, are we not doing that? A week later, and they go, I don't know what's going on over there. Can I send you something else?
Dude, that's the fucking worst. I don't even think you wanted that. You know what? Agents are so fucking spineless. You'll go, you'll go, you know, I don't know. I don't even know if I like that project. And they'll go, yeah, that thing fucking sucks. If you call them the next morning and go, I kind of really kind of want to be a part of that. They'll go, it is pretty good.
I think we should get you in there. They'll flip-flop.
Well, you know, we've learned their talents. Selling Sunset, yeah. We're all on Selling Sunset.
If they don't already want me, it's fine. I can't do that anymore. I don't want them to have to pretend that they give a shit about you. Right. So if they're like... you're not really our style. It's like, I'd rather that than be like, yeah, send in a fucking tape.
That's time to walk. That's when I get real nervous. I go to lunch and I think the whole time by myself. Scared. They don't like me, do they?
That day is gone, by the way. That day is gone. And you'll see that in the Golden Globes tonight, I'm sure. You think so? Those days are dead. You don't have the power you used to have.
It opens at the whiskey. He's just drinking at the bar. Yeah.
Oh, that's Johnny Depp's daughter.
They kind of want to be a vampire. We all kind of live in a vampiric world. It's just what it is. Walk down Melrose. Everyone looks like a bunch of vampires. You know my favorite Willem Dafoe scene, by the way? I don't know if you can find it. It's the Boondock Saints. Is that Boondock Saints where he's snuggling in bed with that guy? Is that Boondock Saints? I like Boondock Saints.
Tell me that's wrong. Wasn't he in that movie? It is, right? And he's snuggling in bed with that boyfriend? Yeah. That's like one of the funniest scenes of all time. Oh, it's never going to be up there. Yeah, he's cuddling. That's right, cuddling. He knows what it is. He goes, I thought you wanted to cuddle. Yeah, this is such a great scene.
No, no, no. Well, that's not what they were talking about.
Tim, that's terrible acting. Go ahead. What are you doing?
Cuddle? By the way, you and I need to remake this scene. Yeah, I want to see it. That's 100%.
That's bad acting. No, it's terrible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It started over real fast, though, just so I can see. That's you and I in bed.
Well, it's just a very, there's two different things. We're such different kind of guys. It's two different things. We're two different guys. Also, what are our jobs? You said we're working. What am I doing?
You don't think they were fighting for the Hollywood elites to get power back?
That's not even like a lift culturally.
He walks in and he wants them to go, Bobby Lee.
It's a whole thing. He doesn't create these relationships. It's kind of what I like, but we will walk into places together on the road, and his energy immediately gets us where we need to go.
They were Nate fans. They had a banner of him in the front lobby.
They just didn't want, they didn't care to host us is what they said. Oh. They didn't care. Wow. Which is, that's fine. At least we know where we stand with these people. That's interesting. Then there's places we go that are very, we call and say, hey, the show gets out late. They suck our dicks. Is there any way we can pay you to keep it open? Because we'll bring a crew of people.
There are restaurants where I'm treated nice.
Ocean Prime loves you. Ocean Prime loves me. He's VIP there. I love an Ocean Prime. I've never been to Ocean Prime. You go with this guy, you treat him like a royalty.
No. No, they do, though. No, they want me there because I'm not going to eat that much. Yeah, me too.
That's right. They've made peace with her.
I'm sorry about that. Bobby's got a confidence now that I'm in love with because the Ozempic, I'm sorry, the other one, whatever it's called, Wegovy, has kicked in. He's lost a significant amount of weight. His confidence is through the roof. The dating pool has expanded. He's got this vibe to him of like a kind of, he's a little bit into like a high school bully again.
Let me tell you something about Asians.
If there's a locker nearby, he will throw someone in it.
That's a side effect of Wagovi. Yeah, it's a side effect. I'm sorry. You get delusions of grandeur. A side effect of Wagovi is just abusing people in the streets. He did have some bad side effects on the first one. Yeah. Ozempic. He threw up for like four days straight. It was gnarly. It was unbelievable. We have footage of it. It's like the shot. We're doing a promo.
We were shooting a promo. For Ozempic. For vomiting. For tour. And legitimately, he threw up for like an entire 30 to 40 seconds straight.
It was a great show. I loved it. It was a great show. You didn't watch it. Yeah.
You know what we both watched together that we liked that we want to talk about?
We both separately went to the theater to go watch Bob Dylan, A Complete Unknown. I'm sorry.
Interesting. That's right. Which kind told you?
Yeah. He's fantastic. She's good. Monica Barbaro. Joan Baez. Monica, is that her name? Yeah. She's fantastic. The movie's great. It's just, you just give the kid credit because he did it. I can't believe he did it.
I have a reversal of that. I have one that she was not even a regular. She was trying to make her a regular. They kind of lied to her. And she didn't have a lot of airtime on I'm Dying Up Here show. And afterwards, she fucking exploded. She's on that Ginny and Georgia show. Brianne Howey is her name. Huge. So she's huge. She was a waitress on our show. Barely featured.
That's what I thought. That was the right kind. That is true.
She's so good. But that's a story where you're like, wow, she flipped the, she was so downtrodden from the show, not putting her on the air. And then afterwards I thought, I wonder how she's doing. And you know, 80 million followers on Instagram.
I believe that. Tim, Tim, Tim. Who else were you on camera with that could fall, potentially?
Okay, I gotta tell you guys something, man. Uh-oh.
And we've all been there. Yeah. Well, not there.
destroyed by a motorola razor yeah it's a throwback then tosh had that similar thing that was kind of around that too he had the the rape joke yeah oh yeah yeah but that was it but again this is like embedded in his comedy set that's true doesn't matter in a workout show and tosh had the chops it was different of course but that doesn't matter to him anyway that's like a what does he give a shit
A joke on a ride is meaningless. No, that's nothing. Especially nowadays, too. We're all throwing so much stuff out there now that it just doesn't really land.
Yeah, but I think it's going to change. Something's coming. I said that to a friend the other day. I was like, something's changing, I think. Yeah, there's a fatigue. Yeah, I think people are just tired of like a billion clips and a billion crowd work clips. And I think people have seen so much now that they're checked out. I don't know what the next revolution will be, but...
You were on Curb. I did an episode of Curb. Yeah, I did one episode of Curb, but it was amazing for me. It was like... Mocha Joe. I was teed up to win. Yeah, Mocha Joe's episode. I was teed up to win pretty hard. I will be honest. Like I went in there... you know, with so much ammunition because the casting director is the first, is the person that put me in my very first thing too. Wow.
She supported me a lot in my career. So she was great. She was like, this is for you to lose. All you have to do is go in and, and be yourself. Like don't screw yourself. And I knew her in the room was Larry and, One of the writers, the casting director, and then at the time, her associate, I don't even know what to call him, but he's now at Netflix, which is great. He's now moved on too.
So it was a room full of people that's like, I'm bound to win because it's just Larry's the only guy I'm trying to impress. And this is the audition. Yeah, this is the audition. And they give you a character breakdown. There's no scene. They just tell you what the details of the character are. Wow.
this one was i actually originally auditioned for the guy whose um dog was adolf did you oh yeah remember that yeah his dog's name was adolf and you know and there's like that's a particular that's an interesting name so i auditioned for that and uh i played it up and then larry was is that when he says hail hitler yeah so good he so i played it up a little bit as the character and did like a little bit of a german accent for him and he liked it i could tell i could tell he was interested and then um
she's like takes me in the hallway and she goes give it a second she goes talk to Larry she comes back out and she's like Larry Larry's says that you don't you don't look like one of these you're a redhead like you don't like this Aryan germ it's like it's not gonna work you don't fit the look and I was like fuck all right so I was ready to get in my car and she's like no no hold on hold one second she went back in
They talked for another three minutes. She comes back out and she's like, he wants you to do this other one. Will you try this other one? Whatever. Fucking fine. So she hands me the paper. I went out into the hallway. They took one more audition. And then I was like, I'm ready. I can go now. She's like, you don't want any more time to prepare? And I was like, no, no, no. I'll do this.
So it was the guy that invented the P-cube, the urinal where the door shuts. Yes. And I went in the room and I said...
I think off the bat, I did the bit, Larry and I were just improv-ing, and I did the bit where I was like, yeah, depending on your penis size, the door automatically sensors how big or small your cock is, and that depends on how the urinal shifts up and down, and it'll go, doo-doo-doo, small penis detected, and it'll move down.
And Larry started chuckling a little bit, and so I just went in harder on this bit. I was like, oh, and then, not only recognize the length of your penis, but the girth may matter. So I just kept going on and on, and then he broke, like,
two times maybe like just laughing out loud and then halfway through he was like get out of here get the get out of here get the it was great he was laughing and he was like get the out of here you're get out of here you're good get out of here oh that's incredible i called my i called my wife on the way home and i was like look dude if all the i've done hundreds of auditions i was like there's no way that i didn't get that because it was so fun i was like they'll throw me in something yeah
Needles, a bump. This is like, this genuinely is like as if somebody put, if I went to New York and they're like, yeah, we got you a great place out in Long Island. That's what this is like.
Cause he was having a good time. It was like, even if they put me in the background as like a one, I didn't care.
And then they called me later that day and they were like, yeah, Larry wants you to do that bit. So it was great. And on the day it was a joke for me because JB walked, he came on set and saw me and was like, Oh,
And he wasn't even in the scene. He put himself in the scene. Whoa. Larry and Larry, you could tell was like, just get out for this one. Just get out. Their relationship is so exactly the show. It's amazing. He's like, he's like, come on, come on, get out, please get out. And JB wanted to keep inserting. So he just kind of got in the scene and it made it even better. And then Jeff was there.
So it was like, he knew me from standup. It was, it just felt comfortable. So that's great. I didn't have the fear, but in the morning I was tripped out. I was like, fuck, dude, I got to be so good in front of Larry. And there's no script. No. And I was just nervous because you don't want to over improv with him. I was like, I don't want him to be like, stop it. I don't want that. Right.
Of him being like, dude, calm down. You're doing way too much. So in the morning I was nervous as shit. But then once I got there and saw JB, I was like, we're good. Yeah. It just broke me open. Then I didn't care. And Larry was really playful and such a rad dude. I don't know if he had a bad experience, dude, but he's...
Yeah, but they want you to.
Right. The scene is very funny. They wanted me to be dead serious about the, about the bit. He was like, right. It's your job. Got it. He kept saying that too. At the, at the, on the day he was like, this is your job. He's like, you are a, so I was a little like, he was like, well, why can't we do that? And I would have to have lines and moments where I'm like, well, that's illogical, dude.
So I don't know if you know how to build toilets. Cause you don't. And I do. Do you want me to do my job or not? And that makes Larry get into his second, which inherently is going to be funny.
So they don't want you to try to like get a zinger, but they want you to like layer in enough real world comedy where it's, you know, you're giving him the... That, you know, you're giving him the like, what the fuck? Yeah. That's what he wants. So if you can give him those layups, then he wins. He wants pushback. Yeah. He wants like an annoyance. He wants conflict in every single scene. Yeah.
And that's the best part about that guy. That's why his comedy is, it's so simple and yet so particular. Yes. It's a simple scene, but it's extremely dynamic because you're like, this would annoy anybody. And I see why this pisses him off. Right. Right. And then he's going to take it out on other characters and they're going to be like, what is your fucking problem? Yes, exactly. He's not wrong.
That's the best part about all that.
He was the man, dude. I found, you know, that was like the I got paid, you know, like a daily rate. We get like no money to do those. Like it's literally like a minimum. And those are ones where I'm like, I'll pay you. Yeah, I would have 100 percent pay them to be on that show. I said the same thing to FX.
about let's edit this out because we're already heading this way in show business yeah yeah yeah no i know i know well i said the same thing to fx back in the day about baskets i said i'll pay i'll i was like i'll drive to bakersfield and i'll pay to be up there i'll pay for my hotel yeah i wanted to be on the show what is curb the coolest guest spot you did it by by far what else was really arrested was awesome
Whoa. Just me and Bateman had a scene together, which was great. I forgot about that. Yeah, it was pretty cool. That was a cool moment. Super nervous for that too, because Jason's, you know, he's really good. Man, you got a resume. Really smart and quiet. Yeah, he's, that was, those are by far the coolest ones I've, I mean, yeah. Arrested and Curb probably. Curb for me is it.
There's a little walking strip for him down there. Down by Staples. There's a little boys town. Did you go by Staples? Or what is it called now? Kobe Center? Crypto. Oh, shit.
That was all I wanted. I wanted to do Curb once before they stopped. Of course. And now they're done. You auditioned? Oh, it's self-tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got to be in front. You got to be in front of them.
Come on, you look Jewish. Yeah, I'll take it. You are. Honestly, it's enough of this mask. Just say you're Jewish. Why does this lie? He's appropriating our culture a bit. Yeah, it's getting worse and worse over time.
That doesn't help the industry plant part of this whole thing, does it? That just gives conspiracy theorists more firepower. And the stealing money. Right.
I can't believe people bid on that too, on her Bitcoin thing. People are dumb. You guys don't have any of that shit. Crypto?
Anybody in the financial sector is a thief, dude. These guys are all taking your money to make more money. And then they give you a little bit of money and you think, this is pretty good. It's like, yeah, dude, they're making real money. Exactly. You're the joke. You're the pawn, so they can just take your money to go play with it.
It's right down the street. Damn. Wow, it is. No, this is really nice. No, downtown's gotten nicer, but we still refuse to go down here. There's nothing here for us.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's so dumb. And the vagueness of that is why they're getting away with it, because no one's really paying attention. Exactly. You really don't know the ins and outs. I didn't get in it because I was like... I just don't.
It's great now that, you know, like for years people were like, you can't touch it, the NFTs. So it's not real. And now that people are hating on AI, it makes it even less valuable, which I think is good because everybody hates AI now. Like all these digital and graphic artists, they're so mad AI is becoming like a real thing. That's true. They're fighting back. So if you own AI...
It's going to make people even more disinterested in it because it's like, well, it's already a shitty part of our culture. You're just ripping away art from artists. So then there's not going to be any validity to it because no one will want to invest in it. It's only worth it if somebody buys it.
We have those all over the place now. Those are fucking weird. I've never gotten one, but I see them all over West Hollywood. They're big. Yes. Not picked by me. I'm out in the suburbs. You don't see any of that.
It's sketchy as hell. It's kind of cool, though.
Yeah. Well, the food's always cold anyway. See? It's always going to be cold. Even if it comes in a guy's car, he delivered seven other meals. Your food's going to be cold.
A hobo should be all over that. Yeah.
That's right. You'd be a good homeless guy. You'd figure it out fast. I can't wait. You'd figure it out so fast. It's coming. No, it's not, dude. You're so far away from that. What do you mean? Didn't you just get a new place? I did.
Oh, it's happening down here?
Wait, I thought you were in the city. No?
Three minutes away. Smart. Smart for Netflix. Good for Netflix, dude. Good to be here, boys. The jokes were good last night. Thank you. I love working on them. Dude, it's funny to watch you guys go through it and then have you smack each other when you're like, see, that did work. Yeah.
Yeah, Brooklyn's great. Good for you. You're still in the heart. I'm in the heart. I was in your building without your knowledge. I know. I wish you were snooping around. What a rooftop.
What a rooftop this guy's got. Have you been there?
He's got a big movie theater. I'm looking city-like, but it doesn't feel like the city.
Right, right, right. Yeah, no, that does feel different. It's not like you're not slumming it anymore.
And you don't have to, man. You boys deserve it. It's good to see people on the come up. But the fall is coming. It's coming.
Yeah, the fall is coming.
Tuesday, baby. Oh, yeah. Didn't love being that friend, but you know. Yeah. I always say to young people when they all want to get their own place, I'm like, dude, go as long as you can living with friends. Because it's fun. It's cheaper. You'll never have that experience. Once that experience is gone and you live alone, you don't ever get that.
At some point, you're going to hate it anyway. But it's at least like it's worth the camaraderie of coming home and seeing what people are up to.
Because you're like, what are you guys getting into?
Yeah, because you don't... Home stinks anyway. Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, I agree. There was a dude on the internet, one of these... I see him a lot pop up with the glasses, bald dude. He's like a life coach type of person, whatever. But he's not... He's not like young, buff, hot life coach. He's not like, get your fucking shit together. He's not like that.
He just gives like really cool pieces of wisdom. And the one thing he said is like, I say this to every young person is, do not be at home. Be at home for bed and that's it. He's like, be out. I love that. Meet people, go out, get involved, get activities, all this stuff. I agree because I lived all of my 20s, dude. I was never around. We were just doing something. Same, same. Always on the move.
Doing spots, going somewhere, going to hang out with groups of people. Now in my 40s, dude, I'm home.
yeah it's over i never leave the house now and think about the comfort we need now like back in the day i'd ride back row middle seat cross country on a flight yeah now like i gotta get in that lounge no dude i would have stood if they offered it if they were like standing room only i'd have been like i'll pay for that 100 back in the day i didn't care it didn't even remotely bother me no we were tanks it was a young man's game your body bounces back differently too oh yeah you could take red eyes you could eat red eyes were red eyes were great yeah it was fine are you
Oh, you go back to New York? Yeah. Red Eye in New York is a – I hate it. Nightmare. I hate it. I hate it so – dude, that's like – I've had to do it a few times, you know, when someone's like, we need you in the morning, so you have to leave like tonight. Yep. I hate it. Your whole day is fucked. It never works. You can't function.
But it is funny that you were like certain jokes. See, I have no back on this. I'm like going to fall in this window. Can I scoot this thing over or no? Is it out of frame?
The IV thing is the new revolution. I got an IV with Chappelle. It's so douchey, but it does help. Wow. It was great, dude. It was awesome. Where did you went with Chappelle? I was at, we went to, Bobby and I went to Yellow Springs. Oh, cool. Crazy story.
This is very, um... Save it, save it.
Awesome. It was incredible. Did it just open? I think this is like the fifth or sixth month. Oh, wow. But it's not like comics come in for the weekend. You know, it's like he just does shows whenever he wants to do shows. Right. That's cool.
okay it was great dude dave invited us out there and we did like a little thing for um his wife's brother had had uh passed and it was like a celebration oh wow and i guess he was a fan of bob and i show like like bad friends yeah it was kind of cool and then dave was like would you come perform and
Brutal. Tears in heaven. Depends on what you're shopping for. If you're really having a low... We'll wait. We'll wait. Hold on. Sorry. I had to move, but I had to have a back because otherwise I'm going to fall backwards through the... Still better than when you hear a whap at the dentist. No, I love that. That gets me ready for a teeth cleaning, too.
we flew out there and Dave was so gracious showed us around and I don't know man he's the king I can't say enough good so it sounds like I'm kissing his ass but like honestly was so rad took us around and we hung out at the like the lounge with him and Donnell came by which was great and yeah Talib Kweli it was like it was awesome man crazy and then the venue was it's it's unbelievable it's kind of intimate right
I would say it's probably like VU size in terms of crowd numbers. It's probably what, because VU is almost 300. Sounds about right. Like maybe 275. It's in an old firehouse. And it's cool. It's like a great, it's, it's, I don't know, man, it's, it's wonderful. And they're so stoked that you're there. It's in the middle of nowhere.
Dayton's I think the closest city. Got it. But dude, it's, you know, he was, does it fill up? Oh, I mean, it's sold out. It sells out like, yeah, 275 is going to sell out. It sells out so fast.
Oh yeah. He was, he was hyping us up too. He's so, he's, it's so funny. He's still a comic. Yeah. And he was like, man, he's like, y'all sold out so fast.
to make you feel good you know what I mean where you're like well it's you so it's Chappelle's club right you guys you and Bobby yeah but I mean fuck us it's like it's his club like he could put up the ticket and be like I might not even show up people will go to that club it's him so like it was nice of him but I was also like yeah it's to see Dave Chappelle's home what's the green room like
fucking unreal tequila probably the best green room come on really there's two of them well there's an upstairs just for comedians and then there's a downstairs that's like a private bar for family and friends and comics wow what's in the green room what are we that's perfect everything name it whatever you need i mean like a beautiful lounge uh tv for if you're you know sports or anything is on a full bar anything you want dude it's it's it's like they run that place it's like a four seasons hotel i mean it's incredible
It's top of the line.
That's right. That is very LA.
Yeah, yeah. He does that. He loves that. He can't do that in New York. He doesn't bring the dog. No way. No, the store is very... Because what I love about the store is that we do have a history of like...
wackadoos and weirdos and that place was always weird man we were like we were like home to chaos you know like don barris's late night shows and the ding dong show and you know every year i don't know if he's doing it anymore but when i was coming up um bob zamuda whoa would perform every year for a holiday show he'd do like a week in the main room Wow.
That was Andy Kaufman's writer, assistant guy. Right, right. If you know about the history of Kaufman and the relationship between the character he played, Zamuda was like his best friend who would play the character of Tony Clifton. I know this is inside baseball, but Tony would perform at the store during the holidays and Zamuda was doing it for a long time. But we welcomed chaos like that.
like it was like that's the store was like home to really kind of like uh it's got a circusy freak show freak show vibe yeah yeah it's a freak show vibe where the seller is way more business comedy business comedy business yeah the store was like anything can go that's kind of why i love i love it man it's like a fucking slaughterhouse now just four rooms every room you're just like you know on top of each other it's crazy it's it's well i mean i i'm it's great
And comedy is changing so fast, too. So, everything is so different now. But it's a good thing, I guess. Like, I see a lot of young people now that I'm – it's nice to watch, like, new comics that I'm like, damn. Yeah. They're good. Whoever that is is really good. It's cool to watch people.
um who did i see that i saw that was really i mean a lot of people that i saw in the lineup i knew i mean i always give props anytime i see ryan hamilton he's not new obviously but yeah i love that guy killer i just love watching him his rhythm is wonderful he's great so against the tides like if the night was very like high energy you know and he goes up there and he like brings it at his level and he crushes
I love that guy. I think he's one of the best writer performers in his own space that like doesn't, he does not compromise. He's him all the time. He doesn't change his tone because the room is different. He recently got hit by a bus. I don't know if you heard about that. That made him better.
It's so good. Listen up, young comics. Walk against traffic if you're looking for a new 15. He's great. But, I mean, there was a lot. I mean, I saw a lot of people that I was followed. I told you guys this last night. Louie and Rock followed me like three shows in a row. Woo! Which was crazy because I was waiting for them to be like, hey, those guys are going to slide in front of you.
See, I've always been this way. I'm not like the comic. I don't sleep in until 2 or 3 p.m. Really? I don't do it. No. I don't know why. I get up at like 7.30 every day. Wow. Really?
And I was like, yeah, whatever. But they didn't. But then Louis stood and watched. Redhead love. Redhead love, baby. Yeah. His first line out of his mouth on the show at the bar or at the lounge, he goes, I used to look like that.
That's great, dude. Burr used to do that to me a lot. Burr would be like, that's it, yeah. I had hair. You're going to replace me. When I was his age, I had hair. You're only here to replace me. Yeah. Yeah, you're coming. He's coming for my job. No one's coming for your job, dude. You're fine. Yeah, Burr would do that a lot.
But then Louie and Rock were back-to-back, so I just stood and watched those guys do their thing, too. Amazing. Awesome to watch, dude.
Yeah, I saw just the monologue. I didn't see the sketches.
Yeah, I don't really see the sketches anymore. I like weekend updates, though. Yeah, that's good, too. I always like those because they let people do a bit or a character.
Dude, I love her. She cracks me up. She's so funny, man, because they let her fly. It's like they're not trying to put her in this... They're like, just do whatever weird shit you're going to do. She's like wacky and fun. It reminds me of the way they used to let Sandberg and those boys go off. When they would do a bit sometimes where you're like, this is not hitting, but it's great.
It's great because it's so weird and often kind of wrong and bad. You're like, who cares? At least they're trying.
That scares me. When people can keep that high energy act up, even when the crowd isn't enjoying it. I don't know.
Well, I'm not talking any shit, but I remember back in the day watching Sebastian. Whoa. Because Sebastian is very like animated and he's very like it's characterized. Sure. And he would do that even if the room wasn't packed out. You know what I mean? Like if it was a workout night, he'd committed. He still would commit to that character, which is you got to be in on that character.
You know what I mean? Because he's very... There it is. Thank God, dude. I was something to break this up. Wow. No, he's the man, but he would do the same thing. I was always like, that's fucking wild to be able to do that.
You ever been to one of these hotels they don't let you fart at?
Turkey sausage cup.
maybe you are jewish dude yeah he might be you have crones crones is coming no no i got an iron stomach i mean i get it all out the gas chamber there's indian comics who do the black voice i think norman's doing the jew voice yeah you are that's good you're jew facing stop jew facing dude we're getting sick of it dude we don't like it we talk about it there's a whole community about it oh my body's a temple
It's over. It's good for the organs. Dude, I'm 41 years old. I'm not trying to be cool anymore. I'm done. I play with my dog. I go on the cold plunge. I play with my dog in the morning. How cold do you make it? So, it's set at 40... Anywhere from 46 to 49, I think, is the highest. It's not that bad. No. When it's 42 is my like... Right above 40 is like... That's when it gets you.
Say something Jewish quick. Quick, quick, quick. My back. Oh, fuck.
My back. Dude, maybe I am Jewish. My back's hurt. You're welcome for the weather. How bad is your back? Awful, dude. It sucks. What happened? Sports? Years ago, a sports injury, and then it keeps coming back. I just can't get rid of it. Well, initially I heard it playing basketball. And then when I was running, I re-injured it on like a long distance eight mile run.
I re-injured it coming off of a fucking curb. It was just in dusk at night and I didn't see the curb drop was bigger than a normal curb drop. So my body just wasn't looking down. It was looking forward. All my weight went to one side and I was like, holy fuck.
Oh, God, why can't I think the name of the room? Comedy... Good Nights? Good Nights. Good Nights. I was at Good Nights, and there was a YMCA right down the block. And I was like, I kind of want to go work out, but then maybe shoot around, because I know there's always courts at YMCA. So I go, I lift a little bit, and then I go down there, and I'm just shooting by myself.
And this young kid is like, hey, hey, yo, you want to play? Uh-oh. And I was like, no, man, I'm all right. And he's like, come on, man. Come on, come on, come on. We need one of the... So I was like, okay, so I'll just go fill space. I was like, I'll just pass.
Dude, I go over there. I'm like, I kind of evolved into this young, like, 19-year-old, like, just jacked black kid just gets up. And I don't even jump. I just kind of get out of the way. You know what I mean? And then they're all like, oh, oh, he dunked on your ass. He dunked on your ass. And I was like, dude, I got a whole life outside of this. I don't give a fuck.
This means nothing to me. Whatever you think I feel, I do not. I promise you, it's not happening. I couldn't care less. I was thinking about a cup of coffee I wanted to have. Yeah, exactly.
No, I was just making fun of you.
yeah of course i just don't want to be on stage injured for a show when someone's like what happened like those jujitsu guys who like have cauliflower ear and then just do stand-up oh yeah that sucks you're in pain yeah yeah yeah also it's the weirdest looking shit just where i would be the pussy that wears the ear caps or whatever fuck it dude i'm not making these things are already big i don't need them any bigger right i feel like our ears get bigger as dudes i don't know why they do i think they do ears and schnozzes yeah they never stop sorry dude
Your dick disappears. It's in my body. It's cool to see how small your dick can get. It's amazing. I already know. I don't need the plunge. If I was going to get into a fight in this day and age, I'd want to get into a cold plunge first. Get your dick close to your body. My dick looks like a puppy's tail.
The dick done changed, though. No, but you already have nice cocks. He's fine. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. Don't they? Isn't that one of the rumors? I don't think so. Is he? Oh, huge. It's skinny and long and skinny. Yeah, it's long and skinny. It's like him. Yeah, I guess.
Trust me, him and I go to the spa together. I've seen. I've seen. I've been down that road. Big bag. Big bag.
Which is funny. I never wanted big balls. Who would? Big balls is a thing that's very strange.
In the way, too. It's too much. It's already out there. Right. You sit on them, bike riding. It's a target. Forget it.
Are you pissing on your balls? Are they ricocheting?
I got a tight bag. Mine's still pretty tight.
Do they? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Stamp Hermes on it. Women like a nice, tight, pricey bag. Nice clutch. Yeah, put the chain on it.
And Louis Vuitton on my nuts. In LA it would work. That's true. Probably nowhere else. This is where that culture is. Everybody here, everyone here tries to like outshine one another all the time. When you're young, you see it a lot. Everyone tries to like outdo each other. And then you see the older LA, which is like then nobody wants to outdo anybody.
Then everyone's quiet about their success in LA.
Like when you meet someone that's like very successful out here, They're usually quiet and humble about it. You wouldn't even know. You'd go to their house and you're like, holy shit.
That's why Sandler dresses like that. He's like, I'm chilling. I'm chilling. I'm chilling. I'm chilling. But he's always been that way too. Yeah, he never changed. Yeah. He's kind of the same. That's true. The same cat as when he was at the beginning. He's another great dude that I think is such an underrated stand-up. Oh, that's such an underrated D&D. The two specials are so fun.
Yeah, but I think people just know him as Sandler. They don't know. I think he's such a good stand-up.
Yeah, we do. In the way that we're embedded in people's ears because of podcasting. He was like the original podcast. Because the CDs were like podcasts. Oh, the CDs. I listened to those things a billion times.
Stan and Judy's Kid.
Yeah, I just had headphones on walking around listening to that album. It was so good. He made Jews likable.
Whose room is this?
Please. Save it, then. Zing.
Sandy Koufax, too. That's right. That was great that when he named athletes, I was like, oh, no shit.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, but we knew. But we knew. We knew. Even then as a kid, I was like, something's different about these three guys. These aren't Irish pricks like from my neighborhood.
I was waiting for it and I thought, what is it going to be? What's the third? To Kvetch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did, Sandler did a thing though that made being...
immature but still funny like okay for adults yes because it's silly it can still be silly like i like the whimsy of that he's still being goofy and silly opera man a lot of times guys get older they just take themselves so serious they start taking stuff really serious and then you lose all that like
I'm not going to name names, but there's guys that we know that they got older and it's almost like, where's the fucking whimsy, man? Where's the taking yourself not serious and shitting on the wild weird stuff? I think that's where comedy starts to die when you get too old and you're like, I don't want to. Right. Like when Carlin was at the end, he was so fucking angry. Right.
right the last special is good it's bad for you had good shit it was the second last one where i was like ah this is this kind of rough the life it was just it was just kind of like so disenfranchised with the world and you're like i don't know i still kind of like some of it like he hated everything and you're like all right all right i liked it when he had it because when he was young he was filled with like wacky whimsy weird that's what i loved about him why don't mice have shoulders yeah what the fuck that's so great like that's such a good bit yeah
i think that's what you if you lose that in comedy i think you're that's why when with bob and i that's what i love about the show the most is that it's childish it's so immature and childish and it's my favorite time every time we shoot the show it's fun because it's going to be goofy and yes stupid it's stupid it's an escape for people too the world's all wacky and then you watch that and you're like ah
Oh, dude, because I know because when all this Trump stuff on the podcast was going down there, they hit you up. No, no, no, no. None of the politicians wanted to come on bad friends. It's actually interesting. No, no, because we don't do politics on our show because we don't ever play the game.
Well, what is what is what did this guy say? Fucking Republicans buy sneakers, too. Yeah. It's like the greatest line of all time. It's not wrong. Republicans buy sneakers too, man. They were like, make a stance. He's like, fuck that, dude. I'm trying to get rich. Yeah. No, we don't talk politics because I don't give a fuck and I don't care to. But also, we had a... It's everywhere.
It doesn't need to be... It's too much. That's the thing.
You want to tell us something? Sure. It was 81. You weren't touched as a kid, were you?
It's stupid. We had a... And this is not... Look, we had a conversation with someone about what if...
kamala was going to do a pod run because she did a couple of female podcasts yeah they were going to be like would you do a comedy pod with her not bad friends but you two hosts like a thing with her and i was like no absolutely not i mean no no fucking way dude i don't want any of that shit i would it's the same thing with trump i don't want him fucking on my show why i don't want them on our show it's funny that they're looking at comedians to humanize these people
Yeah, and I don't want to. These are, they're inhumane. These are all terrorists. They're all bad people. I don't want them on my show.
It's a waste. I just, we were not interested, man. And they said the same thing. They were like, well, what about Trump? I was like, no, dude, we don't want, these aren't our people. Why are we pretending that there are people? They're not. It's a good point. No, I'm not going to shill for these fucking politicians. No. So no way. Never.
But that's what, you know, that's what we were Bob and I talked about. Like when we do get offers for guests sometimes because we don't love guests anyway. Sometimes there are people that I'm like, oh, this is them just looking for a come up on our show. They don't like our show or know us or give a fuck about us.
Come on, tell me the truth.
Yeah, it's bullshit. But they all do that. You can tell that whenever these people go on those shows, not just politicians, but super famous big people, they've been slotted into a show. You're like, they don't fucking... Now you're just turning into The Tonight Show. You're just a guest on a couch.
And the host has to pretend like he loves you, and you have to pretend like you love him, even though it's like, we don't fucking know.
You never did cocaine, man, dude?
Yeah, because you had that house that's like the house of horror. You had like a haunted house of... Completely.
No, I never touched this stuff. I'll tell you who I did touch. Just a list of names of women. No, he got to play it up. It was, I mean, you know, but that's for, Theo is in that different atmosphere.
He's like a conversationalist.
Yeah. I mean, you know, he's plugged into the Hollywood pipeline now. Yeah, he is. Bob and I are slime. We're trash. Nobody really wants... Like, famous people are... We had Cena and Efron on because I did a movie with those guys, and they were cool about it, but... Whoa. I could tell that the PR people were losing their fucking mind in the room. Really?
Yeah, because John is super playful and doesn't care, and Cena doesn't... I mean, and Efron doesn't give a fuck either, but their room was filled with all their PR people. Oh, I hate that. And they were like...
very wide-eyed yeah and they're just taking notes gotta cut this well we didn't have to cut it yeah because the boys were like whatever you guys want in there because bobby's gonna be crazy yeah he's gonna ask john cena if he wants to see his asshole yes leave it in that's fucking funny man yeah and also those guys have senses of humor a lot of people just get bridled by these pr teams that think it's gonna hurt the the rep of the film it's like no it's not people want to see him be human exactly and that's why comedy's thriving because we don't have a fucking pr guy here right well he is right there that yeah he is well we'll shoot him
In the back, though. Turn around. That was cold, man. Why did you shoot him in the back? Just go look at his face. Shoot him in the front.
That's old Western rules, though. That's old gangster rules, too. You can't shoot someone in the back. That's cowardly. Shoot him in the front. This guy's not a gangster. Yes, he is. That's the most gangster shit on earth. He's a wop. To wait all night and then shoot somebody? That's a hitman. He's a dago. That's a hitman. It's not a gangster. That's a hitman, right. But who was the hit plan?
Who planned the hit? He did. Kaiser Permanente. Maybe they're fucking... And another health insurance company was like, go get them. Damn. That's your people.
I went to your city. I was just in New Orleans. Great city. Interesting.
Tough comedy city. comedy city i don't know why it's so weird how'd it go did you sell any tickets i did a little bit we chat we texted because i was like dude i can't sell your city for some reason like the whole tour is sold out and i couldn't i did fine i think i ended up like eight that's me thank you and i don't want to share with you not after what you did last night yeah
You're like, but you're a woman. It is funny how many women didn't vote for her. Oh, yeah. Crazy. They thought, man, the news was sure of it. They were like, it's going to be a landslide.
No, they didn't say that. They were like, wrong way. Well, dude, all the view and all these shows. Yeah, they did. They pushed it. That's a bubble. Well, you know what I mean? That's the problem with the media now is like they're so trapped in their brain. They weren't even we had one of these betting sites where you could bet on the election. They sponsored one of our shows.
And I was cool with it because it wasn't like aligned with a political party was just like bet on the election itself. I was like, that's rad. I think that's you bet on anything else.
I got clipped on, man. I should have done that. No, but they were like – they showed the polls on the insides of like what the betting numbers are like. They show them on the website. Yeah. But they show them live. It's crazy how many people bet on Trump. Like the disparity was massive. To lose. No, to win. To win. Oh, wow. Because the amount of people that were betting –
we're probably betting we're voting for trump anyway exactly so the numbers were so upside down it was kind of crazy wow but vegas is usually right vegas is right about sports okay they know something they know well they do i told you i bet on the under last night on the bears game and just snuck it out just snuck it i know how to get you too because i'll have a hot streak where i keep winning and then i just lose and lose and lose and like yeah it's planned it's perfect
The only thing they can't catch you on is if you're at a live table game. Because I'm a big Blackjack fan. So live table games, that's you. You can control the rhythm of that.
No, no, no, no. When I go to the casino. You can't do like FanDuel out here, can you? You have to go through other sites or you have to have a guy. Old school. You got a guy? Yeah, we all have a guy. Everyone's got a guy. You got a Luigi? No, Mario, his brother.
No, yeah, you got to have a little bit of guy. But you can play. There are companies you can play out here. It's just as a little roundabout way of doing it. Nice. It's not as direct as when you're in a fully legal state. But the irony is we have casinos out here. That's true.
Pornhub. Yeah. Yeah. What the hell? Just get a VPN, my guy. Ooh. I VPN my phone everywhere I go. It's a lot of work. No. What do you mean? It takes five seconds. You install it, turn it on and off. That's it. It's just an app. I can't sign in. Anything with signing in, I'm out. No, you didn't sign into the Pornhub because they want your license?
Oh, no. VPN, you put it on your phone once, and then that's it. Then all you have to do is click on or off. And here's the wild shit. They integrate it into your phone. So if I go to my settings, look. Is it free? See, it says VPN right there. Oh, wow. I can just turn it on or off wherever I am.
I did it initially so I could stream shit in a local channel if I was out and I wanted to watch. In Canada or something. Yeah. Or even if I was in another state and they're not going to show whatever game that I want to watch, then I can just VPN it and I can still get the local feed or whatever.
I think it was like 80 something, 89, 90%.
They're like, we don't have Pandora or Venmo. But they blocked it. A lot of them learned. Because I would set my VPN for Chicago. So it says where your set site is and where you really are. And I would set it for Chicago so I could watch Chicago local channels. Some of these streamers caught up. Damn. And they block you now because they know.
They're like, looks like you're out of your own whatever. Right, right. I know. You're like, you're not getting enough money from me already. Scam artist. We all thought we were going to save money. We're getting smoked by all these streamers. So true. Whatever. Who cares? Take it from me. I'm going to die anyway.
Netflix is not doing that good, huh? Yeah, good point.
No, but they don't care because like Apple is spending more money than ever, but they sell phones and Amazon is spending more money than ever on TV and film and they sell fucking paper towels. Yeah. These companies don't give a shit. That's the problem is they couldn't, they're like, no one wants the show. Who fucking cares, dude? They want to sell vacuums.
Dude, I'm on Hulu next year and you know, that same thing. I'm hoping it works because they're new to the comedy thing, to the standup world. I don't know.
Yeah, dude. It was so hard, but the crowd was great. So I was like, I don't know. I think the people that do come out really, really want to see comedy. Yeah. But I think it just doesn't have it embedded in the culture. No. There's not a comedy club. No, I know, but there's never have been. There has been, right?
I'm at the end of the year.
Yeah, I'm at the I don't maybe it's around September. So I don't know the exact like month. But I did say I was like, I don't want to be at the beginning of the year because they were like, how fast do you want to tape? I was like, not fast.
He's got a huge fan base. He's huge. He's also the fucking, that guy's a machine. He really is. He's a machine, dude. He's awesome. Clean and just prolific as hell. Great comment. When you get him one-on-one, too, he really does give you a different side of him. I don't know if you've sat with him.
He's a good egg.
Yeah, dude. He'll give you a little flick, dude. He'll grab my pussy. A little flick in the neck. Your zipper's undone a little bit. Leave it like that, though. I do want to maybe take a little sneak peek. There we go.
Yeah, you powder every day?
Oh, yeah. Swampy in December?
Where's the laptop, dude? Show us the history. Yeah. I don't do that. I don't do that, because after that stuff came out about giving people fucking cancer. What's that now? What? Your dick can get cancer? Talcum powder was giving people cancer, right? What? Isn't that a thing? God. No, it was... Oh, no, no. You know what it was? Yeah, it was baby powder. Talcum powder.
Baby powder was giving... It was something about women. It was either breast cancer... It was like... No, uterine cancer or something like that.
No, you're next, dude. Yeah, there was a lawsuit about baby powder. That's right. It was one of the powders, and it was giving people cancer.
That's fucking great. Where's he at?
In the South? Yeah. He was a New York guy, right? Forever? Big New York guy. Lost in the New York. Sometimes they leave. You guys will never leave. You'll never leave New York. I don't think so. I don't think so.
What's the main, what's that main drag? The parade was going on down there. Bourbon. No, no, no, not Bourbon Street. The bigger one. It's a four lane canal. Yeah. That is like Grand Theft Auto Live, dude. That's insane. It's gross. It's wild. We went to get my Laura Peek, who opens with me. I love Peek. Dude, she's so good. She's great. She wanted to go get some smokes.
That's true. Like, I could do Charleston. Charleston's beautiful.
You know I want to, but Bobby's got a grip on me, and he will not leave Los Angeles. So if the show ever does— Why does he like L.A.
He's from San Diego. Right.
And he loves Los Angeles because he's a creature of habit and comfort, dude. He does—he likes to go to the same restaurants. Yeah. I think we all forget he's 52 years old.
He likes what he likes, dude. But he just is a creature of habit and comfort. So, you know, I get it. But we're also working on other stuff now, which is kind of fun. We were doing like Bad Friends Productions now.
Well, that's why I want to keep making it on our own dime. I was like, let's just produce and finance it ourselves. Because then it's on us to make the money back. I agree. Then the risk is higher, but it's so much better reward than going through the system. Yes.
Yeah, we make it. We had a meeting last night. Like we saw the space. We're lining up all the people that are going to be a part of it. So it's like we're in control.
Yeah, we try. We keep trying, man. We've had a couple people pitch us on stuff. But like it's got to be a really good story because, you know, nowadays everything is inundated with –
fucking superhero stuff i know the movies are tough now but we're trying to make one and it's a it's a process it is a grind but i mean i think people do want us because they see us in these worlds they want us to do the other thing yeah i think people don't know how hard it is to make it i know making it no they see what's out it just takes a lot of work to make something it's so many moving pieces and fucking it's hard yeah we'll try we'll try and we're trying we're trying when is the taping tonight yeah wow yeah we're gonna hit the sauna should i go
Hey, we'd love to have you.
Oh, never mind then. Maybe I should go, seriously. Tom's character is really funny.
He kills it. He's not playing. He's doing something. He's not doing himself. He's a character. Come on, dude. Thank you. Don't squeeze.
That's true. Yeah, man. Show's wrapping up. It's not like you used to, man.
Yeah, I'm doing... I do. I start the year off. I have two months left until I tape my special. And I do Chicago Theater as my first one back.
That's so fun, man. It's so fun to go back home and to do it. It feels so something about going home. So I do Chicago Theater and then I do Durham and Charleston. I'm playing the Beacon in New York for all you New York fans. You guys got to come by. I'll be there. I'm playing the Beacon. I'm playing the Met in Philly. Wow. I'm doing four shows in Minneapolis.
Yeah, that's fucking... Well, dude, he got the president elected, so, you know. What's Shalamay if you get the president elected? Good point. What, uh... Are we hugging close here? Look at my voice, huh? I love it. You're the only guys I know that'll... Is that young MJ? Look at that. That's pretty cool. How great is that? Oh, Bronny. Oh, watch it, dude.
I'm doing two in San Francisco, two in San Diego. Great. So come out and see me at andrewsantino.com. This will be the end of a tour for me for a long time. I won't be able to tour for a while. We're going to be working on shit.
It's such a great comedy town. Oh, dude, I think, well, I guess, you know, we'll say it now is that I'm doing four shows there. We're just announced a four show and I'm going to, I'm filming my special there. Oh, there you go. Yeah, Minneapolis. Are you filming four? I'm filming four. Smart. That's what I did. Yeah, I'm filming four, but I'm doing it two different ways.
And I said, all right, let's go. So we go out. We're going to go get lunch and get some cigarettes. And I was like, dude. Let's just postmate it. I don't want to be on the canal. It was chaos. It's wild. It's zombie daylight, fentanyl slumping. Yes. And they're all yelling at you. See, the homeless here don't yell at you.
So the first night is one way and the second night's a different way.
Yeah, that's right. It's me as a school shooter. Yeah, it'll be great. I'm filming it two different ways using two different teams, which is kind of a stupid idea. Interesting. Yeah, you'll see when it comes out. I just visually have an idea of what I think would be cool to watch because the jokes are bad. So come out and see me.
at andrewsantino.com awesome does that mean you're changing the order is that what you mean by that no no no i'm physically filming a different i'm having like a different camera crew and a different director like i think this is smart i'm physically doing it different twice so the first two shows are going to be one way the second two shows are going to be another way for the crowd it won't mean anything it'll be the same set same hour and 15 or whatever but uh visually at home when it's done they'll see how different it looked they both look different
all right you know like maybe cut back and forth a little i don't know i'm gonna try we're gonna figure it out i just i just had this idea to do it this way and then if it works great and if not we'll just leave it to traditional you know what i mean like it's kind of a win-win for me to just be like we'll play with it it's my money i'm fucking who cares it's like i might as well try love it you know this is smart yeah get innovative get weird we might as well maybe i'll come tonight but what time six eight eight no pressure i mean it's taping you know how that is you gotta clap you saw our horse shit last night
Yeah, but maybe I'll just kid up with an agent and just come backstage with you guys and just fuck around backstage.
That would be better. I don't want to be in the crowd because then it'll be too... It's a lot of work. Yeah, it is work to be in the crowd. It's a lot of work. It's funny. They're like, be alert, be awake, take a break. Now we're doing a reset. Yeah.
100% true. We need them. Well, they want to see the thing live. It's cool to watch the process. Yeah.
Didn't she do our half hours? Yes. Yeah, I was like, the name is so familiar. She did the half hours with that. Yeah. He peed himself. Wow.
Jessalyn is that good, huh?
He peed himself. He peed my pants. Somebody in the audience might even piss your pants. Lip wrist.
funny dude i liked it i didn't see it i don't specials are hard to watch they're hard to watch i just can't do it even my good friends i'm like i'll see it i'll see it at some point yes but i can't watch them right away because i get the anxiety it's hard i get anxious for some work to watch it is chunks you do it in chunks that's doing chunks baby
Special coming out at the end of the year, next year. Go to andrewsantino.com. Go see me live. I want to sell out the beacon so bad. We'll be like you guys when I grow up.
Yes, I'm sprinting everywhere.
Check out the Bad Friends podcast with Whiskey Ginger. Check them both out. These guys have been on it. They've been on all of it. But you have been on Bad. You guys didn't do Bad together, did you? Have us on Bad together. Yo, that's right. I've never done Bad. We should do it together. Love to do Bad. No pressure. You know we'd love to have you.
It's true. Yeah.
no it was a fun city but it's also um it's it's so interesting man yeah yeah so we it's just a i can't figure it out like i can't wrap my head around what's it called the funeral like the second line the cemetery where they did easy rider you know oh yeah that's we passed out i'm like that's fucking crazy just it's just a cemetery just like above above ground mausoleums because of the flooding yeah yeah it'll happen again
Anybody you knew? Anybody you recognized floating around?
Skinny chef is a weird. Exactly. If you're a female chef and you're skinny, fine. But if you're a fat, if you're a skinny male chef, I just, I don't, I don't know. What are you focusing on? Exactly.
pussy yeah Bobby Flay Bobby Flay shows like one chef and one young actress he's fucking to the judges yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't like it his daughter is like a famous something somebody told me I don't know if she's a chef or something but she's famous something and she's apparently good looking so she's next to me he's a hunk
Mariska Hargitay? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. The blonde one. Yeah, I don't remember her name. The DA.
He was pulling DA poon. Entry, entry level. You got to move up. Dude, boys, how's the bodega cat? Hey, we're cooking. We're in the store now. The factory. We finished the bottle in my studio.
come on seriously yeah that's great man that is fantastic no i think it's it's funny because it's like starting a brand starting your own is so tough and i know burt and tom tried to they're doing vodka i think yeah yeah we appreciate it i mean they burt even said he's like we don't want to step on you guys with the whiskey so we're doing vodka which you know come on that's very nice stuff i have zero interest in vodka oh i like a vodka i like a martini but like but then but the real martini people will tell you you're fooling yourself it's not a martini with vodka it's only a martini with gin yeah
Vodka is an alcoholic's drink. Ain't that the truth. Yeah, it's fake. It takes on the taste of whatever you put it with. So it's a fake drink. Oh, interesting. I think liquor has to be, it has to be flavored and cultured enough on its own that you should be able to enjoy it on its own. If it's good liquor.
Right. Vodka is boring.
Vodka is a skinny female chef.
What are we talking about? I need some trauma. I need some mental illness. It's like a hooker that chats too much.
Yeah. Vodka just goes with whatever it's with, which is why I never, even like in high school, when people go get like a bottle of vodka to put with like a mixer, I was always like, not interested. You just go get me some dark stuff.
I'll have me some pop-off, though. That's good dirty boy stuff. That's when you want to disappear into the night and the moon comes up and goes, let's go to bed, dude.
And what does it say on the Uber now that it says like, you know how they tell you that they're deaf or whatever? Yes. Yeah. I love deaf drivers. I love deaf. Me too. Well, they're not. None of them. I've had three of them. Deaf or foreign. Yeah.
Yes. Well, you know what? You notice this now is like the driver that drove me here. He's a super nice guy. And I'm on the phone talking to a friend about getting a real ID. You know, like you have to have now like your driver's license. And there's what's called a real ID here in California to be able to travel. Everyone has to have a real ID. Is that what they call it? Do you know what this is?
He's not. Yeah, you have to have a real ID at some point. They won't let you travel with your driver's license. What? What's the difference? In May of this year. Weird. It's just government verified. It's more money for the government. It's just another branch they created to get more money.
So cool to fuck your ex-teammates. Your father's ex-teammate's ex-wife. It's pretty dark. But didn't she... Are we rolling? Yeah, we're rolling. What the hell? Didn't she jump around a lot? She jumped around. Good for her.
Are you one of those? I can't do the digital face at the airport. Why? I don't know. Something about it freaks me out.
i do the clear the digital and i stopped doing the clear because that's a scam the tsa is just as quick as it's clear sometimes it's longer you know certain airports you never know i just i can't do it but she was talking about the getting the real id or whatever and then i'm i'm like what's the difference and then the driver turns around and shows me he's like this is real id has a california bear on the top right corner he's like talking while he's driving he's listening to my whole conversation oh should have gotten the deaf guy
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's that our thing? I know. We're trying to go over jokes. Yeah. Leave me alone. You guys did great last night, though. That Netflix thing is going to be fun. I hope so.
Oh, what's that one called? It's got to have a fun name. It doesn't.
I can't remember.
Glaucoma Presents.
Yeah. I love when a black dude will recognize me, but not know where I'm from. Like I was on a plane and he was standing, you know, I'm sitting down and I'm looking on my phone and he's in line boarding the plane and he goes, yo, hey, yo. And then I looked up and he goes, you that dude from that? Yo, you that dude, right? And I was like, oh, hey, man.
You know what I'm trying to, because it's, you know what I mean? Like, it's a quiet, but I'm like, yeah. And it's like 1030 in the morning. Right. And then he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro, bro. And he turns and his buddy is in the, still in the, what is that called? The, you know, the. The jetway. The jetway. Yeah, he's still on the jet bridge.
And he turns into the jet bridge and goes, hey, yo. Is that dude from the... Come on, man. Come here. And his boy looks up and he goes, yo, that is that dude. But it made me feel good. Was it Lil Dicky's show, you think? Probably, yeah, 100%. That's got to be it. Yeah, he doesn't know me from anything else. That show was huge. It was. You were great on that show. You're an act, man.
It was all right. It was fun. It's over now. Wait, this is funny. This reminds me of when I first moved to L.A. at the improv. It used to be called Mo' Better Mondays. I think that was D-Ray's old show. I don't know who did it. That might have been it. But it was MoBeta Mondays, and I was like 23 or 22 years old.
I'll get you back.
And, you know, when you're first in the club scene, you don't know how to, you know, you're like, I'm a comedian. Is it okay if I just hang out somewhere? Sure. And the door guys are like, get the fuck out of here. Like, they don't want, you know, they don't care. Yeah. And the guy was like, yeah, you could just go sit by the bar. And I was like, okay.
Good for her. Dude. Nothing but net.
And he's like, but get in line over here first. And I was like, oh, what is this? He's like, you got to go through the metal detector. And I went through the metal detector. They made me take off my pockets. I was like, I've never seen this before. And I sit at the bar and Eddie, who's not there anymore, a bartender, one of the best dudes.
I said to him, I go, excuse me, why is there a metal detector? And he's making drinks. He goes, it's MoBeta Mondays. Yeah. And it slipped on me. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes, it's MoBeta Mondays. And then walked away. I was like, right. Okay, right on. Right on, dude.
It's very late, yeah.
You guys are the only guys I know that'll stay downtown Los Angeles.
What the fuck does that even mean? I wasn't at that show. What are they talking about? That's my thing.
I hear these guys are racist. Well, you're a laugh hack. You should have pulled a Kramer. Do the thing. Throwback. We thought about it. Throwback, dude.
That video is still embedded into everybody's brain. Forever a piece of cultural history. Was that the first viral video? It was the first cell phone thing. It was the first like... You know, you know how now everyone's got a video of someone doing something wild and you can't believe they caught it on camera. That was the first. How did you catch that on camera? Totally.
Like, how did that even get on? Like, no one was recording at shows back then.
We weren't thrilled. Netflix. Netflix. Yeah, seems like it. That sounds like a Netflix move.
Some guy was playing Snake and was like, hold on one second. I got to get this on camera. That's still to this day. We watch it. Me and a couple of buddies will send it to each other like once a year just to rewatch. It's just so funny. It's brutal. It's so wild. It's insane.