Andy Zaltzman

Can we even fucking say that now?

I'm sorry if I just made anyone uncontrollably horny.

Other parts of our military uniforms that may also have to be revamped or devamped for this apparently prudish age...

include, well, some very, very questionably shaped hats that are knocking around the British military that are certainly over you a bit of a, what's the term, defalissimilitudification, I believe.

And when they notice all the tassels on those military medals, there's going to be, there's some serious redesigns.

needed there, whilst other bits of the Armed Forces get-ups could also be redesigned because, and I quote, they look absolutely fucking ridiculous.

So there we are.

I mean, this is what we are as a nation now.

And finally on this week's Bugle, Iran war knock-on effects update news now.

While the Iran war has continued to rumble on like the indigestibly undercooked political chicken sheesh that it is, what's actually going on right now?

It's barely even worth bothering to try to keep up, partly because no one believes anything that anyone says about it anymore, least of all Trump.

And I'm not sure he even believes himself anymore.

He might as well say Iran has promised only to build nukes if they don't explode.

And we've agreed that pogo sticks and pedalos are now the only legal forms of transport across the entire Middle East.

now pull my finger and call me Donzel Washington, and the world would shrug and get on with its busy schedule of despairing at what we have become.

But the side effects of the war are continuing to radiate outwards, a kind of inverse chaos theory.

A war breaks out in Iran, and somewhere in the Amazon rainforest, a butterfly flaps its wings to try to change the channel on the TV.

It's had enough news and wants to watch some tennis.

We've already seen airlines cancel flights, various other impacts, and now a Japanese snack food company

said to switch to a black and white colour scheme or lack of colour scheme on some of its products as supply chain issues have left it without enough ink to make its packets colourful enough to prompt children properly to pester their parents in supermarkets.