Andy Zaltzman

And we in Britain simply cannot cope with seeing someone wearing an item of clothing...

with some things above where their nipples would be.

It's important to emphasize that these jackets have been worn for a long time and no one has really noticed this issue before.

But now the Royal Navy is set to spend 200,000, let's talk it up, 200 million pounds of public money redesigning these uniforms.

Because, as I said, the buttons look like nipples if your nipples are made of brass and you've got eight of them.

So for any metal wolves thinking of joining the Navy,

This is a huge issue that needs addressing right now.

Alice.

The problem is the top two buttons on this jacket, the formal number one jacket it's called, are in the same sort of upper mid-frontal torso region as nipples are so often found on the human body.

And ever since God told Eve to cover herself up with a fig leaf bikini, the female nipple has been one of the most controversial body parts in the entire history of the human chest.

So this kind of button-based smut just won't wash in Britain these days.

And the jacket in question...

which is apparently too damn suggestive in these days when nipples can never be seen anywhere, least of all on the internet, is made of dark blue wool and is double-breasted.

Can we even fucking say that now?

I'm sorry if I just made anyone uncontrollably horny.

Other parts of our military uniforms that may also have to be revamped or devamped for this apparently prudish age...

include, well, some very, very questionably shaped hats that are knocking around the British military that are certainly over you a bit of a, what's the term, defalissimilitudification, I believe.

And when they notice all the tassels on those military medals, there's going to be, there's some serious redesigns.

needed there, whilst other bits of the Armed Forces get-ups could also be redesigned because, and I quote, they look absolutely fucking ridiculous.

So there we are.