Ari Matti

You know that bitch ain't fighting those cool boys!

She fucking crawls around like a dog!

On her hands and knees!

And she fucking eats it off of my back, dude!

So just waiting for that to happen.

Maybe some lightning bolts!

Maybe a little bit of funnel cake in this motherfucker!

Wow.

Hey, guys.

I'm very happy I just got an acting manager.

I've always wanted to be an actor, and I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for.

The first audition I ever got was for a college student who gets the shit kicked out of him.

And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said, this kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him.

And then my favorite audition I got was for creepy 80s porn projectionist, which I fucking nailed.

And then most recently I went out for dumb guy number two who is sensitive to sound and cannot make eye contact.

So I think my type is fucking autistic.

And...

Turns out, I did well, because I got a callback for that role, and it was down to me and a guy named Trevor, who was, like, severely autistic.

And somehow, I got the part, guys, so...

You asked me to come on the show.