Aya

Oh my gosh, it's bright. A lot of light. Shout out Thomas Edison. He would have loved flashlights. No, it's cool. Not good with guys. I don't know. A guy isn't going to tell you, but I know I'm not good at hand jobs just because all my protein shakes are clumpy. And, like... Like, I wanna get better, so I'll just like watch porn, but like for educational purposes, obviously.

And all I've learned is that I like incest porn. Cause like, at least you know they love each other, right? I don't know. I guess I'm just a romantic. And it sucks being a romantic, because I won't see red flags in guys. I won't see a guy with dyslexia. I'll just see a guy who knows a little bit of German. Or I won't see a guy with anger issues. I'll just see a guy who can protect me from drywall.

It's not good at all. Wow.

Like two years.

I'm 22.

I'm African. I'm Moroccan. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I can hang out in the sun if you want.

Phosphate. We have phosphate. We have good food. Phosphate.

Thanks, Red Band.

No, I like that movie a lot. It's a good movie. The Lion King? Respect.

You have a good taste in movies.

Well, like, I don't want to speak on the behalf of all of them, but... I really like poetry. I've been reading a lot of poems. I like looking at art. I like to make bread. I love looking at dogs. I used to breed Dobermans.

So you just get a male and a female Doberman.

No, no, I've tried it so many different ways.

What's your glasses prescription?

Yeah, but they don't understand it. It's very confusing.

My mom, they're super Muslim. They mostly pray. But they're not that good at it. You guys are safe. You guys, they can hang. My mom, she teaches a lot of Ethiopians Arabic. She loves Ethiopians. And yeah, she's cool.

No, it's not.

How much did it cost you?

Nothing? Oh, it's free? Cool. It's free, yeah. No, they have, there's like sex trafficking there. Yeah.

No, but you're right. You do need to bring a marriage certificate if you want to get a hotel with someone of the opposite sex.

You guys should have just told them y'all were cousins or siblings. They would have let y'all sleep together.

Really?

Half siblings, maybe? I don't know.

I thought you meant, like, technically.

No, yeah, it's pretty much, all the parts are still there.

Uh, sometimes. Yeah, I was like there two years ago.

No, no. Well, that's where sometimes they go there and they leave me for some time, but... Who watches you? Uh... They... Well... They put on a little Lion King? No, no. They don't know what that is.

Like over a year now.

Yeah, like I didn't wear T-shirts until I was 19.

Topless.

Do they ever... Well, I think I'm just being myself.

And, um... You guys don't have to clap for that. But... No, I don't think I'm really rebelling. I try to, I care about them and what they think about me. Yeah. And so I just try, I try to be a good kid.

Yeah, yeah. I, at least a few times a week.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah. Tony's a nice guy, really respectful and stuff. No, yeah, thanks.

Thank you.

My mom's Muslim, but she still likes to have a good time with me, so sometimes we'll go out for mocktails, and she'll always order for us. She'll be like, hey waiter, two virgin mojitos please. And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey dude, leave the cum in my drink. Please. And she hates that. She thinks I'm a slut. She thinks I'm a slut because I don't carry pepper spray.

She thinks I'm making it too easy or something. But I have a cousin. She's intersex. She was born with a penis inside her vagina. Now that's a fucking slut.

No, cousin.

Yeah. But she is like a sister to me, you're right.

Or a brother, depending on... Yeah, she can do it all.

Oh, no. I made that up.

Yeah, but my cousin, she told me she was born with her vagina, like, locked.

So...

So they had to, like, cut it open and stuff.

Yeah, it was sealed like yogurt or something.

Yeah, it is, it is, it is funny.

Yeah, it is nice. Let your husband open it up for you.

It's cute. Romantic.

That's actually pretty sad. That's scary. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Yeah, imagine they put him in there. They put him in her... No, I'm sorry. But, yeah, good to see you.

It's good. I just had a birthday party this past weekend.

It was so lit. I was, like, making pizzas for my family, and my mom made okra pizza. It was so cute.

Yeah, like it wasn't even on the menu. But she just made okra and she was like, I want it on my pizza, put it on my pizza. I put it on her pizza and it was good.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah, no, that's for my second birthday. Hell yeah. I'm older now. Um... I don't even think I'm supposed to celebrate birthdays. My parents are bad. They're sneaky. They let me do a lot of things.

They be like that. They're cool. They're chill. They're not. They're not at all.

Not like that. They're just, like, they're just foreign. That's it. Like, I don't know. Like, they just text me spam messages. It's like, it's, I don't know. Like, my mom texts me prayers all the time. Like, I'm God. Like... I don't know what to say to this.

But it's, I love them and they love me a lot.

Yeah, but they're, but I think it's good for them.

It's like, it's, it gives them peace of mind.

And that's, everyone wants that.

Yeah. They don't have that urge. No. No, no, no. I have, like, my bloodline.

Our blood is really nice and sweet.

Other people come from different bloodlines.

No, no, it's not even a race.

Sweet blood.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Um, no, no, no. I come from, like, regular people. Like, I'm not, like, royal or anything.

No, no, I'm Moroccan. I'm African.

I can tell by people's eyes their bloodline. Like, Tony, you have very blue eyes. Uh-huh. And that's, like, that's not royal. That's, like, peasant.

That's peasant eyes. Yeah. But I have black eyes, so I don't know. They're kind of scary.

Really?

I don't know. I don't know.

James' eyes are, like, regular.

No, just your bloodline, your eyes.

That is not true. Like, I don't know. Wait, does Donald Trump like Muslim people?

Okay. No, because Muslim people like Donald Trump. Yeah. Because he's like the first president who doesn't have a dog in the White House. Yeah. Muslims don't like dogs in the house.

Yeah, angels are back in the White House.

Muslims believe if you have a dog in the house, then the angels get scared and leave.

No, we want them on the streets.

Yeah, that's where we want them.

Street dogs, yeah, like the street hot dogs, but they're alive and they're walking. Yep. And not for sale.

I'm in college. College is cool. I like it because it's a time where you can learn things about yourself. Like, I recently found out that I'm asexual. Okay? I'm asexual, so I'll sleep with any of my professors for a good grade. Except if they're women. I'm a straight-A student. Um... No, yeah, I'm a straight-A student. A lot of girls my age have sugar daddies. I don't know, I couldn't do it.

It doesn't seem right. Like, my dad also has diabetes, but I would never sell his insulin to pay rent. I'm, like, too scared of reaching for one of the needles, and then it pokes me, and now I have diabetes. I can't afford diabetes. $35 for a pair of socks. No, thank you. No, I'm broke. I'm so broke, the other day I googled how to make gas at home.

Step one is to control Afghanistan, so... Okay, thank you, guys. Aya, the new...

Well, I just graduated. I wrote that joke while I was in college, but I was at UT. I just finished there. Nice.

I studied film.

So I didn't do a lot of learning, but it's nice to walk around the campus and stuff. They have hammocks and stuff, so...

No, I went for free. So the government. Thank you, government.

I think it was a little bit of both. So UT gives out like they're really generous. Really generous people out there.

Yeah. Yeah. They've told me I'm special in a lot of ways. Yeah. They really have, yeah. Because I'm a woman, so they want you there and stuff.

I had to do that stuff in high school. No, I used to do that stuff in high school.

No, I actually don't even use Google that often. It was just a joke.

Oh, I know. I have like a gas car.

Yeah. It's a Toyota.

I actually thought I was asexual at one point, but I had an eating disorder, so I was severely malnourished. So maybe just try eating more.

Aww. That's sweet, actually.

Yeah, he does. Type 2. So it was his fault.

Yeah. He deserves it.

So my dad is like obsessed with honey. So he got it from like honey and then like dates, like the Arab, like dried fruit, which is so lame. He doesn't like eat cakes or sugar. It's just natural sugars that gave it to him.

Yeah. My dad has, like, this guy living in his backyard. Whoa. And he's like, he keeps giving him tasks to do around our backyard. Like my dad has like a white slave, basically.

And it's, he's like on meth or something and he just hangs out and he's been building a fence for my parents for like three months.

No, no, this guy, because my dad, he doesn't know Spanish, and he doesn't know English very well, so him communicating with someone who doesn't speak English, this would be really tough. So he likes white labor.

I don't live with him, but he's always there when I'm there. And sometimes he disappears for a little bit. My dad says every time he pays him, he disappears for three days.

No, I gave him cake the other day. He got really happy.

Yeah. Yeah, he couldn't have his life.

Yeah, diabetes. Yeah.

Yeah, he can't get over it. Like, every single night. Even if he's good all day, he'll, like, binge a bunch of dates before he goes to bed. Wow. Or, like, he'll... Like, I've walked on him just spoon...