Ben Kissel

They also decompose differently.

See, the result is bodies that within 24 hours are almost unrecognizable to the naked eye thanks to, quote, skin slippage, tissue softening, and severe bloating.

Oh, is that what happened to Russell Crowe?

Did he fall in there?

He hung out for way too long.

There was a buffet and there was a thing.

So anytime the water conditions sound like the side effects of an SSRI, that's probably going to be a bad sign.

And finally, we get to the animals.

You know, I know we all picture an alligator eating a body the same way.

Fancy candlelit dinner at a table with a napkin around its neck, fork and knife in each hand.

Yeah, dude, I want him to have a wine pairing.

I want him to be restaurant weak.

Yeah, but this ain't Tiana's Bayou Adventure, man.

It's real life.

Okay.

And in real life, they don't actually eat the whole body.

They bite at it and disfigure it and drag it and toss it to other gators and then submerge you completely and put you under a rock and eat you a week later.

They just generally anything that'll make it really hard to identify you.

I mean, there's plenty of vultures.

There's lots of... Pretty much any... Snapping turtles will eat fucking anything that's just sitting there.