Bernie
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Is that a Hanukkah thing? You know what? No time.
Did you bring chocolates? Right, the hat. Ho, ho, it's me, Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, parentless children.
I think Santa might appear different to everyone. What Santa looks like depends on how you see him.
¿Cómo la ves? Or how you see... No, no. That's incorrect. O como le ves. Or how you see them. That's the magic of Chanukah Christmas. Christmas. That's the magic of Christmas. It's beautiful. Yes, it is, little one. Now I got a jet. I've got more presents to deliver and a sleigh to Dee Dee. Cool? Cool.
Merry Christmas to all and to all's sleep good.
Of course you see Coca-Cola Claus. You're basic, Bernie.
Santa, stop. It's just me. Put the cane down. That wasn't the one up your butt, right?
Well, that was surprisingly chill. Like, I friggin' nailed that on the first go. I don't know what your elves were quacking about, because I got this shit down.
What do you say, Mel Gibson Santa? You ready to crush Christmas?
For good reason. Get in, sugar tits.
No, everything's fine. Don't come down.
You know, you're not supposed to be awake. One of the songs says so. Go to bed. Good night.
What, are you just going to watch me? Jeannie Smith? I've been waiting for you all night. That's not creepy, Jeannie. Okay, well, here I am.
Yep, got it. Act surprised for your parents. Good night.
Wait! I want to exchange it. I don't think it works that way, kid. I mean, it could, but I don't know how. I don't know if we'd do receipts, but your parents probably could exchange it. They'll figure it out.
Oh, um, that is sad info.
I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this.
Not what I, whatever, it's fine. Jeannie, let me ask you something. Do your parents get along? No, they've been fighting a lot. Hmm, do they seem like they're happy together?
Then why do you want them to stay together? I don't want things to change. Why? Things sound like they suck here right now. Besides, divorce can be dope. It can? Yeah. Two houses, two Christmases. Sometimes they'll fight over you and try to buy your love, which can be hella fun. Maybe you'll remarry and you'll get step-siblings or half-siblings. You an only child? Yeah, I hate it.
So the opportunities sound fruitful. Look, I know this sucks. Like, even though it has nothing to do with you, it affects you. And it's really unfair. But there's another really good thing about divorce that I didn't mention. The best part.
Your parents got a shot at being happy. You want that, right? Yeah. If they're happy, you'll be happy. Probably. I can't see the future, but I do know, just judging from what's under the tree and the weird mall photos... Bernie gestures to photos of Jeannie and her parents lying atop each other in denim. It's clear that your parents love you big time. A divorce won't change that.
Merry Christmas, Genie. It's gonna be okay. Santa, I love you.
Good Lord, I'm schvitzing.
How do you not sweat your silver balls off south of the equator?
Eve, I can't talk right now.
That'll be fun to deal with later. Okay, Droid Santa, according to the list, we only have West Coast, Best Coast left, so since you're stuck in the Rage Miracle, I'll continue being a hero and go deliver Christmas to... The Lit Loft TikTok House's Holiday Party. Kill.
At-home lip filler. Welcome to Los Angeles.
David Grimm. You got Instabot. Gain 10 times your followers in minutes. Jesus.
Yeah, sorry I had a weekend at Bernie's, your ass, but there was no way I was getting in that sleigh.
And there's Miracle Four.
What the hell, dude? You were supposed to keep a lookout on the roof.
Who's watching the caribou?
Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Never thought I'd miss Hulk, Santa.
We have to go. We still have like three states and a smidge of West Canada to deliver Christmas to. Come on, we're running out of time.
It's been 1 a.m. for like 20 minutes.
Okay, so it's 1 a.m. as long as we're here?
I mean, in that case, let's party.
Time's up, Euphoria Santa. Party's over.
We're going to another party. This one's tired.
I don't think that us mere mortals could ever get used to flying in a sleigh led by fancy moose. But at least I stopped barfing. Ha ha!
I actually think I'm doing pretty well considering my crippling fear of flying.
You know, not that I pictured what it would be like to hang out with Santa, but if I did, it wouldn't have been this.
Less glow sticks, more judgment, maybe? Usually old people are kind of critical, but you're like the oldest dude in history, and not once have you tried to teach me a lesson. And this time I kind of deserved it. I mean, I full-on drugged and semi-kidnapped you.
Eve, I've got a point to prove, an Ativan to take, and no time to explain.
Hey, Frat Santa. Can you cool it? I'm trying to say thank you. It's been a minute since anyone's believed in me, and it feels really good. You trusting me to take the lead, I, um, it just means a lot, so thanks.
Jim, you're always thinking tips.
Good, I'm glad. They ate crazy miracles or whatever Benjamin has you going through. They really haven't been that crazy. Okay, aggro Santa was hardcore, but so far... Zing!
Yes, you can tour. Yes, you can tour.
And yes, fried Santa was hard to maneuver, but honestly, he was a good listener, you know?
Ish. We prefer Jew-ish. But I think I get what's going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing.
Wait, what? I've been sliding down chimneys all friggin' night.
Correct. I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone. The dark house on the block, that's what they used to call my home. But with you, I think I finally got my shot. Christmas needed a Jew. Who knew a Jew needed Christmas? Okay, sorry, I don't have, like, a magical we've-given song gift. I can't, like, improvise rhymes on the fly.
And I'll bring all the oi.
Okay, Papa Noel. We got through security with minor hiccups. Thank you, Dave. And now, we just need to board, take off in a man-made steel tube of circulated farts, and defy gravity without understanding how. Easy.
The sleigh is not the only thing that's higher than a kite.
This doesn't look like Oregon. Do they not have night during winter?
Santa, where exactly are we?
Song Santa? Where are you? Hello?
Is this a hide-and-seek miracle because I hate it? This is how I perish. Ah!
This is some Alex Mack shit.
Ooh, Bubby be rolling in her grave.
Jesus, this is how I envision elves?
You guys are cute and not at all creepy.
Okay, so don't freak out. I've had it totally under control. It's actually kind of a funny story if you think about it. Hey, knock it off and get to the goody-goody gumdrops! Okay, okay. Santa came to my house.
What? You're a Jew! Ish. I'm Jew-ish. And it was a mistake. Something about not checking his list twice...
Okay, I had made some cookies and he thought they were for him. And he ate one.
This was less ooey-gooey and more sticky-icky.
It was an edible. What? An edible. A what? An edible. You know, the chronic cannabis pot weed? A marijuana. He ate marijuana.
out of it. But luckily, I am an expert in babysitting stoners. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I've been delivering Christmas without a hitch. I stepped up, took the literal reins, and haven't missed one kid along the way. So we could sit here, freaking out over a little hiccup, and point fingers at whose fault this is. Yours! Or you could just let me finish saving Christmas.
We have plenty of time. When the sleigh is not in flight, time slows down the night. We're not in flight.
Why hasn't time stopped?
Oh, okay. Now I get it. What do you get? There it is. There what is. You're not letting me save Christmas because I'm Jewish and you're a prejudiced little shit.
Oh, my God. Is she going to be okay?
Hey, wait. Want to know what's happening to Santa? Oh, just another Hanukkah-themed weed miracle. What are those? That's not important. You don't need my help, right? You've got everything under control.
Okay, you can do this. Same thing as before, except no magical being to protect you if you die.
I think he went in the barn! Here goes nothing.
When are you thinking that'll be?
So go be with him. And mom. I got the house really wrong.
I wish. My life would have been way cooler. Can I have the alcohol?
Okay. Here we go. It's happening.
Real talk, Nicholas? I wish I was the one high right now. I know you're going through eight crazy nights in one or whatever Benjamin said, but I could really use some catatonic right now.
Uh-oh. Santa? Get me out of here! Miracle 2! Miracle 2!
Santa, sit down. You are about to be tackled by patriots, and then Christmas will be really wrecked.
Oh no, please, please, he's got dementia. He doesn't mean any harm.
Gimbal, I need you to be not yourself right now, okay? This is an emergency.
Yeah, my name's short for Bernadette, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you help me get the man you're holding to Indiana.
He's not claiming to be Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
He's real. All of it is real.
Look, Santa, I can explain. I was just trying to help. I swear to God, please. Please don't.
I'm going to take your hand now. Please don't dislocate my shoulder.
Benjamin, what the fuck did you sell me?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy. You can't go in there like that.
You will scare the shit out of the children. They're orphans. They've been through enough.
Yeah, okay, case in point. I'll fill in.
You gonna be good up here?
I would not have done something so careless. I over-prepared for tonight. That, by the way, you were just complimenting me on. So, we could sit here and spend our night searching for a phantom peanut that does not exist, or you could let me finish throwing the best Hanukkah party this family has ever seen.
What? That's not, that's not peanut oil. I splurged for the fancy stuff. It was like seven extra dollars. Iricus oil is peanut oil.
Ugh, is this all we get?
Excuse me? Hello? Mister?
Listen, man. I don't know if you're like a John Wayne Gacy, except instead of clowns, you do like a Santa thing. But my finger is on my lady walk app, and if you don't leave, I'll release it. And cops will be here pronto.
Nintendo Switch? How did you know?
Holy fuck. He's real. You're real. It's true. It's all true. It's beautiful. Oh my God. You're Santa.
I drugged Santa. I drugged Santa. Oh no. I already ruined Hanukkah. I can't ruin Christmas. I'm a Jewish Grinch. Okay. Okay. He's just a little stoned. What do I do when I'm too fried? Snacks.
Cheese stone to eat? Been there, okay, no problem. Cold water!
Come on, Santa, work with me here!
Fresh air. Yeah, always sobers me up. Okay, so how do you, um...
Front door. Front door is good.
Almost there. Okay, I can do it. No, no, I need a break. Okay, let's just rest for a minute.
Oh, thank God. Good sign, good sign.
Come on, a little wind on your face, and you'll be right as rain to deliver happiness to the youth of the world, and I will in no way have hindered it.
Wow. This is... I can't believe it. It's a freaking fairy tale. You truly fly around and make the world a better place by spreading pure Christmas cheer.
Father Christmas? Your Majesty? I don't want to be the person who makes it all about themselves, but... I will not come back from this. Jews specialize in guilt, and if my drug habit single-handedly takes down Christmas, it will be bleak for me, okay? It will be rough.
Anti-Semitism? All-time high right now. Jews don't have helifans in the best of times, so it cannot be my fault that Christmas doesn't happen. Santa, wake up! Come on, Santa! Handle your shit!
Uh, hello? Hi? This is my... My name is Bernie Gold, and there's, um, a slight situation here with the Saint, the Saint, Nick, uh, with Santa.
A situation? Did she say go? Put Santa on! Santa is asleep. Asleep? He never sleeps. He's a Christmas vampire. Santa went to the wrong house, my house, and some stuff went down. And now he's basically not good to go.
No, no, no. It's not ruined. I didn't ruin. I can help. I can fix it. He's not good to go, but I am good to go. Just tell me how to. You've done enough. Okay, having deja vu.
Okay, okay. Feels like you spent a lot of time yelling at me when you could have just told me where to look. Find it! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. This is not a normal situation. Wait, wait. I think I found it.
Bernie's hand hovers over the lever, thinking... So, should I come with to make sure that he's... No!
Holy shit. This is one of Eve's signs. Everything happens for a reason. I'm not buying that on the night I ruined my holiday, you show up just so I can ruin yours. That's like two on the nose.
I don't think you came to my house by accident. You're Santa. Your whole thing is believing in people. I think. I don't actually know. I grew up on John Lovitz, not Rudolph. But maybe you're here because no one in my life believes in me.
But they're wrong, aren't they, Santa? All right. I'm going to try. I can pull this off. I mean, I can't let a bunch of Indiana orphans wake up disappointed because of me. I'm not going down in history as a worse Jew than Netanyahu.
Okay. I'll follow the light. Let's do this! Let's go save Christmas!
Did you know that you're a baby boy?
I don't make the rules, sir. I just barely get paid to enforce them.
Your airline is named Spirit and it's Christmas Eve. Or the seventh night of Hanukkah.
Tell you what. I'm going to help you out.
Lose the wine, and no matter the weight, I'll wave the sea.
As he walks away... Enjoy Baltimore!
Don't do that. Now I don't have to pick up a bottle for the party tonight. It's a Hanukkah miracle.
We invented them. Cheers, bitch.
Aw, Eve, you got me a present? Good, because I also got you something.
Yeah, for you. You're welcome. Okay, my turn.
You filled out my application? You're welcome. That's mail fraud.
Stop quoting your psychic.
Jews don't get saved. And besides, I'm not taking advice from a woman who believes that my choices are dictated by the universe.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Yes. I am ready to admit that I need help. From you. Right now, actually.
You can cover for me! I want to hit up the dispensary before they close. Thank you! You are such a good friend. Merry Christmas Eve, Eve!
Save you some soup cognac.
Five isn't a baby, you psychopath.
Thanks, Benjamin, but I'll be needing more than this for tonight.
First night hosting since 2011.
I've asked you to take that down.
Well, that's old news because after tonight, my name in Hanukkah won't be associated with fire. Actually, it will be, but the Gen Z good kind.
Benjamin, I'm not smoking before my party. My family's already taking cash bets on me beefing it. I just want something for after to help me unwind.
I do love a theme. Eight miracles per serving.
Yeah, okay, easy on the hard sell. I'm down for audibles. Thanks, Ben. All right, I'm out. Wish me luck.
Yeah, it's still cheaper than therapy. Happy Hanukkah, schmuck.
Gary, did you know Rami is a lawyer? Isn't that impressive? She helped send marriages. What a hero. Rami, tell Gary about your cases in placenta.
Hi, Phil. We're actually in the middle of... Can you just stop singing for one? How long is the song? You know what? I don't have time for... Shut the fuck up!
I'm sorry, Phil. What can I do you for? We're in the middle of a Hanukkah party.
How neighborly. But it is I that should include you. Why don't you join in on our Hanukkah fun?
Merry Christmas, Phil. Area neighbors.
Bernie, Bernie, nothing had peanuts, right? Mom, no, I know everyone's allergic. I'm not an idiot.
Mom, you're stressing out for no reason. Sure, our family may be a little... congested, but it could be anything.
Bernie doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know what to believe. The phone goes dead. The door to the room swings open.
Bernie shakes her head in disbelief. She pauses as she passes the agent.
Bernie salutes the TSA agent and exits. Interior airplane later. Bernie is in flight as the captain comes over the loudspeakers.
The Christmas wishes devastate Bernie. The plane hits some turbulence. The woman next to Bernie jumps, grabbing the armrest.
Bernie realizes she's actually at ease in the air. Not at all afraid. She looks out the window at the dark sky and is surprised to see Santa. No one else notices him.
We travel through the airplane window into Santa's eye. We enter and all goes dark. A menorah with eight candles dwindling down finally burns out. We zoom out of Santa's eye and back to Bernie. Bernie watches Santa's eyes roll into the back of his head. With no one steering the sleigh, it hits the side of the plane. The plane's engine explodes upon impact.
The sleigh falls off, disappearing beneath the clouds.
Bernie gives one last look out the window.
Exterior A&C arrivals later that morning. Bernie takes a deep breath and dials Rami. It goes to voicemail.
Honestly, so have I. Bernie cuts herself off when she sees Vixen standing in the loading zone like a taxi. Bernie hangs up and approaches.
You want me to ride you like a common mule? It's Alaska, honey.
Bernie tries to leave, but Vixen bites her shirt. Vixen yanks Bernie backwards, lifting Bernie onto Vixen's back in one fell swoop. When Bernie lands, Vixen makes a she-so-heavy horse sound.
Vixen takes off and Bernie holds on for dear life. Exterior, random glacier.
Exterior, random glacier, later. Vixen gently lands as Bernie's frozen bod falls to the ice. Blitzen grabs a blanket with his horse teeth and drapes it over Bernie. Bernie pats him on the head and makes her way to the sleigh. Santa is passed out cold. Bernie nervously takes his pulse.
Santa's pulse beats to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Bernie leans into Santa.
Bernie picks up the damaged radio.
More static. Bernie throws down the radio. She thinks for a moment and looks to the reindeer.
The magic yaks stare blankly at her.
Vixen snorts. That's wrong.
The reindeer start to trot. Bernie sits up a little straighter. She realizes she's triggering them by saying their names.
Episode 3, Exterior Night Sky, Oregon, PST. The wind whips through Santa and Bernie's hair as Santa chomps at clouds. Mmm, cotton candy.
The reindeer who have paused to stare at Bernie with disdain roll their eyes and wiggle their butts.
The reindeer gallop and take off into the dark morning sky. Ta! Interior, exterior, the real North Pole later. In Coco's tavern, the elves sit in silence, slamming down eggnog.
The bartender pours another nod. Breaking the melancholy, Bernie runs through the doors. Once again, she's dressed like a Christmas idiot.
Bernie squats as she catches her breath. The elves don't react.
Oroto pulls out a magical device that shows security footage from hidden cameras placed in the eyes of elves on their shelves from around the world. We focus in on footage of a person using the toilet.
Bernie's about to argue, but stops.
The elves weren't expecting this. They don't know how to react.
The elves don't know if it's rhetorical.
The elves still don't know if she wants them to respond.
This was hard to say. Bernie looks up at the elves who have tears streaming down their faces.
Santa hands Bernie the magical scroll, which is now covered in chocolate goo. Bernie Jewish Mothers the list by licking her finger and wiping goo away.
The elves are pumped up by Bernie's speech. They flip where they stand, hopping on each other's heads and shoulders, knowing that Christmas is finally in their right hands. Bernie creeps out the door.
Bernie turns around, confused.
Sotnik crosses to Bernie and climbs on a stool so he's level with her.
Sotnick puts out his elf hand. Bernie pauses, thinking, before she smiles and grabs his four fingers to shake.
Montage. Cue a rock and roll Christmas song while Bernie and the elves get to work. In the town square, the elves forklift-passed out Santa out of the sleigh, put him on a stretcher, and march him into a spa called The Manger. In the barn, the elves are at work fixing the sleigh and grooming the reindeer as Bernie oversees.
At the manger spa, Santa is observed by elves. They watch from behind glass as maple syrup is administered through a long IV tube into Santa's veins. They hold their breath, but Santa remains unconscious. At the toy warehouse, the elves work over a conveyor belt. They're assembling LOL dolls one by one. Bernie grabs one of the dolls and submerges it into water.
The once new doll now appears to be wearing lingerie. Bernie looks over at an elf with judgment, and he gives her a pervy smile. At the manger spa, Bernie checks in on Santa, who is now in a room covered in mistletoe. One by one, each elf kisses Santa on the lips and waits for him to awaken. Bernie leans over to one of the elves.
Santa looks over at the list and, with a mouthful of cheese, swipes. The naughty list appears and is massive.
Bernie sighs at the madness. At the toy warehouse, Bernie takes inventory. They're short gifts. An elf leads Bernie to a vault stocked with wall-to-wall electronics. They have all the big boy toys. Bernie looks to the elf, impressed.
The elves jump in glee, celebrating as they do by hopping and bopping all over the town.
The elves run towards Santa, who is back to the Santa we all know and love. He's a sober Santa. Bernie is forgotten and awkwardly stands alone as the elves surround the man in red.
Santa nods again, hyper-focused on finishing the cheese crumbs in his beard.
Santa gets in the sleigh, puts on his hat, tightens his gloves, and gets ready to take off, but he stops suddenly looking around.
Bernie Gold? The elves part and expose Bernie, who is trying to hide in the back.
Coal. Santa holds up a honking piece of black coal.
Alfred holds up his hands, and they are blistered and bleeding. Santa holds out his hand to Bernie. What do you say? One last ride?
Santa helps Bernie up into the sleigh.
The elves march over a long blue box with a silver bow.
Bernie opens the gift. Inside is a fitted blue crushed velvet suit with a Star of David embroidered on the back. Bernie is surprised and touched.
Exterior, dark winter solstice, morning sky, Alaska. A Christmas song plays as Santa and Bernie in her new fit fly past a welcome to Alaska sign. The sleigh flies over a mining town built into a mountainside with carts and copper decorating the scene. The echoes of children waking up to Christmas miracles follow the sleigh.
The sleigh passes over a frozen lake where an ice fisherman sees them and is stunned. The sleigh continues over a quaint railroad town.
The sleigh flies... The sleigh flies through the magical northern lights and grazes by national parks. Finally, the sleigh passes over a reservation with fur hanging and dog sleds rigged and ready.
Alaskan voices of gratitude and love start to overlap and fill the air. Santa's sleigh makes a U-turn and heads into the rising sun. Alaska's Christmas has been delivered. Exterior, Bernie's parents' house, front porch, Christmas Day. Santa and Bernie stand awkwardly at her front door. Bernie tucks some curls behind her ear.
Bernie smiles and turns her back to Santa as she futzes with her keys.
Bernie looks up at the sky and waves to a blip of red whizzing by. She takes a deep breath and enters her home. Interior, Bernie's parents' house, living room, continuous. It's worse than she remembered. The fireplace is in shambles. There's broken glass, soot, and food splattered everywhere. Santa's boot imprints are etched into the carpet. It's bad. Bernie enters the closet to grab a broom.
She clicks the name and the description pops up.
When she hears her family unlock the front door, Bernie braces herself.
Bernie re-enters the living room and is shocked to see the place immaculate. Fresh latkes are plated on the table, gelt bags, and gifts line the mantle that is completely intact. Hanukkah decorations out of a Kardashian theme party take over the room. It's warm, inviting, and lovely. Bernie's whole family is in disbelief. Fran has tears in her eyes.
Could have happened to anyone. Rami rolls her eyes.
Bernie in her velvet suit shuts Rami up by throwing her arms around her and embracing her in a hug.
Rami is uncomfortable, but lets a tiny bit of affection in. I'll call Gary and tell him to bring the rest of the kids over.
Bernie takes a bite out of a latke when she sees Rami about to eat a chocolate chip cookie. Bernie runs over to knock it out of her sister's hands.
Everyone looks at her in shock.
Bernie dumps the cookies in the trash. A little later, Bernie's extended family plays dreidel. They spin, spin, spin, laugh, eat, and be merry. Fran lands on Gimel.
Bernie heads to the garage. Suddenly, the front door busts open. It's Eve. She's still in her pajamas and looks like she's had a rough night. Eve frantically runs into the living room, still catching her breath. Eve paces, frenetically spilling her guts.
Bernie goes off on a tirade of justice.
The family stares at Eve in confusion.
Eve looks up in shock at Bernie, who has re-entered the living room. Eve runs to Bernie and wraps her arms around her.
The family watches them with judgment. Well, now that that's settled, Eve, care to spin? The girls break their hug and Eve takes her place with the family. She spins the dreidel.
We pan off of the family delight to the mantle. A mensch on a bench's eyes suddenly spring to life, glowing like the elf on the shelves did. Bernie feels the gaze and stares at the doll. It winks at her. She jumps. Laughter and ignorant bliss drown out the scene. Chiron, one year later. Interior, O'Hare, Christmas Eve. The airport is once again decked with holly.
As Bernie stands on her soapbox, Santa, mid-lollipop lick, freezes. His eyes spring open. We enter, and an ugly Christmas sweater unravels, turning into the dangling tzitzit of Talit. A menorah's seventh candle gets lit, and Benjamin's floating head appears.
Bernie and Eve, both sporting the Spirit Airlines flight attendant uniform, are on the moving walkway. Eve has been timing Bernie's speech.
Bernie and Eve arrive at a checkpoint and show their badges to Agent Gimble, who winks at Bernie as she passes. Eve notices the exchange.
Bernie and Eve reach a fork. They pause to say goodbye.
Eve walks away and Bernie looks up through the glass roof of O'Hare Airport and into the sky. We see a plane take off and moments later, if you squint hard enough, a sleigh.
We zoom out of Santa's eye as Bernie finishes her rant.
Bernie notices Santa's bottom lip quivering. Santa erupts into a fit of tears.
Bernie moves all of the kids on the naughty list to the nice list.
Smash 2, interior Portland family home, later. Bernie has the Santa hat on, delivering presents. Santa sees a framed family Christmas photo. It's so wholesome, he erupts into tears. The upstairs lights flash on. Bernie grabs Santa and ushers him to the chimney before they get caught. Interior, Seattle Boathouse, later. Bernie sets presents down under the tree.
She sees a little kid's drawing left for Santa. Bernie hands it to him. It's just too damn wholesome. He erupts into tears. Bernie heavy sighs. Interior, British Columbia Farmhouse, later. When Bernie finishes checking the list twice, she discovers Santa isn't there.
She creeps up the stairs and finds Santa in a child's bedroom. The kid is asleep, cuddled up with their golden retriever. Santa looks from the Hallmark card moment over to Bernie.
You just couldn't keep it together, could you? No.
Santa's eyes spring open. We enter and emerge in the desert. The star of Bethlehem shines bright above a manger until it becomes a flame that lights a menorah's eighth and final candle. Benjamin's floating head appears.
We zoom out of Santa's eye.
Bernie stretches to feel around the sack. She realizes it's completely empty.
Bernie gets up, hands Santa the reins, and puts her entire body inside the bag.
Santa smiles a weird smug grin. He leans against the sleigh like Don Juan. Me.
Santa plucks the hat from Bernie's head and wears it way too far back, like a hipster beanie.
What's awesome is this. Santa pulls a full Christmas ham from behind Bernie's ear.
Santa nods enthusiastically.
Santa gets distracted by his reflection in the side mirrors. He likes what he sees. Bernie grabs the list.
Bernie swipes. The list looks like a maze mess with delivery error messages flashing over multiple names.
Wrap this. Santa blows her a kiss.
Santa brushes his long hair and puts it into a man bun.
Santa stands up, chest puffed out.
Bernie looks at the dials on the sleigh. Bernadette? Santa puts his hands on her shoulders. The weight of him calms her slightly. I have a plan.
Santa shoves Bernie out of the sleigh. Bernie is shocked and barely has time to gasp as she tumbles through the night sky. She screams as she gains speed. She looks up to see Santa giving the old chint-lick-fuck-you gesture. But he doesn't realize that gold magic escaped his fingertips and is flying towards Bernie.
Bernie loses consciousness, but just in time, the magic from Santa's flick slows Bernie down. She softly lands atop a roof flat on her back. Exterior, rooftop, Alaska continuous. Bernie's safe for a moment until she starts to slide down the icy slope. She hits the ledge and tumbles off. Luckily, her legs get tangled in the string lights and her body dangles upside down.
She smacks into someone's living room window. Her shirt gets pulled over her head and her exposed bra flashes a couple sipping coffee. Bernie knocks on the window. Exterior, ANC Airport, Alaska, early morning. Bernie waves goodbye at the jarred couple as they drive away from departures.
Bernie enters the automatic doors and walks up to... Interior, Spirit Airlines check-in counter, continuous. Bernie hands the Spirit liaison her ID.
The liaison scans Bernie's ID. She pauses and looks up to Bernie. She tries not to give anything away, but it's clear something's up.
The liaison disappears with Bernie's ID. Bernie checks her phone. Five new messages from Rami flash before her. Distracted, Bernie doesn't see TSA security and police approaching. They grab her wrists and cuff her off.
Bernie is dragged out of sight.
Interior, interrogation room, later. Bernie sits alone, a cup of stale coffee her only company. She tries to get TSA's attention.
A TSA agent enters with a phone. He offers it to Bernie.
The TSA agent leaves, and Bernie slowly puts the phone to her ear.
Wait, what's happening?
And I'll bring all the oi.
This Hebrew.
The sleigh is not the only thing that's higher than a kite.
Wait, are you talking about me?
Ish. We prefer Jew-ish. But I think I get what's going on here. Your next miracle is to be all Barbara and sing.
Wait, what? I've been sliding down chimneys all friggin' night.
Okay, if you think I'm going to join you in some dorky little ditty, then you are absolutely correct. I've spent every Christmas eating Chinese food alone. The dark house on the block, that's what they used to call my home. But with you, I think I finally got my shot. Christmas needed a Jew. Who knew a Jew needed Christmas? Okay, sorry, I don't have like a magical we've given song gift.
I can't like improvise rhymes on the fly.