Boen Wang

That was a royalty-free sound effect from freesound.org, although I do have the pink notebook I bought from Target for $3. We walk past an armed guard to the gymnasium, where the Mandarin Sunday School is held. It seems notable that the Mandarin Sunday School isn't in a dedicated classroom, but an echoey gym with a basketball court.

That was a royalty-free sound effect from freesound.org, although I do have the pink notebook I bought from Target for $3. We walk past an armed guard to the gymnasium, where the Mandarin Sunday School is held. It seems notable that the Mandarin Sunday School isn't in a dedicated classroom, but an echoey gym with a basketball court.

New Dave introduces me to a group of Chinese immigrants sitting around a folding table. They ask if I can speak Chinese. I say I can understand it okay, but not speak it that well. New Dave is like, ah, there's that phrase, ABC. And I'm like, yep, that's me, American-born Chinese. As a side note, I really hate the phrase ABC. Just call me Chinese-American.

New Dave introduces me to a group of Chinese immigrants sitting around a folding table. They ask if I can speak Chinese. I say I can understand it okay, but not speak it that well. New Dave is like, ah, there's that phrase, ABC. And I'm like, yep, that's me, American-born Chinese. As a side note, I really hate the phrase ABC. Just call me Chinese-American.

Anyway, New Dave says that since he can't speak Mandarin, he's going to leave us to it. It's nice to be away from white people, at least for a little bit, to talk among ourselves in the language I associate with family, home, love. My parents must have really craved that when they first came here. Where else could they find a Chinese community in this small town in Oklahoma?

Anyway, New Dave says that since he can't speak Mandarin, he's going to leave us to it. It's nice to be away from white people, at least for a little bit, to talk among ourselves in the language I associate with family, home, love. My parents must have really craved that when they first came here. Where else could they find a Chinese community in this small town in Oklahoma?

Someone later tells me that this church is usually the first stop for new Chinese immigrants. People from church are willing to give rides to the supermarket, furniture for apartments, help with taxes, and all sorts of essential services. My mom still uses a set of bowls that Dave got for her. When the service begins, we sing hymns in Mandarin.

Someone later tells me that this church is usually the first stop for new Chinese immigrants. People from church are willing to give rides to the supermarket, furniture for apartments, help with taxes, and all sorts of essential services. My mom still uses a set of bowls that Dave got for her. When the service begins, we sing hymns in Mandarin.

Again, this is not a recording from Oklahoma, it's YouTube. The speaker, an older white guy, delivers the sermon in English, and like most sermons, it's boring. I picture my parents in these same seats, praying the same prayers, singing the same songs that I would grow up singing.

Again, this is not a recording from Oklahoma, it's YouTube. The speaker, an older white guy, delivers the sermon in English, and like most sermons, it's boring. I picture my parents in these same seats, praying the same prayers, singing the same songs that I would grow up singing.

When I fly home to Pittsburgh and tell Grace about going to my parents' church and meeting Dave, they point out that maybe I'm just blaming Christianity for my own problems. Maybe Christianity is just my excuse to hate myself. It gave myself loathing as shape and structure, but it isn't the root cause. Maybe I would have hated myself no matter what.

When I fly home to Pittsburgh and tell Grace about going to my parents' church and meeting Dave, they point out that maybe I'm just blaming Christianity for my own problems. Maybe Christianity is just my excuse to hate myself. It gave myself loathing as shape and structure, but it isn't the root cause. Maybe I would have hated myself no matter what.

Maybe it doesn't matter what path my dad chose at that crossroads in the Oklahoma City airport. If he never met Dave and never believed, maybe I'd still have the same self-loathing. If I grew up communist, like my parents, maybe I'd be like, ugh, I'm such a bourgeois, capitalist, worthless piece of shit. I need to write another self-criticism and do another struggle session.

Maybe it doesn't matter what path my dad chose at that crossroads in the Oklahoma City airport. If he never met Dave and never believed, maybe I'd still have the same self-loathing. If I grew up communist, like my parents, maybe I'd be like, ugh, I'm such a bourgeois, capitalist, worthless piece of shit. I need to write another self-criticism and do another struggle session.

Thankfully, I can answer the question of whether I'd hate myself if I hadn't been raised Christian by comparing myself with my high school friend Andrew. Andrew grew up in the same suburb of Philly as me. His parents are highly educated Chinese immigrants. We attended the same school district and have the same circle of friends.

Thankfully, I can answer the question of whether I'd hate myself if I hadn't been raised Christian by comparing myself with my high school friend Andrew. Andrew grew up in the same suburb of Philly as me. His parents are highly educated Chinese immigrants. We attended the same school district and have the same circle of friends.

But he was raised by atheist parents who were never interested in Christianity or church.

But he was raised by atheist parents who were never interested in Christianity or church.

So I sit Andrew down and tell him that I want to conduct a science experiment where you're the atheist control group and I am the ex-Christian test subject. Okay, I understand that we have a sample size of two, but just humor me. Andrew has lived the life I always imagined, a life without church or youth group or Bible study or retreats near Lancaster out in Amish country.

So I sit Andrew down and tell him that I want to conduct a science experiment where you're the atheist control group and I am the ex-Christian test subject. Okay, I understand that we have a sample size of two, but just humor me. Andrew has lived the life I always imagined, a life without church or youth group or Bible study or retreats near Lancaster out in Amish country.