Cara Clank

They're warning the rest of your body that it's all about to shut down.

They're warning the rest of your body that it's all about to shut down.

Hello. Thank you so much for having us.

Hello. Thank you so much for having us.

Only Cara.

Only Cara.

We all need to be holding space for farm animals, that's for sure.

We all need to be holding space for farm animals, that's for sure.

It's like a Pinterest board of a television show for her. She's just like, great idea. Great idea. Tighter. Pin it. Yeah.

It's like a Pinterest board of a television show for her. She's just like, great idea. Great idea. Tighter. Pin it. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

do they wear secret underwear in the uh what's crazy is that is that like um basically one of them is mormon two of them are like excommunicated mormons one is greek she's wild uh one's a jew she sounds lost yeah and i say that as a jew by the way i'm not saying that in a kanye way i'm in the greek one oh no and then and then there's one woman who is like owns a tequila brand and is mormon

do they wear secret underwear in the uh what's crazy is that is that like um basically one of them is mormon two of them are like excommunicated mormons one is greek she's wild uh one's a jew she sounds lost yeah and i say that as a jew by the way i'm not saying that in a kanye way i'm in the greek one oh no and then and then there's one woman who is like owns a tequila brand and is mormon

And she's like, this is just the way I do Mormonism. Vita tequila. So she's like, she calls it Mormon 2.0.

And she's like, this is just the way I do Mormonism. Vita tequila. So she's like, she calls it Mormon 2.0.

They're going to be in Salt Lake City at some point. Accidental plug for the book Bad Mormon by Heather Gay.

They're going to be in Salt Lake City at some point. Accidental plug for the book Bad Mormon by Heather Gay.

One of the wives who left. But I feel like they are. I love Mitt Romney. That was crazy when he ran. I go, are we going to have a president who wears the secret underwear? Like when he was running for president, I go, are we going to have a president that wears a secret underwear?

One of the wives who left. But I feel like they are. I love Mitt Romney. That was crazy when he ran. I go, are we going to have a president who wears the secret underwear? Like when he was running for president, I go, are we going to have a president that wears a secret underwear?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then I've heard that there's like an addendum to soaking, which is when a friend jumps on the bed and that kind of causes some friction, but you're not actually initiating the friction. And so, so it's fine. God doesn't care. Anal, you know? Yes. It's a loophole.

But then I've heard that there's like an addendum to soaking, which is when a friend jumps on the bed and that kind of causes some friction, but you're not actually initiating the friction. And so, so it's fine. God doesn't care. Anal, you know? Yes. It's a loophole.

If it can't create a baby, they don't care, right?

If it can't create a baby, they don't care, right?

Yes, because I don't know for sure, but I know sperm can live inside of women for five days.

Yes, because I don't know for sure, but I know sperm can live inside of women for five days.

Yes, yes. So, when you're talking about viable semen, I'm... Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

Yes, yes. So, when you're talking about viable semen, I'm... Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

You knew exactly what I was talking about. Thank you. Literally, that movie made me want to be a single mom. Didn't work out for me, but...

You knew exactly what I was talking about. Thank you. Literally, that movie made me want to be a single mom. Didn't work out for me, but...

Really? See? So I don't know. Like, did you ever read like when you were growing up? Did you ever read like little teen magazines like Teen and YM and shit? They would always have stuff that was like, I don't know how I got pregnant. We hooked up in a hot tub and there'd be like things about how the semen could jump in through the hot tub because the water's warm. Like an orca.

Really? See? So I don't know. Like, did you ever read like when you were growing up? Did you ever read like little teen magazines like Teen and YM and shit? They would always have stuff that was like, I don't know how I got pregnant. We hooked up in a hot tub and there'd be like things about how the semen could jump in through the hot tub because the water's warm. Like an orca.

So if you have like a warm ass and it leaks from your butt up into the vagina, it still would require a lot of gravity.

So if you have like a warm ass and it leaks from your butt up into the vagina, it still would require a lot of gravity.

That's a great question. I don't know what woman would want to do that. A desperate, lost woman.

That's a great question. I don't know what woman would want to do that. A desperate, lost woman.

But yeah, I found that out when I was trying to, on purpose, get pregnant, that that shit lives in you for five days. Wow. Whoa, kill it. Yeah. That's cool. Scoop it out. Get it out of there.

But yeah, I found that out when I was trying to, on purpose, get pregnant, that that shit lives in you for five days. Wow. Whoa, kill it. Yeah. That's cool. Scoop it out. Get it out of there.

So it's got five days to find the egg. Yeah, it's got days to, like, swim up there.

So it's got five days to find the egg. Yeah, it's got days to, like, swim up there.

Yeah. all the dogs keep dying and the kitties keep like drowning in the river yeah it's hard to drown semen just one puddle of semen slowly rolling through yeah and there's voiceover you get blithe danner to do the voiceover you know oh i didn't know if i could cross that river We've got to get to Natalie or we're never going to make a baby.

Yeah. all the dogs keep dying and the kitties keep like drowning in the river yeah it's hard to drown semen just one puddle of semen slowly rolling through yeah and there's voiceover you get blithe danner to do the voiceover you know oh i didn't know if i could cross that river We've got to get to Natalie or we're never going to make a baby.

I don't remember what it is, but there's some kind of thing about boy sperm is slower or faster or something like that. Like one of the gender is faster.

I don't remember what it is, but there's some kind of thing about boy sperm is slower or faster or something like that. Like one of the gender is faster.

So like, there's like, people will do shit when they're like, if you have sex at a certain time in your ovulation because you want to have a certain gender, it's like, the guys get their fat, so it's like, have sex, if you want a girl, I think what the deal is, is they're like, have sex the day before you ovulate because then all the boys will get there and be like, and then die, and then the girl ones will come slowly and they'll get right to the egg.

So like, there's like, people will do shit when they're like, if you have sex at a certain time in your ovulation because you want to have a certain gender, it's like, the guys get their fat, so it's like, have sex, if you want a girl, I think what the deal is, is they're like, have sex the day before you ovulate because then all the boys will get there and be like, and then die, and then the girl ones will come slowly and they'll get right to the egg.

What is this, the Battle of the Bulge? I know, it's crazy. And that's like, literal internet shit that I cannot fact check. Like, I don't know if it's true or not, but.

What is this, the Battle of the Bulge? I know, it's crazy. And that's like, literal internet shit that I cannot fact check. Like, I don't know if it's true or not, but.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Let's see how my son turns out. He's only three and a half. I can't really make any comments now. But I didn't know I was pregnant with him and it was my birthday.

Let's see how my son turns out. He's only three and a half. I can't really make any comments now. But I didn't know I was pregnant with him and it was my birthday.

Listen, there's also a ton of data that's like you have to drink so much alcohol to affect a child. I'm not telling anyone to do that. But you have to have a lot. Because it sounds like you're telling me I can drink through it. You have to have a lot. But, like, I had a friend that, again, didn't know until she was four months. She did not know.

Listen, there's also a ton of data that's like you have to drink so much alcohol to affect a child. I'm not telling anyone to do that. But you have to have a lot. Because it sounds like you're telling me I can drink through it. You have to have a lot. But, like, I had a friend that, again, didn't know until she was four months. She did not know.

Her son goes to, like, one of the best colleges in the country. He's a tennis star.

Her son goes to, like, one of the best colleges in the country. He's a tennis star.

She was ripping butts, drinking a ton. That's awesome.

She was ripping butts, drinking a ton. That's awesome.

And her son's fucking exceptional. So, everybody calm down.

And her son's fucking exceptional. So, everybody calm down.

Take a break. Pick it back up. If you quit, pick it back up. Yes.

Take a break. Pick it back up. If you quit, pick it back up. Yes.

Okay, so Warthogs are like the big men on campus of Savannah.

Okay, so Warthogs are like the big men on campus of Savannah.

It's truly called the Army Hammer Time podcast. It certainly is. You've got to be kidding me. It certainly is. Dog, you can't try to be all whimsical after the last few years you've had.

It's truly called the Army Hammer Time podcast. It certainly is. You've got to be kidding me. It certainly is. Dog, you can't try to be all whimsical after the last few years you've had.

He really is a cannibal, or was he just saying some weird shit to you?

He really is a cannibal, or was he just saying some weird shit to you?

I'm just saying, vis-a-vis the flesh consumption, is that real?

I'm just saying, vis-a-vis the flesh consumption, is that real?

It's so funny. Like, look at his face. We didn't know this guy was going to be problematic. He's pure evil. He looks like sewage in a person.

It's so funny. Like, look at his face. We didn't know this guy was going to be problematic. He's pure evil. He looks like sewage in a person.

I hope each one of them can suck my fucking balls.

I hope each one of them can suck my fucking balls.

Oh, like a denim fart.

Oh, like a denim fart.

After one or two, why didn't the ex block the number?

After one or two, why didn't the ex block the number?

Oh, also, my friends are like, you want to hit the pub? She's like, I can't make me for crime. I'm on my 60 day sobriety due to my fart vids.

Oh, also, my friends are like, you want to hit the pub? She's like, I can't make me for crime. I'm on my 60 day sobriety due to my fart vids.

It's crazy that you wouldn't just block it and you go to the cops. I don't know. I kind of think that the...

It's crazy that you wouldn't just block it and you go to the cops. I don't know. I kind of think that the...

With the new girlfriend, like, buying burners and, like, keeping, like, that's a continued pattern of harassment.

With the new girlfriend, like, buying burners and, like, keeping, like, that's a continued pattern of harassment.

Yes, you can block. That's what I don't get. It's like, one fart video, ugh, what a loser. Second fart video, okay, I think I'm done. I'm gonna block. She waits for five to come in and then goes to the cops. It's like, to me, it's also like, stop wasting cops' resources. They got less to do over there.

Yes, you can block. That's what I don't get. It's like, one fart video, ugh, what a loser. Second fart video, okay, I think I'm done. I'm gonna block. She waits for five to come in and then goes to the cops. It's like, to me, it's also like, stop wasting cops' resources. They got less to do over there.

Oh, people are molesting kids over in the UK, guys. People are raping.

Oh, people are molesting kids over in the UK, guys. People are raping.

I'm anti-bullying, but I just feel like let's pick our battles. Let's not use government resources for shit that could easily be solved by the touch of a finger. Block the fucking girl and move on with your life.

I'm anti-bullying, but I just feel like let's pick our battles. Let's not use government resources for shit that could easily be solved by the touch of a finger. Block the fucking girl and move on with your life.

Absolutely. It sounds like something a 12-year-old would do to a friend.

Absolutely. It sounds like something a 12-year-old would do to a friend.

I think the barrister is the lawyer and the magistrate is the judge.

I think the barrister is the lawyer and the magistrate is the judge.

You just keep talking about barristers and it's confusing me. They're all the fucking same to me. No, they're all wearing powdered wings.

You just keep talking about barristers and it's confusing me. They're all the fucking same to me. No, they're all wearing powdered wings.

Everyone thinks that the victim is the bitch.

Everyone thinks that the victim is the bitch.

Also, you have to think about, in legal stuff like this, setting precedent. So are you saying now, like, brothers that hold each other down and spit into each other's mouths, now they're going to get jail time or probation? Like, these are pranks.

Also, you have to think about, in legal stuff like this, setting precedent. So are you saying now, like, brothers that hold each other down and spit into each other's mouths, now they're going to get jail time or probation? Like, these are pranks.

You know what I mean? Is this girl's name Rihanna? Rhiannon. Rhiannon, yeah.

You know what I mean? Is this girl's name Rihanna? Rhiannon. Rhiannon, yeah.

Let's get to a perfect ass segue. Get in here.

Let's get to a perfect ass segue. Get in here.

No. You mean the cement kind? Oh, yeah.

No. You mean the cement kind? Oh, yeah.

Push-up bra. Makeup. I mean, everything's a fucking illusion.

Push-up bra. Makeup. I mean, everything's a fucking illusion.

Has he said anything? Yes.

Has he said anything? Yes.

But don't you think, like, if you're going home and hooking up with a girl and you're like... You're actually like...

But don't you think, like, if you're going home and hooking up with a girl and you're like... You're actually like...

Oh, yeah. The transformation where their nose is like this big and then they make it look like this tiny little delicate nose.

Oh, yeah. The transformation where their nose is like this big and then they make it look like this tiny little delicate nose.

They do crazy shit with makeup. And it's over. Before you're fucking, you're going.

They do crazy shit with makeup. And it's over. Before you're fucking, you're going.

So I need a lady with more ass. After you fuck, she tells you she's a flat earther and you're like, whatever. At least that wasn't a deception.

So I need a lady with more ass. After you fuck, she tells you she's a flat earther and you're like, whatever. At least that wasn't a deception.

Oh, because it was hurting your little booty?

Oh, because it was hurting your little booty?

You got to get, like, those little padded shorts.

You got to get, like, those little padded shorts.

I think lies are actually more deception.

I think lies are actually more deception.

Like, you stink! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you stink!

Like, you stink! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you stink!

Also, let's talk about that with the BBL. In five years, in ten years, is that going to be the trend anymore? The big butts were not a big thing 20 years ago.

Also, let's talk about that with the BBL. In five years, in ten years, is that going to be the trend anymore? The big butts were not a big thing 20 years ago.

What if the pendulum swings and then suddenly you're stuck with this big cement ass?

What if the pendulum swings and then suddenly you're stuck with this big cement ass?

Yeah, the pendulum swings and everything, right?

Yeah, the pendulum swings and everything, right?

They started saying fucking low rise jeans were coming back and I was like, you fucking shut your mouth.

They started saying fucking low rise jeans were coming back and I was like, you fucking shut your mouth.

I don't even know what that means.

I don't even know what that means.

It's like you missed the entire message. I wore those. I actually thought he looked cool.

It's like you missed the entire message. I wore those. I actually thought he looked cool.

Oh, well, he just loves his boys.

Oh, well, he just loves his boys.

But they're probably friends. Yeah. Wow. This is crazy. I had no idea you were a sneaker head.

But they're probably friends. Yeah. Wow. This is crazy. I had no idea you were a sneaker head.

No.

No.

I ain't fucking with that. I'll lie down and get beat. We also talk about this on our show that being a bitch isn't always a bad thing.

I ain't fucking with that. I'll lie down and get beat. We also talk about this on our show that being a bitch isn't always a bad thing.

It's fun to be a bitch. We're bitches in a lot of ways.

It's fun to be a bitch. We're bitches in a lot of ways.

Yeah. Well, we actually this this one's coming out in our episode this next week. OK, where. This woman called... Should I do this one or should I do a different one? Yeah, do the... Yeah. This woman was like, I have a really good friend of years and years. We both have kids like the same age. She has an older kid as well, but they're little kids. She went out of town. The husband was home alone.

Yeah. Well, we actually this this one's coming out in our episode this next week. OK, where. This woman called... Should I do this one or should I do a different one? Yeah, do the... Yeah. This woman was like, I have a really good friend of years and years. We both have kids like the same age. She has an older kid as well, but they're little kids. She went out of town. The husband was home alone.

My husband said, why don't you call over and see if he needs a break and you can watch the kids for a little bit. So she texted the husband. He goes, I'm all good. When the friend got back into town, she was like, how dare you contact my husband? What? without asking me or going through me.

My husband said, why don't you call over and see if he needs a break and you can watch the kids for a little bit. So she texted the husband. He goes, I'm all good. When the friend got back into town, she was like, how dare you contact my husband? What? without asking me or going through me.

can't accept that then this isn't gonna work right right and i was like what year is it i like the woman that called didn't really have an accent i couldn't really place geographically i was like maybe if you're like in the deep south that's a thing but like i i couldn't understand like i was like it's 2025 we're all like in the same time loop right now i will say as a husband this is not about being a man but as a husband i'd prefer if you just spoke to natalie because she'll remember

can't accept that then this isn't gonna work right right and i was like what year is it i like the woman that called didn't really have an accent i couldn't really place geographically i was like maybe if you're like in the deep south that's a thing but like i i couldn't understand like i was like it's 2025 we're all like in the same time loop right now i will say as a husband this is not about being a man but as a husband i'd prefer if you just spoke to natalie because she'll remember

Yeah, when somebody goes, I sent the invitation to Jared, I go, so you don't want us to come? Yeah.

Yeah, when somebody goes, I sent the invitation to Jared, I go, so you don't want us to come? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and then... But if I wanted to be like, Henry, I saw this cool poster I thought you'd like. I took a picture of it. Here it is. Like, your wife wouldn't be like, Kara, how dare you just, like, be talking about random day-to-day shit with my husband.

Yeah. You know, and then... But if I wanted to be like, Henry, I saw this cool poster I thought you'd like. I took a picture of it. Here it is. Like, your wife wouldn't be like, Kara, how dare you just, like, be talking about random day-to-day shit with my husband.

Explained everything. It was my husband's idea. We just wanted to see if we're trying to like be your village here.

Explained everything. It was my husband's idea. We just wanted to see if we're trying to like be your village here.

That's what I said. I was like, she's obviously deeply distrustful of her husband or she's got some, you know, she has a new baby. Maybe she's got some postpartum stuff going on where she feels, you know, like, first of all, you know, he's emotionally cheated before. The idea for this podcast that we originally started was, like, this is Am I the Asshole, but for, like, normal people.

That's what I said. I was like, she's obviously deeply distrustful of her husband or she's got some, you know, she has a new baby. Maybe she's got some postpartum stuff going on where she feels, you know, like, first of all, you know, he's emotionally cheated before. The idea for this podcast that we originally started was, like, this is Am I the Asshole, but for, like, normal people.

Because Am I the Asshole is just filled with so many dudes going, my wife had a baby two weeks ago and she won't fuck me. What the hell? Yeah, like, what the fuck? Am I the asshole for threatening to leave? It's like, no, she has stitches in her vagina.

Because Am I the Asshole is just filled with so many dudes going, my wife had a baby two weeks ago and she won't fuck me. What the hell? Yeah, like, what the fuck? Am I the asshole for threatening to leave? It's like, no, she has stitches in her vagina.

So to me, it's like, I understand that there's... She's barely in the movie. Sorry. No, it's okay. I'm just like, I understand that there's paranoia that women have after they have a baby. Like, oh, my God, I'm not attractive anymore. My body's changed so much. I'm paying more attention to the baby. I don't want my husband to stray or whatever. But it's like she explained everything to you.

So to me, it's like, I understand that there's... She's barely in the movie. Sorry. No, it's okay. I'm just like, I understand that there's paranoia that women have after they have a baby. Like, oh, my God, I'm not attractive anymore. My body's changed so much. I'm paying more attention to the baby. I don't want my husband to stray or whatever. But it's like she explained everything to you.

Her husband was part of it. Like, it wasn't like I don't know. They weren't trying to threesome your husband. It's just so irrational.

Her husband was part of it. Like, it wasn't like I don't know. They weren't trying to threesome your husband. It's just so irrational.

I will. Great. I need somebody Monday the 24th. Please go take care of Kara's two children.

I will. Great. I need somebody Monday the 24th. Please go take care of Kara's two children.

Henry, this is a web series.

Henry, this is a web series.

Listen, Broad City, some of it works. Sometimes it's a Broad City. What's her name? Issa Rae is now in charge of the other half of the White House. Yeah, listen, I'm just saying, I don't know if you watching my kids is a full TV show, but it's a web series for sure.

Listen, Broad City, some of it works. Sometimes it's a Broad City. What's her name? Issa Rae is now in charge of the other half of the White House. Yeah, listen, I'm just saying, I don't know if you watching my kids is a full TV show, but it's a web series for sure.

They would love you. They would think you were so funny and fun. I can get them to latch.

They would love you. They would think you were so funny and fun. I can get them to latch.

Thank you for having us.

Thank you for having us.

If you go to whosethebitch.com, you can subscribe to the pod and stuff. We have a fucking URL and everything. Whosethebitch.com. That tells you when our next live stream is. You can call in live and talk to us. You can also watch YouTubes of old live streams. You can subscribe on Apple and Spotify or wherever you fucking get a podcast. Do we know the number offhand that you can leave a message?

If you go to whosethebitch.com, you can subscribe to the pod and stuff. We have a fucking URL and everything. Whosethebitch.com. That tells you when our next live stream is. You can call in live and talk to us. You can also watch YouTubes of old live streams. You can subscribe on Apple and Spotify or wherever you fucking get a podcast. Do we know the number offhand that you can leave a message?

And then there's also ways to email us, call us, and DM us. It's all at whosethebitch. Literally from whosethebitch.com, you can just click on it and your phone will call us.

And then there's also ways to email us, call us, and DM us. It's all at whosethebitch. Literally from whosethebitch.com, you can just click on it and your phone will call us.

Oh, yeah. We love the voicemails. We love live calls. But an email is fine, too. A DM is fine, too. If you're going to leave a voicemail, we do have a five-minute limit. Some people... I think five minutes long. Some people are calling... I think 30 seconds is fair.

Oh, yeah. We love the voicemails. We love live calls. But an email is fine, too. A DM is fine, too. If you're going to leave a voicemail, we do have a five-minute limit. Some people... I think five minutes long. Some people are calling... I think 30 seconds is fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just gotta... Write out the key points and then call us. Oh, yeah. But we want to hear, like, and I can't emphasize enough, this does not have to be like, I think I should get a divorce. My sister and I are feuding. It can literally be, like, the most trivial. I love the trivial who's the bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just gotta... Write out the key points and then call us. Oh, yeah. But we want to hear, like, and I can't emphasize enough, this does not have to be like, I think I should get a divorce. My sister and I are feuding. It can literally be, like, the most trivial. I love the trivial who's the bitch.

And what was the one with the switch? We love one that was just like, my friend left her switch at the airport, and she asked me to go get it for her, and it's my birthday, and I don't want to. And we were like, go for it, girl.

And what was the one with the switch? We love one that was just like, my friend left her switch at the airport, and she asked me to go get it for her, and it's my birthday, and I don't want to. And we were like, go for it, girl.

I think they left the city of it, of that they were in. Yeah, so they had to go. She left it at, like, the TSA.

I think they left the city of it, of that they were in. Yeah, so they had to go. She left it at, like, the TSA.

We had a woman who told people to stop vaping at an NFL game. We have all kinds of people that are dealing with little bitchy moments of the day to day. To me, that's more interesting. We also welcome, you know, friendship breakups and all kinds of deep problems. But any level of depth, honestly, we're fine with. To the very shallow, to the deep.

We had a woman who told people to stop vaping at an NFL game. We have all kinds of people that are dealing with little bitchy moments of the day to day. To me, that's more interesting. We also welcome, you know, friendship breakups and all kinds of deep problems. But any level of depth, honestly, we're fine with. To the very shallow, to the deep.

Not even.

Not even.

And bless that badass of yours.

And bless that badass of yours.

I accept. I don't need to change. No one told you to change. I want to see your little tiny butt in those Celine jeans that Kendrick was wearing. He just could slide all down. You could just pants you in them. Yes.

I accept. I don't need to change. No one told you to change. I want to see your little tiny butt in those Celine jeans that Kendrick was wearing. He just could slide all down. You could just pants you in them. Yes.

Yeah. I thought his jeans looked cool and I honestly would have worn those in college for sure.

Yeah. I thought his jeans looked cool and I honestly would have worn those in college for sure.

I heard more stuff from To Pimp a Butterfly than I knew of the newer album. I've listened to the newer album once.

I heard more stuff from To Pimp a Butterfly than I knew of the newer album. I've listened to the newer album once.

Yeah, it feels very European. It's super European.

Yeah, it feels very European. It's super European.

What a shame.

What a shame.

I feel like that's where they all are.

I feel like that's where they all are.

Well, you should also know that on our show, for our live streams, we have a bitch-o-meter, which, like, it, you know, it rates, like, how bitchy the person that we're calling the bitch is. And our number, our highest one has been Kanye. But yesterday, on yesterday's stream, he was taken off the bitch-o-meter. He's been devoted. He's off the, I don't want to look at him.

Well, you should also know that on our show, for our live streams, we have a bitch-o-meter, which, like, it, you know, it rates, like, how bitchy the person that we're calling the bitch is. And our number, our highest one has been Kanye. But yesterday, on yesterday's stream, he was taken off the bitch-o-meter. He's been devoted. He's off the, I don't want to look at him.

He's beyond bitchy, I would say.

He's beyond bitchy, I would say.

The Paul brothers.

The Paul brothers.

Good.

Good.

She was early round, and they were like, Ellen just left. Let's start the freak off. Yeah, literally.

She was early round, and they were like, Ellen just left. Let's start the freak off. Yeah, literally.

They're warning the rest of your body that it's all about to shut down.

Hello. Thank you so much for having us.

Only Cara.

We all need to be holding space for farm animals, that's for sure.

It's like a Pinterest board of a television show for her. She's just like, great idea. Great idea. Tighter. Pin it. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

do they wear secret underwear in the uh what's crazy is that is that like um basically one of them is mormon two of them are like excommunicated mormons one is greek she's wild uh one's a jew she sounds lost yeah and i say that as a jew by the way i'm not saying that in a kanye way i'm in the greek one oh no and then and then there's one woman who is like owns a tequila brand and is mormon

And she's like, this is just the way I do Mormonism. Vita tequila. So she's like, she calls it Mormon 2.0.

They're going to be in Salt Lake City at some point. Accidental plug for the book Bad Mormon by Heather Gay.

One of the wives who left. But I feel like they are. I love Mitt Romney. That was crazy when he ran. I go, are we going to have a president who wears the secret underwear? Like when he was running for president, I go, are we going to have a president that wears a secret underwear?

Yeah.

But then I've heard that there's like an addendum to soaking, which is when a friend jumps on the bed and that kind of causes some friction, but you're not actually initiating the friction. And so, so it's fine. God doesn't care. Anal, you know? Yes. It's a loophole.

If it can't create a baby, they don't care, right?

Yes, because I don't know for sure, but I know sperm can live inside of women for five days.

Yes, yes. So, when you're talking about viable semen, I'm... Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

You knew exactly what I was talking about. Thank you. Literally, that movie made me want to be a single mom. Didn't work out for me, but...

Really? See? So I don't know. Like, did you ever read like when you were growing up? Did you ever read like little teen magazines like Teen and YM and shit? They would always have stuff that was like, I don't know how I got pregnant. We hooked up in a hot tub and there'd be like things about how the semen could jump in through the hot tub because the water's warm. Like an orca.

So if you have like a warm ass and it leaks from your butt up into the vagina, it still would require a lot of gravity.

That's a great question. I don't know what woman would want to do that. A desperate, lost woman.

But yeah, I found that out when I was trying to, on purpose, get pregnant, that that shit lives in you for five days. Wow. Whoa, kill it. Yeah. That's cool. Scoop it out. Get it out of there.

So it's got five days to find the egg. Yeah, it's got days to, like, swim up there.

Yeah. all the dogs keep dying and the kitties keep like drowning in the river yeah it's hard to drown semen just one puddle of semen slowly rolling through yeah and there's voiceover you get blithe danner to do the voiceover you know oh i didn't know if i could cross that river We've got to get to Natalie or we're never going to make a baby.

I don't remember what it is, but there's some kind of thing about boy sperm is slower or faster or something like that. Like one of the gender is faster.

So like, there's like, people will do shit when they're like, if you have sex at a certain time in your ovulation because you want to have a certain gender, it's like, the guys get their fat, so it's like, have sex, if you want a girl, I think what the deal is, is they're like, have sex the day before you ovulate because then all the boys will get there and be like, and then die, and then the girl ones will come slowly and they'll get right to the egg.

What is this, the Battle of the Bulge? I know, it's crazy. And that's like, literal internet shit that I cannot fact check. Like, I don't know if it's true or not, but.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Let's see how my son turns out. He's only three and a half. I can't really make any comments now. But I didn't know I was pregnant with him and it was my birthday.

Listen, there's also a ton of data that's like you have to drink so much alcohol to affect a child. I'm not telling anyone to do that. But you have to have a lot. Because it sounds like you're telling me I can drink through it. You have to have a lot. But, like, I had a friend that, again, didn't know until she was four months. She did not know.

Her son goes to, like, one of the best colleges in the country. He's a tennis star.

She was ripping butts, drinking a ton. That's awesome.

And her son's fucking exceptional. So, everybody calm down.

Take a break. Pick it back up. If you quit, pick it back up. Yes.

Okay, so Warthogs are like the big men on campus of Savannah.

It's truly called the Army Hammer Time podcast. It certainly is. You've got to be kidding me. It certainly is. Dog, you can't try to be all whimsical after the last few years you've had.

He really is a cannibal, or was he just saying some weird shit to you?

I'm just saying, vis-a-vis the flesh consumption, is that real?

It's so funny. Like, look at his face. We didn't know this guy was going to be problematic. He's pure evil. He looks like sewage in a person.

I hope each one of them can suck my fucking balls.

Oh, like a denim fart.

After one or two, why didn't the ex block the number?

Oh, also, my friends are like, you want to hit the pub? She's like, I can't make me for crime. I'm on my 60 day sobriety due to my fart vids.

It's crazy that you wouldn't just block it and you go to the cops. I don't know. I kind of think that the...

With the new girlfriend, like, buying burners and, like, keeping, like, that's a continued pattern of harassment.

Yes, you can block. That's what I don't get. It's like, one fart video, ugh, what a loser. Second fart video, okay, I think I'm done. I'm gonna block. She waits for five to come in and then goes to the cops. It's like, to me, it's also like, stop wasting cops' resources. They got less to do over there.

Oh, people are molesting kids over in the UK, guys. People are raping.

I'm anti-bullying, but I just feel like let's pick our battles. Let's not use government resources for shit that could easily be solved by the touch of a finger. Block the fucking girl and move on with your life.

Absolutely. It sounds like something a 12-year-old would do to a friend.

I think the barrister is the lawyer and the magistrate is the judge.

You just keep talking about barristers and it's confusing me. They're all the fucking same to me. No, they're all wearing powdered wings.

Everyone thinks that the victim is the bitch.

Also, you have to think about, in legal stuff like this, setting precedent. So are you saying now, like, brothers that hold each other down and spit into each other's mouths, now they're going to get jail time or probation? Like, these are pranks.

You know what I mean? Is this girl's name Rihanna? Rhiannon. Rhiannon, yeah.

Let's get to a perfect ass segue. Get in here.

No. You mean the cement kind? Oh, yeah.

Push-up bra. Makeup. I mean, everything's a fucking illusion.

Has he said anything? Yes.

But don't you think, like, if you're going home and hooking up with a girl and you're like... You're actually like...

Oh, yeah. The transformation where their nose is like this big and then they make it look like this tiny little delicate nose.

They do crazy shit with makeup. And it's over. Before you're fucking, you're going.

So I need a lady with more ass. After you fuck, she tells you she's a flat earther and you're like, whatever. At least that wasn't a deception.

Oh, because it was hurting your little booty?

You got to get, like, those little padded shorts.

I think lies are actually more deception.

Like, you stink! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you stink!

Also, let's talk about that with the BBL. In five years, in ten years, is that going to be the trend anymore? The big butts were not a big thing 20 years ago.

What if the pendulum swings and then suddenly you're stuck with this big cement ass?

Yeah, the pendulum swings and everything, right?

They started saying fucking low rise jeans were coming back and I was like, you fucking shut your mouth.

I don't even know what that means.

It's like you missed the entire message. I wore those. I actually thought he looked cool.

Oh, well, he just loves his boys.

But they're probably friends. Yeah. Wow. This is crazy. I had no idea you were a sneaker head.

No.

I ain't fucking with that. I'll lie down and get beat. We also talk about this on our show that being a bitch isn't always a bad thing.

It's fun to be a bitch. We're bitches in a lot of ways.

Yeah. Well, we actually this this one's coming out in our episode this next week. OK, where. This woman called... Should I do this one or should I do a different one? Yeah, do the... Yeah. This woman was like, I have a really good friend of years and years. We both have kids like the same age. She has an older kid as well, but they're little kids. She went out of town. The husband was home alone.

My husband said, why don't you call over and see if he needs a break and you can watch the kids for a little bit. So she texted the husband. He goes, I'm all good. When the friend got back into town, she was like, how dare you contact my husband? What? without asking me or going through me.

can't accept that then this isn't gonna work right right and i was like what year is it i like the woman that called didn't really have an accent i couldn't really place geographically i was like maybe if you're like in the deep south that's a thing but like i i couldn't understand like i was like it's 2025 we're all like in the same time loop right now i will say as a husband this is not about being a man but as a husband i'd prefer if you just spoke to natalie because she'll remember

Yeah, when somebody goes, I sent the invitation to Jared, I go, so you don't want us to come? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and then... But if I wanted to be like, Henry, I saw this cool poster I thought you'd like. I took a picture of it. Here it is. Like, your wife wouldn't be like, Kara, how dare you just, like, be talking about random day-to-day shit with my husband.

Explained everything. It was my husband's idea. We just wanted to see if we're trying to like be your village here.

That's what I said. I was like, she's obviously deeply distrustful of her husband or she's got some, you know, she has a new baby. Maybe she's got some postpartum stuff going on where she feels, you know, like, first of all, you know, he's emotionally cheated before. The idea for this podcast that we originally started was, like, this is Am I the Asshole, but for, like, normal people.

Because Am I the Asshole is just filled with so many dudes going, my wife had a baby two weeks ago and she won't fuck me. What the hell? Yeah, like, what the fuck? Am I the asshole for threatening to leave? It's like, no, she has stitches in her vagina.

So to me, it's like, I understand that there's... She's barely in the movie. Sorry. No, it's okay. I'm just like, I understand that there's paranoia that women have after they have a baby. Like, oh, my God, I'm not attractive anymore. My body's changed so much. I'm paying more attention to the baby. I don't want my husband to stray or whatever. But it's like she explained everything to you.

Her husband was part of it. Like, it wasn't like I don't know. They weren't trying to threesome your husband. It's just so irrational.

I will. Great. I need somebody Monday the 24th. Please go take care of Kara's two children.

Henry, this is a web series.

Listen, Broad City, some of it works. Sometimes it's a Broad City. What's her name? Issa Rae is now in charge of the other half of the White House. Yeah, listen, I'm just saying, I don't know if you watching my kids is a full TV show, but it's a web series for sure.

They would love you. They would think you were so funny and fun. I can get them to latch.

Thank you for having us.

If you go to whosethebitch.com, you can subscribe to the pod and stuff. We have a fucking URL and everything. Whosethebitch.com. That tells you when our next live stream is. You can call in live and talk to us. You can also watch YouTubes of old live streams. You can subscribe on Apple and Spotify or wherever you fucking get a podcast. Do we know the number offhand that you can leave a message?

And then there's also ways to email us, call us, and DM us. It's all at whosethebitch. Literally from whosethebitch.com, you can just click on it and your phone will call us.

Oh, yeah. We love the voicemails. We love live calls. But an email is fine, too. A DM is fine, too. If you're going to leave a voicemail, we do have a five-minute limit. Some people... I think five minutes long. Some people are calling... I think 30 seconds is fair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just gotta... Write out the key points and then call us. Oh, yeah. But we want to hear, like, and I can't emphasize enough, this does not have to be like, I think I should get a divorce. My sister and I are feuding. It can literally be, like, the most trivial. I love the trivial who's the bitch.

And what was the one with the switch? We love one that was just like, my friend left her switch at the airport, and she asked me to go get it for her, and it's my birthday, and I don't want to. And we were like, go for it, girl.

I think they left the city of it, of that they were in. Yeah, so they had to go. She left it at, like, the TSA.

We had a woman who told people to stop vaping at an NFL game. We have all kinds of people that are dealing with little bitchy moments of the day to day. To me, that's more interesting. We also welcome, you know, friendship breakups and all kinds of deep problems. But any level of depth, honestly, we're fine with. To the very shallow, to the deep.

Not even.

And bless that badass of yours.

I accept. I don't need to change. No one told you to change. I want to see your little tiny butt in those Celine jeans that Kendrick was wearing. He just could slide all down. You could just pants you in them. Yes.

Yeah. I thought his jeans looked cool and I honestly would have worn those in college for sure.

I heard more stuff from To Pimp a Butterfly than I knew of the newer album. I've listened to the newer album once.

Yeah, it feels very European. It's super European.

What a shame.

I feel like that's where they all are.

Well, you should also know that on our show, for our live streams, we have a bitch-o-meter, which, like, it, you know, it rates, like, how bitchy the person that we're calling the bitch is. And our number, our highest one has been Kanye. But yesterday, on yesterday's stream, he was taken off the bitch-o-meter. He's been devoted. He's off the, I don't want to look at him.

He's beyond bitchy, I would say.

The Paul brothers.

Good.

She was early round, and they were like, Ellen just left. Let's start the freak off. Yeah, literally.