Chelsea Handler

And I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail. I went inside to the kitchen. My brother Roy was cooking. He's the chef in our family. And he was cooking. And he was like, I said, I grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses. And he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Bert and Bernice a thank you cocktail.

And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, excuse me? I go, what's your problem? He goes, look at me. And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.

And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, excuse me? I go, what's your problem? He goes, look at me. And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.

And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me. And I'm like, excuse me? I go, what's your problem? He goes, look at me. And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way. And he goes, look at me. Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.

No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.

No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.

No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes. So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that. I'm Jewish. We don't do that. So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.

We have to be in Florida by midnight. Oh. That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy.

We have to be in Florida by midnight. Oh. That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy.

We have to be in Florida by midnight. Oh. That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like, okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach. It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy.

And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea? Yeah. You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic. What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down. They're coming down off the drug. Yeah, they were coming down.

And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea? Yeah. You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic. What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down. They're coming down off the drug. Yeah, they were coming down.

And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea? Yeah. You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic. What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down. They're coming down off the drug. Yeah, they were coming down.

And then the next day, the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she texts me. She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy. She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're coming by.

And then the next day, the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she texts me. She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy. She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're coming by.

And then the next day, the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she texts me. She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy. She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're coming by.

She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the First Lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.

She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the First Lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.

She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the First Lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people. And they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking. I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady. And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.

She understood his body type the way I did, like just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like, why is Bert acting? I'm like, he's sick. He's sick. Cause I know, you know, like I'm not going to bring a crystal meth to the fucking first lady. And my brother Roy's out there and I knew he was about to fucking say something. I'm like, you shut up.