Christopher Titus

Olen tekemässä... Hyvää päivää, Brian. Älä itke, että et ole yllättänyt. Hyvää päivää, Alison Rosen. Hei, Adam. Minun pitää pysyä vastaamaan itseäni. Olin tekemässä esitys tänään Sakramenton kanssa. Hän sanoi, etteikö ole huolissasi Glenn Beckin stigmaa? Tiedän tätä paljon. Eikö ole huolissasi, että hän on liittyvä oikealle? Sanoin, että miksi kun Alec Baldwin kertoo, että me olemme hyviä ystäviä, hän tulee esiin. Eikö hän ole huolissasi, että hän on liittyvä oikealle?

That doesn't exist. And she's like, well... And I said, the reason you're asking that is because the media slanted toward the left and all of you think that way. You can't help but the way you think. See, if I go, hey, me and Alec Baldwin are good buddies and he calls in and we hang out, you think, cool. And if somebody says, hey, Glenn Beck was calling you a genius the other day, you go, ooh, aren't you worried? To be fair, the interview was with left-wing think tank daily. Yeah.

Sacramento's left-wing think tank daily. She had no answer to that, but yes. It is weird. It's weird, and it just kind of... I know we get in this argument, like, which way is the media slanted? I'll tell you this. I don't know which way the media is slanted. I will tell you, I've been asked...

Am I worried about being connected with right-wing whoever or being too right-wing a thousand times? No media members ever asked me about being too left-wing when I talk about pot and abortion and gay marriage or something like that. That's a little clue into the universe that they're living in.

Hmm. I could fire you and burn down your friggin' house! Maybe it's just what they want you to be or expect you to be. Maybe. I never get anything from the right. I only get shit from the left. But maybe that's my listeners. Right. You know what I mean? I think they're probably more left-leaning.

I wonder if you were to say something... So if you say something that skews liberal, you don't get any... People aren't trying to tell you to go get raped. No, I never get that. I only get it if I make one of my comments that sounds insane, like where I go. Well, each year I pay the equivalent to 48 school teachers in taxes, like what 48 individual school teachers individually would pay.

I pay as one person. We get the exact same benefits. And you're saying to me you want me to pay the equivalent of 51 school teachers. I think I can make a pretty good argument as to why I should pay for only 45 worth of school teachers in taxes in one tax year. And then I get the hate mail. Oh, you rich guy, I don't think you pay.

I'm just saying I'm paying for 48 worth of school teachers. You want me at 51? I don't get an extra thing. This would be a very interesting argument if we just went into a court of law and you sat down and you would explain to the unbiased judge why I should go from 48 school teachers to 51.

And then I could easily make the argument to get from 48 down to 45 by simply explaining I get no extra anything from the people that I'm giving the money to. Except for a little bit of the stink eye when I'm explaining this particular matter. As you're explaining it, I'm imagining a bunch of chairs with 51 school teachers and then it just has 48 and then has 45. It'd be nice. I feel like to illustrate this in the court, you should have that many school teachers. I'd like to get...

Kyllä, se olisi kiva. Yksi minulle, ja sitten heille. Sitten laitan, kuinka monta rautaa yksi rauta kääntää joka vuosi, joka on vähemmän kuin kolme viikkoa. Sitten näemme, kuinka monta rautaa rautani kääntää joka vuosi. Ja sitten se olisi valmis ja valmis.

We would all leave. It'd be the easiest case in the world. There'd be no jury in the world. They couldn't get very far on their three inches of road. That would think I should pay for 51 or worth the 51 worth of taxes. All right. But that does piss people off. And I understand it. The thing that's different about me is I grew up around this shit and this rhetoric. And that's why I'm not buying into it. Now, also, as I've said a million times.

The government, look, if I thought the fucking money was going somewhere useful, I'd give you all that I had. But I don't trust these guys. Either side of the aisle. I think they're all fuck-ups and greedy and they're all a mess. And they're mostly sociopaths. The other thing I want to talk about.

As it pertains to the government. Pull up a Porsche Panamera, please. Now, I had to go to Amazon today. I clicked through our website so we could get a little love. To buy a Porsche? I actually had my assistant do this. No, I had to buy a radar detector.

I got this Porsche Panamera. I did not get it. I talked to my friend Matt D'Andrea, who I do the car cast with. I said, Matt, talk to the good friends over at Porsche. Last time I saw Joel McHale, he pulled up in one. I said, where the hell did you get that? He said, they're letting me drive it.

So I said, I gotta make a run to Sacramento, and I'm driving, because I'm fucking tired of the airports. I'm tired, I'm rung out. I realized in the last four or five days, I did LAX, then I flew LAX to Philly, and then I was back in Philly.

...airport the next morning, and I flew to Detroit, and then I was back in the Detroit airport the next morning, and I flew to Chicago, and then back in the Chicago airport the next morning, to Denver, back in Denver, and then back to Burbank. Ten airport, ten take the shoes off, ten, sir, what I need you to do for me, okay, right now, so go ahead, ten, with the shoes and the belts and the things. Also, passing all the signs that said, kids under 12 do not need to remove their shoes...

As I've said, I'm not clairvoyant. I just notice things that are wrong earlier than other people. Six months ago when we were in Hawaii, I was saying, what the fuck is my five-year-old daughter kicking off her flip-flops for to get through security in the Maui airport? You're just keenly critical. I'm keenly critical. That's right. That skirt could use an ironing, sweet pea. Anyway. Great 70s action stuff. Keenly critical. And you are missing some scalp polish, mister.

Sanoin Mattille, että menemme menemään, menemme Fresnoon ja Sacramentoon, ja se on minä, August ja Mike Lynch, ja vittua, me emme pysty, me menemme koko ajan, pysymme yli, pysymme yhden yön, Sacramentoon, ja menemme menemään. Minä sanoin, että menemme menemään seuraavan päivän, ja minä sanoin, että kiva auto tehdä tätä, se olisi kiva.

Minulla on Porsche Panamera. Ja tämä on kaunis, kaunis autobahn. Vihreä, vihreä ruotsalainen vihreä. Ja tämä auto, haluan nähdä... En tiedä, mitä sinä puhut. Haluan nähdä jotain statsia tästä autosta.

Se on minun pointtini. Ja tiedän, että on erilaisia versioita. Kerro minulle S. Minä otan S. Nyt, syy, miksi minulla on radardetektori, on se, että kun lopetan esiintyminen Sacramentoissa... Katsotaan, teemme 8.00-luvun esiintyminen, lopetan noin 9.45, kirjoitan kirjoja, otan kuvia, pakkaan jotain, ja olemme autossa, jos on onnistumassa, 11.00. Pidämme sen.