Christopher Titus

No time for backup! Gotta get it now, jumping from roof to roof. That's right. Well, listen, this couldn't have come at a worse time, because affected bands are scrambling to replace their instruments before Saturday's 38th annual Margie Band and Drill Team Championships. Because the copper, you know, like the copper stuff, like everyone's pulling out copper wiring and copper pipes.

I know guys who work downtown and they get their aluminum ladders stolen and stuff. Really? Well, if you think about it, you see a guy walking around and he's picking one aluminum Pepsi can at a time out of garbage. Can weighs, you know, what, .00 whatever ounces. Now you pick up a 20-foot aluminum extension ladder that weighs 200 pounds. How many Pepsi cans is that? Take it to the recycling center? Yeah, where do you take it? I guess so.

You know, here's the whole thing about the dudes who work at the recycling center. Not chatty. Not a lot of questions. Just keep throwing it into the grinder. It just goes right into the cauldron there. Got another tuba. There's a couple more ladders. That's right. And by the way, let's blow out that spit valve before we weigh it this time. We've been burned before. You son of a bitch. Fill it with kitty litter. Come on.

Kertoisitko isäsi, ettei hän jätä trompetin pois? Hän voisi tulla seuraavaksi trompetille. Hän nukkuu siitä. Meidän täytyy ottaa leikkiä näistä instrumentteista. Mikä on musiikki? Haluan kuulla tämän. Onko meillä jotain? Jos voimme löytää. Te olette harjoittaneet sitä viimeisen 10 minuutin aikana. Olen varma, että se on yllättävää. Olen varma, että se on todella yllättävää. Tuuba-based. Tämä ei ole niin huono. Oikein? Onko tämä se?

Tämä on liittyvä polkaan. Tämä on tullut populaarinen nyt. Minä sanon sinulle, että he eivät tykkää. He yrittävät mennä meidät alas maan. Tämän kanssa. Tämä on se, mitä he soittavat. Eivätkö he soittaa tämän, kun he menivät Koreshille? He soittavat tämän vain ulkopuolelta. Brantstavidian komponentin ulkopuolelta. Tämä on se, miksi he eivät saa ilmastoprogrammia. Haluatko tietää, miksi he eivät saa ilmastoprogrammia? Lähetä se. Lähetä se.

Tämä saattaa auttaa minua ilmaisemaan. Koska tästä musiikista ei voi tehdä mitään. Kaikki, mitä voit tehdä on nukkua ja yrittää kivittää sitä. Et voi tehdä mitään tarkkauksia. Et voi tehdä mitään. Et voi tehdä mitään. Et voi tehdä mitään. Et voi tehdä mitään. Et voi tehdä mitään. Et voi tehdä mitään.

No, God knows. I could barely beat off. I mean, I don't think I could even beat off to this. No, I could even, you know. No. It's making me hate my dick. Yes, I hate Titus's cock more than I ever did. It's making me hate your dick too. See, there you go. And I was at a nine when he walked in tonight.

It's fucking obnoxious. Listen, it's just fucking retarded music. Let's just call it bad. Can we just call it bad? Can we stop with all the, hey, it's a cultural thing. We can agree that there's differences in cultures that are good and differences that are bad, right? This is shit music. It's fucking annoying. No one here is going to play it without tubas. It's basically the last thing you'd ever want to hear when you had a hangover.

Shut it down. Beef up that fucking border. Please, people. Please, let's fucking beef up that border so we don't have to have our brains poisoned. Hey, said it once, said it again. They do that thing all the time where they go, classical music. When my wife was pregnant with my twins, there was a whole lot of, play the classical music. It makes them smarter. They've done tests that say the kids have a higher, they test better. All right, if there is a music that makes you smarter...

Then there's a music that makes you dumber. It's not just all music that makes you smarter and then no music that makes you dumber. This music makes you fucking retarded. Let's put an end to it. So what you're saying is the socioeconomic problems that the minorities currently face in this country, especially on the Latino side, is based entirely on this tuba music. Let's pump in some classical and see if the test scores go up. A little bit.

Just fucking a little baby Mozart. Instead of baby mariachi. Just try and experiment. Instead of the fucking most annoying shit music in the world. And the reason I'm pissed is people go, oh, well, so what? It's not your culture. I'm fucking deluged by this shit. Every construction site I've ever worked on, every time I drive past a fucking gardener's truck, this shit is cranking. Every time you go sombrero shopping. Oh, man. I go down to Alvera Street, by the way. We need Alvera Street. Jesus Christ.

Alvera Street. Alvera Street used to be, hey, it's a little slice of Mexico right in downtown LA. Do we need that anymore? No. No. All right. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Dip it, cunt. Thank you.

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Music is so fucking grating. Hey, Discount Tire. Love me some Discount Tire. Titus, you know Discount Tire and America's Tire. I know the guys that work there are going to be a little pissed about the whole music thing you just did. Well, listen, they're going to have to change the station when the ace man shows up to get some new racing tires thrown on his BBS rims. Oh yeah, that is a nice rim.

Ja se on kiva tyyli. Ja heillä on minun tyyliäni. Ja heillä on sinun tyyliäsi. Heillä on discount-tyyli Amerikassa. Ja heillä on Facebook-kontesti. Haluatko tulla tänne? Haluatko jatkaa meitä? Haluatko kuunnella minulle tubemusikin? Miten menee? Tule L.A. viikonloppuun. Tule minulle.

This trip includes round trip airfare for two. Two nights at a hotel. 500 bucks. Jesus. Spending money. That is good cash. Plus tickets to the Peterson Museum. I got a car over there. You can go say hi to it. Stay on the other side of the velvet rope.

Ja myös voit tulla takaisin täältä. Voit tulla kaupunkiin ja katsoa studioa. Pitäkää meissä. Tule facebook.com.discounttire.com tai meidän siteemme ja pysy katsomassa. Hyvät aamut. Mitä autoja on Petersonissa?

Minulla on Lamborghinia. Minulla on vihreä Mura. Hyvää autoa. Minulla oli yliopiston auto. En tykkäytynyt siitä. Tämä auto ei olisi koskaan oltu tehty, jos Ranchera-musiikkia ei olisi ollut. Kaikki olisivat nukkuneet ja laittaneet ympärillä.

That car would not exist. Do you understand? A car exists because classical music exists. Please wake up, people, and start judging. Christopher Titus, the DVD box set. Get a real job, numb nuts. I couldn't agree more. Includes all four stand-up specials over six hours. The website, ChristopherTitus.com. The podcast, TitusPodcast.com. And if you want to support the show, go to Amazon, baby.

Click through. And if you're going to Amazon doing a little Christmas shopping, how about you click through our website and hit the banner. So, until next time, this is Adam Crawford, Paul Brine, Christopher Titus and Alison Rosen saying mahalo.