Coleman Ruiz

I thought about it one day.

It was, I mean, sort of like the classic symptoms.

Andrew, I was up all night sweating and shaking.

And it's back to the shock of it.

It was, okay.

I actually was able to, like, one of two things is happening.

Either I am fundamentally bad.

There's no way you can feel this bad and be good.

So one of two things is happening.

Like I'm just bad, a bad person, which I know is not true or something bad got inside of me that I have to get rid of and I don't know how to get rid of it.

And so sweating, shaking, you know, up at three in the morning and legitimately thinking this is just the scariest thing.

And for anybody in the situation, um,

you think with every ounce of your being that people are better off without you.

And then somehow, thankfully through chemistry, neurobiology, past learnings, I stepped back away from that very quickly.

But the feeling of putting me up to that line didn't go away.

I just intellectually was able to

It's kind of where the maladaptive behaviors, you know, back to training work in your favor, which is I'm not quitting.

Like this can't be just me, even though it did feel like just you.

I mean, you suddenly become the core of the entire existence of the universe.

You think like you're it, you know, but in the negative side of it, not the negative.