Dan Savage

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Helix offers models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. Plus, they have enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night, which is very important for me because everybody I sleep with...

are people who turn into furnaces at night, and I need that help from Helix to keep from overheating myself too. Right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free dream pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

are people who turn into furnaces at night, and I need that help from Helix to keep from overheating myself too. Right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free dream pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash savage. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. helixsleep.com slash savage. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

diagnosis of neurodivergency, a self-diagnosis of being neurodivergent, is not a get out of fucking absolutely everything free card. It doesn't relieve somebody of the burden, the reasonable expectation that they will attempt to meet their partner's reasonable emotional and social needs. And I say that as somebody who is very deeply introverted.

diagnosis of neurodivergency, a self-diagnosis of being neurodivergent, is not a get out of fucking absolutely everything free card. It doesn't relieve somebody of the burden, the reasonable expectation that they will attempt to meet their partner's reasonable emotional and social needs. And I say that as somebody who is very deeply introverted.

I am awkward in large groups of people unless I have a job to do. I used to get invited to this annual Christmas party at a restaurant I used to work at. And if I had to sit there at the table with everybody, I was a mess. And so I would go and wait tables at this place. I used to wait tables at the Christmas party because if I had something to do... I was comfortable being in this large group.

I am awkward in large groups of people unless I have a job to do. I used to get invited to this annual Christmas party at a restaurant I used to work at. And if I had to sit there at the table with everybody, I was a mess. And so I would go and wait tables at this place. I used to wait tables at the Christmas party because if I had something to do... I was comfortable being in this large group.

And so I feel for your partner. I don't know. I've never been diagnosed as neurodivergent, but I get it. I get why he may have felt uncomfortable accompanying you to this big event to celebrate whatever that accomplishment of yours was. And you wanted him there for you at that moment and he couldn't be there for you. And you were prepared to break up with him because you had decided that

And so I feel for your partner. I don't know. I've never been diagnosed as neurodivergent, but I get it. I get why he may have felt uncomfortable accompanying you to this big event to celebrate whatever that accomplishment of yours was. And you wanted him there for you at that moment and he couldn't be there for you. And you were prepared to break up with him because you had decided that

and I'm quoting you here, no amount of communication is going to create a relationship where both of our needs are going to be met. Okay, well, that stands. That can still be true, even if the ways in which he's incapable of meeting your needs stem back or are tied to whatever it is that makes him neurodivergent and prompted him to self-diagnose as neurodivergent. That's not a trump card.

and I'm quoting you here, no amount of communication is going to create a relationship where both of our needs are going to be met. Okay, well, that stands. That can still be true, even if the ways in which he's incapable of meeting your needs stem back or are tied to whatever it is that makes him neurodivergent and prompted him to self-diagnose as neurodivergent. That's not a trump card.

That doesn't end the conversation. You are not now trapped in this relationship because leaving him would mean discriminating against him about something that he has no control over. People leave people all the time for reasons tied to something that person has no control over because whatever it might be, is resulting in the relationship not being satisfying, not working for you.

That doesn't end the conversation. You are not now trapped in this relationship because leaving him would mean discriminating against him about something that he has no control over. People leave people all the time for reasons tied to something that person has no control over because whatever it might be, is resulting in the relationship not being satisfying, not working for you.

And somebody doesn't get to turn on their heel and say, you're about to break up with me because I'm an introvert, but I'm an introvert because I'm neurodivergent. You are no longer therefore allowed to leave me ever. You have to spend the next 50 years with me. And you're not allowed to ask me to do anything about this.

And somebody doesn't get to turn on their heel and say, you're about to break up with me because I'm an introvert, but I'm an introvert because I'm neurodivergent. You are no longer therefore allowed to leave me ever. You have to spend the next 50 years with me. And you're not allowed to ask me to do anything about this.

You're not allowed to ask me to try to make any changes or get help or work on this because I self-diagnosed as neurodivergent. So I win. No, that's not how relationships work. And if he wants to be with you, you're allowed to say, these are my needs. This is what I need from a romantic partner. And I've invested two years in this relationship. And maybe we can get a little bit closer.

You're not allowed to ask me to try to make any changes or get help or work on this because I self-diagnosed as neurodivergent. So I win. No, that's not how relationships work. And if he wants to be with you, you're allowed to say, these are my needs. This is what I need from a romantic partner. And I've invested two years in this relationship. And maybe we can get a little bit closer.

Maybe if more of my needs were being met, or I saw you making an effort to meet more of my needs, I would feel safe, content, seen, cared for in this relationship. And then nobody gets everything they want out of a relationship. No one gets every need met. And if I was getting enough and some effort to meet a little more, maybe I'd be content and want to stay, but right now I don't want to stay.

Maybe if more of my needs were being met, or I saw you making an effort to meet more of my needs, I would feel safe, content, seen, cared for in this relationship. And then nobody gets everything they want out of a relationship. No one gets every need met. And if I was getting enough and some effort to meet a little more, maybe I'd be content and want to stay, but right now I don't want to stay.