Dan Savage

And so the side guy that was kind of forcing the issue because you live in a small town.

And so the side guy that was kind of forcing the issue because you live in a small town.

Is no longer necessarily forcing the issue. Does your husband know that you were fucking somebody and breaking the rules? No, he doesn't.

Is no longer necessarily forcing the issue. Does your husband know that you were fucking somebody and breaking the rules? No, he doesn't.

Well, that's usually my gig is to cut people off who are trying to say something. I'm usually the one who doesn't let anybody get a word in edgewise. So your husband gave you permission to get sex outside your sexless marriage. Is your marriage completely sexless and companionate or is there sex sometimes?

Well, that's usually my gig is to cut people off who are trying to say something. I'm usually the one who doesn't let anybody get a word in edgewise. So your husband gave you permission to get sex outside your sexless marriage. Is your marriage completely sexless and companionate or is there sex sometimes?

Because one of his rules was that you can have a tryst, has to be out of town, and you have to get tested after. You guys aren't fucking. Why does that matter to him besides hopefully a loving concern for your health?

Because one of his rules was that you can have a tryst, has to be out of town, and you have to get tested after. You guys aren't fucking. Why does that matter to him besides hopefully a loving concern for your health?

Okay, so I'm really torn because there's two conflicting kind of interests here. Your interest in being able to fuck somebody, which is... These are roadblocks. If it has to be a tryst, it has to be out of town. How often do you get out of town? How easy would it be for you to arrange a tryst if you were suddenly out of town with a stranger?

Okay, so I'm really torn because there's two conflicting kind of interests here. Your interest in being able to fuck somebody, which is... These are roadblocks. If it has to be a tryst, it has to be out of town. How often do you get out of town? How easy would it be for you to arrange a tryst if you were suddenly out of town with a stranger?

And how actually dangerous would it be for you to arrange a tryst with somebody that you didn't get to know and vet through the getting to know process, which is really important for women and women's safety when planning on being alone together in a room with a man. Yeah.

And how actually dangerous would it be for you to arrange a tryst with somebody that you didn't get to know and vet through the getting to know process, which is really important for women and women's safety when planning on being alone together in a room with a man. Yeah.

And so the tryst and out of town makes it really complicated, you know, a higher degree of difficulty for you to actually fuck somebody else. Yeah. And yet your husband's concern about not wanting it to be in town because living in a small town, that's valid because one of the things often people in sexless, uh,

And so the tryst and out of town makes it really complicated, you know, a higher degree of difficulty for you to actually fuck somebody else. Yeah. And yet your husband's concern about not wanting it to be in town because living in a small town, that's valid because one of the things often people in sexless, uh,

relationships in relationships that are socially monogamous, what they want is not to be publicly humiliated. They don't want everybody in town to know that you're having an affair or fucking other people and to look at them with scorn or pity because they think they're fools because everybody knows but them, which can happen in a small town.

relationships in relationships that are socially monogamous, what they want is not to be publicly humiliated. They don't want everybody in town to know that you're having an affair or fucking other people and to look at them with scorn or pity because they think they're fools because everybody knows but them, which can happen in a small town.

So it seems to me that you and your husband need to have another conversation where you articulate these competing interests. Your interest in actually getting to have sex with somebody, which is complicated to the point of it may never happen if it has to be an out-of-town tryst.

So it seems to me that you and your husband need to have another conversation where you articulate these competing interests. Your interest in actually getting to have sex with somebody, which is complicated to the point of it may never happen if it has to be an out-of-town tryst.

And his interest in not being publicly humiliated in your small town by rumors going around and people looking at him like he's a fool or an idiot. Yeah. And so, how do you figure out something that can work for both of you, that makes it possible for you to have sex, not just in theory, but in practice, without risking humiliating him?

And his interest in not being publicly humiliated in your small town by rumors going around and people looking at him like he's a fool or an idiot. Yeah. And so, how do you figure out something that can work for both of you, that makes it possible for you to have sex, not just in theory, but in practice, without risking humiliating him?