Dave Chappelle

His first poem is called Fuck Ashton Kutcher.

Fuck Ashton Kutcher, the public image butcher.

His shows are hitting, I can't stand that shit.

I don't even know him and I hate his guts.

If he punks me, I won't sign the release because whenever he punks black people, it always involves the police.

He be having all them white folks at home rolling, Brandy.

Did you know that that jewelry was stolen?

But hey, I'm a star.

Well, stop shining and get your ass out that car.

Now, he wouldn't like it if me and my friends, just before dawn, busted his house with some ski masks on, put a gun in his mouth, and turned on the lights, and just when he screams out, yell out, sigh!

Can you sign this release?

I want to entertain people with your fear, you punk bitch.

Thank you.

And Bill Maher, the famous comedian.

I've known Bill since I was like 18, 19 years old, and I've never said this publicly.

Not that I need to say it.

These motherfuckers act like because I did a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia, I somehow betrayed my principles.

Well, no, no, I know I didn't.

I know.

They said, well, Saudi Arabia killed a journalist.