David DeSteno

All things that basically increase your virtue.

And I can go on and on, but there are all these practices that by altering our mental states and our bodies,

push us toward the things that help us lead more fulfilling, meaningful lives.

Let's touch on that.

I mean, you mentioned loss.

That's one thing that cuts across everybody, no matter what.

what your SES is or where you live, you will probably lose somebody you love at some point.

And what's one thing that all religions do when people die?

We eulogize them, right?

And that seems normal, but if you think about it, it's really weird.

Because if my wife, who I love, just left me or I lost a job that I love, I wouldn't want to spend a lot of time thinking about how great that was.

Because it would increase the pain all the more.

But there's work by George Bonanno, who is one of the nation's leading bereavement researchers at Columbia, that shows one of the biggest predictors of how well we can move through grief.

And by how well, I mean, can we move through it quickly enough and with not too much intensity so that we experience it, but it doesn't become debilitating to us.

The ability to consolidate a positive memory of the person who has passed is one of the biggest predictors of whether or not you can do that.

Tell me what you mean by consolidate.

Most people, when you think about them, if you know them well, have good parts and bad parts, things that they have done that you value, things that they have done that you don't.

But to the extent that you can take the good parts of the memories of someone who you value, who has passed,

And create a story and a narrative for them as being a good person, being a valuable part of your life.

Dealing with those negative interactions you may have had with them, coming to peace with them and seeing them as valuable and positive predicts you coming to peace with their departure.