David Lucas

Thank you. Yeah. All right. Hey, that Ditty shit was crazy, man. That motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil. That gotta be the craziest way to get raped, you know what I'm saying? This mad motherfucker massage you into the rape and you wake up the next day. I hate I never was able to go to a Diddy party. Because I know them hors d'oeuvres were off the chain, you know what I'm saying?

Like Diddy would've got me with the food. I would've been at that bitch eating exotic cheese. It's like, y'all said this was ostrich? I would have ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of his robes on. Dancing. Like, a thousand bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, bro. It is. Like, Diddy had so much oil at his house that Biden ordered a drone strike.

Like, I feel if you got a thousand bottles of anything, you should go to prison, no questions asked. You know what I mean? A thousand bottles of black pepper. Take your ass to prison. Tony was probably at the prison with bail money to get Diddy out. But I ain't gonna lie, though, bro. I swear to God, I would buy a bottle of baby oil by Ciroc. You know what I'm saying? Like, cherry flavor.

Or as black people call it, red. You know what I'm saying?

Nigga, if Trump would have lost, you would have had to sell that pussy, nigga, your ass. You would have started a new OnlyFans called Phil Tony. You know what I'm saying?

You got Rick Glassman up in this bitch. Yeah. Young Howard Stern looking ass nigga. Boy, what the fuck?

Jeff Dye? I thought that nigga from One Direction killed himself. Why the fuck are you here? What the fuck are you doing here, bitch? That guy was really hot, though. I don't understand the joke. But you hot. You like 1987 hot. You know what I'm saying?

This nigga look like he just bet $100,000 on Seabiscuit. Yo ass.

Rick Glassman look like he sit down to pee, motherfucker. You look like the type of nigga who take tissue and pat his dick hole when he done peeing. Yeah, you look like a fucking idiot. Hey, shut your ass up, you bitch ass niggas. You got a motherfucking heart on your shirt, nigga. What the fuck? Look at Rick Glassman, boy. Your ass goofy than a motherfucking boy.

That nigga spilled his box water.

I've been on the tour like a motherfucker. I got too many kids. Nigga, I got to go shoot. You do.

You gonna fuck my pussy up, nigga? What you talking about? I don't even know what you talking about.

I miss Tony, bro. I miss you like a motherfucker, bro. I'm glad to see you doing good. When I see you out there at that motherfucking Trump shit, I was happier than a motherfucker. I'm like, I can't believe Trump let gays speak for him, right?

I was like, how is Tony gay? All them Puerto Rican men, he's fucked. That's what he called a booty hole, garbage.

That nigga Rick Glassman look like he got a Pokemon collection. That motherfucker... Look like he got a $10,000 Pokemon card.

I just want to slap this nigga. I don't know. Tony? Jeff Dye. Nigga, get on Jeff Dye, motherfucking ass. Boy, you out here with the haircut of a single white mother. Boy, your ass... You look like a white mother from a divorce that's doing well for herself now. She got a job in finance, raising her three kids, right? Now do Rick again.

That's the problem. I miss you, dog. I just want to hear the setup, and I'm going to laugh, bro. You can't. Is that your mouth or your asshole? I can't tell. What's that? Where's the noise coming from?

I know when you fart, it sound like a rescue horn. Nigga, that shit. Ooh, ooh.

Now that Trump is elected, is the view still a thing? What are they going to complain about now?

Rick, put your motherfucking hand down, bitch. I have one. I know you probably got a podcast with a fucking tranny as the co-host.

Gay eye for the straight guy? I don't fucking know.

You gotta take that dumbass sweater off, nigga.

Rick Glassman.

Rick Glassman, you look like you got a peanut allergy, nigga, your ass. He does. That motherfucker died from Chick-fil-A, nigga. He does.

Rick Glassman, nigga, I'm a force, bitch. That motherfucking L.A. shit, you know what I'm saying?

Go ahead. No, no, you drink box water.

This nigga's stupid. Don't call me that. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Rick Glassman is a fucking... He's a fucking dumbass, bro.

Yeah. I'm sick of this body positivity shit. They tried to make it real popular a few years ago with Lizzo. And even she was tired of being a fat bitch. She lost weight. They tried to make us start feeling bad for fat people again this year. And I'm a fat person. I don't think the world should accommodate big back motherfuckers, you know?

Y'all saw that shit where that fat ass girl tried to sue Uber because she couldn't fit in the car? It's like, bitch, you know you ordered the wrong size Uber. You should've ordered a tow truck, you know. You can't let nobody that size get in your car. That bitch get in your car, you're fucking oil light, come on, man.

If she would've tried to get into my car, I would've turned into a Japanese granddaddy. I'd be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Too big. You pig-sized. I love Nashville. It's full of white women. Yeah. I feel like if I don't fuck white women, then Martin Luther King died in vain. All right, that's my tie. Thank you.

Look at Tony, nigga, you got on Netflix without showing your pussy. I'm surprised. I was like, I know they gonna have this nigga topless on the first episode.

You got on that shit that can't get wet, Tony, so we don't know if you sweating.

David's been up to the house. Yeah, I've been to your house, Kid Rock. You a part of your motherfucker, bro. You actually look dehydrated today, nigga, somebody. He was at the house last night.

Goddamn, Tony. You're the only nigga that took his pants off when he walked into Kid's Rock House. I got asses out.

Oh, bro, Nashville is dope, bro. I got to hang out with Kid Rock and Mark Norman last night. We was in that bitch till 5 a.m., dog. You know what I'm saying?

Kid Rock is the most partying motherfucker, and we found out he only has two jokes. that he says all night, nigga. Look at him. Kid Rock, you need an IV, nigga? You don't look all right, bruh. You look like David Spade with AIDS. Fucking hell of a week. Kid Rock look like the Timu version of Randy Johnson. I look like fucking Brad Armpit.

Hey, you look like one of them things we used to have as a kid where you got to drop it in water for it to expand, nigga. You look dehydrated, nigga. Your ass need a sip of water. Somebody bring this nigga a liquid IV, man. I don't... Like white trash Ellen. Tony was the only girl to come to Kids Rock house and not get fucked.

Couple of more beers, boy, them goddamn cowboy boots would have been on the side.

No, can I tell the joke? Can I tell the joke driving up to Kid Rock's house? Sure. All right, if I tell it, it's not racist. All right. So, I'm the only black person in this suburb and driving up to Kid Rock's Southern Mansion, right? And I noticed that I was the only black person after we had to enter a gate and wind around a curve. And I'm like, damn, there ain't no other niggas in the car.

Y'all can do whatever y'all want to me right now. And Tony was like, we actually brought you to fight his other one. Yeah.

Mark, you got on Capri Pants, nigga. Shut your ass up. You got your ankles out like Heidi, nigga. What the fuck happened to you?

Tony, shut the fuck up, nigga. You look like you about to assassinate a nigga with the pressure coming out of your ass. I put a 7.62 round in that ass, boy. You can shoot a nigga from a half a mile away. I know it. It'd be silent. All you hear is... Nigga, drop dead, bro. Oh, what a wild time. I thought Kid Rock was gonna talk more shit tonight.

I don't drink before a show, so I'm a little... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This nigga Hart don't start beating till tequila touches his tongue.

I knew it. I knew it. Boy, you got skid marks on the front of your drawers, nigga. Tony, you look like the type of man that let other people fart in your pants. I don't know what it means, but it was funny.

Tony looking like the type of nigga to get in bed with a big T-shirt and a bowl of ice cream.

Hell yeah. It's like we're sitting on the opposite sides of the car. Kid Rock. That's my nigga. What's up, Bobby?

Yeah.

Mark, don't get that man in trouble. He don't give a fuck. Kid Rock's the only white person to put the N-word on an album, and nobody says shit. That's how badass he is.

But that makes you free, dog. You ain't like the rest of these gay-ass artists that can't even sleep at night. You're free. It's true.

Mark looked like he would've owned the only tranny slave plantation. A plantation full of RuPaul's.

You know what time it is.

This is Kill Tony. Oh, wow. Thank you, guys. My name's Lucas. I just moved to Austin recently. I've been dating a little bit since I got out here. Most recently, I was in a relationship with a non-binary person. Yeah, someone who identifies as they, them. And it was cool, you know? We had a good relationship.

I will say the hardest part about dating a they, them is we would get into arguments and I didn't know if I could hit them. You know? Yeah, like, tell me which one you are. Are you a boy or a girl? You know? Can I hit you? Or can we have a beer and watch the football game? What are we... What are we doing? Thank you, guys. A little bit about my name's Lucas Hinderleiter.

People often, when they hear my name, they'll say things like, oh, Hinderleiter, that's a pretty German name. That sounds like a Nazi's name. Yeah, and that's when I tell them it was actually. Yeah. My grandpa.

Uh, gas station.

Yeah, I thought it was black. Turns out it was green.

This is George from Walmart.

No, he fought in Vietnam.

Yeah, made all the Jews he killed really confusing. Yeah, that makes sense.

I don't really, man. I don't really like this place. Wow. You miss St. Louis? Well, I lived in New York before I moved here. New York City. Yeah. And you prefer New York City. I like it.

I like the energy, man. I don't know. I like, you know, you wake up, there's people walking around. It makes you want to get out of bed.

No, I live pretty north, though.

Wow.

No, my grandmother was British. Okay, so that's... She said things funny. Yeah, she said things funny, yeah.

I get Irish a lot, yeah. I also get people telling me I'm not red-headed. People tell me I'm blonde. I don't know.

What do you do for work, Hinderlighter? I sell motorcycles. I'm a motorcycle salesman. I sold your producer a motorcycle.

Yeah.

I sold him his motorcycle.

When I sold him that bike, he told me not to tell you. He told me not to bring it up. Really? Yeah, he was like... Because I told him I was a comic and I signed up and he was like, if you get on, don't bring this up.

Uh, I mostly just ride motorcycles. It's like, yeah.

Yeah.

I hit a deer like two years ago. You hit a deer on a motorcycle? Yeah. Oh, what happened, guy? There's the sound of a deer. Yeah, I was going like 45. I broke all my ribs on this side. Wow. I don't care about you. What'd you do to the deer? Yeah. Dude, I split that motherfucker in half, and so... My dad had a couple drinks, he rode up next to me. He said, I can't stop, I'm gonna get a DUI.

And he kept riding. So now I'm laying next to this... I'm laying next to the deer. We're both dying. What? And we're just watching each other take our last breaths.

That's me. I'm the gay deer. Okay. So you're looking to ride with him?

So you're looking to cruise. You're not looking to go fast? Yeah, I'm a cruiser. Cruiser? Okay. All right. What should I get? Harley, for sure. Yeah, that's what all the gay guys get.

Tony, for you, realistically, I'm talking real, Tony Hinchcliffe, I think you need... I'm 6'5". Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You need a Rebel 500. That's what you need. Look it up. Okay.

Okay. He's clapping over here.

I don't know. It's kind of just a bland, normal, like nothing special about it bike. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? It's like, you know, it's every girl's starter bike.

Yeah Thank you, thank you Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby Doo? It's like, I knew it was you. She's like, I would've got away with it if it wasn't for you kids. I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off, but that shit changed her DNA, you know what I'm saying?

Because when you snatch the wig off, the eyebrows come with it. My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off. I snatched her wig off and I called the cops on that hoe. I'm like, hey, it's a hood nigga in my bathroom. Somebody's uncle just went in my closet.

But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her natural face. Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live. What the fuck? If I knew that shit was terminal, I would have never cheated on your ass. All right, that's my time.

Tony. Uh-oh. You look like a gay nigga going through a divorce. Yes. That motherfucker got his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half. Including the dildo. This is your half. What's up, Tony? I like that look.

We know what you split in half.

That ass cheek, motherfucker. Oh, my God.

Goddamn, Tony, why you so red? Nigga, you got to stop letting your man abuse you. You up here looking like a ripe tomato, bitch, your ass. I'm going to throw it at the next bucket pool that don't do good. Why you so red?

But you know what a cucumber is. You fucking gay motherfucker. That nigga totally know what a sandwich pickle is. Look at him. He want one right now. That nigga smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick.

I just be missing Tony so much. Goddamn, what's up, Tony? Joe DeRosa?

That nigga look like the kid off of the Wild Thornberrys. Yep.

Joe, if you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead. You big-haired bitch. Water balloon-haired ass nigga. Get the fuck out of here. Look at that nigga head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron. Bitch, get your... It's true. It's true. That motherfucker look like an educated llama. Get your dumb ass. Look at that nigga head.

Joe DeRosa look like he got a football helmet on, boy. Big head ass. If you headbutt a nigga, it'll be a first degree homicide charge. Big head bitch. Goddamn, now you gotta take an aspirin with a bow and arrow.

How many boyfriends you got now?

Especially after that Trump shit, nigga. I know you got some motherfucking exotic niggas now, boy. Hell yeah. Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican niggas at his house.

Don't laugh at that shit, man. Fuck this nigga. Oh, yeah. Got him. Tony, I don't even know why you're a Republican, because you can't get abortions no more. What? You can't get no more abortions, nigga.

I might be, shit. That is incredible. Every time I nut in a bitch, I get pregnant.

Tony, you out here taking Zestosterone, bitch. What a gay-ass nigga.

Jordan Rosen, we gonna put your head on some Ozempic, bitch. Your head need to go on a slim fast diet, bitch. No, I'm sitting this out.

That motherfucker James looked like William Montgomery waking up from a 20-year coma. You shut your mouth. You shut your bitch mouth, David Lucas.

I want to wake that nigga up. Boy, it looks like somebody put your ass in the dryer, bitch. That motherfucker said, I got to be the Kill Tony in 30 minutes. Let me go in the dryer.

Yeah, a kangaroo raised you, you Australian bitch. Did you drive a Subaru here, you fucking lesbian? Get your ass out of here, James McCann. You look like a disheveled lesbian. Get your motherfucker.

Y'all ganging up on me now? Kind of like niggas gang up on Tony? Yeah, it's funny. Motherfucker. Joe DeRosa, go ahead. What's your hair got to say? I like to see you put on a baseball cap, nigga.

But Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers. You know what I'm saying? and your other snakes bite you, then you pray it off. All right, that wasn't that good. Yeah, don't try to get esoteric.

If I was his size, I'd be happy.

In America, you healthy, nigga.

I don't shop at Walmart, nigga. What the fuck is you talking about? Joe DeRosa look like he can only drive convertibles with that head, nigga. Or a fucking car with a swim roof. You just see his head poking out the top. If you see Joe DeRosa's head shadowed, that means we got 30 more days.

Ground DeRosa Day.

H-E-B is a good grocery store. It's fantastic. Yeah, it's a good grocery store.

I actually do groceries delivered to my house. Really?

You don't move around much? That's a surprise. If you get a headache, you're going to be in the hospital for three days.

I got a lot of tour dates for 2025. Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up.

So you will be seeing a lot of stuff from me and Tony in 2025. I can't wait for the world to see that. Yep. Yeah, just touring, doing shows. Thank you for everybody who has supported us.