Desi Lydic

Hey, when you got to go, you got to go.

It is now.

It is now.

Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. Before takeoff, here are a few ways our Muslim passengers can avoid terrifying their fellow travelers. Don't bring a bag on your flight because bags can have bombs in them. Instead, carry your possessions in your arms at all times. If you speak Arabic, don't. It's a scary language. But don't not speak either, because that's also super suspicious.

Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. Before takeoff, here are a few ways our Muslim passengers can avoid terrifying their fellow travelers. Don't bring a bag on your flight because bags can have bombs in them. Instead, carry your possessions in your arms at all times. If you speak Arabic, don't. It's a scary language. But don't not speak either, because that's also super suspicious.

Instead, memorize some common English phrases. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Be considerate to your non-Muslim seatmates. Give them fair warning before you make any movements with your hands. I'm about to buckle my seatbelt, not detonate a suicide vest.

Instead, memorize some common English phrases. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Be considerate to your non-Muslim seatmates. Give them fair warning before you make any movements with your hands. I'm about to buckle my seatbelt, not detonate a suicide vest.

And most important, please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit so that in the event of an angry mob, you'll know where to go with your parachute. Thank you, Muslims, for still somehow choosing Southwest.

And most important, please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exit so that in the event of an angry mob, you'll know where to go with your parachute. Thank you, Muslims, for still somehow choosing Southwest.

Well, thank you for asking. It started out so great. This morning, the random guy who usually yells, nice ass, instead yelled, I respect your nice ass. And this is why we march. So, yeah, I was feeling pretty good. I mean, at least until I saw this Barbie story.

Well, thank you for asking. It started out so great. This morning, the random guy who usually yells, nice ass, instead yelled, I respect your nice ass. And this is why we march. So, yeah, I was feeling pretty good. I mean, at least until I saw this Barbie story.

Oh, yeah, equally great role models. You could be a scientist who helps humanity, or you could design a YouTube algorithm that says, hey, kids, if you like Peppa Pig, you'll love QAnon.

Oh, yeah, equally great role models. You could be a scientist who helps humanity, or you could design a YouTube algorithm that says, hey, kids, if you like Peppa Pig, you'll love QAnon.

Yeah, I know. They're all so successful. those Barbies. them all. Yeah, it's bad enough Barbie was always hotter. Now she's smarter than me, too? I want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body, not my mind.

Yeah, I know. They're all so successful. those Barbies. them all. Yeah, it's bad enough Barbie was always hotter. Now she's smarter than me, too? I want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body, not my mind.

Well, no. I mean, not necessarily. But why can't we also have some mediocre Barbies who don't make us feel pressured? Right? Mediocrity. Not every Barbie has to be a girl boss. Let's have a Barbie who's a paralegal at a mid-sized law firm. Or one who works the lunch shift at a Just Salad. There is nothing wrong with Barbies who are just trying to make it through the day.

Well, no. I mean, not necessarily. But why can't we also have some mediocre Barbies who don't make us feel pressured? Right? Mediocrity. Not every Barbie has to be a girl boss. Let's have a Barbie who's a paralegal at a mid-sized law firm. Or one who works the lunch shift at a Just Salad. There is nothing wrong with Barbies who are just trying to make it through the day.

But aren't Barbies supposed to be aspirational? No. No, Marlon, they're not. Give me a Barbie who's okay with letting 5,000 emails pile up in her inbox, okay? The Barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt but knows she can still get another day out of it if she puts a blazer on top.

But aren't Barbies supposed to be aspirational? No. No, Marlon, they're not. Give me a Barbie who's okay with letting 5,000 emails pile up in her inbox, okay? The Barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt but knows she can still get another day out of it if she puts a blazer on top.

The Barbie who spends her Friday nights in bed binge-watching Vanderpump Rules, dunking carrot sticks into a jar of peanut butter, and letting her kids drive themselves to Taekwondo. For the love of God, stop judging me, Marlon.