TDS Time Machine | Air Travel

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition 22 min 7 speakers 6 chapters transcribed
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What are the worst trends in air travel today?

Trevor Noah 0:01
You're listening to Comedy Central. Ever since United Airlines got in trouble for upgrading a passenger to wrestling class, People have started paying close attention to how airlines treat customers. There have been many viral videos of crazy stuff that's happening on airplanes. In fact, they're thinking about starting an airlines for Worldstar Airlines, right? And basically what happens is you're just gonna choose your section, first class, economy, or McDonald's parking lot, and then if they have an emergency, phones drop down from the ceiling so that you can film yourself. Ah, Worldstar! For more on the trends in travel, we turn to senior travel correspondent, Ronny Chieng everybody.

How have viral videos changed our perception of flying?

Ronny Chieng (performing a bit) 0:50
Thanks, Trevor. Look, flying sucks, right? It's always sucked, but back in the day, we just couldn't record how much it sucked. Now with camera phones, we can relive those terrible moments forever.
News Reporter 1:01
This Delta pilot was actually caught hitting a passenger. Apparently trying to break up a fight between two passengers in a jetway.

What are the most shocking incidents involving passengers and crew?

News Reporter 1:09
American immediately suspended a flight attendant who allegedly ripped a stroller away from the mother, nearly striking the child in the process. Hey, bud. You do that to me and I'll knock you flat. Another disturbing airline incident caught on camera. Two passengers throwing punches at each other. The man in red yelled, you think I'm crazy? The government is crazy.
Ronny Chieng (performing a bit) 1:31
No, dude, you're crazy, all right? Who fights in a Hawaiian shirt? He's like the angriest guy at the luau. Why is there no umbrella in my pina colada? And what is this? Is this a new pre-flight routine? Here's your seatbelt, here are the exits. All right, now let's keep them off the belt, everybody. All right, well, it's still a good, clean fight. You think Detroit is tough? Try being in boarding zone five. Come on, people. We can't just keep fighting each other on airplanes. We have to come together and unite so we can fight other species.
News Reporter 2:03
A passenger stung by a scorpion. The United flight was heading from Houston to Calgary when the scorpion suddenly dropped from an overhead bin, landing on a passenger's head.

How do airlines handle unexpected animal encounters?

Ronny Chieng (performing a bit) 2:13
Why are we fighting desert animals in the sky? Okay, look, if a bird picks a fight with me, okay, maybe, right? But a scorpion, no, I'm not mentally prepared for that. And the worst part is when a scorpion stings me, I won't have the antidote because it's more than three ounces. Yeah. Right, so now I'm dead, like this rabbit.
News Reporter 2:41
United Airlines is dealing with another PR nightmare following the death of a giant rabbit. They've come up with a statement that the safety and well-being of all the animals that travel with us is of the utmost importance to United Airlines. What makes matters worse was that Simon was a promising rabbit. At 129 centimeters long, his father, Darius, holds the Guinness World Records for being the biggest rabbit.
Ronny Chieng (performing a bit) 3:07
Thanks a lot, United. You killed the Yao Ming of rabbits. Seriously, this is a professionally big rabbit.
Trevor Noah 3:15
It's like first ballot Hall of Fame rabbit. Jesus, Ronnie, I fly, but I didn't realize flying had gotten so bad, man. Is there anything that the airlines can do? Well, I'm glad you asked, Trevor, okay?
Ronny Chieng (performing a bit) 3:25
First of all, hey, airlines, stop overbooking flights, okay? Yeah. This is what you do, okay? You count the seats on your plane, and then you sell that number of tickets. That's it. Sorry, is that too difficult to understand? Okay, second thing, we don't need 20 websites searching each other for cheapest flights, okay? Just have one website, call it the cheapest flights. That's it. We go there, we get the cheapest flights. And if there's a delay, they should pay us. Okay, that's how it works. And if we crash in the ocean, yeah. And if we crash in the ocean, we need knives under our seats. Otherwise, we're just sitting there like chicken McNuggets for sharks.
Trevor Noah 4:08
You know, Ronnie, actually, speaking of helping this, I read that Congress is having hearings today, and Congress is gonna figure out a way to make a passenger bill of rights.

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