Dr. Becky Kennedy

So I went up to him on the couch and my husband, I remember watching me being like, what are you doing? And this is how I started. I go, I don't know if I can tell you this, which any kids would be like, I don't know if I can tell you this. When I was probably about seven, I did something really bad. That's what I said. And he was like, I can't even tell you.

So I went up to him on the couch and my husband, I remember watching me being like, what are you doing? And this is how I started. I go, I don't know if I can tell you this, which any kids would be like, I don't know if I can tell you this. When I was probably about seven, I did something really bad. That's what I said. And he was like, I can't even tell you.

So I went up to him on the couch and my husband, I remember watching me being like, what are you doing? And this is how I started. I go, I don't know if I can tell you this, which any kids would be like, I don't know if I can tell you this. When I was probably about seven, I did something really bad. That's what I said. And he was like, I can't even tell you.

He like every part of his anger like diffused. And you can really draw a kid in by just saying to them, And I go, okay. And this is true. I go, my sister was two. And she had these, like, oily stickers. And I really wanted them. And I asked my mom. And she said, no, we couldn't go to the store. No, those are, you know, my sister's stickers. And you're never going to guess what I did.

He like every part of his anger like diffused. And you can really draw a kid in by just saying to them, And I go, okay. And this is true. I go, my sister was two. And she had these, like, oily stickers. And I really wanted them. And I asked my mom. And she said, no, we couldn't go to the store. No, those are, you know, my sister's stickers. And you're never going to guess what I did.

He like every part of his anger like diffused. And you can really draw a kid in by just saying to them, And I go, okay. And this is true. I go, my sister was two. And she had these, like, oily stickers. And I really wanted them. And I asked my mom. And she said, no, we couldn't go to the store. No, those are, you know, my sister's stickers. And you're never going to guess what I did.

But that's not the worst part. He's like, what? And I go, my mom asked me if I took them. I knew I did, so you know what I told her? And he said, you told her yes? And I go, no. I told her no. And he literally goes, And I feel like in that moment what's happening is he's saying, like, so many things that you can never say didactically. Like, Mom, like, you're my mom. I love you.

But that's not the worst part. He's like, what? And I go, my mom asked me if I took them. I knew I did, so you know what I told her? And he said, you told her yes? And I go, no. I told her no. And he literally goes, And I feel like in that moment what's happening is he's saying, like, so many things that you can never say didactically. Like, Mom, like, you're my mom. I love you.

But that's not the worst part. He's like, what? And I go, my mom asked me if I took them. I knew I did, so you know what I told her? And he said, you told her yes? And I go, no. I told her no. And he literally goes, And I feel like in that moment what's happening is he's saying, like, so many things that you can never say didactically. Like, Mom, like, you're my mom. I love you.

I hold you on a pedestal. And, like, even you. did something that wasn't so great. There's like so much hope and goodness. And then I didn't, in that moment, I did not say, and you cannot say in these situations. So now you can tell me that you just have to like trust. Because I think the shame of the badness, shame freezes you, right? As an animal defense state, right? Shame freezes you.

I hold you on a pedestal. And, like, even you. did something that wasn't so great. There's like so much hope and goodness. And then I didn't, in that moment, I did not say, and you cannot say in these situations. So now you can tell me that you just have to like trust. Because I think the shame of the badness, shame freezes you, right? As an animal defense state, right? Shame freezes you.

I hold you on a pedestal. And, like, even you. did something that wasn't so great. There's like so much hope and goodness. And then I didn't, in that moment, I did not say, and you cannot say in these situations. So now you can tell me that you just have to like trust. Because I think the shame of the badness, shame freezes you, right? As an animal defense state, right? Shame freezes you.

So a kid who's lying to you is always in shame, right? And you can't get a kid to unfreeze and move to a different place of telling you the truth if you're adding more shame through fear. Like, the math doesn't work. But you can through stories. Now, true story, he did not right after that say, you know.

So a kid who's lying to you is always in shame, right? And you can't get a kid to unfreeze and move to a different place of telling you the truth if you're adding more shame through fear. Like, the math doesn't work. But you can through stories. Now, true story, he did not right after that say, you know.

So a kid who's lying to you is always in shame, right? And you can't get a kid to unfreeze and move to a different place of telling you the truth if you're adding more shame through fear. Like, the math doesn't work. But you can through stories. Now, true story, he did not right after that say, you know.

I was just like, I remember my husband who, okay, when he's saying this, he was like, we have to punish him. We have to, you know, we have to punish him. I was like, in the moment, that's going to feel very cathartic to us. That's what punishment does. It makes you feel very powerful. It makes you feel very cathartic. It doesn't work.

I was just like, I remember my husband who, okay, when he's saying this, he was like, we have to punish him. We have to, you know, we have to punish him. I was like, in the moment, that's going to feel very cathartic to us. That's what punishment does. It makes you feel very powerful. It makes you feel very cathartic. It doesn't work.

I was just like, I remember my husband who, okay, when he's saying this, he was like, we have to punish him. We have to, you know, we have to punish him. I was like, in the moment, that's going to feel very cathartic to us. That's what punishment does. It makes you feel very powerful. It makes you feel very cathartic. It doesn't work.

It just doesn't, especially not with kids who are strong-willed. I was like, just give it a couple days. It's probably a good three days later. And he brought me the puzzle pieces in a bag. And he just said, I took them. And he truly started crying. And I did not lecture him. I feel like the whole arc, the whole lesson had basically already happened. Honestly, like the day after.

It just doesn't, especially not with kids who are strong-willed. I was like, just give it a couple days. It's probably a good three days later. And he brought me the puzzle pieces in a bag. And he just said, I took them. And he truly started crying. And I did not lecture him. I feel like the whole arc, the whole lesson had basically already happened. Honestly, like the day after.