Dr. Becky Kennedy

is I am just as scared of this emotion you're feeling as you are. Wow.

I'm terrified. I want to run away from it. I want to do anything but this. And so what a kid's circuit is, I feel, let's say it's this, I feel less than, or it could be, I feel jealous. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. And what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents' fear, my parents' avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is when you make-

I'm terrified. I want to run away from it. I want to do anything but this. And so what a kid's circuit is, I feel, let's say it's this, I feel less than, or it could be, I feel jealous. I feel sad. I feel disappointed. And what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents' fear, my parents' avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is when you make-

happiness a goal of childhood, you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety because they have a range of emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful. And to me, anxiety actually isn't a feeling. It's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling.

happiness a goal of childhood, you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety because they have a range of emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful. And to me, anxiety actually isn't a feeling. It's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling.

And you can't really run away from a feeling inside your body. That's what anxiety is. You're like, wait, this is not going to win. And so to me, the idea of we want to help kids become resilient, resilience over happiness and resilience comes from being able to tolerate and sit with the widest range of emotions, not constrict ourselves.

And you can't really run away from a feeling inside your body. That's what anxiety is. You're like, wait, this is not going to win. And so to me, the idea of we want to help kids become resilient, resilience over happiness and resilience comes from being able to tolerate and sit with the widest range of emotions, not constrict ourselves.

That's right. Because like when I, you know, I always joke when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds. And not one of them came to my practice saying, Dr. Becky, like I had the best parents. And, you know, those emotions, other people feel like jealous and sad and like those hard things. I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them.

That's right. Because like when I, you know, I always joke when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds. And not one of them came to my practice saying, Dr. Becky, like I had the best parents. And, you know, those emotions, other people feel like jealous and sad and like those hard things. I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them.

I've never felt them again. Like that's never that obviously has never happened. But what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it was I am now 23. I'm now 45 and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than I was when I was a toddler. Wow. And but the stakes are higher.

I've never felt them again. Like that's never that obviously has never happened. But what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it was I am now 23. I'm now 45 and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than I was when I was a toddler. Wow. And but the stakes are higher.

Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way. It's still the goal. We're all working on it.

Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way. It's still the goal. We're all working on it.

That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I double down on that and say, I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious mindset. wish that they're going to heal us. Ooh. And they trigger us. Ooh. That's what happens when you have kids. So I say it again? We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us. And in reality, our kids trigger us.

That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I double down on that and say, I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious mindset. wish that they're going to heal us. Ooh. And they trigger us. Ooh. That's what happens when you have kids. So I say it again? We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us. And in reality, our kids trigger us.

Because I think in general, we all have the wish that something... in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for.

Because I think in general, we all have the wish that something... in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for.

And part of adulthood, I think, involves learning to gaze in, not from a place of it's my fault, but from a place of actually, like, I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself.

And part of adulthood, I think, involves learning to gaze in, not from a place of it's my fault, but from a place of actually, like, I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself.

The third thing I want parents to know, and, like, to me, this is... I should have said it's the first thing. I messed up my order.