Dr. Becky Kennedy

Another resilience building moment I can imagine is kind of like what I said to you earlier. Let's say your kid's a little older. I'm the only kid who doesn't know how to read chapter books or I'm the only one of my friends who didn't get into honors math.

Yeah, I'd say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it.

Yeah, I'd say that. I'm the only kid who didn't get into honors math. I tried out for the lacrosse team. All my kids, my friends made it.

Everyone, me included. Okay. My first instinct is to quote, make my kid feel better. Hmm. oh, you're gonna make it next year. Or you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer, right? Whatever the thing is. Or we say, you're gonna see it's not a big deal. Okay, so here's the image, I'm big on images.

Everyone, me included. Okay. My first instinct is to quote, make my kid feel better. Hmm. oh, you're gonna make it next year. Or you made varsity soccer and none of them made soccer, right? Whatever the thing is. Or we say, you're gonna see it's not a big deal. Okay, so here's the image, I'm big on images.

We say, right? Yeah. The truth is we kind of say it because we're uncomfortable and we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game. But like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden, that's what I like to see. That's like the parable for life, the garden. And there's a bench.

We say, right? Yeah. The truth is we kind of say it because we're uncomfortable and we're just kind of making a kid a pawn in our game. But like if you picture your kid on a bench and if you picture like them kind of in a garden, that's what I like to see. That's like the parable for life, the garden. And there's a bench.

And essentially when your kid says, I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team. let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it, disappointment, or maybe it's embarrassment, or both, or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know, it's something like that. That's the bench. And as parents, we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench of some type of distress.

And essentially when your kid says, I'm the only one who didn't make the lacrosse team. let's say they're sitting on the bench of, what is it, disappointment, or maybe it's embarrassment, or both, or feeling surprised and let down. I don't know, it's something like that. That's the bench. And as parents, we tend to have two instincts when our kid is on the bench of some type of distress.

We either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. Even though they're like, but I'm... But that's how I feel. But I'm on it. Or we kind of see a sunnier bench and we're like, just come with me, right? But like, you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right?

We either want to tell them that their bench isn't their bench. That's not a big deal. Even though they're like, but I'm... But that's how I feel. But I'm on it. Or we kind of see a sunnier bench and we're like, just come with me, right? But like, you're the best at, you know, at soccer. And so we're like, right?

And both of those reduce resilience because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it, not drown in it, but sit in it. Like, cause when you're there, you inevitably will be like, you're not terrified it. You're not spending all your energy, like running away from a bench.

And both of those reduce resilience because resilience is kind of like your ability in that garden of life to like whatever bench you find yourself on, you're able to sit in it, not drown in it, but sit in it. Like, cause when you're there, you inevitably will be like, you're not terrified it. You're not spending all your energy, like running away from a bench.

Like if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like what? Just, just a bench, you know? And so how do we help our kids? feel like essentially like it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on. Or it's really, it's okay to be you even when you don't make the lacrosse team. Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about.

Like if you saw that, you'd be like, dude, like what? Just, just a bench, you know? And so how do we help our kids? feel like essentially like it's okay to be them no matter what bench they're on. Or it's really, it's okay to be you even when you don't make the lacrosse team. Because that's really the essence. That's the core thing that resilience is about.

Great. So to me, these three lines will play that out. So to me, as soon as your kid says something distressing to you, we have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just, I always say, say hi to them. Hello, urge to make it better. And here to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

Great. So to me, these three lines will play that out. So to me, as soon as your kid says something distressing to you, we have those two urges. We have to recognize them. We're not bad people. Just, I always say, say hi to them. Hello, urge to make it better. And here to me is the first line every parent needs in their toolbox. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. Because, and again, if we think about it in an adult context, If I was like, I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever it is, he never is home for bedtime. And he forgot the one thing I said. And if I was like, hey, like, you're never doing anything around the house. And I am really frustrated.

That's right. I'm so glad we're talking about this. Because, and again, if we think about it in an adult context, If I was like, I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever it is, he never is home for bedtime. And he forgot the one thing I said. And if I was like, hey, like, you're never doing anything around the house. And I am really frustrated.

If he said to me, you know what, Becky, well, you're upset, but like, I'm so glad you're telling me about this. Like, you know, relationships, I'd be like, I think we're good now. Like, I don't even know what was I upset about. Because what someone's really saying to you when they say that is this feeling in you that you're feeling is real.