Dr. Becky Kennedy
speaker
3,434 appearances
7 recordings
6 series
first heard Feb 2024
last heard 18 Jun
Dr. Becky Kennedy’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 3 in all, peaking in Jun 2026 with 2.
Appearances
Where I think about this all the time, like my kid is hitting their brother or my kid lied to my face about something that, you know, is important. Like, I don't know whether they studied for a test, whatever the behavior is, right?
And I find out and I see them hitting and I just kind of send them to their room or I like take away their iPad or something, which I always say is like the worst thing. Because when you're a parent, it really is like now I have to deal with taking away their iPad. I don't even want to do that. I like when they have iPad time. Right, right, right. Nobody wins. Like why did I do that, you know?
But I think about a basketball coach and I think about a kid who is missing layups all the time. And I think about watching my kid's basketball coach, if that's my kid. And the coach is like, you go to your room and you come back here when you can make a layup. And I feel like all the parents would be like, Why, like, why would that even, what's the theory of why that would be effective?
Forget, like, what is my, you think my kid is now going to their room and Googling how to make a better shot? Like, yes, you might have to pull the kid out of the game, but you probably want to say, hey, like, this is not your game right now. I believe in you. And like, we're going to get in the gym tomorrow and get to the bottom of this and figure this out.
And if that was my kid's coach, I just don't know if the parents would say, that coach is really condoning bad behavior. They're really encouraging. That coach is making it seem like it's okay to mislead. It's like, it doesn't make any sense, but we actually have a system of doing that to our kids over and over. And then we wonder why. So many teens and adults feel so awful about themselves.
Well, when you reflect back to a kid that they're a bad kid, during the stage they're forming their identity, that will stick with them for a while.
And totally possible. To me, if there's one thing I ever want someone to take from anything I say is, it's never too late. It is never too late. Repair is amazing. It is never too late. The parent who's listening now is like, oh no, I guess I messed up my kid forever. You did not. By the way, I sometimes say bad things to my kids, too. We're human.
But to me, it's the starting point of, right, my kid is good inside. That's why everything we do is called that. And to me, that idea isn't just a phrase that sounds nice. To me, it's actually a core principle. that is very different from a punishment or fear-based approach, which is if I believe my kid is good inside, and I always find visuals helpful.
So I look at one hand, I'm like, this is my kid. This is who they are. That's their identity. And they are good inside. And then I look at my other hand very far away and say, like, this is their behavior. This is what they did. And I would agree with a lot of parents telling me, like, oh, they lied to your face? I would agree, like, not great behavior. They hit their sister?
Definitely not great behavior. But those things are different, and it's really important with your hands to keep them separate because you could then look at one hand and say, I have a good kid who hit their sister. And the only reason we want to punish and come down so harshly on our kids is because those hands collapse.
It's because I see the bad behavior and I don't even realize it's so fast in my brain, but immediately I assume I have a bad kid.
That is my kid. It's collapsed. And to me, I mean, good inside is more things, but everything else flows from the foundation of like actually separating behavior from identity, which I think you get this, but not everyone does. So it's important to name that doesn't mean anything. condoning the behavior. Like, trying to understand behavior, we think means approving of behavior.
But trying to understand why my kid is missing a layup, I don't think anyone thinks means that I think it's cool that my kid can't make a layup. They're different. But that separation is the foundation for everything.
Is it okay? I don't, for some reason, the reason mistakes that when I think about feels very like shame inducing. So, and it feels like final. So like what are the three things that I want to like myths or things I'd shift?
I think that would be number one. Number one is that trying to understand your kid's bad behavior is the foundation for effectively changing their behavior.
You can only change what you understand.
That's a great thing to acknowledge. I don't understand why you're doing this.
Stop doing it, right? And if a parent said to me, I'd be like, Louis, that is so beautiful. We know exactly where to start. And this goes back to not having the skills. Why would you understand a kid's behavior? It's very complicated. And so it would be like a surgeon saying, I don't understand how to do this surgery. And I'd be like, yeah, of course. Well, you don't go to medical school.
Let's get you into medical school. There are places where you can do that. Really. So we have to understand before we intervene.
Right? I think that's like a principle of everything.
Showing 1061–1080 of 3,434 · page 54 of 172
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