Dr. Becky Kennedy

When families have values that are very behavior-based, what ends up happening in the kids is they start to equate certain behaviors with morality. These are good behaviors that make me loved in my family, and these are bad behaviors that kind of make me feel like I'm not the right part of my family, and they even make me wonder, like, Am I lovable? Am I good inside after all? Am I worthy?

That's not good. Because whenever we tie behavior to identity, that's shame. And we've tried to motivate kids with shame for hundreds and hundreds of years. And it does not work and causes a lot of problems. I think another one, which is interesting, especially as my kids get older, I said this to my teen recently. I said, this is really tricky.

That's not good. Because whenever we tie behavior to identity, that's shame. And we've tried to motivate kids with shame for hundreds and hundreds of years. And it does not work and causes a lot of problems. I think another one, which is interesting, especially as my kids get older, I said this to my teen recently. I said, this is really tricky.

That's not good. Because whenever we tie behavior to identity, that's shame. And we've tried to motivate kids with shame for hundreds and hundreds of years. And it does not work and causes a lot of problems. I think another one, which is interesting, especially as my kids get older, I said this to my teen recently. I said, this is really tricky.

One of my jobs, as always, has been to create guidelines and rules with you. You know, it's always going to be kind of collaborative. Some, because of my authority, will be directive that I believe are going to keep you safe. I think this really relates to a phone. I want to tell you another part of my job that might sound contradictory, but I actually think we just need to hold them both at once.

One of my jobs, as always, has been to create guidelines and rules with you. You know, it's always going to be kind of collaborative. Some, because of my authority, will be directive that I believe are going to keep you safe. I think this really relates to a phone. I want to tell you another part of my job that might sound contradictory, but I actually think we just need to hold them both at once.

One of my jobs, as always, has been to create guidelines and rules with you. You know, it's always going to be kind of collaborative. Some, because of my authority, will be directive that I believe are going to keep you safe. I think this really relates to a phone. I want to tell you another part of my job that might sound contradictory, but I actually think we just need to hold them both at once.

Another part of my job is to be there for you when you inevitably go against those guidelines. And I want you to know that we have rules around what can and cannot be done online.

Another part of my job is to be there for you when you inevitably go against those guidelines. And I want you to know that we have rules around what can and cannot be done online.

Another part of my job is to be there for you when you inevitably go against those guidelines. And I want you to know that we have rules around what can and cannot be done online.

And I'll say this here, like, and like, if you do kind of become part of a really inappropriate text conversation, if there is bullying, if you do come across some images online that make you feel really uncomfortable and you're like, I shouldn't have seen that. You're not getting in trouble with me. I'm not going to throw you a party. I will be there for you to help you through those moments.

And I'll say this here, like, and like, if you do kind of become part of a really inappropriate text conversation, if there is bullying, if you do come across some images online that make you feel really uncomfortable and you're like, I shouldn't have seen that. You're not getting in trouble with me. I'm not going to throw you a party. I will be there for you to help you through those moments.

And I'll say this here, like, and like, if you do kind of become part of a really inappropriate text conversation, if there is bullying, if you do come across some images online that make you feel really uncomfortable and you're like, I shouldn't have seen that. You're not getting in trouble with me. I'm not going to throw you a party. I will be there for you to help you through those moments.

Those things sound contradictory. And in our family, we know two things can be true. And those are both true, right? To me, that's a really important thing for a teenager to know.

Those things sound contradictory. And in our family, we know two things can be true. And those are both true, right? To me, that's a really important thing for a teenager to know.

Those things sound contradictory. And in our family, we know two things can be true. And those are both true, right? To me, that's a really important thing for a teenager to know.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.