Dr. Daniel Amen

If you want to have influence with your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to be connected with them.

Time. Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that... You know, all the things I've recommended to my patients over the last 45 years, when I decided to be a psychiatrist 45 years ago. Special time. It's magic.

Time. Like actual physical time where you're not on your phone, but you put the phone away and you spend 20 minutes a day with a child. So there's an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that... You know, all the things I've recommended to my patients over the last 45 years, when I decided to be a psychiatrist 45 years ago. Special time. It's magic.

And 20 minutes a day, do something with your child. Child wants to do. That's reasonable. You can do in 20 minutes. So it's like, not take me to Nordstrom's. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time to be together. And it's money in the relational bank. And I remember when I first figured this out, my literary agent said, had a child later in life.

And 20 minutes a day, do something with your child. Child wants to do. That's reasonable. You can do in 20 minutes. So it's like, not take me to Nordstrom's. And during that time, no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time to be together. And it's money in the relational bank. And I remember when I first figured this out, my literary agent said, had a child later in life.

We were talking on the phone and he's like, my daughter, Laura, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And she's two. And he said, that's like a girl thing, right? A mother-daughter thing. They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her. What? What do you mean I'm ignoring? I'm like, you're ignoring her. Do this. And he said, that won't work. I'm like, oh, great.

We were talking on the phone and he's like, my daughter, Laura, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. And she's two. And he said, that's like a girl thing, right? A mother-daughter thing. They don't want anything. I'm like, no, Carl, you're ignoring her. What? What do you mean I'm ignoring? I'm like, you're ignoring her. Do this. And he said, that won't work. I'm like, oh, great.

You represent an idiot. My own literary agent won't do what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule for three weeks. I'm going to call you, get the party started. And so three weeks go by. I call him up. Carl, Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem?

You represent an idiot. My own literary agent won't do what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you in my schedule for three weeks. I'm going to call you, get the party started. And so three weeks go by. I call him up. Carl, Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me. I'm like, that's a problem?

That's what we want, right? That's what we're after. So actual physical time. And now parents are so busy, they're not spending this one-on-one alone time listening. So that's the second part of it. So time, actual physical time, and shut up. It's so important.

That's what we want, right? That's what we're after. So actual physical time. And now parents are so busy, they're not spending this one-on-one alone time listening. So that's the second part of it. So time, actual physical time, and shut up. It's so important.

You love them so much, you want to pour all of your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on and download it into their head. Don't do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn this technique called active listening, that whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to think. You repeat it back. And you listen for the feelings behind the words.

You love them so much, you want to pour all of your knowledge, all of your wisdom that you worked your whole life on and download it into their head. Don't do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn this technique called active listening, that whenever someone says something, you don't interrupt and tell them how to think. You repeat it back. And you listen for the feelings behind the words.

So if my son came home and said, dad, I want to have blue hair. I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. You know, as long as you live in this house, you can have blue hair. But what does that do? It just stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Active listening teaches you, repeat back what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair.

So if my son came home and said, dad, I want to have blue hair. I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. You know, as long as you live in this house, you can have blue hair. But what does that do? It just stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Active listening teaches you, repeat back what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair.

And then be quiet long enough for them to explain what's really going on. And he might say, all the kids are wearing their hair blue. Now, I've been to a school. I know not everybody's blue-headed. And if I would have said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have said. I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair.

And then be quiet long enough for them to explain what's really going on. And he might say, all the kids are wearing their hair blue. Now, I've been to a school. I know not everybody's blue-headed. And if I would have said that to my dad, I don't know what your dad would have said. I don't care what anybody else is doing. As long as you live in this house, you're not going to have blue hair.

If they're going to jump off a bridge, are you going with them?

If they're going to jump off a bridge, are you going with them?

And what does it do? Stops the conversation or it starts a fight. Sounds like you want to be like the other kids. completely different conversation. But that's, and he might say, dad, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Now my mother would have said, what do you mean you don't fit in? Of course you fit in. You're a good boy. You're a good looking boy. You're a nice boy.