Dr. David Burns

And the babysitter said, if you tell on me, I'll murder your sister, who was two years younger. But her thoughts were, it was my fault. If anyone found out, they'd think I liked it. and one other that slipped my mind. But the three-way contract between the abuser and the abused is I get to abuse you for my pleasure. That's the first part of the contract.

And the babysitter said, if you tell on me, I'll murder your sister, who was two years younger. But her thoughts were, it was my fault. If anyone found out, they'd think I liked it. and one other that slipped my mind. But the three-way contract between the abuser and the abused is I get to abuse you for my pleasure. That's the first part of the contract.

And as you say, Manuel and Matt, it can be sexual abuse, it can be physical abuse, it can be financial, it can be psychological abuse. Whatever. The second is that this is all on you. This is happening to you because you deserve it. And I'm superior and totally innocent. You're the dirty one. You're the bad one, the defective one.

And as you say, Manuel and Matt, it can be sexual abuse, it can be physical abuse, it can be financial, it can be psychological abuse. Whatever. The second is that this is all on you. This is happening to you because you deserve it. And I'm superior and totally innocent. You're the dirty one. You're the bad one, the defective one.

And then the third part of the abuse contract is, if you tell any, we have to keep this secret, even from ourselves. that there's anything wrong or abnormal going on here. And if you tell anyone, then it's going to be the last thing you ever do. And this was a very bright woman. And it was 40 years later when I treated her. But she was still following those rules. She had never told anyone.

And then the third part of the abuse contract is, if you tell any, we have to keep this secret, even from ourselves. that there's anything wrong or abnormal going on here. And if you tell anyone, then it's going to be the last thing you ever do. And this was a very bright woman. And it was 40 years later when I treated her. But she was still following those rules. She had never told anyone.

She was still feeling guilty and ashamed. The man who abused her eventually got in a bar fight and got shot and murdered when she was 10. So that stopped the abuse. But she kept suffering for the next 40 years. But I really thought she characterized that abuse contract. And she was an extremely brilliant woman. And yet she had subconsciously bought into that.

She was still feeling guilty and ashamed. The man who abused her eventually got in a bar fight and got shot and murdered when she was 10. So that stopped the abuse. But she kept suffering for the next 40 years. But I really thought she characterized that abuse contract. And she was an extremely brilliant woman. And yet she had subconsciously bought into that.

And I think the bullies rely on the weaker ones to buy into that contract. And that's part of what's so horrible about it. And that's where we can help people with these negative thoughts, the self-blaming thoughts. And the self-critical thoughts. I'm done on my rant there.

And I think the bullies rely on the weaker ones to buy into that contract. And that's part of what's so horrible about it. And that's where we can help people with these negative thoughts, the self-blaming thoughts. And the self-critical thoughts. I'm done on my rant there.

So I want to see if I understand part of what you just said, which was really good. I think you said it's going to be kind of okay and inevitable to feel some embarrassment, humiliation, shame. anxiety, hurt, fear, anger, when it's happening.

So I want to see if I understand part of what you just said, which was really good. I think you said it's going to be kind of okay and inevitable to feel some embarrassment, humiliation, shame. anxiety, hurt, fear, anger, when it's happening.

But we can give you some tools to talk back to the thoughts that are creating those feelings so that you don't have to be carrying around those feelings for prolonged periods of time and that we can learn to... to have peace of mind, I think you're saying, for longer and longer periods of time.

But we can give you some tools to talk back to the thoughts that are creating those feelings so that you don't have to be carrying around those feelings for prolonged periods of time and that we can learn to... to have peace of mind, I think you're saying, for longer and longer periods of time.

Like you maybe can't prevent yourself from having automatic reactions in the here and now, but one can go back, write down your negative thoughts, recognize the distortions in them, and talk to yourself in a more realistic and loving and accepting way. Is that kind of what you were saying?

Like you maybe can't prevent yourself from having automatic reactions in the here and now, but one can go back, write down your negative thoughts, recognize the distortions in them, and talk to yourself in a more realistic and loving and accepting way. Is that kind of what you were saying?

Manuel, it sounds like, you know, I'm reminded of a kid in my neighborhood that lived in one of my neighbor's children who was a boy probably in sixth grade who had been bullied the whole school year by a girl in his class. And he felt so shamed about it that he didn't tell his parents. He didn't.

Manuel, it sounds like, you know, I'm reminded of a kid in my neighborhood that lived in one of my neighbor's children who was a boy probably in sixth grade who had been bullied the whole school year by a girl in his class. And he felt so shamed about it that he didn't tell his parents. He didn't.

He might have told his teacher, but the teacher was just so busy with a huge class number that she didn't pay too much attention to it. And the only reason that came forward is because eventually this girl threw a shoe at him and he hit it and he came home with a mark on his forehead. And then it came out. And I'm wondering from what you've described –

He might have told his teacher, but the teacher was just so busy with a huge class number that she didn't pay too much attention to it. And the only reason that came forward is because eventually this girl threw a shoe at him and he hit it and he came home with a mark on his forehead. And then it came out. And I'm wondering from what you've described –