Dr. David Burns

Right. It's really telling me that they don't want to be here. And then when I'm doing couples work, which isn't very often, then I would say, why don't you and I, I meet with each member of a couple individually before I'll accept them into couples therapy and emphasize that if you want me to help you, you have to agree to focus on your own role in the problem.

Right. It's really telling me that they don't want to be here. And then when I'm doing couples work, which isn't very often, then I would say, why don't you and I, I meet with each member of a couple individually before I'll accept them into couples therapy and emphasize that if you want me to help you, you have to agree to focus on your own role in the problem.

And stop blaming the other person and do the changing yourself and change the way you're interacting. And you have to convince me that you really do want to develop a more loving marriage or relationship. And if the person then starts interrupting, they're kind of telling you that they didn't get that message.

And stop blaming the other person and do the changing yourself and change the way you're interacting. And you have to convince me that you really do want to develop a more loving marriage or relationship. And if the person then starts interrupting, they're kind of telling you that they didn't get that message.

And so I'd want to meet with them separately and say, perhaps you're telling me that you don't want to be in couples therapy. And that's cool with me. But I could see that you were kind of sabotaging that technique. What do you think?

And so I'd want to meet with them separately and say, perhaps you're telling me that you don't want to be in couples therapy. And that's cool with me. But I could see that you were kind of sabotaging that technique. What do you think?

And really hold their feet to the fire and entertain the idea that maybe I don't want to work with this couple as a couple because only one of them wants to be in therapy. I might work with the spouse individually, but I wouldn't let this person continue in couples therapy unless they could convince me that they really are looking for a more loving relationship.

And really hold their feet to the fire and entertain the idea that maybe I don't want to work with this couple as a couple because only one of them wants to be in therapy. I might work with the spouse individually, but I wouldn't let this person continue in couples therapy unless they could convince me that they really are looking for a more loving relationship.

And they are willing to change themselves rather than blame, constantly blame and attack the other person.

And they are willing to change themselves rather than blame, constantly blame and attack the other person.

Yes, please share that.

Yes, please share that.

Interesting.

Interesting.

And, you know, the, um, where that's where it's, it's good. It can interrupt, you know, a pretty hostile process that's going on and it can make that interrupt that process and get them into a more peaceful interaction quickly where it falls short. Well, there's a couple of things to be aware of. One is, is that, um, the, uh, it doesn't lend itself to normal communication.

And, you know, the, um, where that's where it's, it's good. It can interrupt, you know, a pretty hostile process that's going on and it can make that interrupt that process and get them into a more peaceful interaction quickly where it falls short. Well, there's a couple of things to be aware of. One is, is that, um, the, uh, it doesn't lend itself to normal communication.

It's a very, you know, artificial kind of exercise. And you can't keep having a normal conversation, you know, on that very formal kind of thing. So there are other more challenging couples methods that allow for more spontaneous exchange that you can move into, like the... Don Balcombe's machine gun therapy technique.

It's a very, you know, artificial kind of exercise. And you can't keep having a normal conversation, you know, on that very formal kind of thing. So there are other more challenging couples methods that allow for more spontaneous exchange that you can move into, like the... Don Balcombe's machine gun therapy technique.

He's from University of North Carolina and has developed some really neat ways of working with couples. And that's a more challenging but probably more challenging

He's from University of North Carolina and has developed some really neat ways of working with couples. And that's a more challenging but probably more challenging