Dr. Erica Komisar

They don't bring empathy in. And the truth is that even as an adult, if somebody just says no without first recognizing how you feel, you feel very unsatisfied, right? For a child, it's critical. It's critical that even when you have to say no, and particularly if you have to say no, that you first recognize how they feel.

They don't bring empathy in. And the truth is that even as an adult, if somebody just says no without first recognizing how you feel, you feel very unsatisfied, right? For a child, it's critical. It's critical that even when you have to say no, and particularly if you have to say no, that you first recognize how they feel.

I don't know. I haven't heard about your traumatized background. If so, if you have a trauma, I would say we're all. So let me say this. There's this word trauma is used a lot. Can I just talk about it for a moment? There's something called big T trauma, right?

I don't know. I haven't heard about your traumatized background. If so, if you have a trauma, I would say we're all. So let me say this. There's this word trauma is used a lot. Can I just talk about it for a moment? There's something called big T trauma, right?

Big T trauma is like I was in a car accident and I lost my legs or, you know, I lost my parents, you know, my mother died of brain cancer or my father was an alcoholic and beat me or, you know, there are things that are more concrete that you can like hold on to, things that happen to people. Yeah, I was raped or, you know, those are big T trauma. Yeah.

Big T trauma is like I was in a car accident and I lost my legs or, you know, I lost my parents, you know, my mother died of brain cancer or my father was an alcoholic and beat me or, you know, there are things that are more concrete that you can like hold on to, things that happen to people. Yeah, I was raped or, you know, those are big T trauma. Yeah.

But believe it or not, probably fewer people suffer from big T trauma and more people suffer from little t trauma. And little t trauma is... is more nuanced. It requires looking with a finer tooth comb at the issues. It's more relational. It's more, I was subtly neglected by my mother. My mother wasn't a good listener. My mother loved me, but my father loved me, but he never understood me.

But believe it or not, probably fewer people suffer from big T trauma and more people suffer from little t trauma. And little t trauma is... is more nuanced. It requires looking with a finer tooth comb at the issues. It's more relational. It's more, I was subtly neglected by my mother. My mother wasn't a good listener. My mother loved me, but my father loved me, but he never understood me.

My parents were narcissistic and very self-centered. They were never around, you know, and so People will come into my office and sit down, individuals for therapy, and they'll say, you know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I had two parents who stayed together, had all the material wealth that I could need. I never wanted for stuff.

My parents were narcissistic and very self-centered. They were never around, you know, and so People will come into my office and sit down, individuals for therapy, and they'll say, you know, I don't know what's wrong with me. I had two parents who stayed together, had all the material wealth that I could need. I never wanted for stuff.

You know, my parents stayed together, and I don't know what's wrong with me. And so I say, okay, so you're telling me nothing big and traumatic happened to you in your life. Now let's talk about the nuance. And we're not very nuanced anymore. So we don't want to look at what causes most forms of mental illness, depression, anxiety, even ADHD, are the relational nuances of a family. Right.

You know, my parents stayed together, and I don't know what's wrong with me. And so I say, okay, so you're telling me nothing big and traumatic happened to you in your life. Now let's talk about the nuance. And we're not very nuanced anymore. So we don't want to look at what causes most forms of mental illness, depression, anxiety, even ADHD, are the relational nuances of a family. Right.

Being ignored, having a mentally ill parent that no one knows about. Maybe a depressed mother who sleeps in in the morning and doesn't get up and feed you. You know, you get up and feed yourself. Or maybe you're a latchkey kid who comes home and you're isolated and alone. Things that people can't see. but you see.

Being ignored, having a mentally ill parent that no one knows about. Maybe a depressed mother who sleeps in in the morning and doesn't get up and feed you. You know, you get up and feed yourself. Or maybe you're a latchkey kid who comes home and you're isolated and alone. Things that people can't see. but you see.

And so that's why people, I would say most people go into therapy, not for big T traumas, believe it or not, even though the ACEs study says, you know, alcoholism, drug addiction, of course, those are big T traumas. Most people come into therapy for little T trauma. And the reason why...

And so that's why people, I would say most people go into therapy, not for big T traumas, believe it or not, even though the ACEs study says, you know, alcoholism, drug addiction, of course, those are big T traumas. Most people come into therapy for little T trauma. And the reason why...

It's it's quite difficult for those people is there's not a lot of reinforcement from society that those are also traumas. But in fact, they are traumas, attachment trauma. You know, if you were put in daycare and so I have patients who come to me and say, I can remember.

It's it's quite difficult for those people is there's not a lot of reinforcement from society that those are also traumas. But in fact, they are traumas, attachment trauma. You know, if you were put in daycare and so I have patients who come to me and say, I can remember.

being put in daycare and you know you're not supposed to remember things until the age of four or five but some patients can remember flashes of memory under five and they'll say i was put into daycare i just all i can remember is screaming my lungs out for my mommy you're not a fan of daycare are you no what's wrong with daycare

being put in daycare and you know you're not supposed to remember things until the age of four or five but some patients can remember flashes of memory under five and they'll say i was put into daycare i just all i can remember is screaming my lungs out for my mommy you're not a fan of daycare are you no what's wrong with daycare