Dr. Erica Komisar

You go to therapy, you talk to your therapist, you develop this trusting relationship where everything is left there, so to speak, in that container until you come back. But therapy is not for everyone. It requires laying down your defenses. It requires the ability to be open and talk about your feelings.

You go to therapy, you talk to your therapist, you develop this trusting relationship where everything is left there, so to speak, in that container until you come back. But therapy is not for everyone. It requires laying down your defenses. It requires the ability to be open and talk about your feelings.

There are types of therapies that you can go to if you can't talk about your feelings, things like DBT or CBT. But, you know, for the most part, healing therapy requires being open. It requires trusting.

There are types of therapies that you can go to if you can't talk about your feelings, things like DBT or CBT. But, you know, for the most part, healing therapy requires being open. It requires trusting.

So defenses are important. Defenses protect us. And people also have a misunderstanding of what therapy is about, the kind of therapy. I'm a psychoanalyst. So we don't People think you go to therapy and they take your defenses away from you. I would never take someone's defenses away unless I could help them to replace them with healthier defenses. So what we do is an exchange.

So defenses are important. Defenses protect us. And people also have a misunderstanding of what therapy is about, the kind of therapy. I'm a psychoanalyst. So we don't People think you go to therapy and they take your defenses away from you. I would never take someone's defenses away unless I could help them to replace them with healthier defenses. So what we do is an exchange.

You don't take your foot off a landmine unless you have a really big rock to put in its place, right? So if you're going to let go of one defense, you have to trust the person you're working with that you'll find a better, healthier defense to protect you.

You don't take your foot off a landmine unless you have a really big rock to put in its place, right? So if you're going to let go of one defense, you have to trust the person you're working with that you'll find a better, healthier defense to protect you.

If you used anxiety... In childhood, if you use the anxiety to get attention, what if you complained as a child and you went around and said, you know, oh, I'm worried about this. And so in a way, it serves a purpose. That anxiety, that complaining, that expression of emotion, it gets the attention from your parents. And suddenly... And I do believe that there's a lot of this going on.

If you used anxiety... In childhood, if you use the anxiety to get attention, what if you complained as a child and you went around and said, you know, oh, I'm worried about this. And so in a way, it serves a purpose. That anxiety, that complaining, that expression of emotion, it gets the attention from your parents. And suddenly... And I do believe that there's a lot of this going on.

A lot of kids are breaking down and saying, I'm anxious, I'm depressed. I do think many of them are, but I also think that many of them need their parents to understand them.

A lot of kids are breaking down and saying, I'm anxious, I'm depressed. I do think many of them are, but I also think that many of them need their parents to understand them.

So that would be what I call – it's a defense, but it's an unhealthy defense because what ends up happening is that the parents stop being able to hear them because they complain and the anxiety starts to degrade on the parents and the parents pull away, right? Right.

So that would be what I call – it's a defense, but it's an unhealthy defense because what ends up happening is that the parents stop being able to hear them because they complain and the anxiety starts to degrade on the parents and the parents pull away, right? Right.

And so what would be a better defense for that child is to learn how to express what they need from their parents instead of just saying, I feel anxious or I feel depressed, but to actually say, you know, mom and dad, You don't really spend any time with me.

And so what would be a better defense for that child is to learn how to express what they need from their parents instead of just saying, I feel anxious or I feel depressed, but to actually say, you know, mom and dad, You don't really spend any time with me.

You don't really – and when you're home, you're distracted and you're on your computer and your iPads and you don't really seem that interested in me. And so that's a better way of going about getting the attention that they need. So you're never taking something away from someone unless you have something better to give them. And that's a myth of therapy, right?

You don't really – and when you're home, you're distracted and you're on your computer and your iPads and you don't really seem that interested in me. And so that's a better way of going about getting the attention that they need. So you're never taking something away from someone unless you have something better to give them. And that's a myth of therapy, right?

So people feel that they're going to go into therapy and be left defenseless. Now defensiveness, which you mentioned, is a different thing entirely. When someone is defensive, it means that it's an unhealthy defense. It means that you hit something. So when you say to your friend, do you have any childhood trauma? And they say, absolutely not. That defensiveness, as opposed to someone who says,

So people feel that they're going to go into therapy and be left defenseless. Now defensiveness, which you mentioned, is a different thing entirely. When someone is defensive, it means that it's an unhealthy defense. It means that you hit something. So when you say to your friend, do you have any childhood trauma? And they say, absolutely not. That defensiveness, as opposed to someone who says,