Dr. Julie Gottman

I want to know what's under the earth, you know, what's going on down there that is creating something that feels bad for him.

So I ask him a question, and that gives me information about, oh, that's what's happening inside.

That's something that we can change.

It leads to a solution.

Right.

Of course.

You know, the thing is this.

When in our lab we saw couples who were going down the road of distress, remember, they weren't getting any intervention.

They weren't reading anything.

They weren't listening to fabulous podcasts like yours.

They weren't trying to learn a different manner of

of relating to one another.

So without intervention, they're falling back on old habits, on what they learned at the feet of their parents or caretakers, which didn't work.

So, you know, nobody takes Relationships 101 in high school.

You got to learn different ways of talking to one another.

Mm-hmm.

I think they're probably conflict avoiders, and I think, oh dear, we've got to help this couple surface, unearth conflict.

The differences, the things that are irritating, annoying, because if you hold them inside and you don't bring them up, after a while they accumulate.

And then you may end up with an eruption, right?

Which doesn't help anybody.