Dr. Julie Gottman

So all of those little incidents of turning toward represent care.

In other words, he is thinking about what will benefit me, not just what will benefit him.

And that makes a huge difference.

And let me also mention, you know, in a lot of cultures, ours is one of them, maybe yours is too, in Australia, a lot of people are reluctant to express their emotions with words.

They don't want to.

So, it requires, you know, to be more aware of those little opportunities to turn towards your partner.

You not only have to be aware of words, but also of looks.

For example, if I'm happy, okay, that's one thing.

But if I'm looking...

kind of sad and down.

And I'm not saying a word, right?

Well, if John notices that and he knows me well enough, he might say, honey, is something wrong?

Wow, that means a lot because it means that he cares about me so much that he is sensitive and aware of, first of all, my hesitation and

in verbalizing what I feel.

And secondly, what facial expressions I may use instead of words to express those feelings.

So if I'm sad or unhappy about something, she inquires about it.

That

just by itself means that he doesn't want me to endlessly feel sad or feel alone with that sadness.

A lot of times when one partner is really stressed but not expressing their feelings, the thing that is most helpful that a partner can do if they say, gee, did you have a bad day?

Yes, I did.