Dr. Julie Gottman

John was with the research design and analyses.

But I think, you know, in general, with your question, it is really important to be interested in your partner's job or their occupation or whatever they're doing.

And if it's something like, well, you know, they're a garbage man, they pick up garbage.

It may not be all that interesting, but you can always ask them other questions about that occupation that then piques your interest and maybe also brings out other aspects of that person's experience.

What was it like to drive down this incredibly rich block of houses and see a zillion bottles?

of beer bottles and wine bottles and whiskey bottles, et cetera, all the way down the line.

What was that like for you?

So there's lots of ways to show your interest.

First of all, the thing that was fascinating about these four horsemen is that they predicted relationship demise.

They were the big red flags to watch out for in how you communicate with one another.

So the first one was criticism.

And, you know, I'm sure in your culture as well as ours, criticism is pretty common.

It means blaming a problem on a personality flaw of your partner.

And it sounds like you're so lazy, you know, you're just being ridiculous right now.

You have terrible ideas, you know, all that.

is criticism.

So that hurts the other person.

You are saying you are flawed.

Secondly is contempt.

And contempt is worse.