Dr. Julie Gottman

You drop a wall down in front of you and you stop giving your partner any signal whatsoever, whether it's verbal or a nod of your head or just looking at them, that indicates you're listening and you want to listen.

It's the opposite.

It is, in a sense, pretending that your partner isn't even there, hasn't said anything to you at all, that they're nothing, they don't exist.

But what John and his colleague Robert Levinson found out in this incredible research they did on physiology in couples is that typically when people stonewall

They feel so attacked in the interaction that their heart rates are racing above 100 beats a minute while they're simply sitting there like the two of you and the two of us.

They're just sitting there.

But those heart rates are skyrocketing.

They feel attacked.

It's like they're facing a saber-toothed tiger.

And that kind of fight or flight or freeze reaction, you know, where you're being attacked, is exceptionally uncomfortable.

It feels awful.

It feels awful in your stomach, in your gut, in your chest sometimes.

Sometimes it holds your breath.

And so people typically will drop that wall down.

In order to go inside themselves, right, and soothe themselves, just calm themselves down, you know, pretend the other person is not there in order to calm themselves down.

Yeah.

So you can absolutely change these behaviors and reverse the direction of the relationship.

Right.

From doom to ascent, moving up.

And one of the basic principles of doing that is notice this.