Dr. Julie Gottman
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When you're criticizing or expressing contempt or kind of counterattacking,
oftentimes you're describing the other person.
You're not describing yourself.
You're describing the other person.
So the intervention for that in a big way, big general way, is describe yourself.
Don't describe your partner.
Describe your feelings.
So an example might be this.
Let's say I have just said to my partner, you're so lazy, you never clean up the kitchen.
By the way, always and never attach to something negative.
are criticisms.
Important to know that.
So what do you say instead?
Well, you could say, you know what, I'm feeling upset.
Step one, describe my feelings.
Step two, about the situation.
I'm upset that the kitchen is a mess.
Would you please clean it up?
So I've described my feelings.
I've described the situation in a neutral way.