Dr. Karl Pillemer

The other thing that really surprised me and actually started me on my most recent book was I would ask older people about their major regrets in life.

And I was also really unprepared for how many of them said that their major life regret was an unresolved estrangement of some kind.

with their own parents, with their siblings, and especially with their children.

And there was an exact moment when I decided to embark on yet another five-year research project about people's advice, was when I was talking to a woman sort of in her 80s in Texas, and she was this vibrant, feisty, you know, liked a good glass of bourbon at night, and told lots of stories about, you know, her second husband, etc., and things they did.

And when I asked her the questions I asked about her children, it was a complete change in mood.

Like, it was like a cast came over her face.

And then she actually, literally, began to pound her fists on the arm of her chair and say, you know, I just don't know what happened.

I never hear from them, and it's continually painful.

Yeah.

So we talked about it.

She said it had been more of a slowly developing estrangement.

She married a second husband who the kids didn't like that much, but they traveled the world.

They had some money.

They kind of lost contact.

Now at the end of her life, her most profound regret was that these relationships weren't there.

As we talk about distance and estrangement, I think that we have to remind ourselves that there are some family relationships that

where there's been a history of abuse, either physical or sexual, where the person is currently a damaging or dangerous person, or where the relationship can be so emotionally stressful that there are some people who are right, at least temporarily, to break off contact.

And if they decide that they want to resume or stay in contact, doing so with the help of a psychological or counseling professional is a good thing.

So we have to acknowledge that.

But our studies have found that's really the minority of cases.