Dr. Lindsay Gibson

So they're going to come back and they're going to do something that indicates that they have felt for the other person's experience.

So they're going to come back and they're going to do something that indicates that they have felt for the other person's experience.

Yeah, yeah, no, that's a really, that's a great question. I can just tell you what tends to happen in therapy is that the person comes in and they have some immediate issue, right? Maybe they're having a problem in their relationship or their work. Maybe they just had a panic attack. They have no idea what's going on. And usually, first few sessions, you don't necessarily hear about the parent.

Yeah, yeah, no, that's a really, that's a great question. I can just tell you what tends to happen in therapy is that the person comes in and they have some immediate issue, right? Maybe they're having a problem in their relationship or their work. Maybe they just had a panic attack. They have no idea what's going on. And usually, first few sessions, you don't necessarily hear about the parent.

But then, you know, like five, six sessions in, you ask them, you know, before you begin feeling so low, what had happened that evening? And then, you know, you come to find out that their dad said something that was completely disrespectful or, you know, whatever. And you begin to, you know, like make those connections. What I tended to find out was that when we delved into the feelings of

But then, you know, like five, six sessions in, you ask them, you know, before you begin feeling so low, what had happened that evening? And then, you know, you come to find out that their dad said something that was completely disrespectful or, you know, whatever. And you begin to, you know, like make those connections. What I tended to find out was that when we delved into the feelings of

we come to find out that, yeah, they were having very deep reactions to things that their parents did and said, but they had been trained to not see that as legitimate. That had been so invalidated, they thought that they were, you know, being disloyal or petty for even bringing it up. As a therapist, I would be sitting there and my mind would be going,

we come to find out that, yeah, they were having very deep reactions to things that their parents did and said, but they had been trained to not see that as legitimate. That had been so invalidated, they thought that they were, you know, being disloyal or petty for even bringing it up. As a therapist, I would be sitting there and my mind would be going,

you know, oh my gosh, that person is so narcissistic that they're describing, or she sounds like a borderline personality disorder, but I'm not going to say that to my client. So I would have to find ways of elaborately translating that into behavior so that we could talk about it without labeling them in a way that made their parents sound pathological.

you know, oh my gosh, that person is so narcissistic that they're describing, or she sounds like a borderline personality disorder, but I'm not going to say that to my client. So I would have to find ways of elaborately translating that into behavior so that we could talk about it without labeling them in a way that made their parents sound pathological.

I think you could argue that. There's no way of getting around that you're boiling down this person that they love into a set of traits, and it calls them a name. It's pejorative. But when you say emotionally immature, it's not from the diagnostic manual. And although, yeah, it is a way of categorizing them, but it has a, to me anyway, it has a more explanatory kind of tone to it.

I think you could argue that. There's no way of getting around that you're boiling down this person that they love into a set of traits, and it calls them a name. It's pejorative. But when you say emotionally immature, it's not from the diagnostic manual. And although, yeah, it is a way of categorizing them, but it has a, to me anyway, it has a more explanatory kind of tone to it.

It doesn't, if you say your father is narcissistic, I get an immediate caricature of a narcissist. If I say, your father sounds like he may be emotionally immature, I don't know, there's a little bit of grace in that. But I can tell you, David, that a lot of people have a lot of problem when they first hear that idea about their parent.

It doesn't, if you say your father is narcissistic, I get an immediate caricature of a narcissist. If I say, your father sounds like he may be emotionally immature, I don't know, there's a little bit of grace in that. But I can tell you, David, that a lot of people have a lot of problem when they first hear that idea about their parent.

I've had people come in because of the book that once we get into the therapy part of it, they begin to hedge and balk at calling their parent that because they're just so accustomed to giving their parents the benefit of the doubt.

I've had people come in because of the book that once we get into the therapy part of it, they begin to hedge and balk at calling their parent that because they're just so accustomed to giving their parents the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, I think it's exactly the opposite. I think it really increases a person's sense of agency. Because what's really disempowering to them is the idea that I've been trying to interact with my parent using all the communication skills I know, using all the tact or the empathy that I know, and it doesn't go anywhere and we end up in a fight. So they feel...

Yeah, I think it's exactly the opposite. I think it really increases a person's sense of agency. Because what's really disempowering to them is the idea that I've been trying to interact with my parent using all the communication skills I know, using all the tact or the empathy that I know, and it doesn't go anywhere and we end up in a fight. So they feel...

The whole basis of a relationship with an emotionally immature person is that you often feel disempowered because they can't give either you or them the room to have you be understood. And when you realize that the reason that they're not listening, the reason that they don't seem to be responding to you is not because... you have poor communication skills, it's because they can't stand it.

The whole basis of a relationship with an emotionally immature person is that you often feel disempowered because they can't give either you or them the room to have you be understood. And when you realize that the reason that they're not listening, the reason that they don't seem to be responding to you is not because... you have poor communication skills, it's because they can't stand it.